12 Mindfulness Lessons Listened to at Tsinghua University

Chapter 28 Love and Hate (1)
1. There is a kind of love called narrow

Mozi is the originator of happiness management, and the idea of ​​"universal love" is the core of Mozi's thought. "Universal love", that is, to love others as oneself, regardless of others, and to be equal to each other, which breaks through the distinctions of blood kinship, distance, and rank, and highlights the equal status of people. The essence of "universal love" is to benefit others. It is to reconcile the relationship between the individual, others and the society, and put the interests of others and the interests of the society first, but it does not deny the reasonable self-interested requirements of the individual.While Mozi proposed "universal love", he also proposed the ultimate goal of universal love, which is "mutual benefit". Mozi believes that "mutual love" and "mutual benefit" require people In the narrow circle of personal interests and family interests, while loving oneself, others, and society, one must also realize one's own interests while satisfying the interests of others and society.This is the so-called "win-win" in our modern management.

——Cui Guowen (Deputy Dean of School of Continuing Education, Tsinghua University, well-known scholar)
Flower is a beautiful woman.Two years ago, she resisted the pressure of her parents and resolutely married her boyfriend who was not well off.But now, Hua'er, who once believed in love so much, is in deep pain: her husband lost his father very early, so after marriage he refused to "abandon" his mother and live a two-person world with her.In fact, it's nothing. What made her depressed was that she found that she couldn't get along with her mother-in-law at all.Due to her different personalities, times, and living habits, she was often very angry with some of her mother-in-law's living habits.

For the sake of her husband, she gave in to her mother-in-law everywhere.Unexpectedly, the mother-in-law intensified, from the initial flabbergasting to straightforward criticism.Finally one day, she couldn't bear the anger and had a big fight with her mother-in-law, and then there were quarrels and fights anytime and anywhere.But according to traditional Chinese customs, especially in the presence of outsiders, she has to bow to her mother-in-law, after all, "filial piety comes first in everything".For a long time, such days made her miserable.Of course, the same pain is his husband who is flattering and angry at both ends.

Suddenly one day, Hua'er thought of her father's friend Uncle Yang: He is an old Chinese doctor who loves her very much.So she went to Uncle Yang and expressed her intention of coming: Can you give me some poison, so that I can get rid of it once and for all.Uncle Yang was taken aback: You -- aren't you doing well?How can you not think about it when you are young?
"It's not that I can't think about it, it's that these days are too painful. Otherwise, you can give me some poison and let my mother-in-law take care of it!" She finally told the truth.

Uncle Yang was even more surprised. He didn't understand how big things would make this child who dared not even kill a chicken want to kill someone.But he deliberately concealed his surprise, thought quietly for a while, and finally said: "I can help you. But you must listen to me and do what I say. Otherwise, life is at stake, and neither of us will survive!" "

"Of course, everything is up to you."

Uncle Yang turned around and went into the back room, and soon took out a pack of herbs and handed it to Hua'er.Uncle Yang warned: "This is a slow poison I specially prepared. If you get rid of your mother-in-law in one go, others will definitely suspect it. If you use it chronically, the poison will gradually accumulate in her body. After you go back, you have to pretend to be aware of what you did before. No, be respectful to her, don't quarrel with her, often cook her some chicken, fish and meat, just add a little medicine every time. Let me ask again, are you sure you can do it?"

Hua'er readily agreed.As long as I can get rid of my mother-in-law, it's nothing to suffer!
Half a year passed in a blink of an eye, and Uncle Yang's herbs were almost used up.During this period, she strictly followed Uncle Yang's words and treated her mother-in-law like her own mother.And her mother-in-law, who was much more kind than before, actually treated her like her husband, and everyone praised her as the most filial daughter-in-law in the world.Once, she had a high fever and her husband was away on a business trip, and her mother-in-law served her for two days and one night without taking off her clothes.She was moved, deeply regretful, and afraid that one day the poison would take hold, and instead of killing an enemy, she would lose a loved one.

So Hua'er found Uncle Yang again and said, "Uncle Yang, please give me an antidote. My mother-in-law has become another person, and I don't want to poison her to death."

"Hahaha..." Uncle Yang burst out laughing suddenly, and after laughing he said, "The antidote? I didn't give you any poison at all. What antidote do you want? Those herbs are nourishing and will only improve her health. In fact , From the perspective of Chinese medicine, there is no so-called poison in the world, but poisonous Chinese medicine can cure serious diseases. The only poison is in your heart. Fortunately, it has disappeared without a trace!"

Thousands of poisons are poisonous, and the human heart is the most poisonous.If you know a little bit about history, if you know some allusions about fratricide and brother-in-law, you can see at a glance that stories like the ones mentioned above can only be one story.Although the "flowers" in real life are not as vicious as the heroine in the story, the war between them and their mother-in-law has its own legendary color.

A is such a woman of the times.She is the wife of a classmate of mine in elementary school. She became famous not long after she married in our village.Regarding its beauty, I will not expand on it, but only talk about its "management of the family well": A's mother-in-law raised a cow, and the cow gave birth to a calf. After weaning, she wanted to sell it. A found her mother-in-law and asked to sell it to me!Pay it back when your son comes back from work.The mother-in-law had no choice but to "sell" it to her, but everyone knew that even if the sun came out from the west, let alone the son came back from work, the money A would not be returned.If it is just a gift of a calf, it is by no means a problem. The problem is that A knows nothing about cows except that he can eat beef and drink milk.She raises cattle?It's almost the same for cattle to raise her.As a result, the calf can only be raised by the mother-in-law.It's a pity that after more than two years of breeding, the calf was about to grow into a big cow, but the cow died suddenly!Now A is quitting—you don’t want me to raise it, you don’t want to help me raise it, to put it bluntly, you even killed the cow, it’s too vicious!The mother-in-law couldn't hold back anymore and had a fight with her. Of course A refused to show weakness, and immediately used her soprano voice to scold her mother-in-law, and then returned to her mother's house, and put forward three conditions in a dignified manner: [-]. You must apologize to me, restore your reputation, and you must be there. In the presence of two village cadres; second, my cow was raised to death by "she", and "she" had to lose money; third, from now on, I will not do any work in the field, but I am willing to do the work at home Just do it, don't do it if you don't want to do it, or get divorced immediately.As you know, in the end all her conditions were fulfilled - no way, the mother-in-law could only compromise for the sake of her son.

At first, I thought that this kind of thing was just a case.But after my cousin's daughter-in-law and my aunt had a similar incident, I found out that everyone is similar.A colleague of mine also said that an old man in his village invented a very classic quotation: "After marrying a daughter-in-law, a guest comes (read qiě in dialect), and a son is born, and a father is born." Of course, there are also advantages. It's okay, but most of them are their own lives, or the parents-in-law are talented, rich, and have status, etc.

In the past, when talking about such situations, people often used stereotypes: moral decline, money first, and no love.In fact, some families are unhappy in life, not necessarily because of money, nor necessarily because of lack of love, but they only know how to love themselves, their loved ones, their pets, and their poor little circle.They don't know that there is a kind of love called Aiwujiwu.Love is never just a matter between two people.Love all the people you should love, love them with great love, fraternal love, and selflessness, only then can you and your loved ones love longer and suffer deeper.

Learn to love!Otherwise, you will not only become more and more painful, but also become a negative teaching material for our next book.

2.how much love can give
Let's think calmly, is the problem of the entire next generation of teenagers serious?What kind of education did they receive?It's all utilitarianism.Just like "moths to a flame", the whole world learns utilitarianism.So what about the next generation at every turn?Shoot with a machine gun.

——Cai Lixu (Founder of "Haikou Xiaolian Chinese Studies Enlightenment Center", once delivered a speech at Tsinghua University)
Xiaobo is a post-90s boy and also my friend.When we first met, it just happened to catch up with him falling out of love.According to the logic of many people, if you fall out of love, you will fall out of love. If the old one doesn't go, the new one won't come.But Xiaobo couldn't think about it, depression, headache, drinking, surfing the Internet... Just when we were worried that he would die in love, he created a miracle: he found his girlfriend back from the Internet!I asked him afterwards, how did you do it?Talk about the details.He said embarrassedly: "I just go to her QQ space when I have nothing to do, and leave her a message when I'm done. Especially during her menstruation, tell her to drink more boiled water and eat less chili..."

Later, Xiaobo and his girlfriend went to Foxconn in Langfang, and I met a post-90s boy and his girlfriend, Xiao Li.One evening, Xiao Li suddenly came to my house alone to chat.I have a shortcoming that I always walk into the hearts of others intentionally or unintentionally.As a result, I accidentally walked into Xiao Li's heart and touched her pain.As she spoke, she cried.But it frightened me, my wife couldn't explain it when she saw it!I said Xiao Li, don't cry, Xiao Li said you just let me cry, my child is gone today.What did I say?Where did the child come from?She said it belonged to Xiao Zhang.I was really blind at the beginning, and I didn't realize that Xiao Zhang was not a thing until after she became pregnant.I don’t look for a job to support my family, I don’t do housework, I smoke, drink, play poker and surf CS all day long, and my salary has to be handed over to him... How can I entrust my life to someone who is nothing?I asked him for money and he refused to give it, so I found a black outpatient clinic and wanted to have an abortion. I couldn't let my child suffer with me.Who knew that TMD surgery was too expensive, I jumped up and down the corridor as soon as I gritted my teeth, and finally tossed him down...

To paraphrase Master Fan's words: I am puzzled, they are all born in the 90s, why is there such a big gap in love?
To apply another classic lyric: How much love can be repeated?As much love as you can give, there is as much love as you can do again.Even if the one you lost never comes back, there will always be someone who knows how to love and come to you.

Love is the most beautiful thing in the world and the most painful thing in the world.Because for most people, love needs to be pursued, and at least half of the chances of pursuing it are unattainable and unattainable.The stakes are so high it's painful to think about.

But we can't just stop loving because we are afraid of falling in love.If you lack enough charisma to let love chase you down, you have to be brave enough to give.If you pay, you have a chance.Otherwise, you don't even have a chance of falling out of love.

In view of the fact that we have talked too much about the love between men and women in the previous chapters, it is inevitable to talk about it in the following chapters. We will mainly talk about "universal love" in all of this.

Universal love is the core philosophy of Mozi, the founder of Mohism, one of the hundreds of schools of thought. Simply put, it is a love that does not distinguish between each other, you and me, regardless of the cost, and does not ask for anything in return.

According to historical records, Mozi had a special debate with a Confucian scholar named Wumazi for Jianai.Wumazi went to Mozi's house and said bluntly: "I heard that you love the world, but it has not brought any substantial benefits to the people in the world; and I don't love the people in the world, and there is no harm. Love and not love It has no effect, how can you affirm your own statement and deny me?"

Mozi didn't answer directly, but asked Wumazi instead: "If there are three people, one set fire, the second brought water to put out the fire, and the third brought oil to help the fire, but they didn't succeed, would you prefer to bring water or bring fire?" oily?"

"This...it must be the one who handles the water, but the one who handles the oil is wrong."

"I have the same opinion as you. My idea of ​​loving the world is correct. Although I can't accomplish anything good, my heart is good. If I can't achieve it, it deserves praise, and if I do something bad, it deserves recognition."

In fact, most people are the same as Wu Mazi in the story. They may not know that loving together is a virtue, but people are always unwilling to give love first, and always want to wait for others to love themselves before loving others.Everyone thinks this way, so naturally no one is willing to be a pioneer in making love.There is no doubt that this is not a good thing for anyone.

I once saw such a story in "Reader":
On a dark night, a Zen master who traveled far to seek Buddha was walking on a rough road.Because it was too dark, it was inevitable that pedestrians bumped into each other, Zen Master was bumped several times by pedestrians.

Suddenly, a group of dim lights in the distance illuminated the night.A passerby beside him said to himself: "This blind man is really strange. He can't see himself, but he lights up a lantern every night!"

"Blind man?" The Zen master couldn't help being taken aback when he heard this, and quickly asked passers-by, "Excuse me, is the one who played the lantern really a blind man?"

"That's right!" said a passer-by. "I didn't know it at first, but later I met a nearby villager, so I knew."

The Zen master was puzzled: a blind person can't see the way at all, so wouldn't it be ridiculous for him to walk with a lantern?Maybe he has some deep meaning?The Zen master made up his mind and must figure it out.

While thinking about it, the blind man had already walked up to him.

"Dare to ask the benefactor, are you really a blind person?" The Zen master went forward and asked.

"Yes, I was born blind." The blind man stopped and replied calmly.

The Zen master was even more puzzled: "Then, why do you still need to light up lanterns? There is no difference between night and day for you!"

The blind man said, "That's right. I heard people say that if there is no light in the dark, people will become like me, so I lit a lantern."

The Zen master was very moved when he heard this, and said with emotion: "It turns out that the donor is for passers-by!"

But the blind man said: "No, I am for myself."

"For myself?" The Zen master became more and more confused as he listened, "What is the purpose of the benefactor?"

The blind man said slowly, "Did you get bumped by passers-by when you were walking just now?"

"Yes!" said the Zen master, "Just now, I bumped into several passers-by."

"But I don't have one," said the blind man. "Although I am blind and can't see anything, I use this lantern to illuminate the way for others and let others see me, so that people won't be blind because of me." Can't see me and hit me."

After hearing this, the Zen master had an epiphany, and sighed: "I have been traveling so hard, looking for the Buddha everywhere, but I never thought that the Buddha is by my side!"

The blind man in the story does not light an ordinary lantern, but a spiritual light that most discerning people in the world cannot discover.Many people think that making things convenient for others is tantamount to making themselves suffer, and loving others is synonymous with being cheap. Therefore, there are not many people in the world who can love others from the bottom of their hearts. People" or "everyone loves me" toss and turn, worrying about gains and losses.In fact, there is an inevitable logical relationship in this saying - you get rewards while giving, that is, you have to pay first, and then you get rewards.A sage once said: "He who loves others will be loved forever."So, even if it is for ourselves, light the lamp of life, and love generously and selflessly!Treat love as a habit, just like sowing seeds, you will surely reap a golden autumn of love.

3.fall in love, don't fall in love

There is no need to kill yourself because of a broken relationship, that is a very sad thing.I am a person who loves life, and I dare not even step on ants—if I step on a male ant, what do you think the female ant will do?I usually don't eat fish either, I just eat two!
——Yu Minhong (Founder of New Oriental Education Group, once gave a speech at Tsinghua University)

She touched her flat belly, surprised that a life was conceived inside.But this is an unwelcome life.When he said - please let me go, you are so beautiful and dazzling, you can live very well without me.But she is different, I am her whole world, without me she will die - when the child's father begged her to let him go, when he abandoned her for another woman, their child was destined to never be born .

She stood on the rainy street and laughed wildly, then burst into tears. "Because I am strong enough, and because I can live a good life by myself, can I be hurt?" She called her best friend: "We broke up." The best friend immediately appeared in front of her: "If you use The child can't keep him, so what's the use of forcing him? That man is not worthy of you, get a divorce! I will help you find the best hospital and the best doctor for the child. Injure your own body - I heard that ×× Hospital...

——This is not a real story, it’s just an advertisement made by a Beijing gynecological hospital for its painless abortion operation on the Internet. We don't know if the "curative effect" is good or not, but the advertisement is really well done, and it is very close to life.In fact, this kind of thing like love is just like the "best friend" in the advertisement said: if it doesn't belong to you, it's useless if you try hard.To use a popular analogy, love is like a bicycle, and a man and a woman are two wheels, which need to roll synchronously to keep moving forward with sweetness and joy.If one of the wheels is so damaged that it cannot go on the road, it will be useless to try hard on the other.When love develops to this point, it is no longer called "love", but "unrequited love".

What is unrequited love?Unrequited love is wishful thinking, that is, falling flowers have intentions, but flowing water is ruthless.Even if you offer the petals of the full tree one by one, the other party will continue to flow mercilessly.Whether you are passionate, stalking, or irrational, if the other party doesn't love you, you don't love her anymore.

But we cannot conclude that the other party is ruthless.In reality, we are the ones who are unkind to ourselves.Because the original intention of love is to make people happy, but you turned it into a living hell, and then plunged into it, becoming a slave who will never be reborn.Anyone else to blame?Life is short and the world is boundless, where is there no Yan Ruyu?Where is there no affectionate man?

Let alone be obsessed with being brave.Because the song sang: "The price of being brave is to let go of yourself first. Love is ruthless, and everything becomes fake... Are you afraid of loving me, is your heart dead..." For lovers who are already ruthless, for lovers who are already dead The lover of your heart, if you continue to invest bravely, you will be an out-and-out fool.Admitting failure, accepting helplessness, daring to love, daring to hate, daring to lose is not only a kind of freedom, but also a kind of wisdom.

(End of this chapter)