Learn about child psychology every day 2: Before the age of 8, you can help your child acquire a goo

Chapter 19 My child doesn't fit in! (1)
Not every child is lively and cheerful. Around us, we can always see some lonely and unsocial children.They are not unwilling to interact with children, but often because they do not know how to interact with them, or because they have some psychological barriers and misunderstandings in the process of interaction, such as autism, bullying, love to make trouble, and easy conflicts with others.In this case, timely guidance from parents is essential.

baby isolation test

It is not objective and correct to judge whether a child is withdrawn and out of gregariousness solely from the point of whether he is willing to socialize with children. The key depends on whether he can socialize well.For example, a child who likes to make trouble, although he is also interacting with children, it cannot be said that he does not have the possibility of being withdrawn.If you want to know whether your child is withdrawn or unsocial, you need more three-dimensional observation and testing.

1. Does your child often have more than 3 friends?

A. More than B. Not enough
2. When with the child, does he talk a lot?
A. yes B. no
3. Does your child have the phenomenon of "two people outside the family"?
A. No B. Yes
4. Does your child like to play alone?

A. No B. Yes
5. When meeting children on the road, will your child take the initiative to say hello to them?
A. yes B. no
6. Are your children prone to quarrel and fight with others?

A. No B. Yes
7. When playing with children, is there any phenomenon of "bullying the soft and fearing the hard"?

A. No B. Yes
8. When seeing other children playing, does your child often make trouble?
A. No B. Yes
Now, please count your options and test results:

"Super withdrawn" children: In the test answers, if option A only appears 0-2 times, it means that your child's withdrawn psychology is already serious.Maybe you didn't pay attention to this because you were busy with work, but the fact is right in front of you.If guidance is not given in time, it may lead to more serious situations and affect the child's future communication.

"Ordinary withdrawn" children: In the test answers, if option A appears 3 to 5 times, it means that your child has a certain withdrawn mentality, but the problem is not too serious.If it can be guided in time, the situation will get better soon.

"Non-eccentric" children: In the test answers, if option A appears 6-8 times, it means that your child is not lonely. He is a cheerful child. Even if he has few friends and is not good at words, As long as parents take their children out to see the world more and let them communicate more with children, the situation will gradually change.

1. Dandan who loves to squat in the corner

——The child is out of gregariousness, how can parents help her
Dandan is a beautiful little girl who works in kindergarten.

Every day after school, my mother would ask Dandan how he was doing in the kindergarten and whether he played toys and games with the children.However, after listening to Dandan, she was always unwilling to answer.At first, my mother thought she was just having conflicts with the children, so she didn't take it to heart.But after a while, my mother began to doubt, could it be that Dandan had conflicts with the children every day?
In the evening, my mother called the kindergarten teacher.The teacher said that Dandan didn't play with the children at all in the kindergarten, but just squatted in the corner and watched.She also laughs when other people play games, but she just doesn't participate in it...

Why is Dandan doing this?
The next day, my mother went to the kindergarten to see what happened.Sure enough, as the teacher said.

At that time, the children in the middle class were playing house together, and the atmosphere was quite lively.But Dandan sat in the corner and watched alone. Although the children repeatedly invited her, she refused to participate.

"What is the reason?" Mom asked the teacher.

"Actually, it's nothing. Dandan is just a little withdrawn and not very social." The teacher replied with a sigh.

Case in-depth analysis
As Dandan's teacher said, there is nothing wrong with Dandan, it's just that he is a bit withdrawn and doesn't fit in well with others.

What is being out of gregarious?From a psychological point of view, this is a withdrawal behavior.Children who don't fit in are withdrawn and have poor social communication skills. After a long time, they feel incompetent and gradually become inferior and aggressive.

Around us, there are many children who are lonely and not gregarious.According to the survey results, 90% of withdrawn people are unwilling to communicate with others. The reason for this is that their parents "don't care about them".The child doesn't know that he has a "dissociative personality" problem at all, and he doesn't know how to interact with his partners.Nor do these children "open up" their interpersonal relationships until they grow into adults.

Children who do not fit in gregariously behave differently. Before the age of 3, the most typical performance is that they do not want others to touch themselves, take their own toys, eat their own food, etc. After the age of 3, the behaviors include: love to squat in the corner, do not talk when going out, like to play alone, do not want to participate in group activities, do not want to greet others, love to make trouble, easily conflict with others, etc.

Why do children have withdrawn personalities?
Psychological experts believe that the reason why a child is withdrawn is because he is easily influenced by some environmental factors.For example the following points:
(1) The effect of adverse environment.

In modern cities, children live in closed environments and lack playmates, while parents are often busy with work, and neighbors seldom interact with each other... Every day, children are accompanied by either grandparents or a bunch of cold toys.Over time, the child will not like to talk, is unwilling to communicate with others, and even has a withdrawn personality.

(2) Improper parenting methods.

Parents don’t want their children to suffer. For example, when he has a conflict with a child, the parents will tell the child what to do so that he will not suffer, don’t associate with any kind of child he meets, learn to protect his toys, snacks, etc. .The starting point of parents is to help children stay away from danger, but they don't know that this will also make children withdrawn and do not like to socialize with others.

(3) The influence of "rebuke effect".

In the process of communication between children and children, some small "disputes" often occur.For example, breaking a child's toy, hurting each other, stealing snacks, soiling clothes, etc.In such a situation, the parents are likely to reprimand the child and order the child not to do this again next time.In fact, after children are reprimanded, they will have a fear of interpersonal communication, and they don't know how to communicate with children.Over time, it becomes out of gregarious.

psychologist advice
Infancy is a critical period for the formation of a child's personality.If parents find that their children are withdrawn and out of gregarious, they must pay more attention, because this is a kind of bad psychology and behavior.

If your child has already appeared withdrawn and withdrawn, you should pay attention.The best way is to guide children to places with many people, such as taking children to visit relatives and friends, so that children can experience the pleasure of interacting with others.You can also create some conditions for your children to play with their partners, such as inviting children to be guests at home, and taking the children to entertain them warmly, and encouraging them to take out candies and toys to share with their partners.

Of course, in addition to the above two methods, some tricks may be needed:
(1) Cultivate children's sense of cooperation.

The reason why many children don't fit in is that they don't know how to cooperate with others.At this time, parents can play games, such as letting children play more games that require multiple people to complete, such as throwing sandbags and passing the ball.Encourage your child to cooperate with others to complete the game.Not only can it increase his chances of interacting with others, but also let the child understand the truth that there are more people and more power.

(2) Cultivation of generous consciousness.

If you think that the reason for your child's loneliness is that he is affected by the "consciousness of suffering", you can correct it by cultivating your child's sense of generosity.For example, if you have new toys, books, or food, you can ask your children to ask their companions to enjoy them first.When a child quarrels with a partner, teach the child to understand others and not just favor him.

(3) Cultivate the spirit of unity and cooperation.

For children who love to make trouble, show off their abilities, and cause trouble, parents should educate them to be strict with themselves, be lenient to others, trust each other, and respect each other.If they have behaviors of "disunity" and "non-cooperation", parents should correct them appropriately.Slowly, the child will integrate into the group.

(4) Teach children some social skills.

Some children don't know how to relate to others.At this time, parents should specially arrange an environment for them to communicate, and teach him how to communicate with other children.For example, what kind of actions to use to participate in activities, what to say when interacting with children, etc.Don't put it aside just because he "can't" or "doesn't understand".

Stone of Other Mountains
Mother's name: Cheng Yun

Occupation: Store salesperson
Daughter's name: Tiantian, 4 years old

Daughter Tiantian is an introverted little girl who doesn't like to talk.She likes to draw, and often draws quietly by herself without talking to others.

At first we thought all little girls were like this, so we didn't pay attention, and even showed off to my friends that I gave birth to a little lady.But gradually I realized that something was wrong.Tian Tian's reticence is not a manifestation of "little lady", but her personality is relatively withdrawn and out of gregarious.The reason for this discovery stems from an "expert meeting".

Before the "expert meeting" started, the children in the kindergarten were playing to their heart's content.Because of the company of their parents, they had a lot of fun.I was also busy chatting with the children's parents, while Tian Tian was playing with building blocks.Several children wanted to play with her, but she refused them all.Later, a little boy insisted on playing with her, and Tiantian burst into tears.

This scene happened to be seen by child experts.The child expert observed Tiantian for a while, and told me: "Your Tiantian is not shy, but rather out of gregarious and withdrawn."

"How could this be?" I was surprised by the expert's conclusion.But after that, I started to help children with the advice of experts, such as assigning tasks to children.

I asked Tiantian to collect the paintings finished by the children and take them home for me to see.Then I pointed out to her what is good and what is not.Of course, if Tiantian wants to collect these paintings, she must obtain the consent of the children. In this way, she will have more opportunities to communicate with the children.Later, I asked her to draw a picture with the children and let her cooperate with the children.

At first, Tiantian was reluctant to do it, but with the encouragement of me and the teacher, she finally started to act.Now, Tiantian, who was once lonely, can get along with her little friends.I saw my lively and cheerful daughter.

2. Don't talk when you go out
-Warning for children with selective mutism
Hu Zi is very strong, and although he is only 5 years old, he is very sensible. He often reminds his mother to wash the vegetables before cooking, and often asks his father not to smoke at home and to turn off the power after watching the TV.

My mother is very pleased to have such a "capable" and "sensible" child.

It's a pity that Huzi is like a little adult at home, but when he goes out, he is a completely different person.Whether eating in kindergarten or playing with children in the park, he behaves completely differently from the "little adults" at home.He would rather be alone than play with children, quite withdrawn and out of gregarious.

I remember one time, when his mother took him to his aunt's house to play, he asked Huzi before going out, "What should you say when you see your aunt and uncle?"

"Say hello to them, say hello to auntie and uncle, and say hello to little brother when you see him, and play with him. Don't snatch his toys..." Hu Zi blurted out without thinking.

"Yes, Hu Zi is really good."

I arrived at my aunt's house.As soon as the door was opened, the aunt and uncle said to Huzi, "Hello Huzi, come in quickly."

"Huzi, what should you tell auntie and uncle? I asked you before I came here. You answered it well, remember?" Mom asked Huzi.

Hu Zi said nothing, lowered his head, his little face flushed red.Mom asked again and again, but Huzi still didn't say a word, and finally burst into tears.

"Oh, that's fine, don't embarrass Huzi, come in quickly." Aunt Huzi couldn't see it anymore, and took the initiative to rescue Huzi.

"Hey, this child has become a big girl as soon as she goes out, and she answers shyly." The mother was very helpless.

Why does the tiger do this?
Case in-depth analysis
Huzi likes to talk at home, and he speaks very well, but he doesn't say anything when he goes out. He likes to nod or shake his head to express "agree" or "disagree".On the surface, this is a shy and introverted child, but in fact, this is a typical manifestation of "selective mutism in children".

"Children's selective mutism" refers to a certain behavior caused by the influence of mental and psychological factors in children who have acquired language ability.From a psychological point of view, this is a psychological disorder that occurs more frequently in children aged 3 to 5, and is more common in girls.

Children with this kind of psychological disorder often show that they speak on certain occasions, but do not speak on another occasion. They like to express their opinions by gesturing, nodding, shaking their heads, etc., or using "yes" and "no". Answer the question with the simplest words such as "yes" and "don't".After learning to write, I occasionally use writing to express my opinions.

Some children only talk to their family members and don’t talk to strangers; some children are just the opposite, they don’t talk at home but talk in kindergarten, don’t talk to their parents but talk to strangers...

Why are some children affected by "selective mutism in children"?There are several reasons:
(1) The influence of personality.

Many parents also attribute the cause of "children's selective mutism" to the fact that the child is timid and not generous enough.In fact, "selective mutism in children" is also related to other personalities, such as sensitive, timid, shy, withdrawn, vulnerable, and dependent.If children are affected by these personality traits, they are also prone to "selective mutism in children".

(2) Negative environmental effects.

When a child arrives in an unfamiliar environment or meets a stranger, he is prone to nervousness.Especially when his parents ask him to "greeting", "obedient" and "be polite", this kind of nervousness will increase, and even because of the parents' order "don't cry", he dare not vent and is depressed in his heart.Over time, he became withdrawn and less talkative.

(3) Have experienced emotional setbacks.

The reason why some children have "selective mutism in children" may be because of some bad emotional experiences in their early years, such as parents often quarreling or being separated or divorced.These reasons may stimulate children's psychology and make them withdrawn and not talkative.

psychologist advice
Around us, there are many children suffering from "selective mutism in children".If you take such children to the hospital for examination, you will find that their vocal organs and auditory organs have no organic damage, and their intellectual development is also normal.Therefore, this disease is not a physical disease, but a psychological disorder.

Due to the complex causes of selective mutism, parents cannot take simple and rude methods to their children, such as taking the child to crowded places and forcing him to say hello to people.This will further aggravate the child's tension, and even appear "rebellious psychology".

So, when a child has "selective mutism in children", what aspects should parents guide to be correct and effective?Psychologists offer the following suggestions:
(1) caress effect.

(End of this chapter)