no-complaint marriage

Chapter 28 Epiphany in Contradictions, Connecting Hearts with Hearts (1)
1. Use wisdom to resolve conflicts before they occur

The existence of conflicts between husband and wife is the normal state of marriage, and we need to go on patiently and watch it.As long as there is love in the heart, no matter how difficult the years are, the hardships will come.

There will always be some conflicts between husband and wife. Smart couples will not transform each other because of their inconsistencies, let alone criticize each other because of their mistakes. It can easily resolve conflicts, and even turn the process of resolving conflicts into a romantic experience of married life.

The beginning of a quarrel

There is a Chinese saying: "Teeth and tongue sometimes touch." It means that when two people are often together, there will inevitably be some friction and quarrels.The implicit meaning of this sentence is that it is normal for people who are often together to have conflicts. The key is to see how the parties handle conflicts and avoid quarrels.

In life, when husband and wife get along day and night, they often argue over small things. The wife will blame the husband for being indecisive, and the husband will blame the wife for being clumsy; Little things attack each other.Occasional quarrels between husband and wife are difficult to completely avoid, but if you don't pay attention, small quarrels may become big quarrels, and occasional quarrels may also become frequent quarrels, which should not be taken lightly.Frequent quarrels between husband and wife will undoubtedly affect the relationship. Many couples often fall into disgusting quarrels, which gradually weaken the relationship.As we all know, for a couple who often quarrel, there must be no happiness in their marriage.In the end, the husband and wife will find that in married life, the most lethal or destructive force is not the third party, but the two people in the marriage.

There is only one love, children can be twins, and there are countless troubles.Quarrels between husband and wife often have two root causes:

◎For my own face
Some people say that only husband and wife quarrel and quarrel. If there are conflicts, if there is no quarrel at all, then the relationship between husband and wife will come to an end.Therefore, quarrels between husband and wife are often not a big deal.Because I feel that I have lost face, I will defend myself even if I know that the argument with my lover will not lead to any results-women often have this mentality.For example, if a man says that a woman has a bad temper and hurts her self-esteem, she will stand up to "defend herself" and say that the man is ruthless.At this time, the man will feel that he has been wronged again, and in turn criticizes the woman... In this way, the real reason for the quarrel is forgotten, and they turn the quarrel into protecting their own face.

Sometimes, what couples say before an argument is not consciously intended to hurt each other's self-esteem.The husband forgot to send this month's living expenses to his father-in-law in time, and the wife got angry, and the husband argued: "I will try my best to help you send the money to my father-in-law in time." At this time, the wife became even more angry and said angrily: "You help me!" ? My monthly income is not less than yours.” This made her husband angry: “You just earn more money than me, what’s the big deal…” In this way, the quarrel started, and the father-in-law sent The money matter was put aside.Therefore, the reason for quarrels between husband and wife is often that they accidentally touch each other's self-esteem, and the two sides fight for face.

◎Misunderstanding

In life, many couples quarrel just because they misunderstood what their lover said.For example, the husband said: "Your clothes are newly bought!" His original intention may be that the wife looks much more beautiful in it, but the wife retorted: "I didn't spend much money on you." The woman's understanding is that the husband Blaming myself for buying new clothes.Reasons for misunderstanding: First, there may be more small frictions between husband and wife, and they are more sensitive to language; second, the two people usually communicate less; third, the husband and wife talk too casually.A marriage expert said: "If there is a lack of communication between husband and wife, when they listen to each other's words, they will often consciously try to figure out the implication of each other's words, instead of understanding the original meaning of the words. This kind of suspicion often leads to misunderstanding. And this kind of quarrel often has nothing to do with personal problems, and its root cause lies in the relationship between husband and wife." Both husband and wife should be aware of this.

resolve conflicts wisely

In fact, there are few couples who do not quarrel. The key is to see how the husband and wife resolve conflicts. A wise couple will resolve conflicts before they happen, and turn conflicts into "spice" for a happy life between husband and wife.Here's how smart couples do it:

1. Once there is a sign of a quarrel, one party should learn to avoid it, and exchange views with the other party after the other party's mood is stable, which can ease the tense situation.It is normal for husband and wife to sometimes think differently, and it is not the fault of either party.When there is disagreement, both husband and wife should think about it calmly.When one party gets angry, the other party should keep silent and find a way to reverse the quarrel between the two parties. Don't confront it immediately, otherwise it will only make the quarrel more intense.

2. When quarreling, think more about the other party's advantages, think about the other party's benefits, and don't just think about things that make you sad.Sometimes, thinking about the good of the other party is a good medicine to heal the sadness caused by the quarrel.Because you think about the other person’s good, you can downplay your own thoughts, and you will be less persistent in your point of view; if you always think about the other person’s faults, then you will feel that you are right, and you will increase the debate unconsciously. Intensity, this will lead to more intense quarrels.Both husband and wife should do more self-criticism and give more love to each other, so that love can stay at home.

3. Try to avoid outsiders intervening in the quarrel between husband and wife, let alone go to the homes of their parents or brothers and sisters for help, in order to win each other.If this is done, it will intensify the conflict.And don’t ask your parents or brothers and sisters to judge who is right and who is wrong in your quarrel. First, it is difficult for an upright official to judge housework. Second, they are not necessarily good at persuading fights. They will unintentionally play a role of “provocation”. make things worse.

4. Whether it is a wife or a husband, do not take home any unhappiness outside of the family and vent it to your lover or children.In that way, it can only make the family cast a shadow over your unhappiness.It is the most unfair for the other party to bring the unhappy mood home. The injured party will feel very innocent, and the "injured" party outside the home will not be comforted at home, which will cause two people to quarrel.

5. Both husband and wife should learn to "speak softly".A woman, if you clenched your fists and faced your husband, then the husband will clenched his fists even tighter.If you gently say to your husband: "Sit down and discuss it, see what we disagree with, and maybe find a lot in common." In this way, your husband will also become gentle.The same is true for the husband, learn to speak softly.

In short, marriage is a "career" between two people. No matter whether the "shares" assumed by two people are equal or not, they should stand on an equal footing, tolerate and tolerate each other.When conflicts arise, resolve them wisely instead of making them worse.Remember, you came together because of love, and you want to grow old together in this life, not as enemies, just to quarrel together!

2. Quarrels can also be the flavoring agent of marriage
spice up the marriage

A marriage theorist may not be a qualified husband or wife. This is because marriage is a complete exposure of human nature, and there are unavoidable injuries in the daily running-in.

It is perfectly normal for husband and wife to have conflicts and quarrels. The so-called "fighting is kissing, scolding is love" is nothing more than that.Big and small quarrels in married life are unavoidable. These quarrels are like ingredients in a dish. Without it, the dish of love may be slightly bland.

But quarreling is also very knowledgeable. If you can quarrel, it can become a flavoring agent for marriage, and if you can't quarrel, it can turn it into a big war.How to make the quarrel more orderly, let the other party understand their own intentions, and at the same time not create estrangement, you need art.There are not many couples who do not quarrel in the world, but there are many couples who quarrel and do not quarrel. Why do some couples quarrel all their lives but still stay together when they grow old?Why do some couples part ways after arguing?
The reason why we put the word "art" on the quarrel between husband and wife is because there is generally no conflict of principle between husband and wife, and it belongs to the type of "quarrel at the head of the bed and peace at the end of the bed".Therefore, quarreling must not hurt the feelings of both parties and destroy the happiness of marriage.

Two people who have lived together for a long time always contradict each other.If you don't want to hurt the other person's self-esteem, you must learn to say "I'm sorry."There is no winner or loser in a husband and wife quarrel, and it is impossible to be clear about who is right.Sometimes your disputes simply stem from your differences in how you see things, and that's when one of you needs to make concessions.

Even if you think the other party is really outrageous and you need to reprimand him a few words to make quarrels inevitable, you should speak with discretion and don't compare your husband with other men.If you list all his faults to justify yourself, you will not gain anything. A man needs to feel that he is the best and unique.No matter how much you quarrel, you can't say unfeeling words, you can't laugh at each other's certain flaws or expose the "scars" of the other party, and you can't yell at each other in a moment of anger, regardless of the consequences, but take some roundabout ways to resolve disputes.

The couple also quarreled, and she used to be very angry with her husband, but she knew that she still loved her husband, and the marriage and love would continue, but she couldn't let go of her own face. Here's what she did:
Dear Husband:

Seeing you angry for several days in a row, I feel very distressed and uneasy. I know that my mistake is serious, and now I want to make a deep check on you.Therefore, I introspected in the bedroom for an hour, 83 minutes and 120 seconds, drank a bottle of plain water, went to the bathroom twice, but did not put on makeup, the above facts are accurate, please review.I attach my review and ask for forgiveness.

After more than a year of married life, I think my husband is hardworking and intelligent, and he loves his wife very much. He is a rare good husband.But as a wife, I am not virtuous enough, I lack gentleness and virtuousness, let alone satisfy my husband.The following is my analysis of my bad behavior, please review it with my husband:

1. What happened a few days ago was my fault.Although the braised pork you made is a bit salty, it is mellow and delicious. I shouldn't say you wasted salt.I blame it so much because I hide my jealousy. You think, a woman can't cook such a good dish. If you cook it, can you not make me jealous?

2. When you said you like Zhang Ziyi, I shouldn't just say that I like Li Chengxian casually, causing you to ignore me for two days.Thinking about it carefully, my answer is really inappropriate, because your fascination is still limited to the mainland, but I rushed to South Korea.

3. You lost 1000 yuan on Saturday, I know I shouldn't blame you, if it were me, I might also let the thief take the 2000 yuan in another pocket.

4. Last time you bought a wild turtle, I shouldn’t pretend to be a chef, but you cheered when you helped the cook, salivated when you smelled it, and sighed when you ate it. For your fragile psychology, the dishes I cooked I shouldn't give you a blow, it's unbearable for anyone.

……

After the husband read the wife's "repentance letter", he not only amused the wife's humor, but also aroused the husband's reflection on his behavior.From then on, he no longer acted arbitrarily at home, but became more considerate and loving to his wife.

As the saying goes: "When it rains in the sky and the ground flows down, couples who fight don't hold grudges." After two people quarrel, as long as they talk it over in time, life will go on as usual.Therefore, in order to handle conflicts well, two people should not face each other head-on, but must adopt some "tactics".The wife in the story is very smart. Although she took the initiative to admit her mistake to her husband, it made him realize his own shortcomings, and at the same time aroused his infinite pity and love for her.

Learn to quarrel "artistically"
When a husband and wife quarrel over a certain matter, just discuss the matter as it is, and don't expand it infinitely.Don't label the other party as "selfish" or "shameless" casually, otherwise it will make things worse.Women should avoid enlarging the dispute. If this matter is referred to the previous matter, and the dissatisfaction with the husband is involved in his parents, brothers and sisters, the matter will become more and more complicated.

After a quarrel between husband and wife, don't run away from home, or go back to your parents' house to complain, let alone engage in a cold war.A woman said it well: "When I quarrel with my husband I tell him I'm mad, but I'm not going anywhere. Just because a couple fights doesn't mean the marriage is going to break up, I'm still your wife, You are still my husband, why should I leave my home?" The cold war is like a gamble, the bet is patience, to see who chooses to compromise first, but it is the feelings that are left cold.Marriage experts warn every couple: Don't try to punish each other in various ways, because you are punishing yourself at the same time.When you wander aimlessly on the street and want to go home later, it is better to warm up the relationship after the quarrel with a positive attitude: go home and have dinner together, and don't hesitate to answer his call after you quarreled The first call, unless you never want to answer his call, what's the difference between the first call and the fifth call?
Knowing the art of quarreling, the husband and wife will be close despite the quarrel, and the bond of love will become tighter and tighter.Why is this?The reason is very simple, this is because they understand and master the art of "fighting", skillfully overcome the difficulties of "quarreling", and solve the problem without hurting each other's feelings.

A successful marriage will not be free from quarrels and twists and turns. The so-called perfect marriage is not a model for ordinary people to follow. A happy marriage must have resilience and elasticity, and must withstand wind and rain and external interference. Every family member Both can find what they need in such a marriage, with mutual sacrifices and mutual gains.A happy marriage is that even if you quarrel or complain, the next moment, you will still think about the other party's well-being, happiness and sorrow, and you are still in the other party's heart.

This is enough.Happiness flows out of the ups and downs, and feelings moisten things silently in ordinary days. This is the full interpretation of a happy marriage.

3. Blaming and shirking responsibility can only deepen the contradiction

Difficulties are imminent, accusing and shirking responsibility are not the solution
When a new car hits the road, it has to be run in carefully before it can run at high speed.The same goes for marriage.Even if two people have similar backgrounds, their personalities may not be the same; even if their personalities are similar, their worldviews may not be the same; even if their worldviews are similar, their living habits may not be the same.Differences like this, if not carefully worked in, will inevitably lead to the sharpness of the needle and bring rifts to the marriage.

Before marriage, both parties will intentionally or unintentionally cover up their own shortcomings, and these shortcomings can only be gradually exposed after marriage.If you can change it, you can change it. If you can't change it, you can only tolerate it.Don't worry about what is right or wrong, and don't need to subdivide what you and me are. Always remember to give your lover a step, so that love can continue to climb to the peak.The road to love is longer. Since fate brings two people together, the two should be united with each other, be more tolerant, and then hold hands and go on the road smoothly.

No matter what difficulties are coming, the husband and wife should not blame each other, let alone shirk their responsibilities. It is best to regard the difficulties as problems that need to be faced and solved together. Only then will they have the strong will to "join together to overcome difficulties".

Wife: "Looking at your listless look, you know that you are not promoted today, right?!"

Husband: "Why, look down on me! I should definitely be promoted according to my ability! Not that sycophant, I really don't understand why the boss would reuse such a person!"

Wife: "Hmph, ability is useless! If you continue like this, you will have no future at all!"

……

The wife in the story blames her husband, but she never thinks about her husband. Could it be that once she blames her husband, the problem of promotion will be solved?Doesn't the husband want a promotion?Accusing will only belittle her image in the mind of her husband and make her lose even more!

Same story, different results:

Wife: "What happened to the company today?"

The husband sighed: "Yes, that position was taken by Zhang Lin. I was not promoted."

Wife: "Oh."

The husband said disappointedly: "No matter how powerful you are, you can't compare to flattery! The boss is too stupid to believe in a villain like Zhang Lin, which makes me really disheartened."

The wife comforted: "Hey, what's the matter, this world is like this. You have the ability, but he dare not let you go, for fear that you will steal his job. Be careful!"

……

The same contradiction, the same person, because of the wife's attitude, the result is very different, and the relationship between husband and wife is also very different.When people are in conflict, they are very anxious. If one party accuses or complains, the other party will not have a good face, but is prone to rebellious psychology, thinking that "it's already like this anyway, since even the closest people are like this." I think it’s better to break the can and smash it.”

When it comes to rebellious psychology, people will immediately think of the rebellious psychology of adolescents.In fact, rebellious psychology is also common in the relationship between husband and wife, and it can be expressed in various forms.From the perspective of rebellious psychology, there are two kinds of rebellion: active rebellion and passive rebellion.The attitude of others has not changed, and the way of expression is more appropriate, but because of the bad mood of the person involved, there is a rebellious psychology, which is active rebellion.Conversely, the person involved is in a normal mood, but the rebellious psychology caused by the other party's improper attitude and method is passive rebellion.In order to prevent the occurrence of rebellious psychology, husband and wife should know themselves and each other, and understand each other's psychological and emotional characteristics.

If there is a conflict between husband and wife, we must find a way to solve it, instead of blaming and shirking responsibility. Numerous facts have proved that when husband and wife quarrel with each other and blame each other and shirk responsibility, not only will not solve the problem, but it will also make the couple quarrel more intense. .

The contradiction is getting bigger and bigger, blame is the culprit
(End of this chapter)