no-complaint marriage

Chapter 29 Epiphany in Contradictions, Connecting Hearts with Hearts (2)
Someone researched and analyzed the quarrels between 100 couples, and found that nearly half of the couples quarreled because they blamed each other.Under normal circumstances, when people are accused or blamed by others, they will have a defense mentality, unless it is an obvious wrong thing that cannot be excused.One of the husband and wife blames the other at every turn. This kind of domineering and self-righteous performance is often unacceptable to the other. This is even more disrespectful of the other's personality, making it natural for the two to quarrel.

Excessive arguments between husband and wife will only hurt the relationship. If you accuse the other party, even if your accusation is right, but this kind of accusation often hurts the other party's heart, you are still wrong.We might as well learn from the couple in Andersen's fairy tale "The Old Man Can't Be Wrong".

There was a poor old couple in the countryside. One day, they wanted to exchange their only valuable horse in the market for something more useful.

The old man led his horse to go to the market. He first exchanged a cow, then exchanged the cow for a sheep, then exchanged the sheep for a fat goose, then exchanged the goose for a hen, and finally exchanged the hen Swapped someone else's big bag of rotten apples.

In every exchange, he really wanted to surprise his wife.

When he came to a small hotel with a big bag to rest his breath, he met two Englishmen. During the chat, he talked about how he went to the market. The two Englishmen laughed and said that he would be punished by the old woman when he went back. beat.

The old man insisted that he would never do so, so the British bet with a bag of gold coins that if he went home without being punished by his wife, the gold coins would be lost to him, so the three returned to the old man's house together.

The old woman was very happy to see the old man came back.I twisted a towel for him to wipe his face again, served water to quench his thirst, and listened to the old man's story about going to the market.

The old man made no secrets and told the whole process of going to the market.

Whenever the old man talked about exchanging one thing for another, the old woman affirmed it very excitedly.

"Oh, do we have milk?"

"Goat's milk is just as good."

"Oh, what a goose feather!"

"Oh, we have eggs to eat!"

And so on.

When she finally heard the old man carrying back a bag of rotten apples, she was equally calm and said loudly: "We can have apple pie tonight!" She couldn't help but put her arms around the old man and kissed his forehead affectionately...

As a result, needless to say, the British lost more than 100 pounds of gold coins.

The most important basis for couples to get along in family life is tolerance, respect, trust and sincerity.Even if the other party has done something wrong, as long as the heart is sincere, the process and motivation should be emphasized over the result. The love and tolerance of husband and wife are the best way to treat marriage well.Love is an art, tolerance is the essence of love, not blame.

Marriage means acceptance. No matter how right your thoughts are or how wrong the other person's words and deeds are, you should not try to change the other person with accusations.It is undeniable that a marriage will be happy only if there are not too many differences between two people. However, husband and wife must not blame each other, they should make each other change through communication, and the two will slowly move closer to each other, so that they will find a new joint point.Do not use accusations to change the other party. It is futile to do so, because when you change him, he may also be trying to change you. In this way, the couple will fall into the contradiction between change and resistance to change, which will deteriorate the relationship between husband and wife.It is difficult for people to change themselves, let alone change others.

People are used to comparing the relationship between husband and wife to the relationship between fish and water, but there is a misunderstanding. Everyone hopes that they are water and the other is fish.Harmonious couples do not look at each other, but look in one direction.This is the importance of understanding.Let's imagine: If both husband and wife hold their own opinions, complain and blame each other, what kind of life will they live?
There is a couple who opened a shop together.The husband is the leader and the wife is in charge of the finances.Because of a little accounting problem that happened just now, one employee resigned in a fit of anger, and his attitude towards the leader was not very good.

The couple discussed the matter on the way home.The husband angrily dismissed the employee, claiming that he had a problem with his character.The wife thinks that the character is not the problem, but the problem is that the leadership is not managing properly, and the management is not good.The husband became even more angry, saying that his wife was not on the same level as him.The wife chattered and accused her husband of being a poor leader.

Of course the husband refused to admit it, so the two started to quarrel.

In fact, the conflict is not between husband and wife, but it has evolved into a new conflict.The employee who was blamed did not hear the blame, while the couple who were not at fault were reciprocated.In the end, the closest people get angry and wronged, which gradually expands the contradiction that was not a problem.Is this the "credit" of the accusation?
Therefore, no matter how big the problem is, the husband and wife should not blame each other, but should praise and suggest more, and turn complaints into hope.In the face of responsibility, we should not hold the attitude of shirking, but two people should bear it together and find a way together.

4. Resist contradictions with understanding

If you compare love to a romantic serenade, then marriage is a symphony of pots and pans, playing the most simple movement and composing an ordinary but intoxicating warm tune.In the end, the love in marriage will no longer be mentioned frequently, and it will be more about mutual waiting and mutual support.It is not enough to keep love in marriage, but also to manage and maintain it with heart.

There is a kind of moving called understanding and tolerance

The husband and wife are like two wooden boards put together. The combination of the two sides is not seamless, and the texture and grain are not the same.Husband and wife are not like two drops of water. They have differences in personality, hobbies, and lifestyle. "People are not sages, so who can do nothing"?If the husband and wife fight all day long over trivial matters, there will be no harmony in the family.It is impossible for a husband and wife to have no conflicts, so what should a husband and wife do when conflicts arise?

The most fundamental thing between husband and wife is to understand each other, use understanding to resist conflicts, and make big things small and small things small.

As we all know, it is this kind of loving understanding that Hillary resisted the contradictions in her marriage, saved her family, and won a good reputation for herself.

Clinton's affair created a world-famous scandal, and his wife Hillary made the most sensible choice: silence.This silence is not only for the husband, but also for everyone.She didn't want to cry and scream at the world because she knew everyone was waiting to see the joke.

People say Hillary remains with Clinton for her own benefit.Hillary revealed her loyalty driving force: "Everyone's family will have some changes, people have to face them, if you love someone, you will not leave him, but will help him."

Hillary couldn't forget the life she had with Clinton: "We talked, we talked about trivial things in the sunroom, in the bedroom, in the kitchen. We liked to lie in bed and watch old movies, you know, the kind that can A little personal video recorder on your lap." Hillary won unanimous praise for her tolerance during the Clinton scandal.

Fox said it well: "As long as you have enough love and maintain a respectful and tolerant attitude, you can become the most influential person in the world." After any negative emotions come into contact with virtues such as respect and tolerance, they are like When winter snow meets spring, it melts instantly.

Hillary's story lets us know that in married life, there is a kind of affection called loving each other, another kind of touching called being in love with each other, and another kind of moving called understanding and tolerance.Marriage is like a small boat sailing in the sea, sometimes it is calm and smooth; sometimes there are storms and reefs; only by paddling the oars of tolerance, hoisting the sails of understanding, and working together can we reach the other shore of happiness.

The most beautiful portrayal of life is "rarely confused". If you see things too thoroughly, you will feel that the world is boring. The saying "When the water is clear, there will be no fish, and when people are observant, there will be no disciples" is also applicable to love.No one is perfect, and love cannot be perfect. If you are too sober, you may not have vigorous love.The word "marriage" in our Chinese characters, when taken apart, is a character for "female" and "faint", which is very interesting.If the woman hadn't lost her head, maybe there would be no love and marriage in this world. "Three parts of running water and two parts of dust", don't hold on to everything, just grasp the general direction of married life so that it does not deviate from the normal track and the moral route.

understanding is synonymous with love
Marriage is not a matter of one person, and everyone in the marriage is responsible for the marriage.There is such a punch line: "Marriage is the only alliance without a leader, but both parties think they are the leader." Just imagine, a man and a woman who meet each other in a marriage have to live under the same roof for decades, and They have their own personalities.When personalities conflict, it often brings friction in the family. Many families have red lights due to personality conflicts. At this time, mutual understanding is even more needed.Love is like water, and marriage is like a cup. When love precipitates, when marriage has twists and turns, we should gently shake the cup and use understanding to dissolve it.

If you compare marriage to a car, love is the light, and understanding is the oil.In a specific married life, when a man is furious, a woman's patience can dissolve the war;The highest state of human love is to return to the family relationship of sharing joys and sorrows, and return to the marriage of sharing responsibilities, which is the so-called "holding the hand of the son, and the old age with the son".

Married life people learn a lot from it.Mutual understanding is the tenderest part of love.As people in a marriage, we must learn to carefully read our marriage, carefully examine ourselves in the marriage, and then look at the other half who shares weal and woe with you with eyes full of appreciation.We must learn to taste the indifferent fragrance in the diluted tea, and learn to taste the fragrance of marriage in the insipid process.

He works hard outside and often needs to socialize. It is common for him to return home in the middle of the night and get drunk.Often when knocking on the door of the house, I was already blindfolded.Either holding the toilet in the bathroom and throwing up, or walking staggeringly, frowning in pain, falling asleep without even taking off his clothes.

She always lit a lamp on the days when he came home late, quietly waiting for him to come home.Often the TV is not even turned on, only the computer is turned on, playing a favorite song, and waiting silently in the silent night.

He has a key to the house. If he uses the key to open the door, she will greet him with joy and give him an affectionate hug the first time he opens the door.

If he rings the door lock downstairs, she will know that he must be drunk.She would walk out of the house and meet him in the hallway.Then, help him into the house together.If he got into the bathroom and vomited on the toilet, she would stand behind him, holding a towel, and gently pat his back.Until he has nothing to vomit, then wash the towel, gently wipe his face and hands, then help him to the bed, and gently hug him to sleep.

Occasionally, in her sleep, she would hear him calling for water, and she would always gently feed him the sugar tea that had been brewed in advance.Occasionally, he would call her name in his dream, and she would free up a hand and pat his back gently until he opened his frown and fell asleep peacefully.On nights when he was drunk, she often couldn't sleep well, but she was very happy.

The next morning, she would get up early, cook a little porridge, sometimes pumpkin porridge, sometimes millet porridge, sometimes winter melon porridge, sometimes just white rice porridge, add a little wolfberry, match some light side dishes, and fry a Tender omelette, then gently wake him up.When he gets up, the toothbrush is often filled with toothpaste.Under her careful and considerate care, although he is often drunk, he is still in good health and works smoothly.After more than ten years of marriage, she has never changed or complained.Their affection has never faded with the passage of time.

Others are often involuntary in the arena.But he was only drunk, but never had any scandals.He holds an important position and is often surrounded by beautiful women, but he only loves her at home.He is handsome, but she is ordinary, but his love for her has never diminished.People around him laughed at him for being incomprehensible, while others said he was prudish.But he knew that only she really loved him, and only she was his true destination.She made him feel at ease, and she made him feel nostalgic for his family.Compared with those enchanting women nowadays, she has incomparable purity and simplicity, which is extremely precious.

She also has a job of her own, and she is also the monarch of her own domain, the center of attention.But she knows that she only loves him, even though he often ignores her, even though he often gets hungover, even though he often makes her sleepless, but she knows that in this city, he works so hard for his family and her.

She knew that this seemingly strong man was also fragile, both mentally and physically.He is above everyone outside, but to her, he is just a helpless man. When he is sad and suffering, what he misses most is her, and what he wants most is to go home.After getting drunk, he would tearfully tell about the hardships at work, he would hug her in pain and say to her, "I'm sorry, wife!"

Many people don't understand why she can still be so stable and calm after a man is drunk.She said, "Because I understand him and know his difficulty, because I know that in this city, only I can depend on him, so I can't leave him alone when he is most uncomfortable. Even if it is gently Holding his hand, I want him to feel my warmth."

Facing her husband who was drunk all the year round, she did not quarrel with him, but looked at him with an understanding eye, and she understood his difficulty.Such a home is full of warmth, how can such a love not last forever?

Women, you should know by now that instead of throwing a tantrum at your man when he's drunk, it's better to hold his hand tightly and let him feel your love.No matter how drunk he is, he will feel your good or bad.After he is drunk, that is when he needs your love the most!
Marriage needs to be managed, and how to manage it depends entirely on the protagonists of the marriage - the husband and wife. It is entirely up to you to decide whether to face the conflicts in marriage with hysteria or with an understanding heart.Marriage is like a mirror, if you smile at it, it will greet you with a smile; on the contrary, if you cry at it, it will cry at you.

5. Discuss the matter as it stands, avoid turning over old accounts

Overturning old accounts will quickly escalate conflicts

There are frequent quarrels and small quarrels every day.This is a portrayal of the real life of many couples.In fact, bumps and bumps between husband and wife are an inevitable running-in for the relationship to develop towards stability and harmony. Therefore, as long as there is no fierce dispute, it should be understandable.Others say that quarreling between husband and wife is an alternative way to communicate feelings.This statement is not without reason.However, certain rules must be followed in quarrels, and husbands and wives should never turn over old scores when they quarrel, which is one of the rules.Because turning over old scores is tantamount to magnifying family conflicts countless times. The party who turns over old scores tends to become more angry and unsatisfactory the more they talk, while the one who is turned over old scores becomes more aggrieved and unconvinced the more they listen.As a result, conflicts continue to escalate and even cause family wars.

In real life, we find that the party who turns over the old score is often the wrongdoer of the cause.Because I have done something wrong, but I am too embarrassed to admit my mistake, I always try my best to save some face, so I turn over the old account and expose the other party's previous wrongdoing. Things that are out of reach are all used as their own arguments.A matter that was originally very simple, but due to one party's random "firing", the conflict continued to escalate, and finally deteriorated to the point of being out of control.

The purpose of overturning old accounts is often to achieve an even balance between the two parties.After getting along day and night, husband and wife are very familiar with each other's strengths and weaknesses, as well as old events, so they have enough "handles" in their own hands. When quarreling, they often use them rashly as a means of attacking each other.However, the past has passed, and no matter what inappropriate behavior the other party had at that time, it should not be caught.Therefore, turning over old accounts is the most unacceptable and extremely easy to hurt the feelings of both parties.In some old accounts, the other party may have been greatly bruised, and the emotional wounds are not easy to heal.Turning over this kind of old account is equivalent to exposing the other party's scars, and bringing back painful memories of the other party, making the other party more painful, and thus generating resentment towards you.In this way, it will cast a shadow on future family life and bury hidden dangers.

In addition, it may be just some trivial matters in the other party's old accounts. If all the old sesame seeds and rotten grains are found out, it is likely to accumulate and make the other party feel that they are in trouble.For example, many women like to dig up old accounts and make simple things complicated. The parents-in-law and mother-in-law gave very little lucky money to their children during the Chinese New Year last year, and the husband’s best friends often come to eat and drink at home... In short, anyone who is related to her husband has ever done something. A little carelessness in the past was also attributed to the husband's sin.Doing so will only make the husband think that his wife is narrow-minded and bore him.

Confessions should be lenient, not expose the scars
Some wives are always willing to bring out their husband's old love affairs, and often use "your lover" as a weapon of attack.Doing so will not only hurt your husband's self-esteem, but it will also make it easy for him to compare you with his old lover, and the old relationship will relapse.Doing so, of course, is not worth the candle.

Mr. Tang thinks he is a good husband, a good father, and takes care of his family, but there is a slight flaw in his marriage - an affair.

He is a devout Christian, and he is deeply troubled by the fact that he once had an extramarital affair, although it happened during his wife's second pregnancy, and his second daughter is now in high school, but he still suffers from inner torment .

(End of this chapter)