How can I chat?

Chapter 14 Sometimes Silence Is Golden
The rules of improvisation: improvisation is all about interacting with other people, and you can’t interact if you’re always eager to express your opinion instead of listening.Sometimes, you just need to keep your mouth shut and be a listener.

Have you ever been in a situation where you've finished a sentence and the other person completely ignores what you said and starts talking about yourself?It's as if the other person didn't hear you at all, when often the truth is, he just didn't hear what you had to say.

Dialogue in the true sense is like a two-way street. If you want to get information, you must make room for the other party.In many cases, just listening, accompanying, is also a form of communication.

Unfortunately, people who are not good at chatting can see communication as a dumping, one-sided confidant.It usually takes one of two forms.

Either, they will set up a process for the chat in advance, and a fixed set of views, or they are immersed in their own lives, just want to share and not listen.In either case, they will chatter until they don't want to.

What will this make the other party think?They clearly feel that the person in front of them is just eager to talk and has no interest in what others have to say.

They didn't get much out of the conversation, and at times, the feeling of being passively listened while their own words were ignored was all the more depressing and irritating.

To master the art of chatting, understand that silence is an effective communication tool that can be used more than ever.

In most cases, simply remaining silent will give the other person more motivation to speak.Because you're allowing them to advance the conversation and make them feel very comfortable.

don't just wait your turn to talk

If you let the other person talk just to wait for your turn to talk, then you're not actually participating in the conversation.

Worse, you don't respect them.This shows that you don't take them seriously enough to even listen to them until it's your turn to speak.

Chatting that enhances the relationship and makes the other person feel comfortable and intimate requires the skill of alternating silence and speaking, with equal opportunities for attention on both sides.

Silence itself can have a very positive effect, and that's because when combined with active listening, you can increase your personal connection with the person you're chatting with.Unfortunately, these effects are impossible to achieve if you're just waiting for the other person to stop and it's your turn to talk.Because you are just waiting for that gap where you speak.And it is very easy to interrupt the other party, forcibly intervene or discourage the other party's interest in speaking, which are all bad habits.

What makes great improvisers so successful is that they know when to take advantage of the silence and when to engage the audience's emotions.

It's all about reading and working with your audience.However, you cannot cooperate with the other person if you are merely waiting for your chance to speak.If you're just waiting, you won't be able to commit to creating an atmosphere of connectedness and feeling good.This is the exact opposite of a real conversation, which is when you don't expect it to strengthen your connection with others.

Bottom line: people don't like being ignored.

Don't interrupt
It is disrespectful if you interrupt someone who is speaking.

Because you are telling the other person that what he says is not important, what you have to say is more important, even if it is just an unformed thought.

Interrupting someone sends different signals, but almost all of them are negative.This is not just about you interjecting or interrupting the other person, but an important signal of personal respect and value.

When you interrupt someone, you are trying to dominate them, belittle what they have to say, and impose your chat agenda on them.

You are telling the other party "Only my words are worth listening to, and only I am the most important."This is the worst kind of offense and disrespect.You might think it's no big deal, but when you keep interrupting people, that's definitely the signal you're sending.

Of course, you didn't mean to do it, and you probably didn't mean it at all.But these are your own ideas, and the other party cannot know.At the same time your actions are signaling the opposite of your intentions, you must be aware that your intentions and the signals of your actions are often at odds.

Seriously, don't interrupt the other person, unless you agree with the other person's words very much and can help the other person finish the second half of his sentence.If you interrupt the other person, the remedy is to ask the other person what they meant to say immediately after you have finished speaking.

In fact, we can establish a two-second rule.After the other person has finished speaking, pause for two seconds, think about what the other person said, and show the person that you are thinking about what they said before answering.This will make it seem like you've really thought about their opinion, and your answers will have depth as well.

listen and respond appropriately

The success of great improv performances comes from the performers taking the time to listen and give feedback, to think carefully, and to respond appropriately.What I want to emphasize here is that they recognize the other person's point of view, and the response they give can let the other person know that you have listened carefully to what he said, rather than just responding with "really" or "that's it".

The same goes for chat skills.To be a good conversationalist, you need to know when to stop and listen, properly digest what the other person has to say, and then respond appropriately.

None of the above can be said if you refuse to listen.The other person will notice and don't want to talk to you anymore.

So silence alone is not enough.When you look at the other person in confusion, the other person will feel that the message was not conveyed well, so they have to repeat it-this is the same as not listening carefully.

You have to be part of the conversation.It doesn’t just mean being physically present, but being mentally, emotionally involved in the conversation and physically present.This is exactly how people feel respected, valued, and heard.

Use your facial expressions, eyebrows, posture, and smile to respond to everything they say.Nod when they emphasize a point.Encourage them to keep talking with words like "Go on...."Make it clear that you listen to every word they have to say.

Chatting is a team activity

People who just want someone to talk to should be called "users", with few exceptions.Such people are self-centered and only use others as ears.

The whole conversation revolves around them, centered on their process, on what they think is important, and there is no room for others to speak.

And chatting in the true sense is talking about things that are important to each other on an equal footing.However, when you act conceited by treating the chat as if it were just a pour, you are hurting the person you are chatting with.Eventually, that person will stop talking to you because they feel like they got nothing out of the conversation.No one cares about your life like yourself.

Remember when was the last time you asked someone how their day was rather than just blah blah blah blah blah blah?Remember a time when you made an effort to get to know the person in front of you?

If you want to be good at chatting, you need to learn how to be silent.As the saying goes, you only learn when you are silent.A pleasant chat is the process of learning from each other.

By allowing yourself to actively listen, rather than just waiting for your turn to speak, you can truly connect with others.A real chat is a real connection.However, just waiting for the chance to speak for yourself not only won't make that connection happen, it will make you completely persona non grata.

practise:

Next time you chat with your friends, just talk about them.Try to understand what happened every minute of their day.This means you need to be silent, listen, respond appropriately and ask questions to keep the chat going.Talk as little as possible, give an appropriate response, and then move the conversation in the direction the other person expects.

Don't interrupt them, try to get the other person to tell at least 5 stories.Focus on how difficult it is for you to do this at first, and how willing they are to go into great detail about themselves.Does it feel a bit self-conscious when you ask the other person to describe the events of the day in more detail?If so, you may have a problem with not being able to silence at the right time.

(End of this chapter)