Learn about child psychology every day 2: Before the age of 8, you can help your child acquire a goo

Chapter 23 Help the "ugly duckling" with low self-esteem (1)
As the saying goes, self-confidence determines ability.If a child is not confident enough, it will be difficult to perform well even if he is capable.On the contrary, if a child is confident enough, it is easy to tap his own potential.Faced with children who are not confident enough, parents should not just worry, but know how to find ways to help children overcome inferiority complex, regain self-confidence, and turn the "ugly duckling" into a beautiful "white swan".

baby confidence test

Whether a child is confident or not will be shown in some details, but parents may not observe so carefully.It doesn't matter, if you are still not sure whether your child is confident enough, you might as well take a set of test questions:

1. When encountering something, does your child dare to make up his own mind?
A. dare B. dare not
2. Does your child refuse to make friends or talk to others?

A. will not B. will

3. Will your child give up on himself after encountering setbacks?
A. will not B. will

4. Does your child feel that he is flawed (such as fat, short)?

A. No B. Yes

5. Does your child often say words like "I can't", "No", "Don't dare"?

A. not often B. often
6. Does your child dare to express himself in front of the public?
A. dare B. dare not
7. As a parent, do you feel you trust your children enough?
A. enough B. not enough
8. How often do you or other family members affirm your child?
A. Yes B. No
Now, please count your options and test results:

"Inferiority type" children: In the test answers, when item A appears 1 or 2 times, it means that your child has a serious inferiority complex.He doesn't believe that he can do better, he is afraid of new things, he is afraid of expressing himself in front of strangers, he is afraid that others will say that he is not good... In short, in the minds of these children, there is nothing they can do or dare to do.

"Doubtful" children: In the test answers, when item A appears 3 to 5 times, it means that your child has a certain inferiority complex, or is relatively inferior in some aspects.Such as interpersonal communication, learning, trying new things, etc.Although this kind of inferiority complex is not particularly serious, parents should not take it lightly.

"Confident" children: In the test answers, when item A appears 6-8 times, it means that your child is full of confidence and basically has no inferiority complex.Even if it occurs, it can be overcome quickly.As a parent, you don't have to worry about this for now.

1. Ling Xuan likes to say "No"

——Be wary of children's self-identification
"Ling Xuan, mom will take you to the park tomorrow, and you will dance there for mom to see like other children, okay?" Ling Xuan's mother asked.

"No, Mom, no." Ling Xuan immediately refused, her tone was firm and there was no room for negotiation.

"Why? Didn't you dance very well at home last time?"

"No, I'm afraid I won't be able to dance well."

"Ling Xuan, let your uncle recite the poetry that mom taught you last time, okay?"

"No, mom, no, I haven't recited it yet." Ling Xuan refused her mother again.

……

"No, no", this is the most common sentence of the 4-year-old girl Ling Xuan.No matter whether she can do this matter or whether she can do it well, her first reaction is to refuse, and she blurts out "no".

In fact, Ling Xuan can not only do many things, but also do them very well.Take reciting poetry as an example, she has already memorized the 10 Tang poems taught to her by Ling Xuan's mother, and she can recite them by heart.However, if she was asked to recite or write silently in front of others, she would definitely say "no".

Ling Xuan's mother knew that it was because Ling Xuan was too unconfident, and she was afraid that she could not do well in everything.The more she behaves like this, the worse she will be.

Why is Ling Xuan so unconfident?
Case in-depth analysis
The dance that you can dance is definitely not good for dancing, and the poetry you can memorize is definitely not good for reciting.This is not because Ling Xuan wants to be lazy, but a manifestation of inferiority complex.Because of her inferiority complex, she was afraid that she would be ridiculed if she could not do well, so she simply said "no" at the beginning to refuse further requests from others.

In life, many children, like Ling Xuan in the case, have become very unconfident due to the influence of inferiority complex. They must say that they can't do things that they can do well.These children always like to say self-denying words such as "I don't understand", "I can't" and "I can't" when they encounter problems, and they don't know what to do when faced with choices; I am useless; there are also children who believe that they are flawed and dislike themselves because of it.Of course, there are many similar behaviors, such as not being afraid to ask questions when encountering problems, feeling inferior when being criticized, not being able to express yourself in front of others, not having an independent opinion in doing things, not being able to communicate with others, etc. These are all because the child is not confident enough.

So, what are the reasons that can easily lead to the emergence of children's inferiority complex?
(1) Bad label effect.

In life, many parents don't trust their children, and always think that children are young, this is not good, and that is not good.When a child asks to eat by himself, adults often choose to feed him because he is afraid that the child will get his clothes dirty; When there is a quarrel with toys, the adults are afraid that their children will not solve the problem, so they come forward... This distrustful behavior of parents undoubtedly puts a bad label on the child. Under the effect of this bad label, the child naturally loses confidence .

(2) Improper targeting.

Inappropriate goals here mainly refer to two situations: no goals and too high goals.Both can lead to children becoming less confident.No goal means no direction to struggle.When a child sees other children achieve their goals one after another but they get nothing, their confidence will plummet and they will think that they are incapable; similarly, if the goal is set too high and cannot be achieved for a long time, it will naturally make the child feel that he is not capable. thus losing confidence.

(3) Due to setbacks and blows.

Children are prone to setbacks.When the reality of failure is in front of them, in addition to crying to express their emotions, children will also have doubts about their abilities and behaviors, and then develop a lack of self-confidence.

(4) Parents did not affirm in time.

Whether something is right or wrong, good or bad, the child has not yet established his own judgment system, so parents need to help the child make a judgment.If this step is missing, the child will feed back the parent's behavior to himself, thinking that he has done something wrong or not good enough. Otherwise, why don't the parents praise themselves?

(5) Parents are too doting.

The child's lack of self-confidence has a certain relationship with the parents' arrangement of everything.Parents arrange everything, resulting in children having no more opportunities to exercise their abilities.Over time, it is natural that they are not as good as other children in doing things, and the lack of confidence is a matter of course.

psychologist advice
Low self-esteem is a psychological defect, and it is also one of the common problems in children.Especially in infants and young children, children are most likely to have this kind of bad psychology. Between the ages of 3 and 7 is an important period for the development of a child's personality and values, and the child's personality characteristics are basically finalized.If the child develops an inferiority complex at this time, he may become withdrawn, reticent, and lack self-confidence, which will have a negative impact on his future work and life.

Although individual children's inferiority complex will gradually reduce or disappear with age, but this proportion is very small, only about 10%.Therefore, if children want to stay away from low self-esteem, parents must be more vigilant, and once they find that their children have a tendency to feel inferior, they should guide them in time.

How should it be guided and regulated?
(1) Set reasonable goals.

When helping children set goals, parents must tailor their clothes.If the child achieves the expected goal and achieves success, parents should praise more, so that the child can fully taste the joy of success.When children experience the joy of success, they will naturally have self-confidence.

(2) Find the reason for the failure.

Faced with their children's failures, parents should help their children find out the reasons for their failures, and avoid seeking blame.The lack of self-confidence after a child's failure is often caused by not investigating the root cause of the failure. As the saying goes, "Once bitten by a snake, you will be afraid of well ropes for ten years."As a parent, you must be aware of this.

(3) Cultivate children's self-confidence.

Usually, parents can let their children do their own things.For example, at the age of 3 to 4, children can learn to eat, dress, go to the toilet, and tidy up toys by themselves. 5-6 years old can further let the child wash and wash small pieces of clothing, such as socks, by himself.This can provide more opportunities for children to exercise, help them master some basic abilities, and gradually cultivate their self-confidence.

(4) Incentive effect.

In daily life, parents should be good at discovering the strengths and strengths of their children, and often praise and encourage them.For example, you can say to your child: "I think your math is very good", "It's good that you take the initiative to organize your toy box", "Your handwriting is very neat and looks very comfortable".As time goes by, the child's self-confidence will gradually increase.

Stone of Other Mountains
Mother's name: Yan Mingfang
Occupation: Bank Clerk

Daughter's name: Wenwen, 3 years old

My daughter, Wenwen, is 3 years old. She is beautiful and cute, but there is one thing that makes people worry - not confident.Especially in front of strangers, the songs that were originally good at singing were not good, and the dances that were good at dancing became messy.And for the most part, she refuses to do these things.

At the beginning, I thought it was okay for a little girl to be so shy, but once I chatted with Wenwen’s teacher, she told me that it’s not okay for Wenwen to continue like this. her interpersonal interactions.

"Now you have to pay attention, help Wenwen improve her self-confidence." The kindergarten teacher finally told me.

"How can I help her?" I was not sure at all.

"First of all, you have to set small goals for Wenwen so that she can achieve them in a short period of time. For example, put the dirty clothes in the washing machine by yourself for a week, and feed yourself. As long as the child achieves it, you will Give her encouragement."

"Well, that's not bad. Anything else?" I continued.

"Also, let Wenwen do things by herself, don't do everything. If she makes a mistake, tell her what is wrong and how to change it, instead of simply criticizing and accusing her. If the child is doing well, you must Give rewards in time, and don’t let children feel that if adults don’t encourage them, it means that they have done something wrong. This is very bad for children.” The kindergarten teacher told me very carefully.

"Oh, I really didn't do well on this point. It seems that I have to correct it." After listening to the kindergarten teacher, I seemed to have found my way.

Later, I set some easy-to-achieve goals for Wenwen according to the teacher's method. As long as she achieves one, I will give her a big red flower just like the kindergarten teacher.With more and more big red flowers on the wall, the smiles on Wenwen's face are also increasing.When she did something wrong, I changed my previous method of only criticizing and not educating her, and told her what was wrong this time and how to correct it next time.so.Now that Wenwen encounters setbacks, she has begun to know how to find out the reasons.Naturally, she became very confident.

2. Zhizhi is an "ugly duckling"

——Beware of low self-esteem during the teeth changing period
Zhizhi is a well-known "little beauty" in the neighborhood, and she often called herself "little beauty" when she was still young.As long as people ask her what is your name, she will answer: "My name is Little Beauty." Such conversations often make people around laugh.

However, after Zhizhi was 6 years old, she didn't like to laugh anymore, and she didn't like to call herself "little beauty".If someone says she is a "little beauty", she will not only deny it, but also cry.

"What's wrong with this child? Why does he still cry so much at such an age?" Zhizhi's mother said to Zhizhi's father with a blank face.

"I think it may be that Zhizhi feels that she is not as good-looking as before, so she has low self-esteem. Do you remember the diary she wrote? She called herself an 'ugly duckling' in it."

Soon, Zhizhi's mother found out the reason.Zhizhi had her teeth replaced earlier, the two front teeth were the first to come out, and the two new front teeth that grew after the replacement were very big, like the iron general who guards the door.Newly met classmates made fun of her, and no one said she looked like a "beauty" anymore, and she gradually became inferior.If someone calls her a "little beauty", she feels that others are laughing at her.

However, Zhizhi's mother felt very strange, could it be because of such a trivial matter?Why does Zhizhi have such a strong inferiority complex?
Case in-depth analysis
Zhizhi felt unattractive because her front teeth hadn't grown well, she felt that she was an "ugly duckling" and no longer a "little beauty" in the eyes of others, and even developed an inferiority complex because of this.This is a typical inferiority complex during the "ugly duckling" period, and children in the teeth changing period often have this bad psychology.

Psychologists believe that the reason why children in the teeth-changing period have this kind of inferiority complex is that they already have self-esteem.Children with strong self-esteem will be very concerned about other people's opinions and evaluations of themselves.If others think badly of you, you will have an inferiority complex.The teasing of older children and the discussions of parents and guests will make children feel that they are really "ugly ducklings".Some children even lick their teeth desperately because of this, hoping that the teeth will grow out soon, but the result is often counterproductive.

Many children also become unconfident and even inferior due to acne, obesity, short stature, and thinning hair.According to a survey, more than 80% of children's low self-esteem is due to "not good-looking" and "flaws in themselves".This shows that the inferiority complex during the "ugly duckling" period has a great impact on children.

Why do children feel inferior to their own physical defects?In addition to strong self-esteem and improper evaluation by parents, there are the following reasons:
(1) Excessive emphasis on defects.

(End of this chapter)