Learn about child psychology every day 2: Before the age of 8, you can help your child acquire a goo

Chapter 17 Guiding the "King of Jealousy" in the Family (3)
"Why are you alienated from Xinxin?" Mom asked.

"I don't know!" Chaochao refused to say, but a look of disdain appeared on the corner of his mouth.

"What's the matter with you two?" Chaochao Mom asked Xinxin.

"I don't know!" Xinxin replied puzzled.

What is the reason?

By chance, Chaochao's mother discovered the reason. The host on TV congratulated a primary school student who was the first to wear a red scarf. He reached for the remote and changed channels impatiently.

"Is it because Xinxin was the first to wear the red scarf, and Chaochao didn't wear it because he was a little younger, so he became jealous?"

Later, her mother kept observing Chaochao, and she found that although Chaochao was alienated from Xinxin, she paid close attention to Xinxin's every move.Once, Xinxin was criticized by the teacher for being late, which made Chaochao happy all night.

Chaochao's mother felt very puzzled, how could such a young child be so jealous?

Case in-depth analysis
Two friends who used to have a close relationship, but because one of them wore a red scarf earlier, the other became jealous and said "what's so great about this", and they no longer want to answer each other.This is typical "sour grapes" jealousy.

Why do children have "sour grapes" jealousy?Of course, it is affected by the "sour grapes" effect. The "sour grapes" effect comes from the story of "the fox and the grapes" in Aesop's fables.The fox wanted to eat the grapes, but he couldn't get them because the grapes grew too tall, so he said the grapes were sour and tasteless.Psychologists introduce this example into psychology, which means that when someone fails to pursue a certain goal, in order to dilute his inner anxiety, he deliberately degrades the goal and says it is "not worth pursuing" in order to comfort himself. This phenomenon is called It is the "sour grapes" mechanism or "sour grapes" effect.And once a child shows "sour grapes", it means that the child's jealousy has begun to show.

In life, we can often see similar manifestations of the "sour grapes" effect: I really want to eat other people's snacks but say that those snacks are not delicious; I really want to play with other people's toys but say that the toy is not fun; Amusement parks are no fun at all...these are the outward manifestations of children's "sour grapes" jealousy.

The reason why children have "sour grapes" jealousy is that they already have some sense of contrast, and are aware of the crisis, and are afraid that others will surpass themselves.A child has had a sense of contrast since he was 4 months old. After 1 year old, a sense of crisis will arise, thus forming a jealousy.

Of course, in addition to the factors mentioned above, the formation of children's "sour grapes" jealousy also includes the following factors:

(1) Competitive.

Children with "sour grapes" jealousy are more competitive.For example, being frustrated in the competition will lead to his jealousy of the winners; his jealousy because his teacher praises others; his jealousy of his classmates with high family economic status because of his poor family.In short, when children find that they are not as good as others but are unable to change the status quo, they love to envy others and even slander others.

(2) The understanding is relatively shallow.

From the perspective of internal causes, the emergence of children's jealousy is closely related to children's shallow knowledge, narrow vision, and strong vanity.Some children are sensitive by nature. Once they find that they are not as good as others in some aspects, they will show a kind of fear and worry psychologically.Of course, what they think is not how to surpass others through legitimate means, but to slander and hurt the other party through negative means, hoping to see the other party regress.

(3) narrow-minded.

A broad-minded child can easily accept the gap between himself and others, and even take the initiative to praise and congratulate others.This is not the case for a narrow-minded child. Once he finds a gap between himself and others, he will not think about congratulating the other party, but will say "what's so great" sourly.It seems that after saying this, my heart will be more balanced.

psychologist advice
Children don't want others to be better than themselves, which is the exposure of "sour grapes". Children between the ages of 3 and 5 love to have this kind of jealousy.Children with this kind of mentality love to slander each other and make trouble for each other.Just like Chaochao in the case, after discovering that Xinxin put on the red scarf earlier than himself, he began to unilaterally ignore the other party.

From the perspective of children's growth characteristics, this is a normal psychological phenomenon, indicating that children have begun to clearly distinguish between "self" and "others", and have understood that "comparison" between self and others is possible.This is a sign that the child's mental development tends to mature.

However, this does not mean that the child's "sour grapes" psychology can be left alone.Parents need to give some guidance early and effectively to help their children develop their character.

How to guide it?Parents may wish to try the following methods:

(1) Actively guide.

To change children's "sour grapes" psychology, parents must first improve their own education methods.For example, don't always compare your child with other children.Otherwise, under the influence of the "humble effect", it is easy for children to feel inferior.When the child is at a disadvantage, guide the child to make progress through hard work, instead of hoping that the opponent will regress.It is impossible to tell your child that no matter how much you want the other party to regress.If you want to win the opponent, you have to work harder.

(2) Correct comparison method.

A considerable number of jealous children often have deviations when comparing themselves with others.For example, some parents like to compare their children's strengths with others' weaknesses, resulting in self-esteem;Neither of these approaches is correct.The correct method of comparison should be to compare objectively and realistically, soberly recognize one's own strengths and weaknesses, and learn from each other's strengths to make up for one's weaknesses.

(3) Empathy method.

When necessary, parents can talk to their children about this issue, let the children try to think differently, and ask the children: "If you were the child who was jealous, how would you feel uncomfortable and sad?" Don't think that the child can't think so profoundly. problem, your worries are completely unnecessary.

Stone of Other Mountains
Mother's Name: Tenneran
Occupation: Newspaper editor

Son's name: Ranran, 5 and a half years old
My son Ranran is in the top class of a kindergarten.

At the beginning of this semester, in order to mobilize the enthusiasm of the students in learning, the kindergarten teacher organized a pen writing competition.Whoever writes well, the teacher will stamp a little red flower on his homework.Whoever gets 1 small red flowers, whose work can participate in the whole class exhibition, and has a small prize.In order to get the little red flower, one must be strong and practice calligraphy every day.But many days have passed, but there is still not a single little red flower in his homework book.This made Ran Ran very disappointed.

One day after school, it was Ranran's turn to be on duty.When I saw those homework books that the teacher used as a model, I was very "angry", so I quietly tore off some homework books with small red flowers on them.And all this happened to be seen clearly by the teacher outside the window.

That night, the kindergarten teacher called me and informed me of Ranran's situation, saying that he was too jealous, and asked me to give her necessary guidance.

In order for Ranran to develop good psychological habits, his father and I began to "guide" him.First of all, I made an agreement with my family that I will not compare Ranran with other children in the future.If others have to compare, they must tell the advantages of Ranran.

Secondly, I found out where Ranran's interests lie.When he found out that he was very interested in disassembling small toys, he bought many toys from the market for him to disassemble.After a few days, Ranran assembled a small forklift as expected.Gradually, we found that Ranran paid more attention to the disassembly and assembly of small toys, and his attention to performance has declined.Of course, there is less contrast with classmates.

At the teacher's suggestion, I had another in-depth conversation with Ranran, guiding him to think from the perspective of a child whose homework was torn: "If your homework is torn, would you be willing?" Ranran thought for a while , shook his head.Now that he has realized his mistake, I will say no more.

In just two or three months, Ranran, who was once full of jealousy, has become a generous young man.

5. Duoduo always pretends to understand
——Children love to show off their abilities, how can parents guide them?

Duoduo is 4 years old this year. He works in kindergarten. He has a good relationship with Dodo next door. He always likes to do homework with him after school every day.At first, my mother thought it would be good for Duoduo to be with Dodo. After all, Dodo is older than him and can take care of him in everything. Duoduo can also ask Dodo for advice when he encounters any problems that he doesn't understand.But recently, my mother discovered a problem, Duoduo likes to pretend to understand.For one thing, Dodo was quite right, but Duoduo insisted on distorting his meaning and giving his own seemingly reasonable explanation.

Could it be that Duoduo has a rich imagination?

But after a period of observation, my mother felt that things were not as simple as imagined.

I remember one time, Duoduo's homework was to draw a river and color it with crayons.This homework is not difficult. There are many colors that can be painted on the river: yellow, green, blue... Duoduo suggested to paint more yellow, saying that this is the color of the Yellow River.Don't do a lot, choose for a long time, and pick a purple crayon.

"Duoduo, why did you paint it purple? Have you ever seen a purple river?" Dodo asked strangely.

Duoduo ignored Duoduo's question, kept painting on it, thought for a while and said, "This is the river in Xinjiang, isn't Xinjiang purple?"

"Is Xinjiang purple?" Duo Duo was even more surprised, and said, "My mother said that there are many deserts in Xinjiang, so they should be yellow."

"No, Xinjiang is purple, and the desert in Xinjiang is also purple." Duoduo began to argue, "The grapes in Xinjiang are all purple, how can the desert be yellow?"

"Then do you know what a desert is?" Dodo continued to ask.

"Desert...a desert is something that grinds sand, a bit like a machine that grinds soybean milk. Last time, my dad took me to the supermarket to see it. You must have never seen it before?" Duoduo replied after thinking about it.

"Hahaha, you can do whatever you want." Dodo didn't want to argue any longer, and began to immerse herself in drawing her own picture.

Hearing this, Duoduo's mother felt incredible.In fact, there are many things that Duoduo doesn't know, but just like today, he just refused to admit that he didn't know, instead of giving an explanation, and finally made a joke.There are more and more jokes like this.Duoduo's mother began to worry, this child always likes to pretend to understand, what should I do?
Case in-depth analysis
Facing things that I don't understand, I always pretend to understand and give "answers" plausibly.On the surface, this is a manifestation of the child's rich imagination, but in fact, it is the child's ability to show off.

Children love to show off, around 2 years old, the phenomenon of showing off starts to appear, reaches the peak at 3 to 5 years old, and then it will gradually decrease.Compared with girls, boys have a more serious mentality of bragging.

How do children show off their abilities?Usually, the pushy kid is the one who says "Let me do it"!In addition, it will be manifested as: he will climb the tree that others dare not climb, he will rush to the place that others dare not go, he will rush to eat the food that others say is spicy... In short, other children dare not do anything , The child who shows off his ability will rush to do something to show that he is "better" than other children.

Many parents are very happy when their families have brave children.Because in their view, this is a child's self-confidence.But psychologists believe that children's love of showing off is an external manifestation of children's jealousy.

So, why do children love to show off their abilities?Mainly due to the following reasons:

(1) Improper parenting methods.

Many times, children are afraid to try some things.In order to encourage their children to do it, parents will use the "provocative method" and say something to stimulate their children.For example, "You are a man, then do it", "You are so stupid, you must not be able to do it well", "You are a coward, you must not dare"... When a child fights for self-esteem, he is actually showing off.Over time, it becomes a habit.

(2) Strong desire for performance.

(End of this chapter)