Learn about child psychology every day 2: Before the age of 8, you can help your child acquire a goo

Chapter 20 My child doesn't fit in! (2)
Psychologists tell us that physical touch can relieve children's psychological tension.Therefore, in life, especially when taking the child to a strange place, parents can consciously pull the child's hand and touch the head, so that the child can feel more secure and less nervous, which is conducive to helping the child correct "Selective Mutism in Children".

(2) Communicate with children more.

It is best for parents to set aside a certain amount of time every day to talk to their children and allow them not to speak.Of course, if he is willing to communicate, he should not be restricted.This allows the child to practice socializing in a relatively stress-free atmosphere.

(3) Incentive effect.

Parents should stimulate children's desire to actively express themselves, so that children can feel that their abilities are appreciated by others, and enhance their self-confidence and ability to express themselves.For example, parents can take their children to places where children gather to play on weekends, and encourage children to actively communicate with strangers.If the child behaves well, give the child a prize.

Stone of Other Mountains
Father's name: Chen Peng

Occupation: Sales Executive

Son's name: Zuo Zuo, 5 years old

My son Zuo Zuo is lively and lovely at home, but he doesn't like to talk when he goes out.Even going to grandparents and grandparents in the country can be boring.The neighbor's children came to play with Zuo Zuo, but Zuo Zuo didn't speak.This makes those children puzzled, why is Zuo Zuo like this?
In the face of their questions, I always explain with reasons such as "he may be in a bad mood" or "he is tired".But once or twice is fine, and the number of times is too many, even I myself don't believe these reasons.

What should I do?

Under the guidance of a colleague, I realized that the most effective way to change the child's withdrawn and unsocial character is to take the child out more, let the child communicate with others more, and relieve the child's psychological stress through caressing. tension.

Is this not easy?
After that, when I worked overtime every weekend, I would take Zuo Zuo with me.I also take him with me when I chat with customers.While stroking his head with his hand, he introduced him to others.Some customers will take the initiative to talk to him when they see him.At first, he was always coy, but then he became much more generous.Once, when I introduced a product to a customer, I said the wrong price, and he took the initiative to correct it for me. He was praised by the customer, and Zuo Zuo was very happy, and talked more when he returned home.

I am very happy to see the change in him.Later, I taught him how to take the initiative to speak to customers.If I meet a customer with a child, I also encourage him to take the initiative to say "Hello" to the child. If he is not willing, I will not force him.Sure enough, after I took him to work for three months, he has become very cheerful and has become a pistachio in the mall.

3. Mingxuan likes to play alone

——What should I do if the child is withdrawn?
Mingxuan is a very well-behaved child, very likable, and the neighbors in the neighborhood like to tease him when they have nothing to do.Ke Mingxuan always likes to play alone, he is unwilling to play games with children, and he is unwilling to share his toys and snacks.This is true whether in the park or at home.

I remember one time, a colleague of Mingxuan's mother brought her 4-year-old child Duoduo to visit her home.Mom thought Mingxuan would be very happy to see Duoduo, but when Duoduo came in to greet him, he didn't even look at Duoduo.Under the urging of his mother, Mingxuan reluctantly took Duoduo's hand.However, he soon hid in his own small room alone and never came out again.

"This kid, really, doesn't know how to be polite at all." Mom quickly apologized, "Mingxuan, hurry up and play with Duoduo, take out all your toys by the way, and play together, okay?"

"Not good." Mingxuan said loudly in the room.

"why?"

"It's not good, it's not good, I don't want to play with others."

"Then you take out the toy and let it play a little bit more, okay?" Mingxuan's mother continued to ask.

"No." From Mingxuan's voice, he was a little impatient.

"My child, why is this? I'll go get some toys." Mingxuan's mother went in to get them after she finished speaking.

Now Mingxuan quit. He snatched back the toy from his mother and burst into tears.

After a lot of coaxing, Mingxuan finally stopped crying and played with his building blocks in the corner of the living room by himself.Duoduo wanted to play together, but he just didn't want to, and even waved his little hands to hit someone in a hurry.

Duoduo clamored to go home.Duoduo's mother didn't stay long after seeing her, so she took Duoduo home.

"Hey, why is this child so selfish?" Mom was helpless.

Is Mingxuan really selfish?

Case in-depth analysis
Mingxuan didn't want to touch his toys more, and he didn't want to play with him, even in his own home, he didn't look like a "little master" at all.His behavior has gone beyond the category of "selfishness", but an external manifestation of his withdrawn character.

From a psychological point of view, withdrawn personality is a kind of psychological deviation.It mainly refers to a psychological state that cannot maintain normal relationships with others and often lives alone.

Children with withdrawn personality are generally introverted. Apart from taciturnity and bland expression, the most important manifestation is that they like to close their hearts, often walk alone, do not want to contact with others, treat people indifferently, and often treat people around them indifferently. An attitude of boredom, contempt, or defensiveness.

So, what factors are affected by the child's withdrawn personality?In addition to genetic factors, there are also some external factors.

(1) Strange environment effect.

This not only refers to going to a strange place, but also includes meeting strange people and encountering strange things, such as parents who work outside suddenly bringing their children to the city, a stranger who lives in the house suddenly, starting kindergarten, etc. .For children, these are all unfamiliar environments.If parents do not take their children to familiarize themselves with these environments in time, it is easy for children to become withdrawn and out of gregarious.

(2) Lack of positive evaluation.

Many parents like to criticize and deny their children at will, and even accuse and reprimand their children in front of many people.On the surface, the child will not be affected. In fact, the child may lose self-esteem and self-confidence because of this. He will feel that he is stupid and behaves badly. On the sidelines, he didn't dare to make a sound, feeling depressed.Over time, these children will develop an inferiority complex and withdrawn character.

(3) Improper parenting methods.

Many parents are unwilling to let their children do things, even the simplest tasks of serving bowls and sweeping the floor. Children can only watch from the sidelines.After this "non-participation" state lasts for a period of time, the child will form a fixed thinking mode: when others do things, he can only watch and cannot participate in it.Obviously, this is also one of the reasons that lead to the child's withdrawn personality.

psychologist advice
With the seriousness of the only child phenomenon and the isolation of the living environment, there are more and more lonely children.Relevant statistics show that nearly 30 to 50 children in my country currently have the problem of withdrawn personality.The prevalence rate of children with autism has risen from 1993/4 in 10 to [-]/[-] at present, and the growth rate is very fast, especially in girls aged [-] to [-].

Children with withdrawn personality are obviously timid, withdrawn, and cowardly when encountering things.Therefore, eccentricity is not conducive to the formation of children's good personality, nor is it conducive to the development of children's social communication skills.It can be seen that if there are children with withdrawn personality in the family, parents must not take it lightly, and must guide it as soon as possible.The specific method is as follows:
(1) Expand the living space of the child.

Parents should let their children get out of the small circle of "self", and let them play, play and live more with neighbor's children.Take your children to play in amusement parks, zoos, and parks in your spare time, and take your children to visit relatives and friends, so as to enhance their needs and interests in communication and ease their withdrawn temperament.

(2) Positive evaluation encouragement method.

When children make mistakes or failures in the process of communication, parents should not reprimand, but should give positive and pertinent evaluations to encourage children.For example: "Although you did not succeed, I still want to praise you because you have worked hard." "You just need to work harder, and you will definitely do better!"

(3) Let the children decide everything by themselves.

Some parents take their children to the park to play, and they like to hold their children's hands, thinking that they are protecting the children, but in fact it affects the children's independence and "deprives" him of the opportunity to interact with others.Therefore, parents must learn to let go and let their children decide whether to participate in activities.Especially for children aged 3 to 6, we must understand this point.

Stone of Other Mountains
Mother's name: Li Danni
Occupation: Advertising Planning

Daughter's name: Nini, 5 years old

Daughter Nini became silent when she was 4 years old.In the beginning, I just didn’t want to talk to strangers, but now except me and his father, I basically don’t talk to anyone, even grandparents, kindergarten teachers, and children next door.

After communicating with the parents around me, I discovered that Nini has already developed a withdrawn personality. If she is not guided and corrected in time, it is likely to affect the child's communication skills.

Then what should be done?It just so happened that Nini's birthday was coming up, so I discussed with her: "On your birthday, shall we invite some children to your home?" I was afraid that she would disagree, but she happily agreed.

On her birthday, I prepared a birthday party for her and invited several children to my house to celebrate her birthday.

The children all brought small gifts to Nini.Nini is very happy.Only after I reminded her did she remember to share snacks with the children.Because it was the first time to take the initiative to feed the children, Nini felt very fresh with the feeling of a little master.

I also let the children sing birthday songs together, and took them to play the game of throwing the handkerchief.Because it was at home, Nini had a kind of initiative and had a great time playing.

Every once in a while, I will invite the children to play with Nini at home, and often take Nini out to play.

Now Nini is not so withdrawn and out of gregarious.In the kindergarten, I can also take the initiative to help the teacher clean the classroom.

4. Nana is unwilling to participate in group activities
——Correct the child's autistic isolation

Nana is a four-and-a-half-year-old girl, cute and smart, with a pair of beautiful big eyes flickering, making people want to go up and get close to her.

But it is such a cute little girl who is very inactive, and never "appreciates" participating in group activities, preferring to play alone.

I remember one time, the city held a singing and dancing competition for Children's Day, and Nana's kindergarten was also preparing to rehearse a program.This program needs 9 little girls, and there are exactly 9 little girls in the class.But when the kindergarten teacher invited Nana to participate, Nana didn't agree.

The kindergarten teacher called the parents and asked the parents to help with the work.But Nana cried for two days, and in the end she didn't want to go to kindergarten.She didn't give up until the teacher assured her that she would not be allowed to participate again.That show had to be changed to 8 little girls and 1 little boy.

It was because of this incident that Nana's mother began to notice Nana's performance of being out of gregariousness.

Another time, in order to improve children's hands-on ability, the kindergarten specially organized children to clean up.It is said to be cleaning, but it is actually the kindergarten aunts who are doing it, and the children are watching.But even if it was such a group activity, Nana was unwilling to participate, and finally told the kindergarten aunt that she had a stomachache and had to ask for leave to go home.

Now, Nana's mother is very anxious, why is Nana so unwilling to participate in group activities?
Case in-depth analysis
Nana is almost "fearful" about group activities, which is a kind of "autistic" withdrawn personality, which is more serious than the general withdrawn personality.From a psychological point of view, this is the early manifestation of "autism".That is what we call "false autism".

Generally speaking, the "pseudo-autistic" type of withdrawn personality generally appears around the age of 3.If the parents do not actively guide, the child may be like this for the rest of his life.

Why is there the situation of "autistic" personality withdrawn?Psychologists believe that in addition to being directly related to the child's innate personality, it is also related to the child's acquired education, family atmosphere, background, and learning influence:

(1) Caused by excessive doting.

Excessive doting on children will lead to "autistic" personality withdrawn in children.Because excessive satisfaction and protection of children will inhibit the natural development of children's language and behavior.For example, with a gesture or a glance from a child, the parents know what the child wants and what he wants to do, and then satisfy him.This kind of excessive care makes children not talkative, which affects the development of children's expressive ability and thus affects their communication.

(2) "Eggshell" psychology.

Some children are very fragile psychologically, crying when they encounter troubles, which is called "eggshell" psychology in psychology.Affected by this kind of psychology, it is easy for children to refuse to communicate with others because of fear of setbacks, and thus become reluctant to go to crowded places and participate in group activities.

(3) The impact of inferiority complex.

Too much low self-esteem is also one of the reasons for being lonely.They are always afraid that if they say bad things or do bad things in a crowded place, they will embarrass themselves and their parents, which leads to a withdrawn personality.

psychologist advice
Children with "autistic" personality and withdrawn personality often have behaviors such as silence and fear, and are easily misunderstood by parents as "shy", "timid" and "introverted".Therefore, if parents find this behavior of their children, they must not take it lightly.If the child accidentally says or does the wrong thing, the parents should not show too much concern, otherwise the child will feel that he is not welcomed by his parents and that he is too stupid.After a long time, you will be withdrawn and self-closing.

How to guide children?
(1) Improve children's cognitive level.

Children around the age of 3 have a low level of cognition. They don't know what it means to be unsocial, what it means to be withdrawn, and they don't know what bad influence this personality will have on themselves.Therefore, parents can let children understand the disadvantages of being lonely and not gregarious by telling stories, so that children can realize the necessity of gregariousness.

(2) Improve children's resistance to frustration.

In order to stay away from the influence of the "eggshell" effect, parents should find ways to improve their children's resilience.For example, guide children to think before doing things, what will happen if they are unsuccessful, and what will be the worst result.When children have expectations, the frustration will not be so strong.

(3) Game law.

If the child is unwilling to participate in the group game by himself, the parents can participate in it in person and let the child watch it.Parents must pretend to be having a great time and having fun, so that children can be interested in group activities.After children get used to group games and experience happiness from group activities, they will actively ask to join.Of course, at this time, parents must quit in time, and don't let their children become overly dependent, otherwise the gains will outweigh the losses.

Stone of Other Mountains
Mother's name: Muzi

Occupation: Marketing Planning
Daughter name: Jingjing, 4 years old

My daughter Jingjing is 4 years old this year. She doesn't like to talk very much, and she doesn't like playing or playing games with her friends. She often hides in a corner by herself in a daze.

"What's wrong with this child?" Once I saw Jingjing alone in a daze, I was really frightened, so I quickly asked Jingjing her father.

"Did you feel wronged? You didn't mention her today, did you?" Jingjing's father looked at me and asked.

"No, didn't I just come back from get off work?" I felt very strange, but my intuition told me that there must be something wrong with Jingjing.

The next day, I went to a children's psychological counseling room for consultation, and found out that Jingjing may have "false autism", and if she does not give timely guidance, "autistic psychology" will appear.

(End of this chapter)