Learn about child psychology every day 2: Before the age of 8, you can help your child acquire a goo

Chapter 5 The child became a coward (4)
Today is the weekend, Wang Xiaoli took Xiaogang to the supermarket to buy things.After shopping, Wang Xiaoli wanted to go to the bathroom, so she said to Xiaogang, "Xiaogang, mom is going to the bathroom, you can wait for mom outside and watch the delicious food we bought, okay?"

"No, Mom, I want to go in with you!"

"But Mom is going to the women's bathroom! Xiaogang is a man, and the aunts will laugh at you when you go in!"

"No, I'm going in! Where is mom going, where am I going!"

"Where is mom going, where is Xiaogang going?"

"Mom, I'm afraid!"

"What is Xiaogang afraid of? It's daytime, and besides, there are no big bad wolves that eat people here!"

"I don't know... I want to talk to my mother!"

Seeing that Xiaogang was holding her hand tightly, Wang Xiaoli looked like the world would be the end of the world without his mother, so she took Xiaogang into the women's bathroom.

"What's wrong with Xiaogang, is he timid and afraid of getting into trouble?" Wang Xiaoli discussed with her husband while sleeping at night, looking at her sleeping son.

Case in-depth analysis
Xiaogang's behavior seems to be timid, but what is the relationship between timidity and love to eat fingers?Now, let us analyze the problem of eating hands first.

Judging from the characteristics of children's growth, it is a very normal behavior for children to eat their fingers during their development.Psychologists believe that finger-eating will make children develop skills. For example, children can exercise their brain and limb muscles by eating fingers and chewing toys.Therefore, parents don't have to worry too much if children eat their fingers before the age of 2, because this behavior will naturally disappear with age.

But if the child is still eating fingers at the age of 3, parents should pay attention, because eating fingers at this time may be due to lack of security.If parents are busy with work and have no time to accompany their children, the children will use finger-eating to comfort themselves.Xiao Gang in this article loves to eat his fingers, and that may be the case.

In addition to his fondness for eating fingers, Xiaogang also has another bad behavior, that is, he often says "I'm afraid".Is the child afraid of being timid?Rather than saying that children are timid, it is better to say that children lack a sense of security.

Why do children feel insecure?

Psychologists believe that in the process of growing up, children not only need material care from their parents, but also family affection and psychological safety.Because of this need for security, children cling when they feel insecure, becoming strongly attached to their parents or other caregivers.This attachment is formed during the interaction and emotional exchange between infants and parents or caregivers.

Children lack a sense of security, usually due to the effects of adverse environments.

(1) Subject to physical and psychological abuse.

A lot of parents bring home emotions from work all the time.For example, if things don’t go well in the company, you don’t give your child a good face when you go home, and vent your anger on the child.In this way, parents inflict frustration on their children through physical and psychological abuse.This can make children in need feel insecure.

(2) Not recognized.

Children most want to be recognized and appreciated by their parents.But in real life, many parents have no fixed standard for judging children's behavior.When you are happy, no matter how poor your child is, it is good; when you are unhappy, no matter how good your child is, it is wrong.Living in this environment, most children lack a sense of security.

(3) The way parents love their children is inappropriate.

There are no parents who do not love their children, but sometimes, the way parents love their children makes the children feel unloved.For example, some parents rarely praise their children, but always praise other people's children, and they do so in front of their own children.This will make the child misunderstand: "Mom and Dad love other children, not me." It will make the child feel insecure and jealous of the praised child.

In addition, if there are problems within the family, such as parental discord, separation, divorce, or the death of one parent, it can make children feel intimidated and insecure.

psychologist advice
In the process of growing up, people have various needs, among which the need for a sense of security is particularly important.Especially for infants and young children, parents need to take care of them more.

From the perspective of child psychology, children before the age of 3 are in the critical period of parent-child relationship attachment. This time is an important moment to build love, trust and a sense of security.At this time, parents must pay attention to observe the children's various performances.If children lack a sense of security, they will have a series of psychological problems such as timidity, fear of others, sensitivity, introversion, social reluctance, extremes, and stubbornness. The specific problems are analyzed as follows.

(1) "Fetish addiction".

The so-called "fetish addiction" refers to the uneasy behavior of leaving a certain companion.According to the survey, more than 3% of children around the age of [-] will be "addicted" to such things as small quilts, small pillows, flannel bears, and familiar bath towels.Why?Of course, it is because parents care less about their children and think that it is enough to buy delicious and fun things for their children.As a result, the child is often alone, so that he has to seek some object as a spiritual comfort to get a sense of security.

(2) "Afraid" or "shy".

In the case, Xiao Gang always said "I'm afraid", which is a manifestation of lack of security.In addition, if parents find that their children are shy or cynical, they need to pay more attention, because such children also lack a sense of security.If some children love to talk and sing at home, they will become different individuals when they arrive in kindergarten.When the teacher was talking to him, he didn't dare to look up at the teacher, looking at a loss.This is the lack of security in front of the teacher.

(3) Strong desire to attack.

Many children love to beat others, have aggressive behavior, and beat children or family members at every turn. This is also an instinctive self-protection reaction due to lack of security.

If parents find that their children lack a sense of security, they can refer to the following methods to care for their children and help them with psychological counseling.

(1) Appreciate the incentive method.

For children, be more tolerant. When children do wrong things, they should blame less; if they do good things, they should praise and appreciate more.Pay attention to how your own child responds when you praise other children in front of your child.If the child pouts, it means that the love for the child has not been given to the point.For such children, parents should pay more attention, and it is best to have more competitions with their children, such as eating competitions and sweeping competitions, so that children can win more and lose less.At the same time, encourage the children more, such as competing with the children, the children did not cry when they lost, and encourage the children to let them learn to be strong.

(2) Game law.

Usually, parents can play games with their children. They can use toys to represent father, mother, and children, and guide children to express their true thoughts in the game.If the child has bad emotions, let the child tell why he is angry and why he is unhappy, and use this as an opportunity to guide him so that the child can feel the love of his parents.

(3) Use the caress effect skillfully.

Often, when a child is in a bad mood, hugging is the best way to stabilize a child's mood.So, when a child feels upset, such as breaking a cup, parents can first hug or stroke his back.This is a positive hint to the child: Although I have done something wrong, my mother still loves me.Of course, when the child dare not sleep alone, you can also give the child a hug.

Stone of Other Mountains
Mother's name: Yang Ruge
Occupation: Company Manager

Daughter's name: Wenwen, 5 years old

My daughter Wenwen is a 5-year-old girl. She is very, very beautiful and can sing and dance. Her friends and family love her very much.But recently, I discovered that Wenwen has a shortcoming, that is, he likes to beat people.When you are with familiar children, you will put up airs with them at every turn.But when she was with unfamiliar children, she immediately changed into a different person, and she dared not speak loudly, even if someone robbed her of her toys, she dared not say anything.

Now she is in the big class of kindergarten. Whenever the teacher asks a question, she is always afraid to raise her hand.And when the teacher asked questions by name, she always stuttered and did not answer fluently at all.

Today, Liangliang, a child of a colleague, came to my house to play, but her performance was disappointing.

"Wenwen, go play with Liangliang!"

"No!"

"Liangliang, come and play with my sister!"

"Row!"

After the two children played for less than 5 minutes, Wenwen started to light up. Of course, Liangliang was not to be outdone. As a result, both children cried.

"Sorry!" When my colleague left, I had to apologize to him.

"Hehe, it's okay, it's normal for children to fight!"

"Normal? My classmate said that Wenwen lacks a sense of security!"

"Well, when did you send Wenwen to kindergarten?"

"2 years old!"

"2 years old? Sending a child to kindergarten at such a young age certainly lacks a sense of security! Children are afraid of getting hurt, so they tend to over-defend and naturally have a strong desire to attack."

"What should I do?"

"Don't worry, you just need to spend more time with the child, give the child more freedom, and recognize and appreciate her more!"

Since there is a way to correct it, of course I have to practice it.Since then, whenever I have time, I will accompany my children to the park and pay attention to some small details.For example, while praising other people's children, I also do not forget to praise Wenwen; when Wenwen hits a child again, I will tell her: "Don't hit the child, the child is not robbing you, just want to play for a while. You can also play Toys in the hands of children, exchange and play with him."

Hard work pays off, after my efforts, the child is much bolder than before.The teacher asked questions and dared to raise his hand to speak.

6. Cry as soon as I enter kindergarten
——Separation anxiety or poor sense of security
Haohao is 3 years old and has reached the age of kindergarten.Hao Hao's mother felt that she could relax a little.But she found that Haohao didn't want to go to kindergarten.As soon as he walked in the direction of the kindergarten, Haohao began to cry non-stop, crying and shouting: "Don't! Mom, don't go to kindergarten, don't..."

At the beginning, Haohao's mother just thought that Haohao might just admit his new life and didn't want to contact children, but now that half the semester has passed, Haohao is still the same. Whenever he said that he would go to kindergarten, he would cry desperately, almost Every morning there will be a "big battle".

Haohao, what's the matter?Hao Hao's mother couldn't figure it out.

For this reason, Haohao’s mother has often communicated with the teacher, and the kindergarten teacher also reported that Haohao is more shy of strangers. Every time in the activity class, other children play happily together in twos and threes, but Haohao hides from the teacher alone. Behind him, he was unwilling to join it.

Hao Hao's mother felt very strange: Why would a child who seems to be very bold usually not want to go to kindergarten, and why would he not want to play with children?Is Haohao really a timid child?Hao Hao's mother was very distressed.

Case in-depth analysis
Crying as soon as he enters kindergarten, on the surface, the child may be timid or dependent and cannot do without his parents, but if we look deeper, there may be other reasons.Such as the child does not adapt to the kindergarten environment, or has separation anxiety with the parents.And this kind of separation anxiety is usually a manifestation of the child's lack of security.

Generally speaking, children who lack a sense of security will feel nervous, restless, and anxious as soon as they leave a safe environment, such as crying as soon as they enter kindergarten.

Why is this so?It's normal.Generally speaking, children aged 3 to 4 are usually with their parents.And suddenly leave their parents to live in an unfamiliar environment, the sense of security will naturally be seriously lacking, and fear will arise.The specific manifestations are often crying, holding on to the mother, crying to find the mother after entering the kindergarten, and wanting to go home.

Some parents also said, my children have been in kindergarten for more than a year, why are they still crying?Such children may still be insecure.For example, although I have been in kindergarten for a period of time, I still have not established a sense of security in kindergarten.This may be related to being bullied by children in kindergarten or being scolded by teachers.In addition, due to illness, leave and other reasons, the child has not been to kindergarten for a period of time, and has a strange feeling about the kindergarten and lacks a sense of security.

Lack of security exists in many children.If the parents do not give correct guidance, the child is likely to get used to this psychological environment, and it is very likely that he will really become a "coward".Of course, if you want to guide children correctly, you must first understand why they lack a sense of security.In general, the following reasons are more common.

(1) Improper parenting methods.

When children get along with their parents, many parents have poor education methods.For example, some mothers often say things like "if you are disobedient, just let you stay here", "if you cry again, mother will not want you", "if you are disobedient, mother will beat you".The mother said such words to make the child obedient, but it was these words that caused a certain degree of psychological harm to the child.After the parent says these words, the child may be sullen for a long time.

(2) Parents spend less time with their children.

Parents do not have time to take care of their children, so they arrange nanny or grandparents to take care of them.From a psychological point of view, 0 to 3 years old is a critical period for children to establish a sense of security, but many children stay away from the source of their sense of security for a long time during this period—mother.The less time spent together, the less affection children get from their parents.This is also one of the important factors leading to a lack of security.

(3) Doting too much on children.

Parents who spend less time with their children will cause children to lack a sense of security, which many parents can understand.As everyone knows, parents and children spend too much time together and give children too much doting, which will also cause a lack of sense of security.Because although the child has accepted these spoils, his heart has not really been tempered, and he doesn't know what it feels like to be away from his parents. It has become a habit to be with his parents.When it comes to breaking these habits, crying is naturally unavoidable.

psychologist advice
Does your child start crying as soon as he enters kindergarten?At this time, do you scold your child for being timid or dependent?
If you do this often, you need to reflect on your behavior.Psychologists believe that if a good sense of security is not established between the ages of 0 and 7, the child's psychology will be affected.And if parents don't ask about it, they may become "timid children".Such children are usually afraid to try new things and lack courage.

How can we give children a sense of security?
(End of this chapter)