Learn about child psychology every day 2: Before the age of 8, you can help your child acquire a goo

Chapter 10 Let the shy baby be generous (4)
"It's okay. Dodo, uncle, let me introduce you, this is sister Minmin!"

Minmin is two years older than Dodo, and ran over as soon as she saw Dodo.After a while, the two children started playing.

After the guests left, the father asked puzzledly: "Why is the child afraid of seeing Uncle Li? Is it timid?"

"It should be! But why doesn't Duoduo behave like this when she sees children?" Mom was also very helpless.

Case in-depth analysis
When seeing guests at home, the child hides in the room and refuses to come out. I believe many parents have this experience.Why is the child like this?Out of timidity, of course.More precisely, it is timidity or fear of seeing strangers.

Timidity is a type of shyness, but it is still different from natural shyness.The natural shyness means that they are shy when they see all strangers, while the timid shy children may not be shy outside, but they are just shy to meet their parents' friends, relatives or elders.Even familiar elders, they are reluctant to say hello.If the elders want to tease them, they immediately become curled up hedgehogs—heads down, blushing, not knowing what to say.

In fact, these shy children who are afraid to meet people are very interested in other people, but their inner anxiety and tension prevail, making them do not know how to meet their elders.

Generally speaking, timid and shy children are not shy all the time, and most of their shyness is only shown in specific environments or in front of specific groups of people.For example, many children are afraid of meeting teachers, but they are not nervous when they meet strangers of similar age.

So, why are children timid, especially timid to meet their elders?

(1) Had an unpleasant experience.

For example, some elders often tease the child, telling the big bad wolf to eat him if the child is disobedient, or being too strict with the child when he makes a mistake.This will lead to fear or tension in children towards their elders.In the same way, if the kindergarten teacher has severely criticized the child, the child will also be afraid to see the teacher.

(2) The child's "psychological safety zone" is small.

Every child's "psychological safety zone" is different.Some children are the safest at home, no matter who comes, they will not be frightened; for children who are naturally timid, the "psychological safety zone" will be greatly reduced, as long as they feel unfamiliar, they will feel timid.

(3) Genetic factors.

Heredity is an indirect factor that causes shyness.Sensitivity in some children can be evident in infancy, possibly due to the stress of the mother during pregnancy.And if the parents are introverted and shy, they don't usually get in touch with others, and there are few guests at home, which will naturally cause the child to be shy and timid.

psychologist advice
Is your child timid?Are you afraid to see all the strangers, or are you afraid to meet the elders?

Often, children are shy in their infancy.Some children are afraid to meet their elders, such as grandfather and uncle, and some children are afraid to meet kindergarten teachers or people who are taller and more serious.If the child is only nervous when seeing them and dare not speak loudly, it is quite normal.But if the child hides and cries when he sees these people, parents should pay attention to it.

Generally speaking, if a child is timid to meet people, you can first let the child come into contact with people with kind expressions, such as young and optimistic female relatives, female teachers in kindergartens.Because children generally like young women.Therefore, when visiting, parents can let their children greet those beautiful aunts or children first, say a few words, and finally greet those who are timid to see.

In addition, parents can guide their children in the following ways.

(1) Make good use of the expectancy effect.

When a child wants to play with his friends but is afraid to join in, parents should look at the child expectantly and say to the child: "Why don't you go over and show those children your new toy?" ? If you walk over, mom will be very happy. Mom likes brave children the most!" Parents can also hold the hand of the little friend and say: "Can I play with my child?" At this time, parents should Try to stay with the child for a while, and then quit when the child is having fun.

(2) Set up a "psychological safety zone" for children.

If the child is timid to see strangers, you can first set up a "psychological safety zone" for the child, such as telling the guests the child's strengths and interests in advance.When guests come, let the children stay in the room and move freely, but the door must be ajar.In this way, the compliments from the guests will be passed on to the children.Afterwards, the parents can chat with the guests about something of interest to the child.Finally, let the child help to hold the cup, and let him greet the guests by the way.

(3) Give children positive psychological hints.

Parents should not label their children as "shy", but should give them positive psychological hints.For example, tell your child: "You are not a shy child, but you still don't know how to communicate." Or say: "If you can follow what your mother said, you will be able to find children to play with soon."

Stone of Other Mountains
Father's name: Yan Ming

Occupation: Engineering Supervisor

Son's name: Yan Wenwen, 5 years old

I am the engineering director of a construction company, and I have to meet many people every day, including the company's leaders and construction team members.Because of this, my family has guests almost every day.At the beginning, my family was relatively "hospitable". When I saw guests coming, they would help me move chairs, fetch tea, and pass cigarettes.People who come to my house also praise him for being sensible.

However, when Wenwen was 5 years old, he seemed to have turned into a "shy little girl" overnight.He didn't say hello to the guests, and I asked him to help with small things, and he hid in his own small room when he saw a stranger visiting at home.

At first, I thought he was being lazy and unwilling to help me with these small things, but one time, I asked him to bring some fruit to a colleague, but he refused to do it.From his eyes, I saw fear, as if my colleagues were going to take him away.His mother asked again and again, but he burst into tears.

Why did the originally cheerful and generous child suddenly become so shy and timid to meet people?
Later, I finally remembered that once, a colleague of mine once joked to the child: "Wenwen, you are not born to your parents. I will take you away when I find your parents, okay?" Just started crying.Is the child scared?
But the child's mother disagreed with this, saying that it was because I was too strict with the child.

I checked a lot of information and found that children's timidity in meeting people is a manifestation of "shyness". There are many reasons for this, one of which is related to previous setbacks.Such as being severely reprimanded by parents for accidentally knocking over a guest's cup.

I also reprimanded my child because of the guests at home. It seems that the mother of the child is right. It is my improper education method.

So I decided to change.

A few days later, a friend from other places came to my house as a guest.Before he came, I told Wenwen: "Your Uncle Chen will come over later, he bought you Transformers last time. He likes to eat watermelon, you can take some watermelon from the refrigerator later." After finishing speaking, Wenwen was stunned. He stared at me blankly for a while, then nodded hesitantly.

Although the article didn't take the initiative to shout "Hello, Uncle Chen" that day, it still brought out the watermelon.His move has made me very excited, after all, there has been progress.It seems that this method is quite useful.

Since then, I have been using this method to guide the article to become more "active".The article is much more generous now.

I succeeded.

6. Cheng Cheng who is afraid of his older brothers and sisters
——Helping children away from the "fear of being big" mentality

Cheng Cheng is 3 and a half years old, he is very domineering at home, he doesn't take anyone seriously except his father.But this little overlord is very afraid of older brothers and sisters, whether it is his cousins, or the children in the park or the neighbors. When he sees them, he is very obedient, and the older children let him do it. Whatever he does.

In the community where Cheng Cheng's family lives, there are several children who are slightly older than him, and they meet almost every day.Every time those children would take the initiative to let Chengcheng play games together, but Chengcheng was very cautious and most of them dared not go.

He didn't dare to participate in games like blowing bubbles.Once, Chengcheng's mother couldn't stand it anymore, so she encouraged Chengcheng: "Chengcheng, look, the little brothers and sisters are playing so well, why don't you go and play, and my mother is here to watch." You." The parents of the older children also encouraged Cheng Cheng.Cheng Cheng didn't speak, and didn't even move a step.Cheng Cheng's mother wanted to pull him over, but he didn't expect him to cry, which made everyone very embarrassed.

Another time, a sister who was slightly older than Cheng Cheng was holding a small shovel in his hand, and he was holding a small spoon, and the younger sister wanted his spoon.

"Chengcheng, let's play with Miss Sister!"

With mother's repeated encouragement, the two exchanged. Just after a while, the young lady snatched her shovel back again.Now Cheng Cheng quit, and wanted to snatch the little spoon back, but he just stood there in a daze as soon as he walked up, without saying a word, he just cried and crawled into his mother's arms.

"Chengcheng, ask Miss Sister to bring back the shovel, go!"

But Chengcheng couldn't live and die, and in the end it was her mother who helped her get the shovel back.

Why is a little man so "afraid of being big"?

Case in-depth analysis
In life, we often see such a situation: children run amok at home and are not afraid of anyone, but they don't want to play with older children outside, and are even afraid of older children.Why is this?Of course, it is due to the child's personality and psychological problems.For example, there is fear or awe towards older children.

Some psychologists also believe that this is due to the influence of the "communication gap effect", that is, the communication between the younger child and the older child is not carried out from an equal perspective, which leads to what the older child says and does. , younger children do not understand.On the contrary, older children do not understand the games and words that children want to play.And some older children will have bad emotions, such as anxiety and anger, because they do not understand children.Small children will be afraid of older children.

In addition, there are some reasons why children are afraid of older children. The specific analysis is as follows.

(1) There is a psychology of "accepted".

When children play with each other, the older child is often in the role of "leader", "instructing" the younger children to do this or that, or asking them to accept their "ideas".For younger children, this is the psychology of "accepted".Some children can bear it, while others protest by "not playing with him".

(2) Lack of "confidence" or unpleasant experiences.

Many children are afraid of older children because they lack self-confidence when they are with older children.And if they have been bullied by older children, they will remember it and don't want to see the older children because of it.

psychologist advice
Psychologists believe that moderate "fear of bigness" is a normal psychological reaction of children, indicating that children's "size" awareness is growing, and parents should not be too anxious.

After the age of 3, the child is in a stable period of psychological development. If the "fear of bigness" is serious, it will have a great negative impact on the formation of the child's future personality.In other words, if your child is more than 3 years old and hides when he sees a child older than him, parents should carry out some psychological intervention at this time to guide the child out of the "communication gap effect".

How to do it?
(1) Give the child necessary explanations.

The most important manifestation of the influence of the "communication gap effect" is that children cannot understand the behavior of older children.At this time, parents should give their children some necessary explanations.For example, "My brother is drawing a big apple", "My sister is playing a game called 'hopscotch'", "These children are picking wild vegetables to feed the little rabbit", etc.Only by letting them understand what the older children are doing, they will not feel strange, and they can integrate into the ranks of "brothers and sisters".

(2) Guide children to express their thoughts.

After being bullied by older kids, many kids don't have the guts to speak their mind.At this time, parents should give necessary guidance and teach their children some communication skills.For example, tell the child: "You can tell your brother what you want to do", "You can give your sister your suggestion", etc.The key point for children to be timid is that they have not been well guided.

(3) Dilute the consciousness of "brother and sister".

Children affected by the "communication gap benefit" may also be psychologically scruples and reject older children.If this is the case, parents should downplay the awareness of "brother and sister".When in contact with children, don't let them know that "he is a brother" or "she is a sister".

Stone of Other Mountains
Mother's name: Tong Ni

Occupation: Factory Quality Inspection
Son's name: Huzi, 4 years old

The reason why I nicknamed my son "Tiger" was that I hoped that he would grow up to be a little man without fear of anything like a little tiger.But now Huzi is 4 years old, he is a little tiger at home, but outside, especially in front of some older children, he becomes a "kitten".In the words of the kindergarten teacher, Huzi's "fear of bigness" is very serious.

Once, when I went to pick him up from kindergarten, I saw this scene with my own eyes:
He wanted to play with the ball, but the ball was snatched away by an older child.The teacher encouraged him: "Go and play with my brother, okay?" The little boy also invited him: "Huzi, let's throw the ball together." But Huzi looked at him, but shook his head.

Seeing that the little girl next to her also had a ball in her hand, the teacher said, "Then you go and play with that young lady, okay?" Huzi still shook his head, and the teacher was also helpless.

I thought he was afraid of the little boy, but the teacher told me: "Huzi just doesn't want to play with older children, he only wants to play with friends who are younger than himself."

When I got home, I asked him, "Why don't you play with your brothers and sisters?"

He answered me: "Scared."

I asked him again: "What are you afraid of? Will your brothers and sisters bully you?"

"Yeah!" He nodded and stopped talking.

After realizing this problem, Huzi's father and I began to guide him consciously.When I go to the park, I will take him to play with some children.But every time he shook his head, but his eyes were always fixed on the children, with a look of "I don't know what they are doing".At this time, I will explain to him: "My brother and sister are playing house", "They are digging holes", "They are drawing little turtles on the ground", etc.

Of course, sometimes, my explanation is superfluous, the child knows what the big brothers and sisters are doing.However, I didn't stop "explaining" because of this.I also follow the teacher's advice. When meeting children, I generally don't emphasize "he is a little brother" or "she is a little sister", and directly encourage him to participate in it, and tell him when he is familiar with it.At this time, he didn't care who was older or who was younger.

It turns out that both methods are very effective.In less than a few months, Huzi's "fear of bigness" has been greatly relieved.When he met older children, he also began to actively ask to join them.

(End of this chapter)