How can I chat?

Chapter 4 Responses Every Moment

The rule of improvisational drama: respond to whatever topics come up in front of you, because they probably came up for a reason.

Successful improvisation is never an intellectual demonstration.

Once you tell a story on a purely academic level, it can easily get bogged down in boredom.Chatting and interacting becomes your talk.

Effective telling requires feedback from the audience.When telling these stories, you need to know which ones are important and which ones need to be focused on.

It's like we all have a well-known rule when we listen to a story, or laugh when we hear a friend's bad joke.We know what kind of response the other person is expecting because you see them working for it and you give a hint of what it is they want.

Pay attention to other people's cues, and the chat may become longer, more engaged, and develop to the topic you want to talk about.

People hint in chat for a reason
There must be a reason why the other person likes to dwell on certain topics.In a way, those details are important to them, and they're cueing you by going around like this that they want you to go along with what they're talking about.

If you can simply touch on those aspects and let them continue, they will feel validated, that you understand and value them.

In other words, you lay the groundwork for impressing them.

This is why successful marketers are so effective.They know that, deep down, everyone craves recognition and the respect that comes with that recognition.When you are aware of the other party's hints, you only need to find various small topics under the big topic to make the other party feel your approval.That way, it's clear that you're talking about something they're interested in.And the more you make them feel valued, the more likely they'll like you.

It's a pity that people who want to improve their chatting skills focus on building mutual trust.

This might work in theory, but it doesn't work for small talk.So it’s really important to use this deep-seated human need to be respected, recognized, appreciated to your ends, and it all boils down to emotional investment.

Start by listening better and trying to figure out what the other person values ​​most.People don't say exactly what they want to talk about, so it's up to you to pick up on their cues and respond accordingly.

For example, when the other party talks about their pet dog from time to time, or seems to mention these small animals casually, then, Sherlock Holmes, this is a key clue, which is implying what you should do next.As mentioned earlier, very few people say "I want to talk about my dog, listen to me".Everyone always introduces topics seemingly inadvertently.

engage and react

When the other person shares certain details with you, and you know they want a response from you, you can exaggerate your response.

But, you have to be careful, there is a fine line between reacting appropriately and deliberately exaggerating the other person's emotions to make fun of them.If you go too far, it will appear that you are mocking the other party.This will make the other person alienate you and stop showing their true feelings.They'll think you're judging, and they may stop talking to you.

This is obviously not the respect and attention they crave.

So, make an appropriate emotional response.That way, they'll feel that you care about what they have to say and that it's just as important to you.

Examples of emotional responses include exclamation, genuine happiness or anger, clenching of fists, or a loud laugh.

If the other party is talking about his own experience of being belittled, then you can show your anger appropriately to express your understanding.It doesn't matter if the emotions expressed don't match, because in most cases, what people need is the other party's reaction and understanding.The next step is to use that "yes, and..." to talk more deeply along the lines of their cues.

Again, exaggeration should be done in moderation
Unfortunately, different people have different emotional intensities.And in many cases, the middle part of the bell curve, which represents the intensity of emotional expression, can be quite wide.

Therefore, you have to exaggerate a little to let the other person accurately read your emotional reaction.Ordinary responses, for some, may still be too subtle to be perceived.

At this point, a little exaggeration is necessary so that you can articulate your emotional response.At the same time, by exaggerating your responses, you can clearly show the other person that you understand what they are saying and empathize with them.

Some of us have a poker face and we don't realize it.So exaggeration is sometimes necessary in order for any message to be conveyed accurately.

Respond to the chat topic you want

If you want to be a really good conversationalist, you have to adapt and be ready to tune in to the other person's conversational lines.

Chatting is a two-way street, and sometimes, you have to take a detour even if you don't want to.

If you always go your own way, hitting a wall is inevitable.

However, if you respond strategically, you can move the conversation to a mutually acceptable middle ground and eventually get to the topic you want to talk about.

How?
For example, if someone comes to you with an angry face, you don't necessarily have to show corresponding anger.If you don't want to talk about the source of their anger, then you just need to show understanding and show your strong emotions to change direction.Emotional intensity is key because that makes them impossible to ignore.They will react to your emotions in turn, and the chat will take a completely different direction.

If you're not at all interested in the video the other person is sharing, react with a smile and show strong emotion to redirect the rest of the chat.

Don't feel the need to be in control of the conversation topic.

Chat is a two-way line

You can't simply say what you want to say, wait for the other person to finish, and then go on to say what you want to say.Chatting is not as simple as waiting for your turn to speak.

During the chat, the other party shares information with you and is also influenced by you.You approve of their ideas, their words, and they will be emotionally invested.

It is important to acknowledge what the other person has to say.This means that what they think is important also has a great emotional impact on you.Remember, people always want recognition, appreciation and respect.

If you want the two sides to chat longer, deeper, and end up admiring each other and getting to know each other, you have to do it.Responding appropriately isn’t something we’re born with, and we likely don’t care one iota about what the other person has to say.Some of us are born with a poker face.

it does not matter.But make an effort and aim for what you are working towards.And that may require a lot of sacrifice and dedication.

You probably won't learn it overnight.However, the sooner you start making the effort, exaggerating your emotions, and sending the right signals of appreciation, the more likely you are to steer the conversation toward the topics you want to talk about.

practise:

Tell your friends what your purpose is, otherwise they might be very confused.Then, you have to start keeping silent.You can't talk while your friend has something to say.

It's a completely one-way chat where you can only express moderately exaggerated emotional responses through facial expressions, body language, gestures, and eye contact responses, and ensure that the message is delivered accurately.This can probably be done most of the time!

This trains in responding appropriately, experimenting with how much of a response proves that you are listening to the other person.You will likely find that you have to exaggerate your reactions in order to be understood, and that some reactions that seem obvious to you are not obvious to others.

(End of this chapter)