The happiest woman who understands her husband

Chapter 35 The Revolution on the Bite of the Tongue: How to Communicate with the Silent Husband (1)
Men communicate by "talking", women communicate by "feeling"

Men need to communicate before they feel good, and women need to feel good before they are willing to communicate.

In the process of getting along with men and women, men think that if they have dissatisfaction, they should speak out, so that the other party can know, and there is no need to guess. It is a bridge of goodwill communication.

Women are not used to venting out any dissatisfaction, and often take a tolerant attitude first in order not to destroy feelings and relationships.Women are not used to expressing emotions with words. Women think that if a man really cares, he will not be able to detect a woman's dissatisfaction at all, even if he doesn't say it, he should know it; but if the man is not careful enough, it is possible There is a crisis.

The biggest obstacle for couples to communicate is the difference in language, and they are unwilling to give in to each other's language. As a result, they don't even have the will to communicate.

Men often regard women's complaints as "fault reporting" to eliminate, while women often regard men's complaints as "transferring love" to symbolize.

Men always regard women's complaints as dissatisfaction with their own shortcomings, thinking that as long as these shortcomings are corrected, the problem can be solved and the relationship will not be affected.Women often regard a man's complaint as a symbol of "no longer loving me", and then begin to wonder whether he is "no longer attractive", or whether the other party has a new love.No wonder so many women believe they can grab a man by grabbing his stomach, get plastic surgery or spend tens of thousands of dollars in beauty salons to win his attention.

Men's ignorance lies in thinking that correcting their behavior can restore a woman's wounded feelings. In fact, the most effective way to heal the wound is to create a sweet touch, rather than swearing that "this time will not be an example."And women's innocence lies in thinking that by dressing themselves up like wild flowers, men will not pick wild flowers. In fact, sometimes men's love of the new and dislike of the old is not because they really want to start a new stove, but to prove that there are still people who want to... At this time, the more one Crying and making troubles are often more likely to backfire.

Men and women are born with different behavior patterns in the emotional world.When a man cools down his enthusiasm after marriage and turns from romance to a rational life, women begin to open their hearts and prepare to enjoy romance...

Unless you don't believe in marriage for the rest of your life, instead of waiting for God to bring you a miracle, you might as well learn to recognize His real way of communicating with you.

Why are men's preferences for talking significantly weaker than women's

There are plenty of jokes among men about women talking, and women complaining to each other about their men's reluctance to communicate.

There are two obvious signs of the evolution from apes to humans, one is the use of tools, and the other is the use of language, so language has a special meaning for humans.So, is the first sentence of human beings spoken by a man or a woman?If you ask a theologian, he will say that there was Adam first, and of course the man spoke first; if you ask a feminist, she will say that it was a matriarchal society, and of course the woman spoke first; A sociologist, he will tell you that this question is untestable.

Since origins cannot be traced back, we might as well ask the question of the end: If humanity is doomed, who will speak the last word of humanity?Sociologists can't get an answer to this question, but if the answerer is a married man, he will tell you with certainty: the last one to shut up must be a woman.Except for the nagging Tang Seng, compared with women, men are obviously much less fond of talking. What is the reason for this?

1. Men talk less, because they speak every word
Talking can give people the pleasure of talking, but also needs to bear the responsibility of "keeping your word". Generally speaking, men seem to take on this responsibility more.Men focus more on power and money, and need to use language to fight for a higher social status, instead of wasting their saliva on trivial matters.

Zhang Yi, a famous lobbyist during the Warring States period, was once frustrated by the princes, so he was scolded by his wife when he returned home.Since he is a lobbyist, Zhang Yi's verbal skill is of course very good, but he just opened his mouth to ask if his wife's tongue is still there.His wife said he was there, so Zhang Yi said, keep your tongue, you don't have to worry about running out of firewood, and then you don't quarrel with your wife anymore.

In fact, there are not a few men who can fly saliva and alcohol together at the dinner table, and many women find it strange for this reason.The reason is that talking is too much fun and too much responsibility for men, they have to use all their wisdom and energy to refine their language when they are out, and the silence after returning home is just to relax Just a moment.If a man has to strain his nerves and talk freely when he is at home, he will be tired and broken.

2. Men talk less because they have nothing to say
As we know, if a person does not eat crabs, there are often two possibilities: the first is that he is used to eating bear's paws and finds crabs unpalatable; the second is that he cannot afford crabs.

Corollary 1 discusses the first case, while Corollary 2 discusses the second case.There is an idiom called "silence is golden". In the previous article, we said that the purpose of men's speech is often for power and money. Logically, "speaking is golden", so why is there such an idiom?In fact, it is very simple. There are also high and low levels in the group of men. The words of the people above are valuable, but the words of the people below are not worth much.

To judge a man's status, just look at whether his words work or not.So a man needs to consider the risks before speaking: if what he says works, it will naturally improve his social status and his image in the eyes of women; but if his opinion is ignored, it will be a failure for him.Because the people at the top are always a minority, the result is that most men can only choose to remain silent.Maybe they have a thousand words they want to say, but they keep in mind the principle of "talking too much will make you lose". A man who is experiencing inner struggles is far less comfortable than a woman who speaks when she has something to say.

Silence is actually a sign of a man under pressure.There is also evidence for this inference in history. Isn’t the allusion of King Zhuang of Chu’s “three years of silence and a blockbuster” allusive?
A silent man may be a frustrated man, but he is definitely not a docile man.Maybe they are quietly accumulating strength, waiting for one day to explode.Today they will endure the "mouth humiliation", but once they gain power, they may turn around and bite people.Therefore, women should not only give understanding and support to silent men, but also have a little precaution.

3. Men talk less because they are used to silence
The above two inferences are to speculate on the psychology of men from the perspective of "revealing".As a man, the reason why I do this is entirely to leave a good impression on women-"men are very good at self-analysis".However, the relationship between the sexes is not actually a class contradiction, and men's love of silence may have nothing to do with the social structure.If we ask a man who is not very talkative why he is like this, he may tell you: "I like it!" Or someone's answer may be: "No reason, I am used to it." Because I don't know what is better than silence expression, so they choose to remain silent.Going back to our previous analogy, there is a third possibility for a person not to eat crabs, that is, he does not know that crabs can be eaten.So instead of asking men here why they are silent and what kind of conspiracy is hidden in their silence, we might as well try to let him experience the joy of talking.After all, crabs are delicious.

4. Men talk less because they want to avoid trouble

From a medical point of view, women are all "drifting thinking", that is, a thing, which is nothing at all, is normal. Once it enters a woman's thinking, she does not think about it positively, but grasps the key points in the whole incident. A small detail that made her suspicious, followed by a questioning of her husband.

And what men can't bear the most is suspicion, which has become a reason for men to remain silent.The man's assumption is that as long as he doesn't say anything and the woman doesn't notice, everything will be very simple. "Rather than saying that it will cause more trouble, let's not say it at all."Sometimes a man will make up a lie in an emergency, and sometimes he will try his best to hide something, such as drinking a few bottles of wine the night before, a beautiful female colleague came to the company, or the unit just issued an extra sum of money. subsidies, etc.

Dong Xiaoming and his wife have only been married for more than a year, and the silent problems they encountered are trivial.Mrs. Dong found that her husband seldom talked to her about the company's affairs like before, and occasionally he came back late, and he no longer explained the ins and outs clearly. It was useless to ask.She couldn't get a single word out of her husband's mouth. As the days went by, Mrs. Dong naturally became suspicious, and a feeling of distrust grew secretly between the young couple.

Sometimes a man doesn't want to tell his wife more, in order to prevent his wife from breaking the casserole and asking the end, and preventing her from transparently supervising and controlling him.In his opinion, without any clues for his wife to follow, his world can be much quieter.

If the wife's "sense of compression" to her husband is too strong, the man will inevitably exchange few words for space.Especially in crisis situations, men can be extremely self-closing.If the wife is nagging at this time, the man will be even more angry.

As for sensitive topics such as past relationships and sex, men often choose to keep silent out of good intentions.

Wives should remember one thing, a "tigress" who bosses her around, makes a fuss about nothing, and is full of imagination will never be able to exchange her husband for being "obedient and obedient".A smart and magnanimous woman will often grab a man's heart with her generosity and rationality, making him willing to bow his head and surrender, open the skylight and speak frankly.

If you talk about things in another way, the communication effect will be very different
Many women don't understand that when they are in love, when they smile for a Bomei, a man's words are like a torrent of water, but after getting married, when you go home, you want to chat with him, but he says you're tired; you talk to him about things at home, He perfunctorily hummed; even if you yelled at him, he would still go his own way—why did this rolling river dry up?There has long been a song called "Silence is Golden". When a man closes the door of his mouth, a woman will open a window of spiritual dialogue.

Communication always requires interaction between two parties. If only one person speaks, it will never be considered communication, let alone meaningful communication.Therefore, effective interaction, what you say and what you say is the prerequisite for successful communication.Women, if they want to achieve effective interaction with their husbands in the process of communication, they need to know how to use various methods in order to open his chatterbox.

If you want to let your husband speak, but also want to master and control the conversation yourself, then you have to learn to ask questions.Effective questioning can facilitate the conversation and make the expression between husband and wife more smooth.A decent and appropriate question can often arouse the husband's positive response and pleasant emotions.But don't underestimate asking questions, many of us don't really know how to start a conversation.

After Chen Xiang gave birth to a child, she became a full-time wife and devoted herself to raising her husband and raising her children at home.Every day when her husband comes back from get off work, in order to show her concern for him, she would ask with concern: "How is today?"

The husband will respond indifferently: "It's okay."

Next, both men seem to lose their desire to express themselves.

Such a question is too broad, and it seems that my husband can only answer a simple two words or a sentence, and the two of them have not formed an effective interaction.Moreover, questions like "how is it today" sound like random questions, not really wanting to know what's going on, so the answers are often perfunctory. If my husband has to answer such questions every day, he will definitely feel bored.

If Chen Xiang does it in a different way, the effect will be much better:

Chen Xiang can read newspapers and watch the news, and then ask some specific and open-ended questions on topics he is more familiar with when her husband is resting.After adopting this plan, Chen Xiang really stopped asking her husband questions such as "how?" Instead, she talked with her husband about the snacks she loved when she was a child, and these snacks have disappeared now.Chen Xiang's memories also aroused her husband's infinite nostalgia. The two talked for a long time, and they were very happy.Finally, the husband gave Chen Xiang a light kiss and said to her, "Honey, you are so charming today!"

There is another example:
In order to celebrate the first wedding anniversary with her husband, He Jie wanted to show her own opinion, so when her husband wanted to eat at a restaurant, she immediately suggested: "I think it would be good to go to that Korean restaurant, right?"

"……All right."

What He Jie asked was a typical leading question, and the other party seemed to be able to agree with her instead of discussing with her.Other examples include: "Two hours of TV every night is enough, what do you think?" "It's late, so you don't go out. How about it?"

If Hejie is aware of her desire to control, she can correct it like this:
"I like to eat barbecue, and you like to eat shabu-shabu, why don't we listen to you first this time? Then listen to mine next time?"

When my husband heard this, he would be happy and quickly said, "No need. This time, your wish will be fulfilled."

(End of this chapter)