Learn about child psychology every day 2: Before the age of 8, you can help your child acquire a goo

Chapter 26 Help the "ugly duckling" with low self-esteem (4)
"I know this, but most of the things he did were wrong. I think Xiaoyu's biggest problem is not that he is not serious about his studies, but that he is not motivated. He dare not ask questions when he encounters problems, and he dare not raise his hand in class. He is A very smart child, if he can correct this bad habit, his grades will improve very quickly."

After hearing what the teacher said, Xiaoyu's mother thought it made sense, but she never understood why Xiaoyu didn't dare to raise her hand when she encountered a problem.

Case in-depth analysis
Xiaoyu studied very hard, but his grades were not very good. The reason was that he did not dare to raise his hand to ask questions when he encountered problems, so that the problems piled up and affected his grades.His situation is not because of the "low enthusiasm" that the teacher said, but because of the "timid" inferiority complex.

The so-called "cowardly" inferiority complex refers to the inferiority complex caused by some children's timidity.For example, I dare not meet the teacher, dare not discuss problems with my classmates, dare not raise my hand, dare not argue with my classmates, etc.It's hard to see some daring behavior in these kids.Therefore, these children are easily identified as "cowardly" and "cowardly" characters, which in turn will cause them to develop "inferiority".

So what factors are mainly affected by the formation of "cowardly" inferiority complex?

(1) Caused by excessive psychological pressure.

Some children will do it when they think about it, while some children will think over and over again, whether this is okay, whether that is okay, what to do if there is a problem, etc.Thinking too much will lead to increased psychological pressure, and these children will have the behavior of "retreating" and dare not do this thing again.

(2) Overemphasis on setbacks.

No one wants to encounter failures and setbacks, but many times they cannot be avoided.It's just that some children underestimate setbacks and think it's nothing, while others value setbacks and deny their abilities when they encounter a setback, so they don't want to try again.When encountering new things and things that are not sure, they will also show emotions of shrinking, fear, and fear.

(3) Parents expect too much.

It is easy for parents to attach their unfulfilled wishes to their children and have high expectations for their children.They feel that "there is no motivation without pressure", and only by giving children enough pressure can children make progress.If the child is under too much pressure, the pressure will become a heavy shackle on the child, making it difficult to move forward, and even gradually lose self-confidence and fall into the abyss of inferiority complex.

psychologist advice
In life, many children are always very timid when doing things.Parents attribute this to the child's shyness or limited ability. In fact, this is due to the child's inner lack of self-confidence, which is an external manifestation of a "cowardly" inferiority complex.

Children with "cowardly" inferiority complex are bolder and more confident when getting along with their parents, but when they go out of the house, they will become timid and unconfident.Such children usually dare not raise their hands to speak, and dare not ask questions to the teacher.If the teacher asks the child to answer the question, the child will lower his head, look nervous, and dare not answer loudly.

Obviously, this is very detrimental to the mental health of the child.Therefore, parents should give them guidance and correction in time.

So, what should parents do when guiding?

(1) Expectation effect.

When getting along with children, parents should not tell their children how important success is, but should look forward to beautiful dreams with their children, such as telling children: "If you can learn the violin well, you can stand on stage and perform like a musician. There will be a lot of people applauding you." Instead of telling the child: "You must work hard to learn the violin, otherwise you will not be the first in the exam, and mother's money will be wasted."

(2) Set reasonable goals for children.

Parents' expectations can be high, but they must help their children find suitable goals instead of directly taking their own expectations as their children's goals.For example, if your expectation is to let your child enter a key junior high school, you can tell your child: "In this exam, you need to improve your math score by 10 points and your Chinese score by 15 points..." instead of telling your child in general: "You must pass the exam. Three, otherwise you will have no chance to enter a key junior high school."

(3) Demonstration guidance method.

When a child has a "cowardly" inferiority complex, parents can help the child get out of this bad psychology through demonstration and guidance.For example, you can teach children how to ask their own questions.As long as the child is familiar with it, he will be able to deal with it calmly.

Stone of Other Mountains
Father's name: Ning Hui

Occupation: Programmer
Son's name: Junjun, 7 years old

My son Junjun is in the second grade of elementary school, and his academic performance is not bad, he is among the top five in his class.But there is a big problem with him: timidity.There are many things that I know I can do well, but I just dare not try.

Junjun’s English grades are good. I remember one time, the school held an English competition. It was a test for children with better English grades in several classes to see which child had better English grades, and he could focus on training in the future.I was very happy to hear this news, and thought it was a good opportunity to prove Junjun's strength, so I hoped that Junjun would participate.Even if the grades are not ideal, you can find the gap with others.

When I told him my thoughts, I thought he would readily agree, but I didn't expect him to say "no" and "it's embarrassing for me to fail the exam"...

Is Junjun's English score so bad?I called his English teacher to find out.The answer I got was: Junjun's English scores are very good, and he is fully capable of participating in this competition.As long as you play normally, you can at least get the top three.

Since he has the strength, why doesn't Junjun participate?Later, his English teacher told me: "Junjun's English scores are indeed good, but he is too timid to even sign up. You can discuss it with him. If he agrees to participate, I will help him sign up." As a result, I discussed with him again and again, but he still didn't agree, and lost a great opportunity to prove his strength.

"Why is this kid so timid?" During a chat, I talked about this with my colleagues.My colleague thought for a while and told me: "Junjun may not be timid, but low self-esteem. To be honest, I was in a similar situation to him when I was young. Now I understand that I am not timid, but low self-esteem. I am afraid of taking the exam. No, he was ridiculed. You go back and ask him if that's the case."

As a result, what Junjun and his colleagues said was very similar.

"Then how should we help him adjust?" I asked my colleague, "What should we parents do?"

"First of all, don't put too much emphasis on grades, rankings, etc., which will cause a lot of psychological pressure on him. You should set some small goals for him, as long as he achieves, reward him, so that he can gain self-confidence and recognize himself. able to succeed."

In the days that followed, I looked for every opportunity to explain these points of view with Junjun, told him what is real success, and shared with him every happiness after achieving small goals.

Gradually, Junjun became "bold" and his inferiority complex gradually decreased.

7. Miaomiao desperately trying to cover up her shortcomings

——Use the "sweet lemon" effect to improve self-confidence

Miao Miao is a beautiful little girl, she is only 5 years old this year, and she is in the top class of kindergarten.Although she is young, she is very sensitive to her own shortcomings, and always tries her best to cover them up in front of others.

I remember one time, my mother took her to a friend's house as a guest. The friend's house also had a child who was about the same age as Miao Miao. Miao Miao called him little brother.Mom said to Miao Miao: "Didn't you say that you learned a nursery rhyme in the kindergarten a few days ago? Let us listen to it now. If the little brother can't, you can teach him to sing, okay?"

"Okay." Miao Miao agreed.

Miao Miao sang very seriously, but she misremembered the words in some places and got out of tune.

"We have also taught this song in kindergarten, and I can sing it too." The little brother said after Miao Miao finished singing.

"Really, can you sing it too?" Miao Miao's mother said to him.

"Miaomiao's word is wrong, it doesn't sound good." The little brother said solemnly.

"No, that's how it's sung. Our teacher taught it that way, and it's also sung like that on the tape. If you don't believe me, you can listen to it." Miao Miao, who was questioned, looked unwilling to show weakness.

"It's just a wrong song, it's a wrong song." The little brother was not to be outdone.

"I didn't sing well because my throat is uncomfortable today..." Miao Miao began to make excuses.

……

At the end of the quarrel, Miao Miao burst into tears.Although this problem is not big, it reflects another problem, Miao Miao is unwilling to admit her shortcomings.When others pointed it out for her, she would try her best to cover it up.

"Why is Miao Miao so perfectionistic?" Miao Miao's mother felt very strange.

Is Miao Miao really a perfectionist?

Case in-depth analysis
of course not.Miao Miao, this is a sign of lack of self-confidence, an exposure of inferiority complex.She dared not face up to herself and accept herself.

In fact, many children have this situation. For example, some children do not want others to say that they are not good, do not want others to mention their shortcomings, avoid competition or competition, do not want to express themselves in front of others, and do not want their shortcomings to be exposed. Others find out etc.

Generally speaking, children around the age of 3 already have the sense of judgment of "good" and "bad". When they realize that they have shortcomings, they will try their best to cover them up so as not to be discovered by others. 80% of children can face up to their own shortcomings when they are around 9 years old, while the other 20% of children are unwilling to face up to, and dare not face up to, until they reach adulthood.This is the factor that causes children to have low self-esteem.

So why are these children so sensitive to shortcomings that they develop an inferiority complex?
(1) Due to wrong comparison.

Because some children have been criticized by others, they feel incompetent in front of others and feel that they are inferior to others, so they will try their best to cover up their shortcomings to avoid being discovered by others.The reason for this situation is likely to be related to the fact that parents like to compare their children with others.All aspects of children can be included in the comparison scope of parents, such as grades, talents, behaviors, etc. Parents think that such comparison can stimulate children's self-motivation, but they don't realize that this is a great harm to children's psychology.

(2) Lack of self.

Everyone has strengths and weaknesses, but many children don't know this and always like to compare themselves with others.In this kind of comparison, children tend to lose themselves, and when they see what others are like, they want to be what they want to be.And when you see that others have advantages that you don't have, you will take the method of covering up the shortcomings.Obviously, it is precisely because of the lack of self that the child becomes lost and upset.

psychologist advice
Every child has a motivated heart, and they also have their own expectations and ideal goals.If the ideal is not achieved, the child will also be depressed, and will try to change this situation.Unfortunately, some kids take the negative route: cover up.In fact, doing so will only make yourself more inferior, but it has no practical significance.

Psychologists tell us that if we want to change this bad psychology of children, we should use the "sweet lemon" effect. The "sweet lemon" effect is that your own lemon is sweet. "Sweet Lemon" means that what you have and cannot get rid of is good, and you must learn to accept yourself.Everyone has advantages, has their own strengths, and everyone has their own characteristics, so don't easily say that you are not good here, not good there.In real life, many children look down on themselves, reject themselves, do not accept themselves, and even change themselves blindly because of their own shortcomings or lack of the same advantages as others.There is no doubt that the consequences of children falling into such a psychological trap will be disastrous.

So how should parents guide and change?

(1) Guide children to stop complaining.

Don't think that if the child doesn't say that this place is bad and that place is not good, it means that the child has not complained.In fact, children's reluctance to admit shortcomings and cover up shortcomings is a form of complaint.Parents can tell their children when guiding: "Shortcomings are not for hiding, but should be corrected. As long as you actively correct your shortcomings, your confidence will improve."

(2) Let the child accept the shortcomings.

Tell your children that everyone has flaws.If you feel that this shortcoming cannot be corrected for the time being, you should know how to accept it instead of rejecting it.As long as children know this, there is no reason why they cannot face themselves and accept themselves because of their shortcomings, shortcomings, mistakes and failures.

Stone of Other Mountains
Mother's name: Zou Hong

Occupation: trainer
Daughter's name: Lily, 5 and a half years old
Lily is due to start elementary school soon.This is a good thing, but I am always worried: "Can Lily adapt to the primary school environment? Now the competition is so fierce, can she bear it?"

I'm not worrying unfoundedly, but because of one point: Lily has a good face and low self-esteem.She is always not confident in herself, and she doesn't want others to talk about her shortcomings and deficiencies. When others say it, she will cry and insist on others changing her words.

At that time, the kindergarten held a painting competition with the title "My ××".The topic Lily chose was "My Grandma".She showed it to me after she finished drawing, and I thought it was very good, so I asked her to hand it over.

But the next day, Lily came back crying.

When her paintings were exhibited, the children pointed out their shortcomings: uneven coloring due to carelessness.Some naughty children also laughed at her carelessness.Although Lily kept defending herself, the children were still laughing at her.Because of this, every time Lily drew a picture afterwards, she was "in fear", for fear that something might go wrong and be ridiculed.Moreover, she did not dare to take out her paintings for others to appreciate.

"Lily may have developed an inferiority complex." Lily's father told me.

"Maybe, what should I do then?"

"It is said on the Internet that in order for Lily to accept her shortcomings, her parents must help correct them."

Although it is very simple on the Internet, I still did what it said through my own understanding.

When Lily was painting, I told her: "You are a little careless, but you can't cover it up, you have to correct it. It's like a thorn in your body, you can't cover it with clothes, but put it on Unplug it. Is it?"

After hearing what I said, Lily was a little confused.But I didn't give up, and slowly helped her correct when she was drawing, doing homework, and doing things.Later, I talked to her about topics such as "accepting myself" and "face up to myself".Slowly, Lily understood and followed suit.

Now, Lily's inferiority complex has been well adjusted.

(End of this chapter)