12 Mindfulness Lessons Listened to at Tsinghua University

Chapter 29 Love and Hate (2)
It is said that one evening, the ancient Greek sage Socrates went for a walk in the countryside and met a young man who was crying loudly. He hurried up and asked, "Young man, why are you so sad?"

The young man wiped his eyes and said embarrassedly: "I, I'm broken in love."

Hearing this, Socrates suddenly laughed like a madman, and said, "Confused, stupid, stupid, stupid."

The young man got angry: "I'm broken in love, and you still make fun of me!"

Socrates stopped laughing, shook his head and said, "I didn't make fun of you, but you made fun of yourself."

"You make fun of yourself?" The young man didn't understand.

Socrates explained: "You cry bitterly and are so sad, which shows that you have love in your heart. Since you have love in your heart, then the other party must have no love, otherwise why do you break up? And love is on your side, you I didn’t lose love, but lost someone who didn’t love you. What is there to be sad about? I think you should hurry up and find your true love. The one who should cry should be that girl. She not only lost you, but also lost you. How sad to lose the love in my heart!"

The young man didn't know whether to laugh or cry, but when he thought about it carefully, he didn't even understand this simple truth before, so he bowed politely to Socrates, turned around and went to find his true love.

If it's not yours, don't force it.We can be persistent and stick to love, but when the love is far away, or the love is no longer suitable, why do we have to ask hard and suffer from it?There is no return journey for the years that have passed, and we must let go of some emotions.Who doesn't want to be happy with each other, and who doesn't want to be immortal and beautiful?But the word "fate" can be achieved by manpower and can be changed?If there is a destiny, time and space are not distance; if there is no destiny, even if we are close at hand and meet all day long, we will not be able to understand...

Maybe he once really loved you, maybe you will never forget him all your life.But time has changed, please don't ask him (him) foolishly at an inappropriate time: Didn't you say you want to spend the rest of your life with me?In what way am I inferior to her (him)?In fact, things are impermanent, and things are even more impermanent.Not all affection can be lingering, not all encounters can go together, not all love can stay together forever.The philosopher said, lose a tree, gain a forest.Instead of worrying about losing, it is better to strive for new possessions with all your strength.Everyone should remember that letting go is for better possession, and letting go is a necessary prelude to stride forward.Isn't such a loss a good thing?

Be lovelorn, don't be lovelorn.Plato said that only love with noble goals is noble and praiseworthy, and love with noble goals is true love and priceless love.For the lovelorn, it is unfortunate to give true love but reap the hurt, but on the other hand, such a lovelorn is also lucky, it at least allows us to understand whether we have found true love.Only when we lose those who don't really love us, can we have the opportunity to find the one we really love and spend the rest of our lives together.

4.I love everything about him
The only conditions we consider for marriage should be whether you love him or not, whether he loves you or not, whether he treats you sincerely, whether being with him will be stressful, whether he will be happy, not what he has!In addition to money, the most important thing in a relationship is how good he is to you, not how good he is.

——Sun Liping (Professor, Doctoral Supervisor, Department of Sociology, Tsinghua University)
——Xiao Nan's husband has been promoted to director!Look at you, I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone!

——Why are you so slovenly?I feel ashamed to stand with you!

——I really shouldn't have found someone with your personality back then!

These are all familiar voices, or we ourselves are the ones who are complained or complained actively.It is not difficult to see that most people are more or less dissatisfied with their married life.Because of this, people are used to comparing marriage to the tomb of love, or to a besieged city, people outside the city want to enter, and people inside the city want to come out.After coming out, I want to go in again, and after going in, I still feel uncomfortable... Some people say that this is because in today's economic era, marriage is heavily tainted with money. Many people are too realistic and simply regard marriage as a naked transaction.This sentence has some truth, but it only applies to a small number of people.Because there are too many couples in life, the money is too much to spend in several lifetimes, but it is still difficult to live.On the contrary, there are some poor and humble couples who "sorrow for everything", let us see what is meant by "being in love with each other" and what is meant by "holding the hand of the child and growing old together with the child".

In fact, marriage is as sacred as ever.Unsatisfactory marriages are not all caused by money.What's wrong is that when we are in love, we are often dazzled by passion, forgetting that there is no perfect person in the world; what's more wrong is that after we accept each other, we refuse to accept each other's slight shortcomings.In fact, those who like to complain about their lover's bad or bad, are you sure you are perfect?Everyone has a belly button.Whether you are a man or a woman, some shortcomings are inevitable.As long as these weaknesses and deficiencies do not affect the overall situation, then you should close one eye, ignore or underestimate those weaknesses and deficiencies, and don't demand harshly from the other party.

After the Vietnam War, an American woman wrote this little poem:
remember that day

i borrowed your new car
i crashed it

I thought you were going to kill me
but you don't

remember that day

I vomited weed pie all over your new carpet

I thought you would hate me
but you don't

remember that day

I forgot to tell you that the prom was a dress
Turns out you were wearing jeans
I thought you would give up on me

but you don't

Yeah, there's a lot of things I don't do

And you put up with me, love me, protect me
There are many, many things I want to repay you
Waiting for you to come back from Vietnam

but you don't

Although we cannot say for sure, it is precisely because the husband of the American woman accepted and tolerated many of her shortcomings that she will never forget her husband who died in the Vietnam War and reach the state of lifelong love.But we can at least read from it that tolerance is indispensable for a happy married life.

Another American, by contrast, fared far worse.Dale Carnegie wrote in "The Fragility of Human Nature": "I once went to a friend's house as a guest. When dividing the food, he didn't do some small things right. I didn't notice it at the time, and if I did, I wouldn't would care. But his wife saw it and immediately jumped up in front of me and accused him: "John, look what you're doing!Will you never learn how to divide dishes? ’ Then she said to me, ‘He keeps making mistakes and he just doesn’t pay attention. "—"Maybe he really didn't care, but I really admire him for being able to get along with his wife for 20 years. "Carnegie said with emotion.

No one is perfect, everyone has their weaknesses or shortcomings, and will make mistakes, but the vast majority of people do not make mistakes intentionally, and mistakes are often caused by mistakes.The life of the husband and wife, from firewood, rice, oil, salt, soy sauce, vinegar and tea, to children, the elderly, houses, cars, tickets, and then to dealing with others, will make mistakes if you are not careful, such as forgetting to put salt in the cooking, losing the keys when going out, etc. .When encountering these situations, being tolerant and remedial in time is a hundred times better than sarcasm and condemning the other party.

Someone once posted an article "The Suffering of Marriage" on the Internet, and I found it very insightful after reading it:

Women are generally in three states in marriage: the first is happy when they are with their husbands, and sad when they are not together; the second is sad when they are not together, and they blame and quarrel when they are together; Happy not being together.

My marriage half a year ago belonged to the first type. When he should have come home but didn’t, I would be tossed in a sea of ​​bitterness. If he came home, even if I was full of resentment and crying just now, as long as I saw him, I would be out of breath , my heart is full of joy, this has been the case for ten years, I am a typical woman with a short memory.Such a home is his paradise.

There are also many second marriages. When the man should not return, he will feel resentful in his heart. After returning home, the woman will extend the resentment into accusations and quarrels. It's getting louder and louder, a vicious circle.Such a home is a hell for two people, some with children.Therefore, women in some marriages look haggard and age very quickly.

In the third type of marriage, women fully respect each other's habits, and they are also self-reliant, self-improving, self-respecting, and self-loving. They are happy with him, and they are equally happy without him.A home like this is heaven for two.

Why is marriage so bitter?Because the living habits of two people who grew up in different environments are very different, coupled with the gender difference between men and women, the difference will be even greater.A man's goal is the whole world, but most women, once married, only have their home, husband and children in their eyes.Men smoke, drink, stay up late, entertain and chat with three friends and four friends, and expand their world in such living habits.Women are not interested in the world, and of course they are even less interested in men's habit of opening up the world. In the end, they even have few friends in their boudoirs.

In marriage, it is often a woman who wants to change a man's habits, and often claims that she has good intentions, to care for him, and for this family... If a woman is stubborn and admits death, such a marriage can be imagined.If a man doesn't want to change himself at all, everything you do is in vain.

The world is easy to change, but the nature is hard to change. It is true that few men will change, unless his nature is like this, or his physical condition no longer allows it.So if you want to change a man's habits so that he conforms to your own wishes, you are undoubtedly asking for trouble, and it will hurt others and yourself!
Husband and wife should be relatively independent, so why bother to stalk each other and demand each other according to your own standards in everything?If you want to get along with each other for a long time, you must treat each other as guests and respect each other.Why don't women change their ways, fully respect each other's habits, and fully love themselves?Since we respect him, we should also respect ourselves.I continue my life habits of not smoking, not drinking, not staying up late, and not entertaining with friends. My life cannot become painful because of him.He doesn't change his habit of staying up late and watching TV, and I don't want to change my habit of going to bed early and getting up early, so we can only remain relatively independent, because no matter which one changes for the other, it will be forced, and the heart will not be peaceful and happy.

Before a woman gets married, she must fully understand a man's habits, and then consider whether she can accept the other's habits, including some men's playful habits.Men should not cover up some of their "bad habits" in order to marry a wife, otherwise, they will plant hidden dangers for the marriage, open the door to hell for the two, and suffer children even more.

In fact, as a philosopher once said - husband and wife are like two pieces of wood put together, the combination is not perfect, and the texture and grain are also different.Neither party can use its own characteristics to eliminate the other's characteristics, nor can it carve the other side according to its own standards.It is a kind of fate that two people from different planets can become husband and wife, and every pair of lovers should cherish this kind of fate.And the best way to cherish this fate is to accept all of him.To take a step back, even if you want to improve some of his shortcomings, you should use wisdom and patience to solve them, rather than blunt criticism.

5.love ring

The feelings of "love at first sight" and "sustainable love" are unrealistic. What we need is not such unrealistic and illusory feelings.Some people describe dating with the opposite sex as like picking up stones by the sea, everyone will pick up the one they like.Once you find a rock you like, take it home and treat it well.And remember, never go to the sea again from now on.

——Bai Yansong (host of CCTV, once gave a speech at Tsinghua University)
We have talked about "Sword Rain" before, so let's talk about it here.

In the movie, Xiao Yu asks Elder Chi Chi for advice. What does it mean when Lu Zhu said before he died, "I would like to be transformed into a stone bridge and be exposed to 500 years of wind, 500 years of sun, and 500 years of rain"?The elder said: "Before the Buddha's disciple Ananda became a monk, he saw a young girl on the road, and he has been in love with him ever since. The Buddha asked him, how much do you like that girl? Ananda replied. I would like to be transformed into a stone bridge, and be blown by the wind for 500 years. Years of sunshine and 500 years of rain, but I hope this girl can walk across the bridge..."

I have a problem with this person. When I encounter something of interest, I always want to find out the truth.Unfortunately, since both the Capital Library and the National Library are being renovated, I searched all the information I could find, but I couldn't find the source and ending of this story.But in the process, I found another Buddhist story about Ananda and love:

(End of this chapter)