Learn about child psychology every day 2: Before the age of 8, you can help your child acquire a goo

Chapter 30 How to teach a delicate baby? (1)
In life, there are always many children who are very fragile and coquettish, unable to see criticism from others, and unable to accept negation from others.If someone speaks a little louder, it will also scare them into crying.Faced with such a child, parents must not let it go, they should actively guide and change it, so that the child can understand how to accept setbacks and become strong.

baby strength test

Whether a child is strong enough cannot be judged only by whether the child often cries, but the most important thing is their mental health. They can face setbacks and accept the reality of failure.If you don't have a definite answer, give your child a test.

1. Does your child cry a lot if they don’t get what they want?

A. will not B. will

2. If his toy was snatched away by a child, would he dare to ask for it back?

A. dare B. dare not
3. Does your child cry when being wronged?
A. will not B. will

4. Is your child often bullied by other children?

A. No B. Yes
5. Do you feel that you or your family dote on your children?

A. No B. Yes
6. Is your child a "very good" child?
A. No B. Yes
7. Does your child have willful bad habits?
A. No B. Yes

8. During the game, does your child cry when they lose?

A. will not B. will

Now, please count your options and test results:

"Super fragile" child: In the test answer, when item A appears 0-2 times, it means that your child is a complete "porcelain doll" with a very fragile heart and very delicate.As long as something unhappy happens, he will cry loudly.No matter how small things were, he would still cry.For such children, it is very necessary to guide.

"Ordinary fragile" children: In the test answers, when item A appears 3 to 5 times, it means that your child has a tendency to be fragile and delicate.Although this phenomenon is not serious for the time being, guidance is also needed.The earlier you lead, the better.

"Non-vulnerable" children: In the test answer, when item A appears 6-8 times, congratulations, your child is very strong. For him, he doesn't know what "squeamishness" is, and he doesn't even understand why Many children cry at every turn.

1. Cry misty when you lose

——Children can't afford to lose, how can parents guide

On weekend afternoons, Mengmeng sat on the ground and played backgammon with her mother.Although Mengmeng is not very good at playing, he is very interested in this game, and whenever he has time, he clamors to "kill a game" with his mother.In order to cultivate Mengmeng's "chess skills", my mother "challenges" whenever she has time.

But playing chess with Mengmeng, but he couldn't "win", even if he let him, he couldn't let him see the flaw.Because once he lost, he would lose his temper and cry, as if he had been beaten up.

One day, Mengmeng asked her mother to play chess with him again.But at that time there were guests at home, and my mother was busy cooking and had no time to play with him.The little cousin who happened to be a guest said to play with him, so Mengmeng happily set up the chessboard and played against the little cousin.

But in less than 10 minutes, Mengmeng burst into tears, yelling "I will never play with my cousin again", "My cousin is bullying others", "My cousin is cheating".

Mom is very strange, the little cousin is very sensible, how could he bully him?He asked Mengmeng: "Tell mom, why did little cousin bully you?"

"He...he just bullies me and always won't let me win. I think he wins me on purpose." Mengmeng said, sobbing.

It turned out that Mengmeng was always losing in chess, so he felt that his little cousin was bullying him, crying and crying endlessly, until his little cousin deliberately lost to him twice, he stopped crying.

This kind of thing has happened many times, so every time my mother plays chess with Mengmeng, she will deliberately lose to him a few times, otherwise he will cry again.

Why did Mengmeng cry when he lost?

Case in-depth analysis
Mengmeng likes to play chess, but can't afford to lose.Once he loses, he will either be depressed and angry, or cry and make a fuss, thinking that others are playing with him.This is a manifestation of the child's psychological fragility.

In addition, psychologically fragile children also show that they are competitive and want to win everything.If other people get the first place, they will either be sullen or give up on themselves.

Most children between the ages of 3 and 9 are psychologically fragile and can already realize what is losing and what is winning, but it is difficult for them to deal with winning and losing rationally.As long as you encounter things that don't suit your heart, you will cry and make a fuss.

Psychologists believe that psychological vulnerability is a normal part of growing up.This shows that children's "awareness of discrimination" and "awareness of winning and losing" are improving.No matter what, children always hope to be better than others, and to be recognized by the people around them.

So why do these kids "can't afford to lose"?In addition to the improvement of "discrimination consciousness" and "winning and losing consciousness", what other reasons make him psychologically vulnerable?
(1) Poor frustration resistance.

Children have poor resistance to frustration in infancy.Children with poor frustration tolerance cannot accept failure. Once they fail, their psychological defenses will collapse, and they will cry and feel restless.The reason why children have poor frustration resistance is mostly related to the parent's always using admiring education methods, and children who are often praised and seldom receive criticism tend to have poor frustration resistance.

(2) The EQ of accepting and recognizing others is not high.

Can't afford to lose is often a manifestation of not being able to see the advantages of others, which shows that these children's emotional intelligence in accepting and recognizing others is not high, which is also one of the reasons why children can't afford to lose.

psychologist advice
Competitive and eager to win, full of joy when you win, and cry when you lose.If your child often has these behaviors, you need to pay more attention, because such children have low resistance to frustration and cannot accept failure.

In daily life, parents should let children who cannot afford to lose understand that everyone will encounter some setbacks and difficulties, and winning or losing is normal.At the same time, be careful not to criticize the child too much, and not to hurt the child's self-esteem.Especially for children around 3 years old, because at this time children's self-awareness is gradually increasing, but their self-regulation ability is poor, and their self-esteem is easily hurt.

In addition to being careful not to be too critical, parents can also use the following methods to help children enhance their resistance to frustration and cultivate their correct sense of competition:

(1) Let children learn to accept others.

Parents can often talk about other people's strengths. For example, they can often tell their children when chatting: "×× children have ×× advantages." "You can learn ×× strengths from ×× children." Teach children to recognize Accept others and accept others, thus changing the fragile psychology of "can't afford to lose".

(2) Help children establish a correct concept of winning and losing.

When playing and competing with your child, don't let him deliberately take care of his emotions.You know, you may just want to play with your child, but the child treats this game as a real competition.You have to let your children understand a truth through these games: there are winners and losers in games, which is normal.If you don't want to lose, you have to work harder.

(3) Empathy effect.

When a child "can't afford to lose", parents can't make fun of the child, and should look at the problem from the child's perspective.For example, tell the child "Yes, it's a pity that you lost", "If it were me, I would be unhappy", "I think you did a good job, except that the ending was not so good".On the premise of emotional approval, slowly let the children accept the reality of winning or losing.

Stone of Other Mountains
Mother's name: Wang Meng

Occupation: Makeup artist
Son's name: Ranran, 6 years old

Ranran recently started to like playing football.Once, several children in the community made an appointment to play football at a nearby school field.I happened to be fine that day, so I followed suit.

Ran Ran was rushing to be the goalkeeper, and even saved a few good shots.He sang and danced triumphantly, and even yelled for me to take pictures of him with his mobile phone.

But the battle situation took a turn for the worse, and not long after, the gate of Ranran's "guard" was breached six degrees.

But now he quit. Without saying a word, he threw the ball, ran to me crying and said, "Playing football is not fun, I won't play it anymore! Let's go home!"

Obviously, Ran Ran said that because she couldn't afford to lose.

I wiped away my tears for him, and instead of going home in a hurry, I asked him, "Why? Didn't you have a good time just now?"

Ran Ran was full of grievances: "They bullied me, I won't play with them anymore."

"Really?" I looked at Ranran seriously, "But I didn't see them bullying you. Are they really good? Didn't you catch several balls just now? It's amazing!"

Ran Ran not to be outdone: "So, I have no reason to lose, they must have done it on purpose, causing me to concede six goals."

I smiled and said, "That's such a pity. If we play again, how do you think we can't let them score?"

"Run faster!" Ran Ran replied.

"Then when you play next time, just run faster?"

Ran Ran muttered, "That's right!"

"Then Ranran, do you want to play again? It's not good to just lose!" I took the opportunity to inspire Ranran.

Ran Ran nodded: "I think, I will definitely win this time!"

In this way, Ranran "dressed up" again.Although the gate was breached several times due to lack of energy, he didn't cry anymore.It seems that Ranran's mentality of "can't afford to lose" has changed.

2. Yueyue who can't bear the criticism

——Help children get out of eggshell psychology
Yueyue became obsessed with playing the piano recently, so her mother enrolled her in a piano interest class.

"It's very good. As long as she is willing to play, I must buy her a piano." Mom said happily to the neighbor.

"But I'm afraid that the child's interest is not long, and he doesn't want to learn anymore after studying for a few days." The neighbor replied with a smile.

In fact, as the neighbor expected, Yueyue didn't want to learn anymore after less than a month of learning. Every day she practiced the piano half-heartedly, pressing a key here and a key there.

"Yueyue has been absent-minded recently, not as diligent as when she first came here." The teacher who taught her to practice the piano also said the same.

It was the teacher's criticism that made Yueyue feel "very wronged", and burst into tears in front of many children.When I got home at night, I announced that I would never practice piano again.No matter how her family tried to persuade her, she just didn't agree. Obviously, the teacher's criticism made her angry.

Why is Yueyue so angry?

Case in-depth analysis
After receiving only a few criticisms, Yueyue became angry and didn't want to practice piano anymore.The reason why she is so angry is because she was influenced by the "eggshell psychology". "Eggshell psychology" means that the heart is very fragile, just like an eggshell that can be broken at any touch.The specific manifestations are: some children can only listen to praise, but not the slightest objection; some children are arrogant in appearance, fragile in heart, sensitive and suspicious; If you follow suit, there will be extreme actions, even committing suicide...

Psychologists believe that the reason for the "eggshell psychology" is that children's psychological characteristics are generally closed. In addition, children nowadays are often only children and lack the space to socialize with their peers, so they are prone to personality defects .

In addition to these two reasons, what other reasons will cause children to have "eggshell psychology"?

(1) Bad label effect.

Parents have too high expectations for their children, and once the children behave badly, they will beat and scold them, saying "why are you so stupid", which is easy to label the children with bad labels and make them think they are stupid.If the parents are always like this, over time, the child will easily develop an inferiority complex and a fragile personality, and eventually appear "eggshell psychology".

(2) Excessive praise.

Parents like to praise their children frequently, such as always telling their children "you are the smartest", "you are the best", "you are so amazing".Once children believe it, they think that they are the smartest and best, so that they cannot tolerate others being smarter than themselves, and they cannot tolerate their occasional lagging behind.When the cruel reality is in front of us, the "eggshell psychology" is revealed.

(3) Caused by arrogance and doting.

The most direct reason for this kind of psychology is that parents are overly pampering and doting on their children, and they are reluctant to criticize and discipline them.There are also many parents who do not want their children to suffer.If children who have never experienced hardships encounter setbacks, it will be difficult to face them, and of course they will not be able to accept criticism.

psychologist advice
"Eggshell psychology" is a kind of bad psychology, which is a manifestation of children's inner fragility. "Eggshell psychology" will affect the formation of children's good personality, so parents need to guide them well.

When a child encounters setbacks and is frustrated or loses his temper, parents should not help him solve the problem immediately, but guide him to find the cause of the difficulty, and then let him solve it by himself.Doing so can allow children to experience more sense of accomplishment and self-confidence, and exercise children's ability to solve problems independently.

In addition, parents can also start from the following aspects to help children stay away from eggshell psychology:

(1) Improve children's resistance to frustration.

Children's lack of resistance to frustration is the main reason for the formation of "eggshell psychology".If you want to improve your child's resistance to frustration, you should learn to let your child solve some problems by himself, such as toys being robbed, building blocks collapsing, and books being lost.In addition, when adults play games with children, don't often deliberately lose to children. When appropriate, you can play some games that reward you for losing.Use this method to balance the child's mentality that he can't afford to lose.Of course, the premise of the reward is to ask the child to summarize the reasons for the loss.

(2) "Creating frustration" method.

As a parent, instead of helping your child resolve setbacks, you should create some for your child.Let children learn to maintain self-confidence in adversity, learn to be optimistic in the face of setbacks, and take it calmly.For example, deliberately not meeting the child's request, saying "no" loudly to the child, refusing the child's request, etc.

Stone of Other Mountains
Father's name: Zeng Mingbin
Occupation: Police

Son's name: Junjun, 7 years old

I am a policeman and I am busy every day, so I rarely have time to spend with my son.Now he is 7 years old, and it is estimated that the time I spent with him in the past 7 years is less than one month.It may be the lack of fatherly love that caused Junjun to develop an "eggshell mentality", crying when encountering problems, and never solving them.

I remember one time, he made an agreement with his mother that if he could get in the top three in the midterm exam, his mother would buy him a complete set of Transformers and a pair of skates.

(End of this chapter)