Calm: Be a calm woman

Chapter 26 Grace and Highness——A Calm-hearted Woman Dilutes Grievances and Resentments with a Broad Mind (2)
Complaining is a "double-edged sword"

For a man, he would rather live with a woman who is extravagant and wasteful than a woman who is picky and complains.Of course, in addition to this, a woman's misbehavior or failure to do housework can also lead to a marriage in the abyss of misery.Regarding this point, Dr. Louis Terman, a psychological expert, once conducted a survey on 1500 married couples, and the results confirmed that most husbands feel that complaining and pickiness are the most unbearable shortcomings of their wives.In this regard, the results of the Gallup poll are not far behind.

If you feel that the above data are not enough to make you recognize the poisonous effect of complaining on marriage, then the famous scientific research institution Johnson's research on temperament analysis can also confirm this point, that is, compared with other vices, complaining is more harmful than picking. It took a fatal toll on family life.

Dorothy Dix once wrote: "A woman's temper and temperament are more important than anything else to a man in order to achieve a happy marriage. A woman, even if she has all the virtues in the world, but she But if she is short-tempered, perverse, critical and complaining, then she will not be able to give a man a happy marriage."

"Many men fail to succeed because their wives always pour cold water on him. No matter how hard a man tries, they always complain endlessly, and blame their husband for not being able to earn enough money if they are not satisfied. Money, you can’t write a bestseller like other women’s husbands, and you can’t get a good job for yourself... Just imagine, if you are a man, how can you smile when you face such a complaining woman? Come out!"

Oddly, it seems like most women are like this, is it in women's nature to complain and find fault with their husbands?Not to mention ordinary men, even Socrates once had to hide under a tree in Athens in order to avoid his ill-tempered wife; Such a big man also had to endure his wife's endless complaints and pickiness.Caesar also had to choose to divorce because of his wife who "couldn't bear that violent temper".

So far, there are still many women who complain and find fault with their husbands and try to change them.However, I regret to report that the results of this approach are often bad.

A longtime friend of mine said that his wife nearly destroyed his career with all the ridicule and contempt for everything he did.At first, he worked in sales, and with great enthusiasm, he went out to find his clients.However, after returning home every day, what awaits him is not his wife's encouragement and comfort, but his wife's sarcasm and sarcasm.Facing him exhausted, his wife always sarcastically said: "Okay, our genius is back, did he earn the rent? Or did he just bring back a lesson from the manager?"

Although he had to endure his wife's cynicism, he continued to work tirelessly.A few years later, he finally became the executive vice president of a famous company and filed for divorce from his wife.Later, he married a very young girl.Compared to his ex-wife, no matter what he did, this young girl was able to support him with her love.In the face of abandonment, his ex-wife kept crying, and only he knew in his heart that the only reason why he left his wife was that he could not bear her complaints and pickiness.

The same thing happened to another friend's son of mine.He is a young and enthusiastic young man who is engaged in advertising.Because the competition in the advertising industry is too fierce, he is very eager to get his wife's comfort and understanding. However, his wife is very strong and always complains that her husband is not flexible enough to seize opportunities.For this reason, he almost lost confidence in himself, and was even full of despair about life.Under the influence of this negative emotion, his work fell into a dilemma, and he finally had to face unemployment.At this time, his wife filed for divorce.After the divorce, he got rid of his wife's complaints and accusations, and gradually he regained his self-confidence and the courage to face life.

For a woman who longs for a happy marriage, don't compare her husband with others. You must know that such complaints and pickiness are fatal to a man.For a man with strong self-esteem, every sentence like this is a sharp knife, pointing directly at the most vulnerable and soft place in his heart.If a 20-year-old woman always complains: "When can we live in a big house?" People hate endless whining experts.Perhaps, before the age of 40, she will become a loner and alone.

Don't dwell on even sharp criticism
In life, we inevitably encounter all kinds of criticism, including many malicious slanders and harsh words, which makes many women very angry and causes various troubles in their lives.In fact, being criticized is a normal state of life, because we cannot make what we do completely conform to the wishes of others.In the face of criticism, we must remember that as long as we have a clear conscience, we should laugh at criticism.Only in this way can we have a happy life.

It must be admitted that no one in the world can claim to be perfect, so we should face our imperfections calmly.Since everyone's life is accompanied by mistakes, it is inevitable to encounter criticism from others, then we must learn to forget these criticisms, and don't be obsessed with these malicious criticisms.Although everyone understands the truth, there are many women who can't do it.

Indeed, when we are actually confronted with those harsh criticisms, we tend to become annoyed, blue, and restless.Even if the criticism is well-intentioned, it is difficult for us to accept it calmly, let alone those malicious and vitriolic criticisms?
Alice Bonner is a very successful woman who works as the vice president of a large American company.For a woman, such an achievement is impressive.However, even though many people are very envious of Alice, Alice still feels distressed because the seemingly glamorous job cannot make her feel happy.For this reason, she had to ask me for help: "Mr. Carnegie, what should I do? I can't face it, so I have to ask for your help." Alice said with distress, "Actually, I have worked very hard. Because I hope I can do well enough. However, I still can't please everyone. I think the problem is not me, but because they always look at me critically."

After communicating for a period of time, I found that Alice is particularly sensitive to criticism from others.In the company, she occupies a high position and leads many employees. She not only hopes to be recognized by her superiors, but also hopes to be admired by her subordinates.She wants to be the perfect leader, so she has a strong desire to be perfect.This kind of mentality makes her unable to accept criticism from others, and a casual negative word from others will make her distressed for several days.In order to please everyone, Alice has almost done her best.However, Alice's efforts not only failed to achieve the expected results, but also led to the opposite.In order to please one person, she always inadvertently offends another person.Then, in order to please a second person, she caused others to disagree with her.Today, she finds herself in a prison of criticism because she always offends more people in order to get some people's approval.

In life, many people have made the same mistakes as Alice, including me once.Therefore, I especially understand Alice's mood and sympathize with her current situation.I decided to motivate Alice with examples of successful women, because I thought it would help her get out of this vicious circle.

I told Alice: "Ms. Alice, who do you think is more successful than Mrs. Roosevelt?"

Alice looked at me in amazement and said, "How can I compare with the President's wife? In my mind, she is the most successful woman."

I smiled and said, "Really? That's great! Did you know that among so many White House ladies, Mrs. Roosevelt not only has the most friends, but also has the most enemies. In addition, she is also the most controversial and criticized White House lady." .”

Obviously, Alice doubted my words and asked, "She is so good, how can she be criticized?"

"This is indeed the case." I said: "I once interviewed Mrs. Roosevelt and asked her how to deal with those malicious criticisms and accusations. She told me that she was once unable to face criticism from others, and she was not able to face criticism from others. She has a deep fear of criticism. Once, she was so distressed that she ran to her aunt and asked, "Auntie, I really want to do something, but I don't dare to do it because I am afraid of being criticized." The aunt looked at her. Said: "No matter what, as long as you think it is right, then do it. Everyone has everyone's idea, you don't have to care about what others say." Since then, Mrs. Roosevelt has firmly remembered her aunt's words. That sentence, and has lived her White House career by the side of it."

Alice is very smart. After hearing this, she knows how to deal with criticism.She suddenly realized, and said: "I see, I am the leader of the company, and I am the subject of the limelight, so I am more likely to be criticized. No matter what I do, there will be different voices and opinions. Instead of doing this, I should face it calmly. "

As it turned out, the changed Alice was happier and more successful.There are many women in life who cannot understand this truth like Alice. Therefore, when faced with sharp criticism from others, they either hold it in their hearts, keep it in their hearts, or immediately stand up to refute.In fact, the more they do this, the easier it is for them to be hurt by sharp arrows of criticism.We must know that it is dangerous to take other people's criticisms to heart all the time.

A few years ago, a reporter from the New York Sun attacked me and the adult training classes I ran in the paper.After reading that report, I was very angry and felt greatly insulted.I immediately called the editor-in-chief of the newspaper and asked him to publish another article to clarify me immediately.I felt like I had to teach that reporter a lesson and make him realize the mistake he made.

Since then, the editor-in-chief of the newspaper really did what I said, and I feel very proud of myself.However, when I recall what happened at that time now, my heart is full of guilt.Because at this moment, I have realized the truth that at least half of the readers who bought the "New York Sun" will not read that article, and at least half of the readers who read the article will not read that article attentively.Taking a step back, even if someone reads that article seriously, they will not take this matter to heart.But my behavior at the time was a little overreacted.

Ladies, we must understand that the reason we care about other people's criticism is because we overestimate our own status in other people's eyes.In fact, everyone cares more about themselves than spends too much time and energy on caring for others.That being the case, why should we keep in mind the criticism of others?
A good mood helps you maintain your health
There is a saying in "Life" magazine: "If you are angry for a long time, high blood pressure and heart disease will trouble people." Many diseases are caused by depression. If we can maintain mental health, we can reduce worries and become more confident. , so as to achieve success and enjoy a happy life.In order to have a healthy body, we should learn to take care of the annoying daily tasks with our own hands, instead of easily angering the various vital organs of our body, and finally make us lose our health.Shakespeare once said: "Never get angry with your enemies, or you will burn yourself with heat." In other words, even if we can't truly tolerate others and love our enemies, we should at least love ourselves.Our happiness should be in our own hands, not by our enemies.Only by giving up hatred can we truly take the initiative to control ourselves.

One fall, my assistant flew to Boston for a medical class.It can be said that this medical course is the most extraordinary in the whole world.The course is held once a week, and each participant must undergo a regular and thorough medical examination before admission.In fact, although this course has a psychological name, that is, "applied psychology", it is almost the same as a clinical experiment in psychology.According to the actual situation of the venue, most of the patients who come here are housewives suffering from mental distress.Perhaps it is because the life of housewives is relatively monotonous and boring, or it may be that housewives bear heavy psychological pressure, so most housewives are troubled by mental illness.

(End of this chapter)