no-complaint marriage

Chapter 24 Marriage Preservative - Reflection (1)
1. Marriage cannot be held too tightly

With marriage, there is a home, a home that belongs to both husband and wife.No matter how hard and tired you are outside, once you return to your own space, you will be released.Love can be intense and move the world, but marriage is a long-term existence in which the left hand and the right hand support each other. When you realize the meaning of marriage to yourself, you must have understood the true meaning of marriage at that time, and you will cherish it even more. Take care of it.On the road of marriage, the husband and wife have learned to reflect—operate together, grow together, and learn the lessons of humility, tolerance, respect, strength, responsibility, and cherishing together, all of which will make the wine of marriage last forever.

Marriage is a handful of sand
The way to win a marriage is not how much time you spend on love, but your attitude towards marriage.Treating your lover, even if you put him under your nose every day may not be the safest, but giving him a little space for freedom will make marriage easier.

100% love in marriage will suffocate people, but 50% love can leave room for each other to maneuver.In a person's emotional world, 50% of love should be the most reasonable proportion.That kind of 100% love is called literature, and only 50% love is called life.

So don't love someone too much, use the rest to love yourself.Marriage management requires a lot of skill. It must start from the moment you get married, and don’t let love become a burden for the other party. If you love someone but make the other party feel like a bondage, can the other party still feel the sweetness of love?

There is nothing wrong with valuing marriage, but the more you want to firmly control the marriage and tie the other party, the more likely the marriage will be in crisis, and the other party will be farther and farther away from you.So the principle of marriage is similar to a handful of sand. If you want to have a long, happy and happy marriage, don't hold it too tightly.

The daughter was about to get married, and she suddenly asked her mother a question: "Mom, how should I grasp the navigation mark of marriage after marriage?"

"Stupid boy, marriage is not something you can control as you wish." Mother said with a smile. "Why can't we grasp it?" the daughter asked suspiciously.After listening to her daughter's question, the mother smiled warmly, then slowly squatted down, picked up a handful of sand from the ground, and sent it to her daughter.The daughter found that the handful of sand was in her mother's hand, and it was perfect, without any loss or spillage.Then, my mother clenched her hands tightly, and the sand immediately fell from between her fingers.When my mother opened her hand again, it turned out that there was not much sand left.

The daughter looked at the sand in her mother's hands and nodded comprehensibly.

In fact, the mother wanted to tell her daughter: Marriage does not need to be deliberately grasped, the more you want to grasp your marriage, the easier it is to lose it.Only when you let go of it properly can you truly own it.

Everyone hopes to have a happy marriage forever, so, you might as well learn to treat love with the feelings of a handful of sand, cherish it, and take good care of it, and the marriage will be perfect.

A Marriage That Can't Be "Holded"
Shakespeare said such an intriguing saying: "The sweetest honey can numb the sense of taste; the love that is not too passionate can last long." Indeed, a harmonious family relationship between husband and wife must have a new concept, that is, the relationship between husband and wife. The relationship between them is very close, but they are relatively independent.Someone once compared a husband to a kite and a wife to a kite flyer.A woman can let her man fly freely in the sky, but she can never escape her control.In fact, men should do the same to women.In a family with such a relationship, the relationship between husband and wife can only get better and better.Conversely, if a husband or wife is always trying to tie the other to them, the net result is that it is easier to push the other into the arms of others.

A TV series called "Chinese Divorce" is very popular. This drama reminds people well: many marriage problems, and even eventually lead to divorce, are not due to external factors such as third parties, but The couple's own problems.

The heroine in the play loves her husband and hopes that her husband will become a dragon. At the same time, she also wants to hold on to her husband firmly, especially when she has no career support, and after her husband has a successful career, she puts all the focus and hopes of her life on marriage .However, because of groundless suspicion, the more she tried to hold on to her marriage, the more she couldn't hold on to it. It can be said that it was this mentality that led to her emotional failure.

There are many women like this around us. They have always followed the policy of "high-pressure management" towards their husbands. On the one hand, they are unwilling to be mediocre and hope that their husbands will become superior, so they try every means to exert pressure around them, putting a lot of pressure on men.On the other hand, after the husband has really become the climate, the woman is often still standing still, so she has a sense of crisis and desperately wants to "hold on" to the marriage, such as interfering in her husband's life, not only taking care of small things in life, but also taking care of his wallet , socializing, even the other party’s work, they can’t wait to intervene in each other’s work. The relationship between the two is getting worse and worse, but they often don’t realize that there is something wrong with them. Instead, they take it for granted. The other party has given everything, so of course they should enjoy this marriage and enjoy more love from their husbands. What is even more frightening is that they have endless doubts and suspicions because they lack confidence in themselves and are afraid of losing the other party.

However, they forgot that their love has become a heavy shackle on the man, and the other party can no longer feel the sweetness of love.

You know, marriage cannot be "clamped".

Give your husband more "freestyle" love

A writer said: The wife is the sun in the family.Indeed, the wife holds the tinder of family life, which can heat up the relationship between husband and wife.Due to the important position of the wife in the family, the warmth that a good wife brings to the family is inestimable.

Of course, women all have a dependent mentality and like to be with others; married women, this dependence will increase, and they always hope that their husbands can accompany them.

Men, on the other hand, have a game mentality.After marriage, they also hope to associate with friends from the past and maintain past interests and hobbies.Some wives lose their temper when their husbands go out, which causes conflicts in the small family.

In addition, because in the current society, work and career are still an important part of men's lives. Career is not only a means of making a living, but also an important way to establish a personal social image and reflect personal value.In order to obtain this value, the husband often has to use some of his spare time to arrange his own work.This also tends to make the wife feel left out.

A good wife should be considerate of these psychological characteristics of her husband, and should not lock her husband to her side, but should leave a little space for the other party to be free.

If you don’t leave the necessary living space for the husband, but demand that the husband stay with him all day, it will make the husband lose his distinctive personality and rich life colors; and the incompetence of the husband in his career is also the misfortune of the wife.Therefore, only a close and independent married life can be harmonious and perfect.

A man needs to be alone, he wants to realize himself in solitude.Only by giving him this space can he think more clearly and reflect his masculinity.

When husband and wife stay together, the freshness and mystery between each other will disappear, and the enthusiasm for love will also decrease.A smart wife, in order for her husband to accumulate new loving energy, can ask her husband to stop taking "honey" for a few days and drink "plain water" for a few days, so that the husband will cherish the sweetness of "honey" even more.

One husband put it this way: "It's unbelievable that once the wives let go, when they realize that freedom is part of love, I feel like my life takes a huge leap forward. It’s true for my wife and what we have in common; it’s true for a few really good friends we love so much; and it’s a big step forward for me inside.”

The principle of marriage is similar to this. If you want to make your marriage long, happy and happy, then you should stop "staring", "watching", "preventing" and "holding" every day, and don't "hold" the marriage too tightly. It's good to relax.

2. Marriage is the union of two people's lifestyles

To choose marriage is to choose a new way of life
A person, inheriting the genes of his parents, living in his parents' house, and living with his parents for 30 to [-] years, has developed a fixed way of life.Then, marriage means that two people from different cultural backgrounds and living situations combine together with some lifestyles, values ​​and behavior orientations that have been formed in the family since childhood. The habits of thinking and even the taste of life may be very different. Therefore, choosing marriage means choosing a new way of life, and you have to start learning again with laughter and tears.

Although the life after marriage can dilute the accumulation of the original family influence to a certain extent, it is almost delusional to completely erase the imprint left by the family cultural background on the individual.Therefore, in the daily life of husband and wife, the "heterogeneous" difference reflected by those trivial things often becomes the most difficult psychological gap in the relationship between husband and wife, hindering the ultimate intimacy and harmony between the two parties.

A doctor of sociology was confused when writing his graduation thesis because when he summed up two identical materials, he found that the conclusions contradicted each other.One is 4800 questionnaires provided by the magazine, asking: What plays a decisive role in maintaining a marriage (love, children, sex, income, others)? 90% of people answered love.However, judging from the information provided by the civil division of the court, this is not the case at all. Among the 4800 agreed divorce cases, less than 10% divorced because of a complete breakdown of feelings. He found that most of them separated because of trivial matters.It seems that what really maintains a marriage is not love.

For example, Case No. 0001: The divorced couple is an elderly couple, the man is a teacher and the woman is a doctor. The direct reasons for their divorce are: the man is addicted to smoking, and the woman is not used to it; Can't stand it.

Another example is case No. 0002: the divorced couple had been classmates in college, had a three-year relationship when they were in school, and were assigned to work in the same city. They divorced after five years of marriage.The direct reason is: the man’s hometown is in the countryside, his parents are not in good health, and he has many sisters. He has to rely on him for big and small things. His classmates and friends have entered the ranks of well-off life, but their family is still living a tight life. My heart was not going well, and I often quarreled, and finally broke up.

Another example is Case No. 4800: This couple has only been married for half a year. The man is a policeman and likes to open the window when he sleeps, but the woman doesn’t; the woman is a nurse and likes to take a bath once a day, which the man can’t do.The two often had conflicts about this, and finally agreed to divorce.

Originally, the doctor thought he had chosen an easy topic, but after getting these real materials, he realized how difficult the topic of "the dialectical relationship between love and marriage" is.

He went to ask the instructor for advice, and the teacher said, you'd better ask those golden-married seniors, they are the experts.

So, he walked into the park near the university to meet the old people who came here for morning exercises.But their experiences disappointed him very much. Apart from the old tunes of tolerance, tolerance, and appreciation, they did not find out the dialectical relationship between love and marriage.However, he made a small discovery during the comparison, that is: Some people fail in marriage not because they find the wrong partner, but because they didn't understand it from the beginning. When choosing love, they also choose love. a way of life.It is the little things in this way of life that determine the harmony of marriage.Some people didn't see this, and finally made the two people who were still in love go to the road of breaking up.

It is said that his doctoral supervisor made him pass the defense of his doctoral thesis because of his small discovery.

"When you choose love, you also choose a way of life."Indeed, since two people put their photos together and put them on a certificate, it means that the protagonist of the marriage has begun to accept this strange way of life.It's just that the results of the acceptance are different. Those who accept it well and can adapt to each other's lifestyle will always accompany them forever, and this certificate will never be replaced; Another certificate does its job, and its name is Divorce Certificate.

The Triple Realm of Marriage

In fact, many people don't know that there are different realms in marriage, thinking that getting married means being with the one you love.

Marriage must go through at least three realms in order to truly understand the true meaning of marriage.

The first realm: Marry someone you love.

The second stage: Marry a person you love and his (her) habits.

The third realm: Marry a person you love, his (her) habits, and his (her) family affection.

The couples in the first realm have a relatively stable marriage.

The couples in the second stage have relatively stable marriages.

It is rare for couples in the third stage to get divorced.

If you think about it carefully, this theory makes a lot of sense.Perhaps, it should be said that in this world, those who grow old together will basically marry three times in their lives.

The first time was in a restaurant, amidst the congratulations and blessings of relatives and friends, I married a person I loved.

The second time was at home. After several years of running-in, the two married each other according to each other's habits.

The third time is in the family, marrying various relatives of the other party.

The second and third marriages are very different from the first.There was no grand wedding, and no relatives and friends came to congratulate. The only thing present was the tacit understanding and patience of both parties.

Real marriages often happen in the last two.

Looking around, it is not difficult to find that many people get divorced after two or three years of marriage.Under this seemingly ordinary law, if you analyze it carefully, you will find that the reason for the divorce is that the divorce has not pushed the marriage from the first level to the second level.

During the period of passionate love, all the two parties can see are the advantages of each other, and even some shortcomings have become cute embellishments at these times.But when they walk from the flame of love into the tepid water of marriage, the shortcomings and deficiencies of both parties will regenerate like bacteria.

At this time, the husband and wife must step into the second realm of marriage, marry with his (her) habits, accept and tolerate his (her) shortcomings and shortcomings.Otherwise, the marriage will shrink due to the shallow root system.

Those couples who were originally very loving but somehow divorced after a few years are probably the result of refusing to enter the second realm.

After the marriage enters the second stage, few of the couple will talk about divorce.Psychologically, they have accepted the shortcomings in each other's characters.Some even turn the other party's inadequacy into a kind of concern for themselves.

The marriage at this time is sweet and warm, and the biggest feature presented is tolerance and complementarity.However, the warmth of marriage does not mean the stability of marriage. A stable marriage needs a third sublimation, which is to marry each other's various relatives.

That is to say, extend your love for him (her) to his (her) parents, relatives and friends, and in this love, you can have a wise understanding of marriage:
Your other half does not only belong to you, he (she) also belongs to his (her) parents and friends, and even belongs to him (her) himself.Once marriage enters this state, it will also enter a state of meditation, and it is very difficult to separate.

In the world of love, many men misunderstand that marriage is to marry a woman, but they neglect to accept their wife's habits, personality, wife's own pursuit, and the background behind her.Similarly, many women misunderstand that marriage means marrying a man, but they don’t know that they will marry this man’s habits and personality, as well as the family behind this man.

Because of this misunderstanding, we have seen many broken marriages in this world.And if everyone understands this truth: marriage is a combination of two people's lifestyles, then each other's choice of marriage will be more rational and more fulfilling.

3. Only by exerting energy in one place can we lay the rope of marriage
We all know the principle of tying a rope. When tying a rope, each strand of the rope needs to use full strength. If the strength of each strand is not normal, it is easy to wrinkle the rope; Here comes the good rope.The same is true of marriage. If a husband and wife want to live a prosperous life, they must make good use of these two forces and use them together to lay the rope of marriage.

Left hand and right hand

In marriage, if the husband is regarded as the right hand, then the wife should be the left hand.The relationship between the husband and wife is the relationship between the left hand and the right hand. Only when the left hand and the right hand work harmoniously can the wonderful chapter of marriage be played.

The right hand is strong and powerful, like a man's strength of character; the left hand is tender and soft, like a woman's warmth; the right hand is sharp and sharp, like a man's heartiness; if the left hand wants to hold a handful of water, it needs to be folded into a groove so that the water can stay ;Calling to a distant place requires both hands to be bent into a "loudspeaker", so that the sound can be transmitted far; when it is cold and freezing, you need to rub your hands together, so that life will be warm and a united couple...

The husband is the right hand, the wife is the left hand, love is "hand cream", caress each other happily; Only by creating together can we embroider the most beautiful brocade in marriage; the husband is the right hand, the wife is the left hand, and the tacit understanding of both hands can form the happiest concentric knot in marriage.

The left and right hands complement each other.When the back is itchy, the left hand may not be able to reach it, but the right hand can; at a picnic dinner, if the right hand picks up a can of drink, the melon seeds cannot be caught, but the left hand can... This is like a loving couple, when the husband is away on a business trip At that time, there was a wife in the family who supported the two elders for him.

(End of this chapter)