The Psychology of Microexpressions: Psychological Strategies in Relationships

Chapter 27 The "Wealth" Accumulation Law in Life——Psychological Strategies for Building a Good Relationship with Friends (1)
Do you have more and more friends, or do you even leave your old friends away?Friends are the most precious wealth in life, those who don't get friendship will be poor lonely people for life, and a society without friendship is just a prosperous desert.So, how can we make the evergreen tree of friendship immortal?This requires you to understand some psychological laws, which are the bonds that maintain friendship.

Seesaw Law: The fulcrum between you and your friends cannot be out of balance
Everyone wants to maximize their profits when doing things.The same is true for interpersonal communication. Not everyone is willing to pay for others free of charge.A stable interpersonal relationship must maintain a balance of mutual exchange.In the final analysis, the relationship between people is like two people walking on a seesaw. To get along harmoniously, we must maintain the balance and reciprocity of the expenses of both parties.

Interpersonal communication is essentially a process of social exchange, that is, giving each other what they need.In fact, the same is true among friends, which is also a kind of exchange.In this way, some people may click their tongues, but as long as you think about it carefully, you will find that this is not unreasonable.What is the purpose of your socializing with friends?Of course, at first, you don't associate with it for a specific purpose.

The motivation for people to make friends is definitely because they think that this person is not bad and enough for friends, so they are determined to associate with them.No one wants to make friends with a cunning villain. Once they make friends carelessly, they will feel bad luck when they meet such a person.Therefore, it is actually a kind of exchange between friends, but this kind of exchange is different from the general commodity exchange, and it has its own unique internal laws.Since it is an exchange, it needs to be equivalent. This is like you and your friend stepping on the two ends of a seesaw. No matter which end is too heavy or too light, this balance will be broken, and the friendship will die with it.

Feng Yong is a cheerful and carefree young man, but his popularity is not very good.This is directly related to his arrogance. He graduated from a prestigious university. After graduating from a bachelor's degree, he went abroad for further study for a year and obtained a master's degree.All of this gave Feng Yong a supreme sense of superiority.Once a person thinks he is great, his behavior will often become frivolous and selfish.Therefore, when Feng Yong gets along with his colleagues, he always gives people a feeling of domineering, and he is often more arbitrary in doing things, and rarely considers other people's feelings.But an incident a few days ago completely woke Feng Yong up.

On the afternoon of last Friday, Feng Yong was about to go out to do some errands. As usual, he took the car keys of his colleague Li Liangyu as a matter of course, and said in passing: "You need to get off the car" and you will leave.Unexpectedly, this time Li Liangyu did not acquiesce as in the past, but grabbed the car key and said that he would use it later.As a result, Li Liangyu's people didn't even move a single step until they got off work.

Li Liangyu's behavior made Feng Yong realize that he must have offended Li Liangyu somewhere.He recalled carefully, only to realize that Li Liangyu asked him for help several times because of work, but he refused impatiently.Now, Feng Yongcai suddenly discovered that his so-called "high-ranking and low-ranking people" was just his naive self-righteousness.Afterwards, Feng Yong changed his style of doing things and actively participated in the communication and cooperation among his colleagues. When colleagues had something to do, he even helped others within his ability.He gradually found that he was no longer "high-ranking", and his colleagues liked to discuss issues with him more and more.

Self-centeredness is a major obstacle in interpersonal communication, which will prevent the normal development of interpersonal relationships.Of course, some people's "selfishness" is likely to be unconscious, just like Feng Yong, he is not a bad person, but his own personality dictates that if he does something that hurts his friends, as long as he actively corrects it, he can also win more Friends and friendship.However, truly selfish people always think about their own self-interest and never consider other people's feelings.Such a person is like sitting on the top of a stationary seesaw. Although he maintains a superior position, the whole interpersonal communication loses the fun of interaction and thus becomes dull.Therefore, if you want to have a real friend, you must learn to grasp the balance between each other, let the seesaw between you and the other party, no matter which side should not be too high or low.Next, let's take a look at Mingyang's practice. Perhaps, you can get some inspiration from it, and you will have a deeper understanding of friends.

Ming Yang and Hao Zhi are very good classmates. After graduating from university, the two came to Beijing to fight the world together.If you ask them to recall the experience of two people working part-time, it is also a thick book to write down.Fortunately, after several years of hard work, they have finally gained a firm foothold in this metropolis where they used to "be strangers in a foreign land".At the beginning of last year, Ming Yang used all his savings to open an Internet cafe.

The scale of the Internet cafe is not large, but the expenses in various aspects are still a lot of expenses for Ming Yang.At the beginning, due to the fact that he was a fledgling and lacked management skills, Internet cafes have been in a state of loss.As a result, he even had problems eating.Hao Zhi works in a Sino-foreign joint venture software development company, and his income is just a drop in the bucket compared to this rich city, but it is more than enough to cover his brother's living expenses.Therefore, he generously donated to Mingyang countless times, three or four hundred, five or six hundred, one or two thousand is normal.Until later, Ming Yang couldn't remember exactly how much he owed Hao Zhi.

Hao Zhi has always had a soft spot for music since he was a child. His biggest dream is to use his salary to buy a piano for himself.But during Ming Yang's six months of opening an Internet cafe, his music dream has been delayed again and again.Of course Ming Yang knew that his brother had delayed his dream for his own sake.The final victory will always belong to those who persevere to the end.Half a year later, the well-known Internet cafe finally turned around and started to get on track.Time flies, and Hao Zhi's birthday is here in a blink of an eye.It happened to be Saturday, Hao Zhi wanted to sleep in and go to Ming Yang for his birthday, but he was still in a daze when he heard knocks on the door. "Hello, sir, your express delivery!" Hao Zhi was stunned the moment he opened the door, a huge thing was tightly packed and placed at the door, which made him puzzled for a while. "I didn't order anything?"

Hao Zhi asked in confusion. "A friend of yours asked me to send it here. You just need to sign and he has already paid for it." The courier replied.Hao Zhi signed in a daze.

After opening the layers of packaging, Hao Zhi burst into laughter. On a brand new piano was a birthday cake that was pressed into cakes. No need to guess, looking at the crappy three-legged cat English Kung Fu "Happy Birthday" on the cake, Hao Zhi I knew it was famous.To be honest, the quality of the piano was average, but at that moment, in Hao Zhi’s opinion, it was priceless because it fulfilled his dream.The smile on Hao Zhi's face slowly froze, and suddenly he felt the corners of his eyes moist, but his heart was warm.At that moment, emotion, exclamation, gratitude, moving, sentimental, sentimental... maybe all of them!That night, the two brothers got drunk!
When you are in adversity, you think of your friends. Presumably at this time, you will also weigh in your heart which friends can help you and which friends are just for display.When reaching out to others for something, you must first think about what you have given and how much you have given.You will find the balance between friends in such a comparison, and only in this way is the kingly way to keep friendship fresh!
Over-Limit Effect: Even the best friends should be "moderate"

The over-limit effect refers to the psychological phenomenon that the stimulation is too much, too strong, or acting for too long, which causes extremely impatient or rebellious psychology.The over-limit effect reminds us that "undershooting" certainly fails to achieve the established goal, but "excessive" will also produce over-limit effect, not only failing to achieve the established goal, but even leading to the emergence of reactionary forces.

The "over-limit effect" in psychology can only be explained with a word "too much to go".We in life are always playing various roles in turn, but no matter what role we play, we will inevitably deal with people. In the process of communicating with people, we should always remind ourselves of the importance of "degree". grasp.Whether speaking, doing things, or making friends, you must not go too far, otherwise, you will get twice the result with half the effort.

Once, Mark Twain, a famous American writer and humorist, listened to the pastor's speech in church.At first, he thought the pastor's speech was very touching, so he planned to donate all his money.However, after 10 minutes, the pastor still hadn't finished speaking, and he became a little impatient. He changed his decision and just donated part of his money.After another 10 minutes, the pastor still hadn't finished speaking, so he decided to just donate some change.After another 10 minutes, the pastor was still chattering, at this time, he decided not to donate a penny.When the pastor finally finished his speech and began to solicit donations, Mark Twain was so angry that he not only refused to donate the money, but also stole two dollars from the plate.

The size of language appeal does not lie in its quantity, but in its quality.The pastor's babble turned the goodwill of a capable fundraiser into anger.Therefore, whether it is communicating with people in daily life or when you are invited to give a speech, you must master the "heat" and understand the truth of going too far.Therefore, a smart speaker always ends when the speech is the most exciting, which is like the reason that a good show always ends at the climax, which can leave infinite room for the audience to imagine.

Those who talk endlessly on the stage think that they are showing their talents. In fact, they are just dispensable characters on the stage. Know.Therefore, if you can express something clearly in one sentence, don't say two sentences; if you can express it clearly in two sentences, never say ten sentences.Be good at condensing your thoughts and opinions into one sentence, and let it resound like a heavy stone!When interacting with people, don't be the chattering monk Tang in "A Chinese Journey to the West", otherwise, the people around you will not be able to bear it.Just now we talked about speaking with moderation, but what about doing things?Nature is also a reason.

Zhang Jie and Li Ying are very good sisters, they are inseparable wherever they go.The two went shopping, eating, and shopping for clothes together, as if they were alone. Even if Zhang Jie had a boyfriend, she would never neglect Li Ying because of it. Every time her boyfriend took her to dinner, she would call On to Li Ying.But Li Ying felt that since they are good sisters, it doesn't matter if they get a little oily.

But even such a pair of good sisters did not have conflicts. One thing Li Ying did recently made Zhang Jie feel very uncomfortable.

A few days ago, on Zhang Jie's birthday, her boyfriend gave her a necklace. That night, the boyfriend asked Zhang Jie to open it and try it out.But Zhang Jie felt that the packaging was too beautiful, so she was reluctant to open it.So, the boyfriend who complimented him said: "I must like what you gave me. I'm going to make some beautiful clothes first, and then open it." The boyfriend smiled and patted Zhang Jie on the head.

However, after Zhang Jie got off work the next day, she saw Li Ying trying on a necklace in the bathroom as soon as she entered the door. "Zhang Jie, the necklace your friend gave you is so beautiful, it's a pity to leave it alone, let me wear it for a few days first!" Seeing the messy packing box on the table, Zhang Jie was furious. Come.

Coincidentally, at this moment, her boyfriend knocked on the door and came in. Since Li Ying didn't notice the change in Zhang Jie's mood, she went to answer the door.Zhang Jie's boyfriend saw Li Ying wearing the necklace he gave Zhang Jie around his neck, and looked at Zhang Jie in surprise.Zhang Jie was really speechless at this moment.

Because of this, her boyfriend quarreled fiercely with her that night.Afterwards, although she reconciled with her boyfriend, she explained the matter to Li Ying.

But Li Ying thought disapprovingly that they were all good friends, and they just care about such trivial matters.And in front of Zhang Jie, she accused her boyfriend of being petty.

In this way, Zhang Jie didn't bother to explain to her anymore.However, in the future, the number of times she went out to take Li Ying with her became less and less, and it seemed that there had been a layer of estrangement between the two of them since then.A few months later, the rent was due, and they each rented their own houses.

Li Ying's actions obviously exceeded the "speed" that Zhang Jie could bear. Don't think that the two of them can really become one if they are good friends.Everything has a bottom line, once the bottom line is broken, it will be "too far."The communication between people is like cars driving on the road, and they need a safe distance from each other.

The above is the principle, that is, "degree", and the same is true between friends. Once the safe distance between each other is destroyed, exceeds the degree, and violates the other party's territory, your relationship will become tense.Therefore, maintaining an appropriate degree with friends and keeping a suitable safe distance are the secrets of being in the world and making friends.

The Matthew Effect: The Secret to Getting Your Friends More and More

In the "Gospel of Matthew" in the "Bible", there is a famous saying: "Whoever has, more will be given to him, and he will have more; if he does not have it, even what he has will be taken away." The famous American philosopher Roper T. Merton found the same phenomenon, that is, the more honored scientists are, the more honors are awarded to him; while those unknown scientists are often not recognized for their achievements.Therefore, he named this social phenomenon the "Matthew Effect" in psychology.

There is such a classic saying in the Bible: "Whoever has, more will be given, and he will have more; whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken away." This sentence comes from "Matthew" in the Bible. Gospel" chapter, specifically, it comes from a classic Bible story.

The master wanted to go to another place, called the three servants to him, and divided the money among them according to their abilities.The first servant received 5000 taels of silver from his master; the second servant received 2000 taels of silver from his master, and the third received 1000 taels of silver.

After the master left, the first servant used the 5000 taels of silver that the master gave him to do business.As a result, he made another 5000 taels of silver. In this way, he owned 1 taels of silver; the second servant also used the 2000 taels of silver that the master gave him to do business. , In this way, he owned 2000 taels of silver; the third servant buried 4000 taels of silver in the ground without moving a single penny, and in the end he still had 1000 taels of silver.

After a long time, the master came back and asked about the three servants.The first servant reported that he had earned 5000 taels of silver, and the master said, "Okay, I will entrust you with the management of many things, so that you can enjoy the joy of being a master." The second servant reported that he had earned 2000 taels of silver, The master said: "Okay, I will let you manage more important things, so that you can enjoy the joy of being a master." The third servant reported: "I buried the 1000 taels of silver you gave me in the ground. Not a penny is missing." After hearing this, the master was furious, scolded the servant severely, and decided to return his 1000 taels of silver and distribute it to the servant who had 1 taels of silver.

(End of this chapter)