The Psychology of Microexpressions: Psychological Strategies in Relationships

Chapter 35 The Rules of Getting Together in Love, Marriage and Happiness—Psychological Strategies for Building a Good Relationship with Your Lover (1)
If your lover's footsteps are gradually drifting away, don't blindly wallow in sadness.After learning from the pain, I figured out the whole story, in order to avoid "misfortune" from befalling me again.If you have been blindly suspicious, complaining, indifferent...and never cared what the other person is thinking, then you can only blame yourself for falling in love!If you hold hands again for happiness and love, you must learn to take care of the other person's feelings and listen to the other person's inner voice!
The law of space: love also needs to breathe

We both advocate free love and marriage.But not everyone knows how to leave a little space for each other in love and marriage.

There is no space for love, how can we talk about freedom?Love without personal space is like a life without sunlight and air. It will eventually wither, and the result can only make people feel suffocated. This result can only be a breakup or divorce.

There was such a story:
Before she got married, a girl asked her mother: "How can I make love last? How can I make my husband love me forever?"

The girl's mother didn't say anything, just walked into the yard, took a handful of sand with both hands, and then squeezed it hard. The harder the girl's mother pressed, the more sand seeped out from the cracks in her fingers.When the girl's mother was finally exhausted and opened her hands, the girl saw that there was very little sand left in her mother's hands.The girl's mother stretched her hands covered with small sand grains in front of her daughter, and said to her daughter, "Do you understand now?"

The girl nodded thoughtfully.

In fact, the girl's mother just wanted to tell her daughter: "If you hold love too tightly, you will lose more."

This little story is worth pondering.The truth that the girl's mother told the girl should also be understood by each of us.For a thing, if we hold it too tightly and there is no space, it will lose its vitality or even die.The same goes for love and marriage, both of which require freedom and space.In love and marriage, if we try to hold each other too tightly, the final result will definitely disappoint us. At least it will cause conflicts and estrangement between the two parties, and at the worst it will lead to breakup or divorce.There are many examples like this in real life:

Wenwen just confirmed her relationship with her boyfriend three months ago.Since then, Wenwen has regarded her boyfriend as her everything, wishing to be with him every minute and every second, Wenwen even asked to know the password of her boyfriend’s mailbox, bank card and even his diary, and she would I look through the call logs and text messages in my boyfriend's mobile phone every day.She doesn't let her boyfriend participate in any other activities or parties, only let him accompany her.Sometimes, if she doesn't see her boyfriend for a day, Wenwen will think: what is he doing?Do you drink too much when eating with friends?Are you dating another female colleague after get off work... Wenwen thinks about these things every day, making herself exhausted.Of course, her boyfriend also felt very depressed because of this, and all the freedom he had before was gone.

After careful consideration, the boyfriend solemnly proposed to Wenwen to break up.Wenwen was very sad and couldn't figure it out: "I love him so much! Why did he break up with me?" But at this time, there was no room for redemption, and her boyfriend had already made up his mind to break up.

In fact, sometimes the heart of a lover cannot be deliberately grasped. Love must have enough space to burn for a long time. People who love each other must give each other enough freedom, so that he can relax and be happy.With space, each other can survive; with space, both parties can have room for maneuver, so friction and conflict are less likely to arise; with space, each other can obtain opportunities for self-improvement, and therefore, the quality of love and marriage will also be improved. Higher; with space, the sense of respect gained by both parties will be stronger, and love and marriage will be easier to build on the basis of independence.

On the contrary, if love and marriage are grasped too tightly, the other party will feel breathless, and love will slowly disappear in a tense atmosphere, followed by conflicts, quarrels, and accusations... Then, love What brings us is no longer happiness, but pain.

So, how should the space of love be given?This space needs to be based on the self-discipline and mutual trust of both parties.To give the other party space is to give yourself space, correct your behavior, try to give up some space, and stop encroaching too much on his private domain that should belong to him.

For example, don't peek at each other's privacy (it's okay to ask if you want to know), try to understand each other (you can know when he wants to be alone most).

All in all, in love or marriage, apart from being based on feelings, the most important thing is to trust each other and give each other a certain amount of space.

Of course, the grasp of this space is not so easy.If the space is too small, the other party will think that you are narrow-minded and too obsessive; if the space is too large, the other party will think that you do not care enough about him, and the relationship will be cold.If the other party needs to have separate social relations, such as class reunions and unit activities, don't interfere too much; there is no need to ask which opposite sexes are participating, what they are talking about, and so on.Of course, if you come back late, you should show some concern and call appropriately.In fact, the problems of love and marriage are all the details of life. After a long time, I will naturally know it in my heart.

The Romeo and Juliet Effect: Belief in Love Against Resistance

Romeo and Juliet's love has been greatly hindered by their family feud.But the oppression did not make them break up, but made them love deeper, until they died in love.This phenomenon is known as the "Romeo and Juliet Effect".That is to say, when there is an external force that interferes with the love relationship between the two lovers, the emotions of the two lovers will be strengthened instead, and the love relationship will become stronger as a result.

Romeo and Juliet is a play by Shakespeare.The story takes place between two feuding and feuding families in 14th-century Italy.Romeo, the only son of the two families, and Juliet, the only daughter, fell in love with each other. Their love was obstructed in many ways, but the two young people were determined to break through the obstacles and carry on their loyal love vigorously to the end.The more the family members of both sides objected, the tighter their hearts were.

Similar situations are not uncommon in our lives.So why does this happen?What is the psychology that makes these "beaten mandarin ducks" closer?One of the psychological explanations is from the relationship between freedom of choice and liking for the chosen object.

Let's look at an experiment first:
In an experiment, the American social psychologist Bram asked the subjects to choose between A and B.In the low-stress condition, one person told the testee "We choose A"; in the high-stress condition, the other person told the testee "I think we should both choose A."

As a result, under the low-stress condition, the proportion of the subjects who actually chose A was 70%, while under the high-stress condition, only 40% of the subjects chose A.

It can be seen that for a choice, if the choice is voluntary, people will tend to increase their liking for the chosen object, but when the choice is forced, they will reduce their liking for the chosen object.

Therefore, in the process of falling in love, when both parties in love are forced to make a certain choice, they will have a high degree of psychological resistance. This mentality will prompt them to make the opposite choice, and even increase their liking for the things they choose.From the perspective of deeper psychological needs, this is because people all have a need for autonomy, and they all hope that they can be independent, and they don't want to be puppets controlled by others.Once others take over, make choices for themselves, and impose this choice on themselves, people will feel that their autonomy is threatened, resulting in a kind of resistance psychology: rejecting what they are forced to choose, and at the same time preferring what they are forced to choose. lost things.It is this psychological mechanism that causes the love story of Romeo and Juliet to continue to be staged from generation to generation.

The "Romeo and Juliet effect" is worth pondering: In real life, when our love encounters external forces, we should trust each other and believe that the other party loves us from the bottom of our hearts. Our feelings will grow deeper, so just for this, we should not give up lightly.

In real life, there are indeed many examples similar to "Romeo and Juliet", but unfortunately, not everyone can choose to persevere and choose to believe in each other like Romeo and Juliet.

Wang Yan and Yu Mei have been classmates since primary school.After graduating from high school, Wang Yan went to Beijing to go to college, while Yu Mei went to college in her hometown-Xiamen.

During college, Wang Yan and Yu Mei still maintained close contact and established a romantic relationship through letters.The two also agreed that they would get married as soon as their jobs stabilized after graduation.

After graduating from university, Wang Yan was admitted as a civil servant in Beijing.Yu Mei stayed at the school as a teacher through the school's policy of "retaining the best".In this way, according to the agreement of two people, if they get married, one of them must make a sacrifice.Under such circumstances, Yu Mei decided to give up the chance of staying in school and went to Beijing to marry Wang Yan.However, this decision was immediately opposed by the parents.

She didn't get her parents' consent, and Yu Mei didn't categorically make a decision that contradicted her parents' opinions. She just felt that her parents would definitely agree with her after a long time.In this way, the delay lasted for three years. During the three years, because of the opposition of the parents, the relationship between the two not only did not weaken, but deepened.

However, practical problems must be solved after all.Yu Mei's parents still have not changed their opinion, and their opinion is very firm: Yu Mei is their only daughter, they can't let their daughter live in Beijing, and they don't want to live with their daughter in Beijing.

Under such circumstances, Wang Yan gradually had an opinion on Mei. The two of them were already quite old, and it was not an option to delay.

Wang Yan asked Yu Mei to take tough measures, but Yu Mei didn't want to hurt her parents.Because of this incident, the two had a lot of trouble.

The petty quarrels became more and more, and the two of them had opinions.Although both of them believed in their hearts that they loved each other, they began to wonder if the other was still in love with them.

Yu Mei thought: I can't follow Wang Yan to live in Beijing, Wang Yan must have something against me, although I love him, but because of this matter, he will no longer love me like before.

Wang Yan thought: I believe that I love Yu Mei very much. Although her parents are against our marriage, this has strengthened my love. But why is Yu Mei unwilling to sacrifice for our love?She definitely doesn't love me the way she used to.

In this way, both of them had doubts about each other in their hearts, and then there was a estrangement. They both buried their love for each other in their hearts, and their contact was much less.

After another year, Wang Yan got a new girlfriend in Beijing and got married soon.Before the wedding, Wang Yan sent Yu Mei an email:
"Yu Mei, I still love you, but we may not have a chance in this life, let's be husband and wife again in the next life."

After receiving the email, Yu Mei regretted it.

Why did Wang Yan and Yu Mei split up in the end?In fact, they have not established absolute trust in each other.Despite the opposition of their parents, their love became sweeter under the resistance.On the one hand, they have deepened their love for each other in their hearts, but on the other hand, they wonder whether the other party still loves themselves.Once doubts arose, they became less confident in themselves, which is why they eventually broke up.

Many people are like Wang Yan and Yu Mei. Once their love encounters resistance, their love will be sweeter under the resistance at first, but after a little delay, they will have doubts in their hearts, wondering if the other party is still in love self, which leads to giving up and retreating.

At this time, we should learn from Romeo and Juliet, no matter how much resistance we encounter, we must trust each other, which is the basis for us to come together in the end.In fact, the greater the resistance, the deeper the love for each other will be.Besides, no matter what problems can be solved, the resistance will gradually disappear. The important thing is that we should work hard to resolve misunderstandings and eliminate resistance.

Of course, in the face of resistance, to firmly believe in love, you don’t have to die for love like Romeo and Juliet, but to learn to let external resistance be moved by our steadfast love.

The law of shelf life: keep love fresh at all times

The additional satisfaction people get from a single item will decrease as the number of items they get increases; the same person will have different feelings at different times, and the happiness effect of the same item on people in different demand states is also the same. Not the same, this is the famous "law of diminishing happiness".For love, the "Law of Diminishing Happiness" enlightens us that: keeping love fresh requires constant creation of freshness.

A hungry person will feel very sweet when he eats the first bread, he will feel satisfied when he eats the second, and he will feel full when he eats the third. If he continues to eat the fourth, Fifth, it becomes a burden, and the initial happiness is gone.This phenomenon shows that the additional satisfaction people get from a single item will decrease with the increase of the items they get; the same person will have different feelings at different times, and the same item will affect people in different needs , its happiness effect is also different; people's feeling of happiness for the same thing will decrease with the change of material conditions.This strange phenomenon is summarized as "law of diminishing happiness".

"The Law of Diminishing Happiness" can often find its shadow in life, for example:
Story [-]:

In order to avoid the pursuit of soldiers, a king finally escaped from the chaos and hid in the wilderness for two days and two nights, cold and hungry.

Just when the king was desperate, he met an old woodcutter.The old woodcutter felt sorry for him, so he gave him a vegetable dumpling made of cornmeal and dried cabbage.The king was so hungry that he ate it up in two mouthfuls, and he thought it was better than all the delicacies he had eaten in the palace before.

So the king asked the woodcutter what it was.The woodcutter told him it was called "hunger".

Later, when the king returned to the palace, thinking of this unforgettable delicacy, he asked the imperial dining room to give him "hungry" food.But the chefs tried hard, but they couldn't satisfy the king's request.

Story [-]:
An American young man was extremely thirsty in the African desert. At that time, he got a glass of clean water, which brought him great satisfaction and happiness.And when he returned to the United States, there was drinking water everywhere, and his happiness from a glass of clean water dropped to zero, and he hoped that he could drink Coke immediately.

It can be seen that when we are in a poor state, a little thing may bring us great joy; and when our environment gradually improves, our requirements, concepts, desires, etc. will change, and the same The things we have can no longer meet our needs, and we can no longer find the original sense of happiness in them.

The same is true of love.We all have this experience. When we fantasize about our love, we will imagine our love as very romantic; When we taste the sweetness of love, we will have a sense of happiness that is beyond words.However, as time goes by day by day, when we have firmly grasped the love that we once got through the ages, we may have a sense of repulsion to the sweet love that was once, the freshness when we first got love And happiness will slowly disappear.This is actually the "law of diminishing happiness" at work.

In the face of love, how to avoid the influence of "law of diminishing happiness"?How to keep your love fresh?
(End of this chapter)