Learn about child psychology every day 2: Before the age of 8, you can help your child acquire a goo

Chapter 24 Help the "ugly duckling" with low self-esteem (2)
Some children not only pay attention to physiological phenomena such as tooth replacement, fat and thin, height, etc., but also pay attention to some defects of their own, such as eyes not big enough, nose not straight enough, face too big, etc. These are the reasons for their low self-esteem.In fact, everyone has more or less defects. If children pay too much attention to these and ignore their advantages, inferiority complex will easily appear.

(2) Due to improper comparison.

Many parents like to compare their children with other people's children. The original intention of the parents is to let the children realize the gap and improve.But in the eyes of children, this is a manifestation of parents looking down on themselves and thinking that they have shortcomings.Over time, you will become inferior.

(3) Bad label effect.

When a child loses a front tooth, parents or those around them may make fun of the child.It is described by bad nicknames such as "toothless puppy", and even takes pleasure in making children cry.Parents think this is a joke, but for the child, it is tantamount to labeling him a bad label.Children will therefore feel that they are not a perfect person, resulting in inferiority complex.

psychologist advice
When children pay too much attention to some of their own flaws, it is easy to appear "ugly duckling" inferiority complex.Especially children with short stature, ugly appearance, overweight, stuttering, abnormal facial features and even physical disabilities.If these children are often ridiculed by their classmates, they are more prone to this kind of psychology.This is a typical inferiority complex caused by bad label effects.

Of course, there are many reasons for children's "ugly duckling" inferiority complex. After parents understand these reasons, the next step is to actively guide their children so that they can get out of the shadow of "ugly duckling" inferiority complex.

(1) Communicate with children more.

When a child has an inferiority complex of an "ugly duckling" due to some physical defects, parents should communicate and chat with the child more, and tell the child why this situation occurs, when it can be changed, and whether it will affect themselves.Only when children understand that this is just a stage in everyone's life process, worry and low self-esteem will decrease.

(2) Appreciation effect.

Many parents, when their children ask questions such as "Why am I so ugly" and "Why are my teeth so big", just generally say something like "No, you are beautiful" and "Your teeth are not big at all, so they look good." " and the like.Obviously, this kind of praise has no sincerity at all, and the child will not buy it.If you want to improve your child's self-confidence through praise, you must pay attention to a principle: sincerity.Not only to praise the child, but also to tell the child why I praise you.For example: "You are a beautiful child, especially your braids, which makes people look very comfortable." "Your teeth are not big at all, but those small teeth have not grown yet."

(3) Expectation effect.

When a child feels that he is an "ugly duckling", parents should give him good expectations of a "white swan".For example, you can tell your children that "those beautiful people were ugly when they were young", "you will become more beautiful in a few years", etc.When children shift their attention from the pain of the "ugly duckling" to the joy of the "white swan", they will also stay away from inferiority complex.

Stone of Other Mountains
Mother's name: Zhao Meng

Occupation: Administrator

Daughter's name: Xiaoyu, 7 years old

Xiaoyu is 7 years old this year and is in the second grade of primary school.She was originally a girl who liked to wear skirts very much, but one day, she suddenly told me: "Mom, don't buy me skirts in the future, I will never wear them again."

"Why? Don't you look good in a skirt?" I found it strange what Xiaoyu said, but I knew there must be a reason for it.

"There's no reason, I just don't wear it anymore." Since she didn't want to tell me, I didn't ask further.

From then on, Xiaoyu was always depressed all day long, and when she saw a skirt, she had a disgusted expression. Even if I wore a skirt, she would feel very impatient.

"What happened to Xiaoyu, it seems that I have to figure it out." I said to Xiaoyu's father at night.

"You asked her, but she didn't say anything, how did you find out?" Xiaoyu's father asked me back.

This is indeed a question, but I quickly figured out a way to ask her good friend Lily.The next day, after sending Xiaoyu to school, I secretly found Lili and expressed my doubts.Unexpectedly, Lili smiled and said after hearing this: "Auntie, it's okay. Xiaoyu didn't wear skirts because she felt that her legs were not good-looking and had O-shaped legs. One day some boys in our class laughed at her, I guess she was stimulated."

That's it!

It seems that this matter has affected her mood, and may even make her feel inferior.In this regard, I may have to intervene.

I found a chance, and I had a good talk with Xiaoyu, telling her what real O-shaped legs are and what her legs look like.I also told her that not only her legs are beautiful, but also her feet and hands are very slender, she is a beauty, especially the slender fingers, which are very suitable for playing the piano (Xiaoyu likes to play the piano).

Hearing my words, Xiaoyu's eyes lit up.I thought she didn't really believe what I said, so I accompanied her to search some information on the Internet.Facing the facts, Xiaoyu laughed completely, she already knew where she was wrong.

The next day, Xiaoyu took the initiative to wear skirts to school again.

3. Self-defeating silence

——Helping children out of learned self-abandonment

At the age of 4, silently entered the interest class to learn the violin.He likes the violin very much, and he is very excited silently when he thinks that he can stand on stage and perform like a musician in the future.

However, this excitement only lasted for a month, and Momo didn't want to go to the hobby class anymore.

"Why didn't you go?" Momo's mother asked him.

"I won't go, it's boring. I can't learn." He said silently with his head down.

"You haven't studied for a long time, how do you know that you can't learn?" Mo Mo's father felt very strange, "You have only been in class for a few days, why do you find it boring?"

He silently lowered his head and did not speak.

On weekends, Dad took Mo Mo to the interest class.He didn't leave, just stood outside the window and watched the class in silence.

After a while, the teacher's roar came out: "Why are your hands so weak, how is this like playing a violin?"

"Your right hand should be stronger, why does it look like a girl?"

"What are your eyes staring at? Do you still want to practice the piano, so stupid!"

"Did you read the music score I gave you last week? Why can't you remember it, you're so stupid."

……

Hearing this, Mo Mo's father finally found the reason why Mo Mo didn't want to go to the hobby class.The teacher's scolding and negation made him lose interest in practicing the piano and began to give up on himself.In this way, within two months, I silently refused to go to the hobby class.He was afraid, he resisted, he thought it was impossible for him to play the violin well.Even if she changed to another interest class, Momo would not take it again.Mo Mo's father was very helpless about this.

Case in-depth analysis
Judging from his silent performance, he is already "learned to give up on himself".The so-called "learned self-abandonment" is a mental state when a child thinks that he cannot control the outcome of the event. That is to say, after the child has experienced some failures, he will no longer try to work hard.

Why is the child like this?Psychologists have found through research that the emergence of "learned self-destruction" is related to factors such as lack of self-abilities and low self-evaluation.

"Learned self-defeating" children always like to deny themselves, and their colloquial words are "I am too stupid to learn anything" or "No matter how hard I try, I am still not as strong as others."It can be seen that these children always attribute their failures to their own congenital deficiencies, and no matter how hard they work, it is useless.

Is this really true?Obviously not.But after these children are denied by the outside world, the thoughts of "I am stupid", "I can't do well", "I can't be like others" will be slowly injected into the depths of the children's hearts like venom, forming a stereotyped self-image , and finally produce the psychology of giving up on oneself.

Besides this reason, are there other factors?

(1) Inappropriate evaluation.

The attitude of the parents can often determine the attitude of the child.If parents are disappointed in their child's performance, the child will develop a similar attitude towards himself.They may even feel that "my parents don't have confidence in me, how can I have confidence in myself" and "my parents are disappointed in me, then I must be in the end".Because of this, children are prone to self-destructive psychology.

(2) Improper parenting methods.

Many parents always hope to use high-pressure means to force their children to do some things, such as "you can't eat if you don't practice the piano for half an hour", "you can't watch TV until you finish your homework".Children do have inertia and need to be restrained by their parents, but excessive pressure will also make children feel that "whatever I do is wrong anyway" and "no matter how hard I try, I can't watch TV happily."

Since this is the case, what are you trying to do?This is also the reason for "learned self-abandonment".

(3) Parents are demanding on their children.

If parents are demanding on their children and think that their children can't do well in everything, they will keep their children in a state of "hitting the wall" for a long time.And if the parent's affirmation is not obtained, the child will have self-defeating thoughts such as "I am a fool" and "I am useless".Over time, it becomes "learned self-abandonment".

psychologist advice
Momo lost confidence in herself because of "learned self-abandonment".In fact, there is more than one silent child with "learned self-destruction".

According to a survey of more than 1000 children aged 3 to 12 by a "child psychology consulting agency", 40% of them claimed to have "completely lost confidence in at least one or two aspects, and had the mentality of giving up on themselves."For example, some of them have no confidence in their physical conditions such as appearance, height, and weight; Children start playing truant, stop going to school, and give up on themselves.But in fact, these children's abilities are not as unbearable as they think.

Why is the child like this?What are the consequences of this development?Obviously unimaginable.Therefore, parents should guide their children in a timely manner. Specifically, the following methods can be referred to:
(1) Let the child face up to himself.

The reason why children give up on themselves is that they value themselves but cannot get the affirmation of others.In the final analysis, these children did not face up to themselves, did not have a deep understanding of themselves, and even "followed other people's feelings".Therefore, when parents guide their children, they must teach their children to face up to themselves.

(2) Give more comfort to the children.

When children encounter setbacks, they must understand and comfort them.For example, "I know this matter hurts you a lot, but I still believe that you can do better."If your child fails the exam, you must tell the child: "You didn't pass the exam this time, as long as you work hard!"

(3) Believe that the child can do it.

No matter what setbacks your child encounters, you should tell your child "you can do it".Of course, the most important thing is that the parents themselves must really believe in this and give their children some help.For example, after a child fails an exam, you should not only encourage him, but also help him find the reason for the failure so as not to make the same mistake next time.

Stone of Other Mountains
Mother's name: Guo Yanyan
Occupation: Columnist

Daughter's name: Meimei, 6 years old

Meimei is 6 years old this year and is in the first grade of elementary school.When she failed the math test twice in a row, she became discouraged, crumpled the test paper into a ball, threw it into the trash can, and cried loudly on the table.No matter how I tried to persuade her, she was unwilling to believe that she could do better in the exam next time.

All night, she was muttering: "Our teacher is right, I am not a student of mathematics."

"Math Shorty" is the nickname she gave herself before going to bed, and she didn't do her math homework.

I asked her, and she said, "Anyway, I failed the exam, so I did it for nothing."

I basically didn't interfere with Meimei's exams, but this time I felt that the matter was a bit serious, so I called the math teacher the next day and told him not to say things like "I'm not good at learning mathematics" to Meimei.

Afterwards, I had a good talk with her.

"Do you believe what your math teacher said? I mean he said that you are not math material." I asked tentatively.

"Anyway, I just can't learn math well." It seems that in Meimei's mind, she has become a child who "can't learn math well".

"Mom used to be the same as you, always bad in math, but then I got 100 points in the exam." I said calmly.

"Really? Mom, how did you do it?" Meimei was obviously surprised.

"It's very simple, study hard, and ask if you don't understand." I said casually.

"Then...then can you teach me mathematics?" Meimei was really "hooked".

"Of course no problem, let's go back now and figure out the damn math, okay?"

"Okay." Meimei burst out laughing when she heard me say "Damn it".

After returning home, I gave her a lecture and pointed out the reason for the mistake and how to avoid it next time.That day, I felt like I was the best math teacher in the world.

Sure enough, in the second month's exam, Meimei's performance improved a lot.When she ran towards me waving the test paper, I knew that she had walked out of the shadow of self-defeating.

4. Lele always thinks she is fat

——Helping children away from defective inferiority complex

Recently, Lele's mother has been very upset. Lele doesn't want to go to kindergarten because she thinks she is too fat and ugly, and she is afraid that children will laugh at her.

In fact, Lele is not too fat, just slightly fatter than the average child.The reason why he thinks he is fat is because the children in the kindergarten nicknamed him "Fatty Pig".He found it ugly, and gradually began to dislike himself, and even clamored to take weight-loss pills.

(End of this chapter)