Learn about child psychology every day 2: Before the age of 8, you can help your child acquire a goo

Chapter 18 Guiding the "King of Jealousy" in the Family (4)
Love to show off is also related to children's strong desire to express themselves.For example, some children like to express themselves in front of children or others, so as to attract the attention of others.Compared with children who don't like to express themselves, these children seem to love to show off.Whether you see something new or learn something new, you can't wait to let others know about it.For example, after learning a nursery rhyme in kindergarten, I like to sing it in front of my parents when I get home, hoping to get their attention or comment, recognition, and appreciation.Of course, he will also be criticized by his parents for his ability to climb trees and tear his clothes.

(3) inferiority complex.

Children's love of showing off is also related to inferiority complex.In order to prove that they can do it, children with low self-esteem usually show off in front of others.For example, a child has no guts, but he wants to bet with others, bite the bullet and go to the darkest corner; he dares not eat garlic, but he has to bite the bullet and eat it.To some extent, nine out of ten children who like to show off have a certain inferiority complex.

psychologist advice
A child loves to show off, which means that he has realized the gap between himself and others.Appropriately possessing some mentality of performance can satisfy the child's desire for performance, but too much performance also brings some potential dangers to children, especially children around 5 years old.Because children of this age have poor discrimination ability, they don't know what behaviors are dangerous and what behaviors are safe.

In addition, children love to show off too much, which is not conducive to the formation of a good personality.Therefore, parents should attach great importance to it and give guidance as early as possible.Specific methods can learn from the following points:

(1) Use the incentive effect.

When children love to show off, parents can skillfully use the incentive effect to guide children to express themselves correctly.For example, when a child encounters difficulties in doing homework, he can be encouraged like this: "Son, Dad knows you can do it!" "Baby, you are a smart child, you can definitely do this topic." "Trust me, you Sure."

(2) The law of bearing consequences.

If the child refuses to listen to the persuasion and insists on acting bravely, which results in bad consequences, for example, if the parents do not let him use the phone, but he insists on messing around and breaking the phone, the parents can ask the child to use his own pocket money to repair the phone , or ask the child to record the mistakes he made due to his ability, and if he has made more than ten mistakes, he will be prohibited from watching cartoons for a week.

(3) Teaching and solving puzzles.

Some children show off their abilities because they don't understand certain aspects, and they pretend to understand just to "compare" their friends.At this time, parents can give him "confusion".For example, Duoduo in the case did not understand why the river in "Xinjiang" should not be purple, and what is a "desert". Parents can explain to the child to understand where he is wrong.

Stone of Other Mountains
Father's name: Cheng Xiaofei
Occupation: driver

Son's name: Niu Niu, 4 and a half years old
My son Niu Niu is over 4 years old this year.But he has one bad thing, that is, he likes to show off his abilities, and he often pretends to understand when he doesn't know.

One day, our family was watching TV.It was winter, and a mountain appeared on TV, covered with snow.Niu Niu asked me, "Dad, why is that snow piled up like a mountain?"

I smiled and replied: "Son, no, there was originally a mountain there, but the snow buried it. The snow on the mountain is as thick as the snow on the road."

"No, the snow on the mountain must be thicker than that on the road. You can see how high it is piled up. Don't you often say that the Red Army climbed snow-capped mountains? How can there be mountains without snow?" Niu Niu said seriously.

"Snow mountains refer to mountains with snow, not mountains made of snow..." I tried my best to explain.

"No, Dad, you are wrong, no..." As he spoke, Niu Niu burst into tears.I knew that he was pretending to understand when he didn't understand, but I exposed him and cried because he couldn't bear it.

At that time, I didn't say much, thinking that one day I will let your seeing be believing.

After about a week, it snowed heavily and the snow was very thick.The mountains in the suburbs have been covered with snow.

"This is a good opportunity. I want to show Niu Niu what a snow mountain is." Immediately, I woke up my son, put on the snow chains and drove to the suburbs.

"Son, look, is that a snow mountain?" I pointed to a mountain and asked Niu Niu.

"Yes, Dad, that is a snow mountain. There is a lot of snow on it, and I can build a snowman there." Niu Niu was very excited.

"Then do you think the snow there is so thick that it has piled up into snow mountains?" I slowly lured Niu Niu into the "trap" he set up.

"Yes, maybe it's colder there, or... there's a hole in the sky, so the snow falls from it." Niu Niu still pretended to understand.

I smiled and didn't speak.When I got to the foot of the mountain, I gave Niu Niu a small stick and asked him to scrape away the snow to see what was underneath.

There is no doubt that the bottom is dirt, not snow as Niu Niu thinks.

"Dad, why is this dirt, not snow?" Niu Niu was surprised by his discovery.

"Snow mountain, there is snow on the mountain, not made of snow."

Suddenly, Niu Niu understood why I brought him here, smiled at me, climbed into the car and said to me, "Dad, let's go home."

After experiencing this incident, Niu Niu’s bad habit of pretending to understand has changed significantly. When encountering things that he does not understand, he will no longer rely on subjective assumptions, but will take the initiative to ask me or his mother for advice. significantly weakened.

6. Always strive for "first" in everything

——How to deal with competitive children
Rourou is a 5-year-old girl who is already in the top class of the kindergarten. She has a quick temper and likes to be competitive.

Rourou likes to compete with children the most, such as who is the first to arrive at the kindergarten, who is the first to take out the books, who is the first to get the big red flower from the teacher, who is the first to finish eating...even if the clothes are brightly colored For such a small matter, we have to fight for "first and second".

If Rourou wins, she will smile; if she loses, she will be unhappy and often cry.

As soon as she got home one night, she urged her mother to make dinner.Mom thought she was hungry, so she made her a bowl of noodles.Unexpectedly, she climbed into bed to sleep after eating, and asked her mother to help her remember the time to go to bed.

Rourou's mother felt very strange, what is the child doing?

The next day, when I sent Rourou to kindergarten, I found out that Rourou was competing with her best friend who would go to bed first.Just because her good friend in the kindergarten said that she had to go to bed earlier at night, Rourou wanted to go to bed earlier than her.

At first, Rourou just competed with her kindergarten friends, but now she has started competing with her family.Compete with dad who can finish eating first, compete with mom who can run home first, and compete with siblings who can win the first game of chess.If you get "first", you will be happy, but if you lose, you will cry and make a fuss.

Slowly, my mother discovered that Rou Rou's good friend in the kindergarten also began to change, from loving the other party to being wary of the other party surpassing herself in everything, and unwilling to share good things with the other party.

Mom finally realized something was wrong.

Why does Rourou like "fighting for the first place" so much and is so competitive?

Case in-depth analysis
Wanting to be the first in everything is a manifestation of being competitive.Around us, it is not uncommon for children to "compete".Just like Rourou in the case, she always wants to rank herself in everything, who is the first and who is the second, even when playing games and playing house, she will use the way of "father", "mother" and "child" to determine Who has the highest status and the greatest power.These are all external manifestations of children's competitiveness.

Competitiveness is a child's nature, and it generally starts to show after the age of 2.Some children compete for the first place in their studies, while others show their talents in activities and in competition for cadres.

So why are children so competitive?

(1) "Lack of attention" effect.

Every child hopes to get more attention, and hopes to gain self-identity and satisfaction from the attention of adults.If this kind of attention is lacking, the child's self-identity will be affected, the heart will not be satisfied, and even a low self-esteem will result from this.In order to regain the recognition of adults, children will demand themselves with the "first" and "best" standards.

(2) The self-worth system has not yet been established.

Children around the age of 4 gradually strengthen their self-awareness, which is the best time to cultivate self-discipline awareness. Children need to learn to recognize themselves and recognize their self-worth.However, some children have not fully established their self-worth system during this period. If their self-worth is not recognized by others, they will think that they are "bad", "not good" and "not good".It is precisely because of this that they are so competitive and want to affirm their self-worth by "winning".

(3) The influence of negation effect.

"You are not as good as Min Min next door", "You are not as fast as Tong Tong when you eat", "Your homework is not as good as just now"... In daily life, many parents will point out the shortcomings of their children in a negative way in order to motivate their children to make progress. insufficient.As everyone knows, this method is very easy to make children jealous.

psychologist advice
If there are competitive children in the family, many parents will think that the children are self-motivated and don't need to care too much.Is this really true?Psychologists believe that children are too competitive, which is actually one of the manifestations of weak resistance to blows.

Some children are eager to win, and when they have conflicts with others, they will have the idea that they must overwhelm the other party, so they will not hesitate to use aggressive methods, causing him to hurt or self-injury, resulting in serious consequences.It can be seen that it is normal to be moderately competitive, but if you are too competitive, you need more attention and guidance from your parents.

Five or six years old is a critical period for children to shape their character. At this time, how should parents actively guide their competitive children?Psychologists believe that parents can refer to the following methods:
(1) Care more about children.

In life, parents should always care for their children, such as asking "Are you happy in kindergarten", "What fun things are there", "How do children treat you", "What do you think", "What do you want" and so on.In fact, children don't really need anything, they just hope that their parents can pay attention to themselves.

(2) Competition Law.

Parents can often have a meal or wake-up competition with their children. After the game, they should tell their children that No.2 is as good as No.1, and reward No.1 and No.2 at the same time.In this way, the children who did not get No.1 will be equally happy, so as to avoid the children from having too much frustration.

(3) Exercise more.

If you have time, parents can take their children to swim and play ball.Sports can satisfy his desire to win, and it is the best way to cultivate character.But it should be noted that if the child encounters difficulties in sports, such as running, the parents should not only encourage them, but also give appropriate guidance, such as how to run fast so that they can persist until the end.Only in this way can competitiveness truly become the driving force for children to move forward.

Stone of Other Mountains
Father's name: Ming Chang

Occupation: business owner
Son's name: Xiao Xiao, 6 years old

The son Xiao Xiao is 6 years old this year and is in the first grade of elementary school.He is very competitive and likes to compare himself with others in everything. He will get angry, lose his temper, and cry when he is slightly dissatisfied.

In that exam, he was only one point lower than No.1 (his deskmate), but he was unhappy for a whole month.At that time, his mother and I comforted him: "It's fine to prepare better next time, it's okay." But Xiao Xiao didn't listen, and after returning home, he copied the questions he had done wrong in his homework book repeatedly, and ten times failed. A hundred times will not work, and finally I copied it a full three hundred times before giving up.

"It's definitely not going to work like this. But how can I guide Xiao Xiao?" For this reason, I specifically communicated with Xiao Xiao's teacher.

"The most important thing to do now is to care more about the child, because the reason why Xiao Xiao is competitive is probably related to how little you care about him. Of course, in addition to paying attention, you must also guide him to look down on the 'ranking' and 'awards' competitions '. Tell the children that life can't be everything you want, and it's impossible for everything to go your way, as long as you try your best."

Later, I did as the teacher asked.The effect was not particularly ideal at first, but I did not give up and kept doing it.

One day three months later, Xiao Xiao got No.3 in the exam.But he didn't look too sad when he got home, he just asked me to help explain the questions he got wrong.

"Xiao Xiao, you got No.3 in the exam today, are you very unhappy?" I asked tentatively.

"No, Dad, don't you always tell me that the grades are not unique? If I made a mistake this time, it's fine if I don't make any mistakes next time, right?" Xiao Xiao said confidently.

"Yes, yes, yes, Xiao Xiao is right." Hearing what he said, I was very happy.

"Dad is right, I'm just repeating what you said!" Xiao Xiao "corrected" my words.

Obviously, Xiao Xiao's overly competitive mentality has been corrected, and now he can calmly face his own success or failure.

(End of this chapter)