Calm: Be a calm woman

Chapter 25 Grace and Highness——A Calm-hearted Woman Dilutes Grievances and Resentments with a Broad Mind (1)
Khalil said: "The reason why great men are great is that they are tolerant and considerate of ordinary people." For ordinary women, if they can be magnanimous and cultivate themselves with the virtue of tolerance, then she will inevitably show Excellent self-cultivation and outstanding charm, so that people around can not ignore.Maybe you can't love your enemies like a saint, but you can forgive them, forget their mistakes, and let your heart bathe in the sunshine.

Gratitude and contentment make the world a better place
Orman, who wrote books to teach people to get rich, is famous all over the world for "9 Steps to Economic Freedom", and she is also rich herself and leads a wealthy life.She drives a luxury sports car, wears a Rolex watch, and wears designer clothes. She can go to a private island for vacation whenever she is happy.Facing such a free and casual life, she admits frankly that she has no sense of satisfaction. Even with many friends and relatives by her side, she still feels very lonely.Auman was also very confused about this. She said: "Although I have become richer than I dreamed, I still feel empty, confused and sad. Until today, I realized that money does not equal happiness! Now , I really don’t know where happiness comes from.”

In life, many people have fallen into the blind spot of happiness just like Oman. They have worked hard for most of their lives for money, and finally realized that "money does not necessarily mean happiness".At that time, if she was willing to use the time of Christmas vacation to quietly read "Happiness is a Serious Subject" by Prager, then she would have realized early that the secret of happiness is gratitude.

In the book, Prager cites a point of view that people are unhappy because of their own problems. Therefore, if you want to be happy, you must first repair the problematic part of the person.According to Prager, one of the biggest causes of unhappiness in most people is ungratefulness.He reminded parents, especially during the "happy holiday" of giving gifts, that they must earnestly teach their children to be grateful and content.He said, "If we satisfy children's desires without restriction, give them too much, and cause their expectations to increase, then it is equivalent to depriving them of their ability to be happy." He believes that as an elder, as a parent, One of the first responsibilities is to teach children how to say "thank you" to others from the bottom of their hearts.

To be happy, contentment is also a very important condition.Psychologist Duo Yiju once said that Buddhism has long understood the secret of human unhappiness, that is, unsatisfied desires and unfulfilled expectations.Prager, who grew up under the influence of American culture, made a detailed distinction between "desire" and "expectation" from many aspects.He said.Although desire may also hinder people from obtaining happiness, desire is an unavoidable and indispensable ingredient in a "good life".Expectations, by contrast, are quite different. For example, we expect health, but we must pay for it.

To help people understand the difference between the two, Prager gave an example.For example, one day, you suddenly find that you have a tumor on your body. For this reason, you feel uneasy and go to the doctor for a comprehensive physical examination.While waiting for the result, you are extremely nervous, not knowing what fate awaits you.A week goes by, and when you learn that your tumor is benign, you breathe a sigh of relief, feel so grateful, and feel that day is the happiest and luckiest day of your life.

In fact, this day is exactly the same as the day you suspected that you had a tumor on your body, and your physical health has not changed because of your mood.However, now, you are extremely happy, your heart is overflowing with happiness, why is this?Because you are so nervous about your health today that you don't even expect to be healthy.

To this end, Prager said, we can and should "desire" to be healthy, but we should not "expect" to be healthy!This principle is simple and applies to many aspects of our lives.For example, we shouldn't expect many things in life, such as a successful investment strategy, a good job interview, and the health and safety of our families.He also said that if we can't distinguish between "desires" and "expectations", then we will be very "disappointed".Unfulfilled expectations not only bring misery into our lives, but they also destroy our sense of gratitude.As a result, we lose happiness, because gratitude is a necessary condition for happiness.

Look at those people in life, almost all happy people are grateful, compared with those who are ungrateful and sad.So what is the relationship between gratitude and expectation?The more expectations, the less gratitude.In the moment when expectations are fulfilled, we can only have great happiness when we think, "That is by no means inevitable."In this case, gratitude must increase our pleasure and enable us to be happy in the future.

Both Judaism and Buddhism teach gratitude for everything in life.Jews never forget to thank God no matter what they do or what they face: for waking up in the morning, for the food on the plate, for a beautiful holiday, and even for seeing a beautiful rainbow, they will thank God from the bottom of their hearts.

It is precisely because of the hard work of people in various industries that we have shelter from the wind and cold and all the items we depend on for living. It is precisely because of the existence of various animals, plants, and minerals in the world that we can maintain life and have A pleasing resource.

Thinking of this, what reason do we have to be grateful and content?Only with gratitude and contentment can we gain true happiness.

Giving without expecting anything in return brings you true happiness

One of the human nature is "not grateful".In order to satisfy their desires, people always make vows in the process of pursuing them. However, once their desires are satisfied, few people remember to be grateful from the heart.In many cases, if our contribution is only to get gratitude and return from others, then most of what we get may be resentment.In resentment, we not only did not get the return we expected, but also lost the happiness we deserved when we paid.

An ancient sage once said: "A person who is angry will be full of resentment in his heart." It can be seen that real happiness can only be obtained by those who give without expecting anything in return.

In Texas, I once met a businessman who was angry about something.I've been told that even if you meet someone you've never met, within 15 minutes, he'll recount his anger exactly.This proved to be the case, and I soon learned the truth from him.Although it has been nearly a year, he always kept in mind that he gave 34 employees a year-end bonus of 1 yuan, but he did not receive any thanks.For this reason, he lived in resentment for a year, wasting precious time in vain.

You know, it is human nature to be ungrateful, and everyone has this essence in their bones.We always say good things when we need help from others, and forget about others' help to us after things are completed.Therefore, after helping others, don't hope that others will be grateful to you, otherwise, you will plunge yourself into the abyss of trouble.

There was a woman in New York who was very lonely because no relatives or friends wanted to approach her.In fact, there is a reason for this.Whenever anyone visited her, she would babble for hours about what she had done for her niece.She told people how meticulously she cared for her nieces when they came down with measles, mumps and whooping cough.For a long time, she not only provided for her nieces, but also did what she could to help one of them through business school.In addition, there was a niece who lived in her home until her marriage.There is no doubt that she has given a lot to her nieces.

Of course, nieces are not ungrateful people.As part of their duty, they would visit her occasionally because she was their aunt.But deep down, none of these nieces wanted to visit her, because if they did, they would have to endure hours of non-stop nagging.Not only did she beat around the bush and scolded her nieces for not giving her what she deserved, she also kept complaining and sighing.Later, even if this woman threatened and lured her, none of the nieces would come to see her.At this time, she had to invent another "magic weapon"-heart attack.

Does she really have a heart attack?Although her original intention was to force her nieces to visit her, doctors declared that she was indeed suffering from hyperpalpitations because she had a "very nervous heart".In this regard, the doctors jointly came to the conclusion that her illness was entirely caused by emotions, so there was no cure.This woman could have received real love and attention, but because she took it all for granted, she lost forever the opportunity to receive gratitude and love.

In fact, there are many such women in this world.Because of the ungratefulness of others, they not only feel lonely, but even get sick because of being neglected.They long for love deep in their hearts, but they don't know that not demanding others, giving without expecting anything in return is the only way to get love in this world.Although this may sound unbelievable and idealistic, it is the only way to make us happy.

When I was young, my family was very poor, and many times I had to go into debt to barely make ends meet.Even so, my parents donate some money and goods to an orphanage near our home every year.After they donated money and things, they never thought of getting gratitude or rewards from others. All they wanted was the fun of helping orphans.

After growing up and leaving home, every Christmas, I would send a check to my parents to improve their lives.However, most of the money was bought by parents as necessities and given to some "poor women" in the town.These women had many children to support, but little money to buy enough food and coal for heating.When doing these things, my parents are very happy. It is the kind of happiness that only gives without asking for anything in return.

Aristotle once said: "The ideal person is the kind of person who enjoys giving favors to others and is ashamed of others favoring himself. Showing his kindness is superior to others; accepting favors from others is often inferior to others. "For this reason, I have reason to believe that my parents are the happiest people in Aristotle's ideal.

No matter who you are, if you want to be happy, don't think about being grateful or ungrateful, but just enjoy the joy of giving.Because only this kind of happiness is real and pure happiness.

To forgive others is to forgive yourself

Perhaps we will never be able to love our enemy like a saint, but, in order to love ourselves, it is wise to forgive him.As it is often said, a wise man does not get angry and a fool cannot get angry.No one can humiliate or confuse you unless you want to.

The most effective way to forget those who have hurt you is to let yourself do things beyond your ability.In this way, you will find that you have no time to care about things beyond your ideals and goals, and because of this, those former insults and hostility gradually seem insignificant.

A few years ago, when I went to speak at a school that Lawrence Jones had founded, I heard that in 1918 in the pine forests of Mississippi, a very terrible thing happened, and Lawrence Jones, a black lecturer, was almost burned to death.

During World War I, people were very impulsive.At the time, rumors spread in central Mississippi that the Germans were instigating black mutiny.Because of this rumor, Lawrence Jones was accused of instigating the mutiny of his people.White people confirmed that Lawrence Jones said when he was preaching in the church: "Life is a struggle. In order to survive and develop better, every black person should put on armor and go into battle."

The words "armor" and "combat" became irrefutable evidence.In the darkness, some young men tied up the priest, dragged him a mile away into the wilderness, and set up a pile of dry wood to burn him.Just before Laurence Jones was burned, a young man said: "Let this talkative man say something before he burns."

Standing on a burning pyre with a noose around his neck, Laurence Jones gave an impassioned speech for his life and ideals.Lawrence Jones told the angry arsonists about his life experience, and told them that his ideal is to train boys and girls who have no money to go to school to be excellent cooks, housewives, farmers and mechanics.He also told these young people that many white people supported him in the form of materials and money to build the school.Lawrence Jones spoke in a very calm manner, and the only thing he wanted to do was to let these people understand his thoughts.In his account, a Civil War veteran said, "I believe everything he says, and I know some of the white people he says. He's doing good, and we should help him, not burn him." "After listening to the veteran's words, those who had wanted to burn the educator all donated their own money.

Because of this speech, Lawrence Jones survived.Afterwards, when asked whether he hated those who wanted to hang and burn him, he said: "I have a lot of ideals to be busy realizing, how can I have free time to resent others?!"

1900 years ago, Epictethus once said that all causes and effects, fate will eventually make us pay for our mistakes. "Everyone has to pay the price for their own mistakes. People who know this truth will not quarrel with others, get angry with others, let alone scold others, insult others, offend others, and hate others."

In the history of the United States, no one person has been more blamed, framed and resented than Lincoln.However, Lincoln never judged others for his own preferences.Many times, when there was a task to be done, Lincoln immediately thought of his opponent, and the only reason was that the opponent could do it as well as he did.Lincoln appointed people on their merits, as long as there was a suitable position, even if they had maliciously humiliated him, he would appoint them regardless of the past, just like treating a friend he knew and trusted deeply.Naturally, Lincoln never fired someone because he hated or had a grudge against him.The reality is that Lincoln has entrusted many people who have humiliated or criticized him, such as McClelland, Edward Stanton and Chase... Lincoln firmly believes: "External environment, education and living habits or genetics make A man is what he is now, and he will not be changed in the future, so no one is praised for what he has done, and no one is dismissed for what he has done."

When I was a child, whenever the whole family gathered to pray, the family would pick out a sentence from a chapter in the Bible and read it, and then the whole family knelt down and read it together.To this day, I can vaguely hear my father reciting the proverbs of Christ on a remote farm in my hometown in Missouri.Those words, as long as people have ideals, they will keep reading: "Love your enemies, treat those who hate you well, bless those who curse you, and sincerely pray for those who abuse you." My father insisted on doing this all his life. , which made his heart extremely peaceful.

If you want to have a peaceful and peaceful state of mind, then keep the following principles in mind:

Never try to take revenge on your enemies, or we will do ourselves great harm.

(End of this chapter)