Learn about child psychology every day 2: Before the age of 8, you can help your child acquire a goo

Chapter 21 My child doesn't fit in! (3)
"Then what should I do?" I asked the psychologist.

"Jingjing's situation is not very serious, and it can be corrected by taking the child into group games."

Since then, I have paid more attention to Jingjing, and play with her whenever I have time.For example, in the game of "Eagle and Chicken", I will be the "Eagle" and she will be the "Hen". Of course, the chicks should be played by children.At this time, I encouraged Jingjing to invite children.

In order to complete the game, Jingjing had to invite children.Later, I will also organize children's performances in the park and select No.1.The children are eager to perform and are fully committed.Jingjing also had the opportunity to perform and began to actively participate in it.

Once, I was telling a story to Jingjing in the park. Just as I was about to tell the ending, a kid next to me told the result.Inspired by this incident, when I tell stories in the park in the future, I will invite some children to participate.At the beginning of my story, I deliberately let the children continue to tell, to see who can tell it.Unexpectedly, the effect was very good, the children were all vying to talk about it, Jingjing did not show weakness, and the atmosphere was very lively.After coming and going, Jingjing's "autistic" personality and withdrawn personality no longer exist.

5. Zou Tang felt that his companion was childish
——Helping children overcome arrogance
Zou Tang is 4 years old this year. He is a very smart and hardworking child.Although he has just entered the middle class of kindergarten, he has already won many big red flowers, in recognition of his "mental calculation", "hygiene", "politeness", "helping the teacher" and so on.Almost everyone who visits Zou Tang's house will praise Zou Tang.

It may be because of this reason that Zou Tang always feels that he is the most powerful kid in the world, and he becomes more and more proud, unwilling to play with the children around him.The children took the initiative to greet him, but he refused to answer.

I remember one time, when Zou Tang and his mother went shopping for books, they met Qiming, a kid from the same kindergarten.

Qiming is a very cheerful little boy. When he saw that Zou Tang was also choosing comic books, he took the initiative to say hello to him: "Zou Tang, you are also here. Let me see what books you bought." Zou Tang came.

"Let the children see what books you bought."

Zou Tang was very impatient, and left without saying a word, leaving Qiming standing there alone, not knowing what to do.

"Qiming, here, this is the apple that Auntie just bought." In desperation, Zou Tang's mother had to smooth things over with Qiming.

Qiming took the apple and walked away.

"Why don't you talk to Qiming?" Zou Tang's mother asked Zou Tang on the way home.

"I don't want to talk about it, but I just don't want to answer him. He is often criticized by the teacher. He can't draw well, and he can't count. Why should I talk to him?" Zou Tang said dismissively.

"You child, why are you so 'snobby' and ignorant at such a young age?" Zou Tang's mother felt very strange.

Is it because Zou Tang is ignorant?
Case in-depth analysis
Zou Tang is unwilling to answer Qiming because he thinks Qiming is a child who is often criticized by teachers and has poor academic performance.This is not because Zou Tang is ignorant, but because he already has arrogance.

In modern society, due to parental doting and other reasons, there are more and more children with arrogance.According to the survey results, nearly 3% of children aged 10 to 70 have a certain degree of arrogance, and 40% of them have a more obvious arrogance.

Children with arrogance are unwilling to teach children homework, and are unwilling to lend their own things to children.All in all, a child with arrogance is like a hedgehog who doesn't want anyone to come near him.

How did the arrogance arise?In general, there are the following points:
(1) Excessive praise.

In the process of children's growth, it is inappropriate to lack praise if they want to improve their self-confidence.But parents should also realize that more praise is not always better.Excessive praise will make children feel great and high, and separate themselves from others.Moreover, excessive praise can easily make children become proud and complacent, look down on others, and gradually form a "arrogant" mentality.

(2) Negative imitation psychological impact.

If someone in the child's family is xenophobic, it will also make the child imitate negatively.For example, parents often say: "What's so great about him?" "I'm not with him!" into your own interpersonal relationships.

(3) The impact of bad sense of competition.

Unhealthy competition awareness refers to the wrong guidance brought to children by society and film and television dramas.For example, in many film and television dramas, children are blindly guided to "fight for the first" and "I am the best", deliberately exaggerating an atmosphere of competition, so that children cannot communicate with children in a harmonious and quiet state of mind.In their minds, all children are their opponents, not their partners.

psychologist advice
In a sense, arrogance is a kind of bad psychology. When a child has arrogance, he will be arrogant.Regardless of whether you are really good at this aspect, you will look down on others.If it is not guided, arrogance is the easiest to evolve into jealousy, which is extremely detrimental to the healthy growth of children.

Children with arrogance always think that those who are inferior to them are not qualified to play games, be friends, or talk to them.In his mind, grades and teachers' praise are the criteria to measure whether others are qualified to communicate with him.Over time, these children will lose their friends, and eventually they will become withdrawn and aloof, and no one wants to play with him anymore.

When a child has this kind of psychology, how should parents guide it?

(1) Give the child an objective evaluation.

Parents must be objective and fair when evaluating their children, and they cannot praise him empty-handed.For example, "You are such a good boy", "You are amazing", "You are better than anyone else".When complimenting him, be sure to let him know why you are complimenting him.For example, "You helped the children, you did a good job in this", "You are very polite to the teacher, you are really a good boy", etc.

(2) Help children find gaps.

The reason why children have arrogance is likely to be that they do not realize or find the gap between themselves and others.Just like Zou Tang in the case, he always felt that he had better grades than his little friend Qiming, and that he could get the teacher's big red flower, but he didn't realize that he was inferior to Qiming in some aspects.

(3) Let the children interact more with children who are peaceful.

If the child is found to be arrogant, parents can let the child interact with children who are calm, because it is easier for children to communicate and communicate.After a long time of communication, the child will naturally find a suitable benchmark.In this way, the gap between each other can be found, and the children can be integrated into the group more quickly.

Stone of Other Mountains
Mother's name: Li Li

Occupation: Company cashier

Son's name: Dandan, 4 and a half years old
Dandan became very "arrogant" after going to kindergarten. No matter what she said or did, she always acted like "I am the biggest in the world".It may be for this reason that he doesn't like to socialize with children.

Once, when I went to pick him up from the kindergarten, I saw many children talking and laughing with their friends, but Dandan stood there alone.I asked him who his good friend in kindergarten was, but he didn't even say a name.It turned out that my son didn't have any playmates in kindergarten.

I am very anxious, how can the child have no friends?
"Hey, his 'arrogant' temper should be changed, it will be very bad for his future development." Dandan's father is also very worried.

"Then what should I do?" I asked.

"How about this, you find a better child in the kindergarten and set an example for our son, let him know the gap between himself and others." Dad Dandan gave me an idea.

"Okay, let's do that."

The next day, I asked the teacher to understand the situation of the children, and finally locked my eyes on one child.This child is good in every way, generous, reasonable, clean, well-appraised by teachers, elegant parents, and his family is very close to ours.So, I negotiated with the child's parents and let him go on the same road with Dandan every day.

The children are easy to get along with each other. Within a few days, Dandan and that child became good playmates.I guided Dandan to look for the gap between herself and that child.Dandan also gradually realized that many of her previous practices were wrong, and promised to correct them.

In the end, led by that child, Dandan's friends developed from one to two, to three, and finally integrated into the group.What's more, Dandan's "arrogant" problem disappeared, and she came back every day and said to me, "Who has done a good job in something, I will work hard."

As a mother, what reason do I have to be unhappy when I hear my child say this?

6. Binbin always bullies his little sister
——The child is bullying and afraid of being tough, what should I do?
Binbin's mother was going on a business trip with the aunt next door, so she let her son Binbin live with the aunt's little sister and asked a nanny to take care of her.

At first, Binbin got along well with his little sister, but later he liked to bully his little sister.When he saw the snacks in his little sister’s hand, he would run over and snatch them, even though he didn’t want to eat them; when he saw the toy in his little sister’s hands, he would also grab it brutally, even though it might be the toy he didn’t want to play with just now thrown away.

Almost every day, I could hear my little sister crying loudly, and sometimes Binbin even grabbed her little sister with his hands.

I remember one time, when the nanny asked Binbin if he wanted to have lunch, Binbin said no.The nanny asked the little sister again, and the little sister said that she wanted to eat ham sausage.Binbin shouted to his little sister, "You are not allowed to eat ham sausage."

The little sister said: "I just want to eat it, and your mother didn't buy the ham sausage."

Unexpectedly, when the little sister was eating, Binbin snatched the bowl abruptly and dumped the ham sausage inside into the trash can, with a domineering look of "I don't want to eat it and no one else can eat it".

Why does Binbin like to bully his little sister so much?Is he a tyrannical man?According to the little nanny, this is not the case.Binbin is not so domineering outside.He sees some older kids acting withdrawn.He didn't dare to make a sound when others snatched his toys, and he would give away his snacks with both hands.

Why is Binbin doing this?
Case in-depth analysis
Binbin likes to bully his younger sister, but he dare not compare himself to his older children outside. This is a typical mentality of "bullying the weak and fearing the hard".

What is meant by "bullying the weak and fearing the hard"? "Bullying the weak and fearing the strong" is a kind of bad behavior caused by children's personality or improper parenting methods, that is, treating different people with different attitudes and methods.

Usually, this kind of psychology is easy to appear in children after the age of 3, and it is relatively rare in children aged 0-2.

Why is this so?
Psychologists believe that children of different ages have different game characteristics.For example, children over 1 year old are not very good at playing with other children, so they like to play alone in most cases.Sometimes even if several children are together, they all play their own things and have nothing to do with each other.Psychology is called the "parallel game" stage.

After the age of 3, they begin to enter the stage of "cross-play".When several children of similar age play together, there will be situations such as "exchanging", "robbing" and "possessing" toys.In this process, the phenomenon of "bullying the weak and fearing the strong" is easy to appear.

In addition to the influence of the child itself, are there other factors?Psychologists believe that the following aspects are more likely to affect children.

(1) There is a problem with the education method.

In many families, parents like to use the "division of labor" education method to educate their children. For example, the father conducts "strict education", the mother implements "lenient education", and the father beats and scolds the mother to coax them.This kind of education method of one punishment, one vertical, one strict and one loose can easily make children afraid of only one person at home and only listen to one person.When his father is at home, he will keep his own place and be very well-behaved. Once only his mother is at home, he will do his own way, even lawless.If things go on like this, these children will become "bully and fearful", using different attitudes and methods to treat different people.

(2) It is related to his growth experience.

The child was bullied by the older child and had no choice but to succumb.And when he meets a child who is younger or weaker than himself, he will inevitably vent his dissatisfaction with the older child on the younger child.If a child succumbs, the child will have this kind of experience, don't provoke those who are stronger than themselves, and bully those who are weaker than themselves.

psychologist advice
Does your child love "bullying the weak and fearing the hard"?Children with this mentality are generally unfriendly, unreasonable, and domineering when they see children, but they dare not speak up when they see older children.When parents discover that their child is afraid of the strong and bullying the weak, they should guide him in time to let him get out of this vicious circle.

How should parents guide them?

(1) Use the "empathy" effect.

The so-called "empathy" effect refers to letting the child consider issues from the perspective of others, and let him experience the emotions of the younger brother and younger sister who are being bullied by him.When children bully children who are weaker than themselves, they usually only consider their own feelings, and hardly think that the other party will be sad, sad or even painful.At this time, parents can play the "role swap" game with their children to let them understand that if you rob your younger siblings of their toys, your younger siblings will be sad, just like you will cry if your toys are taken away by others .It is wrong for other children to bully you, and it is wrong for you to bully others.Gradually, children can be guided to understand the weak, love the weak, and then care for the weak.

(2) Teach children some skills to deal with "strong people".

To change the mentality of "bullying the weak and fearing the strong", it is not enough to let the children understand the feelings of the weak, the key is to improve the children's skills in dealing with the "strong".Usually, parents can teach their children some coping skills, such as listening to what others say; when encountering bullying by other children, they should shout loudly to attract the attention of adults; learn to negotiate with others and share with each other.

(3) Give positive comments to the child.

The reason why many children like to bully children younger than themselves is because he wants to prove his strength.But his strength backs down when confronted with more powerful children.The more he backs down, the more he makes up for it on the weak.In this way, it falls into a vicious circle.Therefore, parents should properly affirm their children and often tell them "you are brave".This will satisfy the child's desire to be strong and avoid the situation of bullying caused by his desire to obtain compensation from the weak.

Stone of Other Mountains
Mother's name: Ouyang Lin
Occupation: Magazine editor

Son's name: Qiqi, 4 and a half years old
One morning, not long after I arrived at the company, the kindergarten teacher called me: "Doudou hit another little girl in the kindergarten. This time it was even more serious, and the little girl's nosebleeds came out. .”

In fact, since she was in kindergarten, Doudou has beaten her younger brother and younger sister more than once, and the children of relatives have been beaten and cried by Doudou.But when he saw the domineering kid in the class, he was scared. He didn't dare to fight back when people robbed him of his toys and beat him.But as soon as he saw the little girl in the class, he would spit, pinch her face, and colluded with other children to bully her.

This was the case that day, when the domineering kid robbed his toy, he went to grab the little girl's toy.When the little girl refused, he punched her, causing her nose to bleed.

"Doudou actually has no major problems, but she is a bit bullying." The kindergarten teacher told me.

"It seems so, but how to solve it?" I am also very depressed about Doudou's behavior.I don't want my son to be bullied by other kids, nor do I want him to bully other kids.

(End of this chapter)