Learn about child psychology every day 2: Before the age of 8, you can help your child acquire a goo

Chapter 14 The Family Has a Sensitive Child (4)
Why is Jiaojiao like this?In fact, this is an external manifestation of Jiaojiao's "suspicious" psychology. "Suspicious" sensitive children are often inexplicably suspicious of others.For example, suspecting that others are speaking ill of you, suspecting someone stealing your toys, suspecting that your parents steal delicious food, suspecting that the neighbor’s cat has taken your teddy bear...

Psychologists have found that 80% of children will experience a period of "suspiciousness" after the age of 3. The length of this period varies, some last for 6-12 months, some last longer, and even reach 5-6 months At the age of [-], there will be "suspiciousness and ghosts".

Why does this happen to children?This is related to the development of children's "psychological cognition".Children are in the process of cognition of the world from birth, and as time goes by, their cognition becomes more and more, that is, as the saying goes, children become more and more sensible.When a child is somewhere between "not sensible" and "sensible", the skeptical element takes over.Because the understanding of the things in front of them is ambiguous, children will naturally become suspicious when they use their existing cognition to explain.

So, in addition to the "psychological cognition" reasons, what other reasons are likely to cause children to be suspicious?
(1) Caused by excessive doting.

Parents who dote on their children will not only make them develop some bad habits, but also affect the development of their mental health, resulting in the emergence of stubborn, willful, and suspicious personalities.For example, some children have everything going well at home and are proud of being favored, but they are not treated the same outside. Naturally, it is difficult for them to bear the people and things that do not satisfy them in their interactions with others, so they have doubts about the people around them, and they are always worried that others will hurt them.

(2) The "neighbor steals the axe" effect.

Suspicion usually starts from a certain imaginary target, and finally returns to the imaginary target, just like a circle, which becomes thicker and rounder as it is drawn.For example, when a child begins to suspect that people around him are speaking ill of him, the more he listens carefully, the more he feels that his judgment is correct.This is the same connotation of the "neighbor stole the axe" story.In real life, the emergence and development of suspicion are almost all closely related to this closed thinking that dominates normal thinking.

(3) Diffusion of frustration effects.

Some children have experienced setbacks in relationships, such as whispering to a best friend, but the best friend tells others and makes a joke of it.After that, the child no longer trusts any other children.This is often the psychological source of "suspicion".

(4) Lack of communication and communication.

One of the important reasons why children think that others are talking bad about them is the lack of communication between children and others. For example, some parents are busy with work and rarely chat with their children, which will make children suspect that their mother does not love them.In the same way, children who lack communication with others will naturally misunderstand others.

psychologist advice
In the early childhood period, due to limited cognitive ability or the influence of parents' bad personality, children will develop "suspicious" type sensitivity.Children with this kind of mentality, in addition to always worrying about others saying bad things about her like Jiaojiao, also have the mentality of always thinking of the bad when they encounter things, such as worrying about their parents not wanting them, worrying about being late, worrying about teachers scolding them, and children isolating themselves, etc.Over time, Yi made his relationship with the people around him tense.

In addition, "suspicious" sensitive children will also have bad moods.Psychologists have found that when a child is in a state of "suspicion", the inner tension is often 5 to 10 times the normal level, and the tension will be more obvious in children after the age of 3, and even cry and shrink back. , fear, avoidance and other behaviors.It can be seen that if there is a "suspicious" sensitive child in the family, parents must pay more attention and guide them correctly, otherwise it will affect the healthy development of the child's psychology.

From what aspects should parents start to help their children stay away from the "suspicious" type of sensitivity?The following guided methods may be able to help you.

(1) "Equal communication" desensitization method.

Usually, parents and children should communicate more.When chatting with children, do not use imperative language, but use more soliciting or requesting language to communicate with children on an equal footing.For example, where to go on weekends, you can ask your children for their opinions.I believe that as time goes by, the child's suspicious situation will improve.

(2) Guided thinking method.

Suspicion is like stagnant water in a low-lying place. If it is not drained in time, it is likely to become stagnant and smelly water.Therefore, if there are "suspicious" sensitive children at home, parents can "drain water" by guiding thinking.For example, when a child suspects that a child doesn't like him, parents can guide the child in this way: "Why don't children like me?" "Why don't they want to play with me?" "When I do something, others will be very happy?" Help children learn to empathize and be tolerant of others.

(3) Friendship experience method.

If your child is suspicious because he has been hurt, you can use the "friendship experience method" to achieve the purpose of guidance, that is, parents can actively invite children of the same age to go out to play and visit together, so that children can experience the fun of mutual friendship among peers .Use this kind of positive psychological hint to dilute the negative effects of setbacks and let children understand that not all friends are liars.Over time, the child's suspicious psychology will change.

Stone of Other Mountains
Father's name: Wan Shi

Occupation: Network Engineer
Son's name: Nuonuo, 4 and a half years old
My son Nuonuo is 4 and a half years old, usually like a shy, suspicious little girl, very sensitive.As long as others say a word, he will suspect that they are talking bad about him.

I remember one time, several colleagues from the unit had a dinner together, and everyone brought their lovers and children to participate, and I also brought Nuonuo and his mother.

During the dinner, everyone was very happy and the atmosphere was very harmonious, and the children had a great time playing.But my Nuonuo hid behind my back and was unwilling to join in.

Nuonuo's mother and I both encouraged him to play with the children, but seeing him shaking his head all the time, we stopped pushing and went to chat on our own.

After a while, someone said, "Children nowadays are unwilling to socialize with others."After hearing this, Nuonuo burst into tears immediately.An older child, seeing Nuonuo crying, ran over and gave him a toy to play with.Not only did he not pick it up, but he also broke the toy...

This frightened the colleague's child, and he kept backing away.

"Xiaoqiang, did you hurt me? Hey, I'm so sorry!" I hurriedly apologized to my colleague's child.

"Is your child sensitive and suspicious?" A colleague asked me.

"Suspicious, such a young child?"

"Babies are also suspicious. You have to communicate with him on an equal footing, and discuss with him more when encountering things; suspicious children are more nervous, especially in unfamiliar environments. So, in the future, you will bring him to such occasions, Tell him some precautions in advance."

"Let's try it next time, it doesn't work!"

After that, when we take Nono out again, we will implement a "desensitization plan" in advance, tell him which uncles, aunts, and children he has, so that he can be mentally prepared.At first, Nuonuo was not used to it, and he even thought we were playing tricks suspiciously. After a few months, Nuonuo's suspicious psychology improved significantly. He has gradually become generous and cheerful, and he is less suspicious. .

Mother Nuonuo and I couldn't be happier!

6. Xiaoxiao is suspicious after being stimulated

——How to Help Stimulant and Suspicious Children
Xiaoxiao is 5 years old this year. She is a girl with good character and learning, and a cheerful personality. She is very attractive.But an incident that happened not long ago has stimulated Xiaoxiao, and she has been completely different from before.

The thing is like this: That day, the little mother found that the salary in the drawer was 50 yuan less, and she couldn't find it after searching several times.

How could the 50 yuan be missing?The mother thought to herself: "When I put the wages in the drawer, only Xiaoxiao was at home and no one else came in. Could it be Xiaoxiao..." Thinking of this, she interrogated Xiaoxiao.The daughter categorically denied it.In a fit of anger, the mother beat Xiao Xiao up, and scolded Xiao Xiao's "three hands" as "a house thief is hard to guard against".

At this time, Dad came back.

"Xiaoxiao is not short of pocket money, why would he steal it?" Dad felt something was wrong, so he went to look for it again, and soon found the 50 yuan.It turned out that the drawer was too full, and the 50 yuan was squeezed into the wardrobe below.

Since then, Xiao Xiao has become suspicious. Whenever he sees his mother, he feels flustered, like a thief bumping into the police, and wants to hide away.

Case in-depth analysis
Xiao Xiao, who was originally lively and cheerful, became silent and suspicious after being wronged by her mother, unwilling to associate with others, always suspecting that others would treat her as a thief.This small situation is a typical "stimulus" suspicious psychology.

Children with this kind of mentality behave differently: some cry, some are silent, some do not want to go home, and some do not want to go out.

Why do some children become suspicious after encountering stimuli?
In fact, the "stimulus type" paranoia mostly occurs in children with sensitive personalities. Usually, if they are also stimulated, sensitive children may remember these stimuli, while insensitive children will forget about them after the event.

3岁之前的孩子和3岁之后的孩子表现也不一样。3岁之前可能对这些刺激不够敏感，3岁之后却会异常敏感，因为3～4岁正是孩子的敏感期。

In addition to the child's own personality, "stimulus" suspiciousness is also affected by the following two factors.

(1) Face effect.

Everyone wants face, even children.When he is stimulated, he also feels ashamed.Some children will no longer want to see the person who stimulated him because of this, while some children will not want to see people who know him well, for fear that others will bring up the old story again and make him be stimulated again.When children are in such an atmosphere of avoidance and distrust, suspicion is inevitable.

(2) "associative memory" effect.

"Associative memory" means that when children are under some factors related to stimuli, they will unconsciously think of the stimuli they have received.These factors include places, surroundings, people, similar things, food, colors, sounds, toys, scenes...

psychologist advice
From the perspective of children's growth characteristics, children aged 3 to 4 do not yet know how to use positive emotions to influence themselves, and will only have simple reactions to "stimuli" according to their inner thoughts, such as confrontation, evasion, confusion, etc., and eventually Suspicious psychology arose.

Sensitive and suspicious are a kind of bad psychology, especially "stimulant" suspicious. "Stimulus" paranoia is a "psychological trauma sequelae".If the parents do not guide them as soon as possible, it will not only affect the child's mood, but also affect the child's character.

So, how should parents guide children when they have "stimulant" suspicious psychology?
(1) Borrow the same body effect.

The same body effect is a psychological term, which is also applicable to family education and parent-child relationship.That is, let the child feel that you are his "insider", so that the child will be more trustworthy and acceptable to the words of the "insider".For example, when a child develops "stimulant" suspicious psychology, parents should not blame, but should give the child sympathy and understanding, so as to guide the child to express his grievances, and help parents explain the child's suspicious things.

(2) On-the-spot verification method.

The best way to reassure yourself is to check the facts.If your child suspects that someone is speaking ill of her, parents may wish to ask him to go to the court for verification, so that the child can see if his suspicion is correct.The child may not dare to go because of timidity at the beginning, parents can take him to go together.When the child finds out that his doubts are wrong after seeking evidence, the suspicion will naturally disappear slowly.

(3) Appeal for justice for the child.

Stimulation and grievance are heart problems for children.A heart disease needs a heart medicine doctor, and a rope tie needs a person to untie it.In order to reduce children's suspicion, parents can seek justice by appealing for their children, explain what should be explained, and apologize for what should be apologized.Only by helping the child to untie this knot can the matter be resolved satisfactorily.

Stone of Other Mountains
Mother's name: Tong Meng

Occupation: Elementary school teacher

Daughter's name: Chengcheng, 4 and a half years old
Daughter Chengcheng was originally a cheerful little girl, but because of being "wronged" once, she became dull and introverted, unwilling to associate with others, and even often suspected that others were making fun of her.

It was an outdoor activity class that day, and the content of the activity was kicking the shuttlecock.The teacher put Chengcheng and Minmin into a group.The relationship between Chengcheng and Minmin has not been very good, and they often quarrel. The reason why the teacher put them in a group is to hope that they can "dissolve their suspicions" through activities and become good friends.

But unexpectedly, when everyone was having fun, Minmin's cry suddenly came.The teacher hurried over to check what happened, and found Minmin lying on the ground, looking very painful.

"Why did you fall down?" the teacher asked Minmin.

"It was Chengcheng who pushed me down." Minmin insisted that Chengcheng did it.

The teacher criticized Chengcheng and comforted Minmin.The wronged Chengcheng cried out, no longer willing to stay in the kindergarten, and clamoring to go home.

After getting the truth of the matter, I found Minmin again, hoping that she would admit that she had "wronged" Chengcheng, apologize and shake hands with Chengcheng.At first, she was very reluctant, but when I asked her for help, she said yes.

Finally, with our encouragement, Minmin apologized to Chengcheng and hugged Chengcheng in front of all the children.At that moment, I saw a long-lost smile on Chengcheng's face.

It is also because I helped Chengcheng seek justice that she is not as suspicious as before.A few days ago, the kindergarten teacher happily told me that Chengcheng and Minmin have become good friends, and they take the initiative to play together every day.

Seeing Chengcheng's change makes me so happy!
(End of this chapter)