Learn about child psychology every day 2: Before the age of 8, you can help your child acquire a goo

Chapter 25 Help the "ugly duckling" with low self-esteem (3)
Lele is only 5 years old this year, so his parents can't buy him such things.But Lele's mother discovered a more serious problem, Lele began to feel inferior.

One day, my mother took Lele to the supermarket.Lele doesn't want to go.His mother asked him why, and he said casually, "I'm so fat, others will laugh at me."

"No, there are plenty of people who are fatter than you." Lele's mother said.

Lele thought for a while, and followed her mother out the door.When we arrived at the supermarket, many children were playing in the amusement park inside. Lele's mother asked Lele to go in too, but Lele just refused to go in and insisted on her mother being by her side.

"Didn't you like playing in it before? Why don't you go in now?" Lele's mother felt very strange.

"I... I don't want to go, because no one wants to play with me." Lele looked aggrieved.

"Why? How do you know that others don't want to play with you before you go in?"

"I'm so fat, will others like me?" Lele asked with a face full of doubts.

After hearing Lele's words, Lele's mother felt very helpless.

Being fat has become Lele's heart disease, and even made him feel inferior.

Case in-depth analysis
Lele dare not go out to play because she dislikes being too fat, and even thinks that others will not like her, which is obviously affected by the "flawed" inferiority complex.In fact, many children have a certain "inferiority" psychology.For example, some children think that they are too short, not good-looking, with irregular facial features, hair not dark enough, eyes not big enough, etc.Whenever something is mentioned that these children dislike, they will become nervous and avoid the topic.

Why do these children have such inferiority complex?There are many reasons:

(1) Bad label effect.

The important reason why many children dislike their own defects is that others make bad jokes with them, which give children negative psychological hints, such as giving children some ugly nicknames, making fun of children's physical defects, etc.Others may think it's nothing, but for children, this is a bad label, and it is easy for children to develop "defective" inferiority complex.

(2) Negative environmental effects.

In fact, children are often influenced by people around them, especially their parents and other family members.For example, if a child's mother thinks it is bad to be fat, then the child will also think it is bad to be fat; if the father thinks it is not good to be too short, the child will also worry about it.Under the guidance of these false consciousnesses, "defective" inferiority complex is easy to arise.Of course, in addition to the surrounding family members, the influence of film and television dramas cannot be ignored.

(3) A strong sense of self-focus.

Before the age of 4, the child's "self-consciousness" is not very strong, fat and thin, tall and short, and the clothes are not beautiful, the child does not have much feeling.But after the age of 4, children begin to pay attention to these, and also have their own judgments, so they will have some opinions and ideas about their overall image.Once you find that you are not particularly perfect in a certain aspect, you will easily develop inferiority complex.

psychologist advice
Disgusting about some defects in oneself is a phenomenon that often occurs in children's growth process, and it is also a manifestation of children's inferiority complex.

Inferiority complex, some are born with it, and some are caused after experiencing some setbacks and failures.

Usually children with low self-esteem will lose confidence in certain aspects of their abilities, such as not believing that they can draw well, play chess well, etc., and even doubt their abilities in other aspects.Seriously, it will develop to the point where you don't have confidence in everything you do, and you may even lose interest in many things.Therefore, if parents find that their children have an inferiority complex, they must guide them.

How to do it?

(1) Tell the child: This is a joke.

As a parent, try not to play bad jokes with your kids.If people around you do this, be sure to tell the child that they are joking with him, not really laughing at him.For example, "Uncle is joking with you by saying that, he thinks you are cute, not really thinks you are fat" "Auntie said you are fat because she envies your good health".When a child realizes this, the possibility of developing an inferiority complex is very small.

(2) divert attention.

Children with "flawed" inferiority complex tend to focus on their own flaws instead of seeing their good side.For example, some children only see that they are fat, but they don't see that they have black hair and a tall nose, which many people don't have.Parents can guide children to shift their attention to these advantages, so that it is easy to improve children's self-confidence and stay away from inferiority complex.

Stone of Other Mountains
Father's name: Wang Bo

Occupation: Surgeon

Son's name: Kangkang, 5 and a half years old
My son Kangkang is 5 and a half years old. He is very smart. He looks like a grown-up at home every day, and he often speaks some fashionable expressions, such as "handsome", "out" and "fans". .

But recently, Kangkang has fallen into low self-esteem, because his aunt accidentally said a word while watching TV: "Girls still like handsome guys." Kangkang asked her, "Auntie, am I handsome?" To tease him, he lied to him and said, "You are not handsome enough. Look at your nose is a bit slumped, your eyes are a little small, and your hair is relatively short. How can you be considered a handsome guy?"

What my aunt said almost made Kangkang cry.Although he fought back tears in the end, from that day forward, he was very dissatisfied with his appearance.When I saw a little girl on the road, I would deliberately lower my head.Obviously, his inferiority complex is already very serious.

It can't go on like this.

The next day, I called my colleague in the psychology department and asked him how to change Kangkang's condition.A colleague told me that first of all, we should prevent the family members from provoking him with similar jokes, and then tell him that my aunt is joking, and it is best for my aunt to tell him herself.Of course, the most important thing is to help Kangkang discover his own advantages...

When I got home, I did it one by one.In the end, I discussed with him, listed all the advantages of him, drew a table, and hung it in his room like a certificate.

Sure enough, this method was very effective. After only a few weeks, Kangkang's inferiority complex disappeared.Now, he started to walk with his chest up and his head up again.

5. Feel inferior when criticized

—— Be wary of children losing self-confidence in criticism

I don't know when Lele became particularly sensitive to criticism.No matter what, as long as others criticize him, he will feel inferior, feel that he can't do anything well, and is a useless person.

That morning, his mother bought him a cup of soy milk.He didn't take it properly, the soy milk fell on the ground and splashed all over his body, and the clothes he just wore immediately turned into a "big face".

Seeing this, Lele's mother said casually, "Why are you so careless! Look at the good soy milk being wasted by you, and you have to let mother do the laundry."

This was a very simple criticism, but Lele was very unhappy and even started to cry.

Mom finally coaxed him to go and buy another cup by himself, but Lele refused to go anyway.His mother asked him: "Why, you don't want to drink soy milk?"

What my mother didn't expect was that Lele replied like this: "I was so careless, I was afraid that I would drop the soy milk on the floor again. I want to drink it, but I am afraid that it will be a waste of soy milk." After speaking, Lele's eyes turned red again.

After hearing this, my mother felt sad for a while, thinking that she might have criticized too much, which made Lele feel inferior.

When did Coke become so sensitive?

Case in-depth analysis
Because of his mother's criticism, Lele has doubts about his abilities. It's not because he has become sensitive, but because he tends to lose confidence in other people's criticisms. In the final analysis, it is his inferiority complex that is at work .

Psychologists believe that low self-esteem is a kind of bad psychology, which is the denial of self, the rejection of one's own personality, and the denial of one's own value. The direct cause of low self-esteem is the criticism of others.

Careful parents will find that among us, it is not uncommon for children to lose self-confidence because of being criticized.It's just that their performances are different, some cry, some deny themselves, and some shrink back when encountering the same thing again.All these show one point: children with inferiority complex have been affected by this bad psychology.If parents do not help their children correct it, it is very detrimental to the formation of a good personality for their children.

In order to guide children away from low self-esteem, parents need to understand which criticisms will aggravate their children's low self-esteem.

(1) Too much criticism.

When many parents criticize their children, they do not criticize a certain thing or a mistake, but criticize it in general.For example, "You are an idiot", "You are too naughty", "How can you be so ignorant" and so on.Obviously, these floods of criticism not only cannot achieve the purpose of correcting children's mistakes, but may also cause children's inferiority complex.

(2) Criticism is emotional.

When criticizing their children, it is difficult for some parents to be "calm" and "objective", but to add their own emotions to it.Such as complaining, disgusting, etc.To a child, this is a blatant denial.

(3) Criticism that does not listen to explanations.

If the child makes a mistake, if the parents criticize blindly without listening to the child's explanation, it will also make the child feel resistant and disgusted.Once this kind of emotion spreads, it is difficult for children to get out of it, and inferiority complex will follow.

psychologist advice
Many parents feel very strange, can such a young child have an inferiority complex?

The answer is yes.The famous psychologist Eriksson has divided personality development into eight stages. He believes that the development task of the second stage—early childhood (1.5-3 years old) is to gain a sense of autonomy and overcome shyness and doubts.If children have doubts about themselves to a certain extent, they will have an inferiority complex and will hold a negative attitude towards themselves.This attitude can lead young children to see themselves as incompetent, unimportant, failed, and worthless.And parental criticism is the biggest source of children's doubts.

Usually, children with low self-esteem have a low evaluation of themselves.If parents criticize their children excessively because of some small mistakes made by their children, it will make the children feel inferior and less confident under the influence of bad criticism.For example, parents often say "you are so stupid" and "can you know how?", which will make children feel frustrated, inferior, and uneasy.Unknowingly, I lose the ability to adapt to changing circumstances, and I am even more unable to solve the problems I face.

So, how can parents take their children out of the psychological shadow of inferiority complex?
(1) Improve children's sense of self-worth.

The reason why some children become inferior after being criticized is that they have not found a sense of self-worth, and they even position their value on the approval of those around them.In order to improve children's sense of self-worth, parents should not only praise their children's interest and efforts, but also appreciate them from the bottom of their hearts. Only in this way can children's sense of self-worth be improved.

(2) Give love and support after criticism.

In the face of children's mistakes, criticism is appropriate, but smart parents will not stop there, but will give love and support to their children after criticism.For example, teaching children that there are ups and downs in life and that coping with failures can help children develop healthy self-confidence.When children fail or are disappointed, their self-confidence can be strengthened if they know that their parents' love and support will never change.

(3) Use "practical meaning" to improve self-confidence.

Give him some practical tasks.For example, parents can arrange for their children to do some housework for themselves. Even simple sweeping, choosing vegetables, and arranging dishes can make children feel that they are valuable and have stronger self-confidence.

Stone of Other Mountains
Father's name: Yan Ming

Occupation: Media worker

Son's name: Xiao Ming, 6 and a half years old
My son Xiao Ming is a sweet and lively child.Every time someone comes to our house as a guest, Xiao Ming will receive them very warmly, invite them to sit down, pour tea, take candy, and chat with them, like a "little host".

One day, my colleague brought his son to my house to play. Strangely, this time Xiao Ming did not come out to serve tea and water as usual, but hid in the room and did not come out.

"What's going on here?"

Later I realized that maybe the last time this colleague brought his son to our house to play, when talking about the child's test scores, I mentioned that Xiao Ming's test scores had dropped, and everyone criticized him face to face.Especially Xiao Ming's mother also said that he was "lazy and proud" and "had no ideal pursuit".

His mother thought that this would encourage Xiao Ming to study hard, but unexpectedly, it seriously damaged his son's self-esteem, causing him to have a serious inferiority complex and feel ashamed.

After realizing this, I discussed with Xiao Ming's mother that we must help Xiao Ming regain his confidence.His mother first apologized to him, and then discussed the reasons for the drop in grades.I also discussed with that colleague that we should praise Xiao Ming more when we meet next time.Colleagues nodded in agreement.

A few days later, I took Xiao Ming to that colleague's house to play, and "by the way" mentioned Xiao Ming's grades.I said: "Xiao Ming's test scores dropped last time, not because of laziness, nor because of pride and lack of ideals, but because of occasional mistakes. His mother criticized him so much last time, and he was wronged." It can be seen that after hearing what I said After that, Xiao Ming smiled again.Afterwards, when relatives and friends came to visit my house again, Xiao Ming was an enthusiastic "little master" again.

6. Don’t dare to raise your hand if you have a problem in class

——Reasonably guide timid and low self-esteem babies
Xiaoyu is in the first grade of elementary school this year, and his mid-term exam results have come down. Xiaoyu's grades are not very satisfactory.

what is the reason behind the scene?Xiaoyu's mother felt that there must be something wrong, so she called the teacher.

"I want to know why Xiaoyu's grades have dropped so much?"

"I was just looking for an opportunity to tell you that Xiaoyu in your family is not very motivated to study."

"Not very motivated? But he is very active in doing homework every day when he comes back, and he is very serious about the exercises we bought for him."

(End of this chapter)