Don't be too personal, don't be too impersonal

Chapter 3 I'm not teaching you to cheat, this world is too complicated (2)
In fact, those people who hate us are not without the slightest advantages. Learning from those people who hate us will not only make our character smoother, but also understand what tolerance and concession are, and what is tolerance and compromise. Progress and maturity.Among the people we hate, some are because of conflicts with us, and taking patience at this time is not only a manifestation of the overall situation, but also makes others respect you.Learning to endure is not a sign of cowardice, it is a wise move for us to stay out of trouble.However, our tolerance cannot be without a bottom line. Once the other party touches our principles, we still have to take necessary actions to defend our dignity.

Among the people we can't get used to, there will still be such people. They are not villains, but their world outlook, outlook on life, and values ​​are somewhat different or even opposed to ours.We need to know that in fact no one is at fault, it's just that "the way is different".Such people, we have no reason to haggle with them, just ask politely.God will always spread such people we hate into our daily life to balance our life, exercise our endurance, and tap the latent factors in our character.

We need to make ourselves more and more patient, and we must gradually learn to "duplicity".No matter how dissatisfied the other party is, we can't write it directly on our faces. When necessary, we should praise him or we should praise him, and we should learn from him or learn from him.Even if we can't do what the ancients said, "emotions and anger are invisible", we must practice slowly.A man who is truly flexible in character will not care about these things.As long as we calm down and find out the "dead spot" of each other, we can get along well with them, and even let them regard themselves as friends.Many friends and many paths, this is not a bad idea.

It was nothing treacherous or sinister, but the correct and effective way of a man of sound character.Whether we despise or cast aside, we still have to face such things correctly after all.As long as we are frank and upright and don't do things that hurt others, what's wrong with that?When we can't change our life and the living environment around us, we have to change ourselves before we can adapt to it.

It is not a wise move to blindly avoid people you hate.In many cases, we may hate someone because they have something or quality that we lack.It is useless for us to escape, only to face it bravely.Buddhism emphasizes that there is a Buddha in the heart, and everything is a Buddha.Su Dongpo, a great writer in the Northern Song Dynasty, once went boating with Zen Master Foyin on the river. Su Dongpo asked Zen Master Foyin who he looked like, and Foyin said he looked like a Buddha.Su Dongpo looked at the obese Foyin and sneered jokingly: I think you look like a pile of cow dung.Foyin did not make any excuses.Su Dongpo returned home happily and told his sister Su Xiaomei about the incident.Su Xiaomei was smarter than his elder brother, she shook her head and said, "Brother, you lost again this time, as Buddhism says, there is a Buddha in your heart, and everything is a Buddha."You are what you see others are, and you are what you are. Foyin sees you as a Buddha, because he has a Buddha in his heart.Su Dongpo's face turned red immediately.

Just like the example just now, our attitude towards others is actually a reflection of our own heart.Hate is an emotional term. If we look at it rationally, almost everyone who hates us has something worth learning.The public's stress response is often to hate the strong and sympathize with the weak. A strong person is bound to be envied by many people, so he becomes the object of dislike by others.

"All heroes are annoying in the end." This is a sentence from Emerson.Hate is a way that people use to achieve balance and equality, and to adapt to the natural law of "survival of the fittest".There will always be people we hate, sometimes simply because they are better than us.People who are stronger than us abound in life, do we all have to hate them?We must learn to learn from the strong, learning the strengths of others is the best way to face the strong.If hate is compared to the brakes, then learning is stepping on the accelerator. On the historical fast track of economic acceleration, hate makes us see the situation clearly and clearly recognize the key to the problem, and learning can make you find opportunities from dangers. Seek progress.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and the devil is in the eye of the enemy.When we like a person, in our eyes, everything about him is right, perfect like an angel; and when we hate a person, we will regard him as a devil and hate everything about him.In fact, we should abandon the worldly vision and think about it calmly. Is the person we hate really worthless?Quite the opposite!We should think carefully about what we hate about the other party. When the place that he hates us is indeed a shortcoming, we should see if we have the same shortcoming and correct it if we have; if we just hate the other party If we are strong, then we bravely admit that we are weaker than the other party, and then learn from the other party to make ourselves better.As the saying goes: there are no rules in learning.Those who walk in the front will always have something worthy of our study.

When we hate someone, if there is really no way to understand the truth behind the hate, we can try to analyze the reason.

1. Empathy.

Put yourself in the perspective of the other party, try to think about the problems the other party is thinking about, learn to be tolerant, and learn more about the other party's strengths instead of just looking for shortcomings from the other party.

2. Praise others.

Compliments are always the best way to gain friendship. To be friends, you should respect and care for each other, and don't let yourself be "overwhelmed with compliments".

3. Learn to read people.

We must learn to look at people and learn to tolerate the shortcomings of others.When you are with an aggressive person, tolerate the other person's aggressive words, and at the same time warn yourself not to be like the other person.

4. Learn to take the initiative to show weakness.

There are a few strong people in life, but in fact, many people are just blindly arrogant and competitive.When the relationship with friends is deadlocked or deteriorating, it is actually a show of generosity to take the initiative to show kindness, and you should not be embarrassed because of face.

5. Only by communicating can we understand.

The ability to communicate interpersonally is very important.When we have an aversion to others because of disputes with others, don’t rush to defend yourself, recognize the facts, be able to explain the truth, communicate and communicate well, and believe that there are still many people who are reasonable in this world .

If you can practice internally and externally according to these methods, then in the long run, it won't be so difficult to face people you hate, right?
[-]. Think twice before speaking
There is a saying "Silence is golden". Maybe when we first entered the workplace, we were honest with everyone, but gradually found that we did not treat others sincerely; maybe when you talked to your friends endlessly When you express all the right and wrong and the true feelings in your heart, your friends will alienate you instead.In many cases, good results are not achieved by talking too much or doing too much. There is a saying that "too much talk will lead to mistakes". We should think twice before we do anything. "Otherwise it will be counterproductive.Thinking before speaking is also responsible for yourself and others.Andy Warhol said: "I have gained more prestige and influence since I learned to keep my mouth shut."

Maybe you still think that being straightforward and honest, speaking and doing things "without thinking" is a manifestation of your own personality, but we must know that once we step into society, we must face various pressures and meet various challenges. We must take responsibility for our words and actions. At this time, we must let ourselves learn to "think twice before acting". Only in this way can we gain a firm foothold in society.

What is emphasized in speaking and doing things is a degree, just what is appropriate, not how much.If you talk too much, you will lose. The more you talk, the easier it is to make mistakes.Rare things are precious, and so are "words".If you talk too much, it has no value. It is just nonsense, which not only has no effect, but also makes people feel upset; if you talk less, you cherish words like gold, but they are very suitable and useful. admiration.

In the ancient Roman era, there was a famous hero named Mahers. He was very famous at that time and was known as the god of war Coriolanus.At that time, in order to participate in politics, Mahers was preparing to run for the highest level of consul.

To run for consul, a candidate must deliver a speech early in the election.In order to prove his bravery and patriotism to the people, Mahers started with his military exploits for the country over the past ten years, and also showed people the countless scars he left in the Roman War.This move made people see his great contribution to the country, and the voters who participated in the election were deeply moved, and many people thought he would be elected.

On the eve of voting day, Mahers also needs to hold a meeting with all the senators and nobles.However, Mahers' speech at this meeting was somewhat less pleasant.He arrogantly declared at the meeting that he was destined to be elected, bragging about his military exploits, and then he even unreasonably accused his competitors, and even flattered himself at the meeting, saying a lot of things against the wishes of the majority of voters in order to please the nobles .

Word of his second speech and performance at the meeting soon spread throughout Rome, and the voters changed their minds, and in that election Mahels was ultimately defeated.

After the defeat, Mahers returned to the battlefield unwillingly. He blamed all the crimes on the civilians who opposed him and vowed to take revenge.

At a meeting to discuss whether to distribute a batch of supplies arriving in Rome to the common people free of charge, the Senate decided to solve the problem by voting.Mahers expressed his opinion at the meeting. He believed that distributing supplies to civilians would have a negative impact on the city, and the final voting result was as he wished.Afterwards, he condemned the representatives of the common people, advocating that the nobles should regain the right to rule and abolish the representatives of the common people.

Mahers' remarks were criticized by the public. Numerous people took to the streets and demanded that Mahers come out to confront them, but he refused, so the people rioted.Forced to do so, the Senate agreed to let Mahers apologize in the street.

In this apology speech, Mahers' attitude was mild at the beginning, but it didn't take long for him to become more and more rude, even uttering bad words and insulting the people!The more he spoke, the more angry the people became.Later, the people began to protest loudly and demanded that he be sentenced to death, and finally, after the intervention of the nobles, the Senate sentenced him to exile for life.

There is no doubt that Mahers has made contributions to the country. However, since he wants to run for election, he should be responsible for his words and deeds.However, Mahirs had no scruples about his speech, and eventually seriously offended the people; after losing the election, he still did not want to repent, did not know how to control his speech, and was eventually sentenced to exile.

Appropriate words will save a lot of unnecessary trouble. The so-called "think twice before acting", in summary, before speaking, you need to think about the following aspects:
1. Why do you want to say, what is the reason for saying these words.

Before speaking, you should think about whether your words are for venting resentment or comforting others; whether they are solving problems or making unnecessary personal attacks.Once this point is clarified, we can keep the center of our speech firmly in place and make our own words play a corresponding role.

2. How to say it and how to say it.

That is to say, before speaking, one should think about the diction, tone, speed of speech, etc., whether to speak gently and softly, or to speak dignifiedly and solemnly; How to answer and so on.

3. Estimate the effect of what you say.

Think about what you want to say in combination with the results you want to get, and think about whether it is appropriate and whether it will achieve the results you want.People who are good at observing words and expressions will adjust their words according to the other person's situation and changes in expression.Learn to estimate the effect of your own speaking, compare it with the actual result, sum up the gains and losses, and constantly change the direction and way of speaking, so that you can make yourself feel like a fish in water in communication, and have both ways.Learn to use better language forms to express your meaning according to the actual situation, that is to say, "speak to whoever you meet".

In daily life, there are many taboos in speaking. If you master these taboos proficiently and think twice before speaking, you can avoid touching other people’s scars and not offend others with your words. The following are some points we should pay attention to when speaking.

1. Don't tell others about your sadness at will.When people are sad, they all have the desire to confide, but if you confide in someone you see, it will increase the psychological pressure of the listener, and make you bored and suspicious of you.At the same time, you will leave others with the impression that you cannot adapt to life and love to complain.Always think about others, find someone who is willing to listen to what you have to say, just confide to your confidant once, and don't say the same thing repeatedly.

2. Don't easily say things that hurt or hurt others.The better the relationship with people, the less you should say anything that hurts them in front of them, even unintentionally. This will enhance mutual feelings and make the relationship better and better.Therefore, before saying anything, you should think about whether your words will hurt others.

3. You can say some small things humorously, make yourself more sense of humor, make others feel that you are easy to approach, and can gain more friendship.Some well-meaning reminders between friends, speaking out in a humorous way, can not only be accepted by friends, but also strengthen the relationship between each other.

4. Listen more and talk less about the teachings and deeds of the elders.For many things on the road of life, the elders are people who have experienced it and have their own insights. No matter whether their insights are suitable for you or not, you must listen carefully, after all, they hope to be able to help you.Older people often don't want younger generations to refute or doubt their views. If you talk too much, your elders will feel that you are not humble and don't know how to respect the old and love the young, which will have a bad impression on you.

5. Listen to what other people say about you.There is a saying that the authorities are obsessed. In fact, many things are well thought out, but when you actually face them, you will find that you have forgotten how to do it, or you have not done it ideally. At this time, you should ask outsiders more to see what they think. Review them yourself and hear what they have to say.Ask more and learn more, and be good at correcting your own mistakes, which will make people think you are a humble, studious and sensible person.

6. For other people's affairs, think carefully and be cautious before speaking.Everyone has things that they don't want others to mention, and casually commenting on other people's mistakes or things is likely to touch other people's scars.Therefore, don't easily comment and spread other people's affairs, and try to give others a sense of security in communication.

7. Don't promise what you can't do in the conversation, "If you don't have diamonds, don't do porcelain work."Helping friends is a good thing, but don't promise blindly, you must do what you promise, and don't easily promise what you can't do. This will make your friends think that you are a person who "believes in words and resolutes in deeds" people, thereby increasing their trust in you.

(End of this chapter)