i hate i love you

Chapter 49 Uncover the long-standing secret

Chapter 46 Unveil the long-standing secret

2001 3 Month 06 Day:
Today is Xing Kai's 22nd birthday. He is in a bad mood. I don't know what to do to make him feel better. I accidentally learned that there is a transfer student in Xing Kai's class. I went to meet that person. As I expected, it was a mixed-race boy who was more narcissistic than Xing Kai, named Fu Jiahao.I beat up Fu Jiahao, although he was innocent, but I didn't feel uneasy, because I don't like people Xing Kai doesn't like even more.Xing Kai is happy, my world is colorful.

2001 7 Month 09 Day:
Not long after Xing Kai turned 22, he suddenly decided to marry An Yao. I raised my glass to congratulate him, but he slapped me. His expression can no longer be described as angry, but rather chilling.Xing Kai's performance made me overturn for the first time the views I have always held on men, that I love the new and dislike the old.

Also, today is my 21st birthday.Ugh……

2001 8 Month 8 Day:
Today is a big day, An Yao married Xing Kai.Xing Kai didn't move out with his wife to live alone, and he didn't allow me to move out. Uncle Xing even agreed.So, I live with them as a younger sister.However, I have a bad premonition, because An Yao looked at me with a little repulsion, I guess there will be problems in this relationship sooner or later.I pray An Yao don't think too much, after all, when I lived in Xing's house, I didn't plan to be someone's.

2002 8 Month 8 Day:
On the first anniversary of their marriage, An Yao officially declared war on me. She said that I was a stumbling block between their husband and wife, but I just want to be an ordinary rock that can be used by you to climb high and look far.I just want to stay by Xing Kai's side, cook and wash for you, and see you happily living your life, where is the hypocrisy? ...Forget it, let’s not mention it, in fact, I am more worried about Xing Kai now, afraid that it will affect his emotions.I'm sorry Xing Kai, you have such a heavy learning task, and I still cause you trouble.

2003 2 Month 20 Day:
An Yao and Xing Kai quarreled, and An Yao moved back to her mother's house in a fit of anger.On behalf of Xing Kai, I went to An's house to pick up An Yao.An Yao not only didn't appreciate it, but also attacked me personally.Now she's so mean and unreasonable that I hardly know her anymore.I must admit that I was wrong and should not be nosy.But I want to ask you: Classmate An Yao, if you could go back to the past, would you still let me secretly enter your phone number into Xing Kai's phone?
August 2003:
SARS struck and swept across China.Xing Kai continued to have a low-grade fever. On the surface, he seemed disapproving, but in fact he was very scared. Who would not be afraid of death?However, I will not let him go to Huangquan Road alone. Even if I survived, I will choose to commit suicide and go with him.Don't be afraid of Xing Kai, in the world, in hell, I will accompany you.

August 2003:
Xing Kai proposed a divorce to An Yao, and An's family made troubles again and again. Seeing Xing Kai's emaciation due to this matter, I hated myself even more. If I hadn't brokered this marriage at the beginning, Xing Kai would not have faced such a difficult situation in his early twenties. Trouble with marital problems.I really regret it and wish I could slap myself a few times.But until now, I can only try to make up for the mistakes I made, take care of Xing Kai, take care of Xing Kai, no matter what others think of me, Xing Kai is the only person I care about.

※※※

……

—— Seeing this, Xing Kai frowned. He still doesn't understand why Xing Yu was so panicked. He was so panicked that he didn't even have the courage to try it. However, there is no doubt that the words between the lines prove that she loves herself.

So, he simply turned to the last few pages and continued to read...

March 2008, 3:
Xing Kai is already 29 years old. He tried every means to get me pregnant. Of course I wanted to give him a baby, but...it still didn’t work. I had to take contraceptive pills secretly. I was born because we were too young at that time, and I was afraid that the child would become the second me.Not giving birth now is entirely my problem, I can't control my cranky thoughts...

If I die suddenly, the child's face will touch his seemingly strong but extremely fragile nerves.Xing Kai, I'm sorry.Although you didn't say it, I can see that you are becoming more and more inseparable from me, and I am falling into fear... Even at this moment, I just pretend that you are holding our child and thinking of me, I I can't bear it anymore, please forgive my arbitrariness.I'm sorry, you can scold me and hit me, but don't ignore me.

……

"You!...Damn it, you've been taking birth control pills?! It made me almost wear a mask and go to the hospital for an examination! You're alive and wondering what it means to die every day, you?!" Xing Kai was very Indignation, but more distressed, never knew that Xing Yu's outlook on life was so negative.

He let out a deep breath, and turned to the last bloody page;
Xing Kai's fingers trembled a little. He stood up, walked to the glass window, and read each word carefully.

Because all her emotions should be concentrated here——

March 2008, 7:
I was trapped in a certain cave in the earthquake zone, my body was pressed down by a big stone slab, but I still had one hand to move, so this should be my last diary entry.

At this moment of death, first of all, I want to be grateful that I can continue to write a diary in the dark.Second, I want to be extremely grateful for all the unscrupulous things I have done.

Xing Kai, I have always wanted to tell you that people are so small, no one knows what will happen tomorrow, I am afraid that I will die forever like my parents, and I am afraid that you will leave too many regrets and tears like me. I don't know who to hold and cry when I cry.

I am even more afraid that you will sacrifice your precious life for me.

……

Before I die I will confess to you;
邢凯
I love you, I love you, I love you, love you so much.

In fact, the word "love" can no longer explain my feelings for you. I can tell you firmly that you are my life, and I live for you every minute and every second;

Even though the overall situation is settled now, I did not give up. For a chance of survival, I struggled to breathe, struggled desperately, and sucked my own blood to continue my life...

But you see, I can't slow down my death time just because I love you, I can't lose the stones on my body because I love you, and you won't appear in front of me just because I love you...

Obviously, love can't control anything from happening, and love has no miracles.

So I just want to love you unilaterally. If you don't love each other, there will be no separation; if you don't love each other, it won't bring you spiritual pain.

Xing Kai...

Do you understand Xing Kai?
Without the promise of holding your hand and growing old together, there will be no mourning after disillusionment;

If you don't love each other, I won't be your only one; and you will always be my only one.

Even if I die, you can still hug another woman to comfort the pain, and you won't be as helpless and miserable as I lost my parents back then.

Even if I die, you don't have to be questioned by another woman: Do you love her or your deceased wife more.

And for you, as long as I live, I will always stand at every intersection of your life, no matter what kind of injury or difficulty you suffer, when you turn around, at least I will still be smiling at you.

I can give you a family hug or a lover's kiss.At least you have a woman like me in your life who loves you silently, and you don't need to be responsible for this woman.But this woman will accompany you wholeheartedly, this woman can interpret your thoughts for you, enlighten you, and care for you.This woman can hurt anyone for you, including herself of course.And you never have to think about what to say and what not to say.

……

……

——Seeing this, there were a few blank pages. To be precise, Xing Yu's state at that time seemed to have no strength to turn the next page. Bloody handprints were pressed on the page, leaving deep scratches due to pain.

Xing Kai clutched his chest, put one hand on the edge of the window, and tried his best to support his crumbling body. He flipped through the pages tremblingly, and only saw a few lines until the end of the page——

[I don’t know how long I’ve been in a coma, and I don’t know if it’s day or night. My mind is getting confused and my breathing is becoming more and more difficult... Xing Kai... I miss you very much. Thinking of you can heal the pain in my whole body. Thinking of you, I will Laughing and stopping breathing. 】

……

I'm sorry Xing Kai, the last cruel thing I did before I died was to never let you see the contents of this diary, because I was tearing it up with all my strength.Every time I tear off a page, it reminds me of our past. I think, when my tears run dry, this diary that has been with me for 13 years will also be reduced to ashes with me.Or, just bury our 13 years of friendship, family, love and my life...

I don't think you can understand my state of mind. In fact, I also hate my own personality.

Before I was 15 years old, I lived in a village surrounded by "martyrs". The old people with gray temples washed their faces with tears all day long.And I live in panic every day, and then firmly tell myself that my parents will definitely appear in front of me in good health, because they promised me that after completing this task, they will go home soon and follow I eat dumplings together.

So, full of longing, I stood at the head of the village and waited for my parents every day, from sunrise to sunset, from dusk to evening...

But in the end, what was waiting was two cold corpses.I walked into the morgue alone, and my parents' bodies were tightly pressed together, inseparable... I just watched, almost suffocated with sadness, but did not shed a single tear.

The death of my parents made me fully realize the impermanence of life; at the same time, let me see the great magic power bestowed by love.

So Xing Kai, the deeper I love you, the more afraid I am.With commitment, there is vision.When the promise is invalidated one day, we can no longer go back to the past.Once I lose you, I can no longer find a reason to live.

However, I don't want to die yet, I want to accompany you to the old age, accompany you to do everything you want to do, I will accompany you to live wherever you like, even if I only accompany you as a younger sister.

... My love for you is like walking on thin ice; my love for you is as firm as a rock.

Xing Kai, thank you for the white sneakers you gave me, thank you for the beautiful clothes you bought me, thank you for caring for me like a family and a lover, I feel very satisfied in this life.I would also like to thank you for accompanying me to the end of my life. For me, it is misfortune and also a relief. At this moment when my life ends, I still have your love for me...

Xing Kai, when you think of me in a certain month, don't be sad, because the years I've been by your side are really very happy...

And now, all I can say is goodbye.

——Xing Yu, the younger sister who exists only for Xing Kai in this life;
——An Yao, the woman who has only loved Xing Kai in this life;

Absolute pen.

……

※※※

After reading it, Xing Kaidun felt that the sky was dim and the earth was dark.

With a "bang!", he threw the diary against the wall——

"Why are you so stupid? Get up!! Get up and tell me, why are you so stupid?!" Xing Kai violently punched the window sill, and then, tears blurred his vision, and he stood up With angry red eyes pointing at Xing Yu who was lying quietly on the hospital bed, his teeth were itchy with anger.

"You've wasted 13 years of my time, you know?! Let me figure out what I did wrong and what made you not want to marry me! I'll think you have some terminal illness, so I'll fuck you Eighteen generations of the ancestors of the An family! You said how did your old An family give birth to such a tormenting thing like you?! Huh?!..." Xing Kai's eyes were bloodshot with anger. Turning back to the eye sockets, it slowed down for a long time, a long time...

He bit his lips, sat back on the side of the bed, held her hand tenderly and cautiously, looked down at her indifferent haggard face, tears dripped down almost in a straight line, wet the back of her hand and the bed sheet, this The scorching tears, like a warm current that brought the dead back to life, brought back the long-lost fire in his heart.

Suddenly, he wiped the corners of his eyes, smiled brightly, and said with mixed feelings: "Whether you become blind, lame, fool, or a vegetable, I will never leave you again, do you hear me, no one can separate us, you No way. Let me tell you, I never forgot what I said to you when I was 17 years old. I said you were my happiness for the rest of my life. Do you still remember what you said? You said...it was only because of me I am not mature enough to say that kind of stupid thing, you still let me wait and see. But more than ten years have passed, and my heart has not changed. I am still that stupid boy standing on the edge of the cliff waiting for your judgment. Do you still plan to torture me for several decades? Play with you until the day I die of old age, okay? Okay?..." He couldn't wipe off the tears on his face, no matter how hard he wiped them off.

……

"Xiaoyu, I love you. I hate that I fell in love with you, a woman with a hard heart. I hate myself even more for not letting you feel how unwavering my love for you is. I'm sorry, Xiaoyu, for making you hesitate. , scared..."

He lay on the back of her hand, trembling helplessly.

"...Wake up and say 'you love me'? Xiaoyu, Xing Yu, An Yao, no matter who you are, I want to hear you tell me, please, I have been waiting for this sentence for 13 years , please, please wake up..."

……

However, Xing Yu's fingers didn't move like they did in the TV series, and no tears fell from the corners of his eyes... The electrocardiogram monitor fluctuated slightly, waiting every minute, every second, the sentence of life...

(End of this chapter)