FBI super mind-reading technique: teach you instant insight into people's hearts

Chapter 37 Resolving hostility and making you feel like a duck to water (2)
In 1969, Americans Armstrong, Aldrin and Collins flew to the moon on "Apollo 11" to perform a lunar landing mission. On July 7, Armstrong was the first to step out of the lunar module and set foot on the surface of the moon. At the same time, he made a famous speech: "That's one small step for man, but one giant leap for mankind." Everyone knows that Armstrong is the "Moon Landing No. 21", but few people know that Aldrin is the No. 1 who returned to Earth from outer space.

It is said that after the successful moon landing, at a press conference, a reporter suddenly asked Aldrin: "Armstrong stepped on the moon first this time, and he became the No. 1 moon landing. You don't feel sorry Is it?" Aldrin's answer to this embarrassing question was very witty, and he said neither humble nor overbearing: "Everyone, don't forget that I was the first to get out of the space capsule when I returned to Earth. So I am No.1 who entered the earth from another planet." Aldrin's answer won him the warmest applause at the scene.

A wise person will not let the petty profits in front of him blind his eyes, and take vicious competition to make money.Going beyond competition and adopting win-win cooperation in addition to competition is the act of a wise person.

stand your ground
Resoluteness without hostility is a powerful force that can make you stand firm in the face of adverse trends and move forward bravely in difficult situations.It is no exaggeration to say that this is a great force that makes you extremely powerful inside.

Su Dongpo, a litterateur in the Northern Song Dynasty, had a rough life. First, he was demoted to Huangzhou because he opposed the new law, and then he moved to Hangzhou because he opposed the complete abolition of the new law. He was not allowed to be reused in politics all his life.After being amnesty, he died of illness in Changzhou on the way back to the north.

Any scholar with a little understanding of politics knows that if you want to rise to the top, you can't do whatever you want and offend the ruler.But Su Dongpo was just the opposite. When the reformists were in power, they opposed the full implementation of the new law, and when the old-fashioned factions were in power, they strongly opposed the complete abolition of the new law. The result was intolerable by all parties.It wasn't because Su Dongpo was indifferent to the situation, but because he had a heart for the welfare of the people, so he was very firm, a firmness without any hostility, and would never change his position no matter what.

"Resoluteness without hostility" is a term commonly used by the American psychologist Kohut. In ordinary words, it can be explained as: No matter what you do, I will not be hostile to you, because I have my own position.

Many people in life think that their pain is caused by others. If others change, they can feel less pain.In fact, there is another reason, that is, it is difficult for us to say "no" to others.When other people, especially significant relatives and friends, impose something of them on us, we feel uncomfortable, but it is hard to say no.

Conflict arises when we have difficulty saying no to others.On the one hand, if you accept these things from relatives and friends, you will feel uncomfortable; on the other hand, if you refuse, you will feel guilty, or worry that the other party will be unhappy, or even leave you.

To solve these seemingly simple small problems, we must have a stand principle, which is "resolute without hostility", which can also be said to be "moderate but firm".

If you want to achieve "resoluteness without hostility", you must first be free from hostility in your heart.

The fundamental reason why others succeed in projecting hostility to you is that there is already a lot of hostility buried in your heart.If there is no hostility in your mind at all, then the projection of hostility will be completely ineffective.

There is a saying in Tibet: "If the spring does not dry up by itself, the soil cannot stop it." If there is no hostility in your heart, how can outsiders arouse your hostility.As the saying goes, "things must rot and then worms will grow."

Second, we must be good at controlling hostile emotions.

Psychologists believe that every severely suppressed emotion is a complex, and every complex is a blind spot in ourselves.Once this blind spot is touched, we lose control.But if these blind spots are noticed, they will naturally resolve.At that time, when someone else touches this place, it will not arouse our strong emotional response.

When a nearly [-]-year-old psychologist celebrated his birthday, his students asked him: "You have worked so hard, do you have no complexes now?" He replied: "Oh, no, it's just me I have a better understanding of my complexes, so I am no longer easily swayed by them."

Finally, be firm, just as the autumn wind sweeps away the fallen leaves.

To be clear about one's standpoint and not to be confused by foreign things, one must have Wen Tianxiang's determination to "everyone in life has died since ancient times, and keep his loyal heart according to history", as well as the perseverance of Tang monk and his disciples to seek the truth without fear of hardship.In short, have your own firm stand.A person without a stand is like a tree without roots and a boat without a rudder. He will lose his direction, lose himself, and become a reed swaying on the wall.

"Resoluteness without hostility" is like the water running towards the sea. It has no hostility towards mountains, rivers, forests, flowers and plants, and everything in the world. He is a winner, regardless of the alternation of spring and autumn and the change of sun and moon.

Get as many people as possible to say "yes"

The more “yes” we get from others, the more we can claim the upper hand for our own opinions.This rule works well when it comes to selling products, or anything else that requires convincing.

Excellent salesmen have mastered a tried and tested rule: get a positive answer.That is to say, the more affirmations you get, the more you can fight for the initiative for your own opinions.

The famous real estate agent Flisigen once said: "The more 'yes' we get from others, the more we can gain the initiative for our own opinions. Whether it is selling goods or everything else that needs to be convinced by others, this law Both are effective. An initial understanding of the needs of others is the purpose of this method.”

Flisigen did the same.

At one point, Flissigen wanted to buy several pieces of land, but the offers from several owners were far beyond what Flissigen could accept.

In this case, Flisigen did not give up.When those owners first offered the price, he did not counter the price, but accepted their price very readily.

Someone asked Flisigen: "What is the purpose of doing this?" He didn't express his opinion, but went to buy the land purchase right until he had the land purchase right of eight owners.Next, he invited eight owners to his trust company in Chicago.He said to these people: "Your asking price is too outrageous." He reminded them: "Maybe this is the only chance to sell the real estate." The price list, I hope they will allocate it by themselves.And so Flissigen accomplished a very difficult task with hardly any trouble and without wasting any time.

At the time of booking, he used a fixed price to make the eight owners automatically sell their real estate.Flisigan succeeded because he had a principle: try to get them to agree and avoid their objections.Approach them first, and then explain the situation and the stakes, so that you can easily get what you want.

This is indeed the case. Only by getting close to the goal, gaining understanding and sympathy from the other party bit by bit, and then conveying your opinions to the other party, and then influencing and changing him, can you finally gain the initiative and achieve your goals.When a person says "yes," or thinks so in his heart, we are close to him.Because we know his needs so well, he pays the same attention to us.However, when the other party says "no", or has the intention of rejecting in his heart, things are different.When our questions seem to have nothing to do with him, it means that we don't care about what he wants, and he will definitely be angry, because people's "self-esteem" comes from this.So if we don't get a "yes" in our dealings with others, we'd better try to keep the word "no" from them.

So how can we get the other party to say "yes" as often as possible?

One is to learn the art of asking questions and guide the other party to speak more.To ask a question is to ask yourself when there is no doubt, that is, to ask knowingly.But knowingly asking is not blind asking, you should ask what the other party is interested in and proud of, such as his brilliant performance, successful experience, current most concerned issues, and his most interested issues, etc.Asking questions is a great tool to understand the other party's psychology, and it is also the best way to approach those who are difficult to approach.Get the other person to talk about themselves by asking clever questions.Know that people are always happy and engaged when they talk about themselves.As long as the other party is happy, it is easy to interact with you.

The second is to find common ground, guide the other party to agree with their own views, and get a "yes" answer.

There are no people who can't speak in the world, only people who can't speak.If you want to be a successful person in the business world or in the workplace, you must take the initiative to speak, try your best to lead the other party towards the goal you set, and get a "yes" answer as much as possible.

No matter how close you are, give each other their own space

Nalan Xingde, a famous poet in the Qing Dynasty, once wrote: "If life is only as it was first seen, why is the autumn wind sadly painting a fan?" Even the ancients felt that if people can keep the distance and keep the mystery as they met for the first time, it would be a wonderful thing. What a wonderful state of life, it can be seen that intimacy and unreservedness are also the main factors that cause tension in interpersonal relationships.

Hedgehogs are covered with spikes, which are a magic weapon for hedgehogs to protect themselves in a critical situation, and the famous "hedgehog effect" comes from the spikes.

It is said that in the cold winter, two hedgehogs who love each other rely on each other for warmth.At the beginning, because the distance was too close, their respective thorns stabbed each other dripping with blood.So they distanced themselves, but they were too far away to keep out the cold.Later, they adjusted their posture and found an appropriate distance, which not only could keep each other warm, but also would not hurt each other.

Psychologically, the "hedgehog effect" reflects the psychological distance effect in interpersonal communication: that is, everyone needs to have a self-controllable self-space around them, which is like an invisible "bubble" for people to "separate". "A certain "field".Anyone trying to break into this "field" will cause dissatisfaction and even hatred of the owner.Even if they are as close as husband and wife, as close as flesh and blood, they should reserve a private space for each other in life.

There was a boy who was a lover. He once fell in love with a girl deeply, and he pursued hard for four years before he got the girl's heart.After the establishment of the relationship between boyfriend and girlfriend, the boy is caring and considerate to the girl he loves, and it can be said that he is meticulous. Whatever the girl wants to eat and wants, he will try his best to do it for her.Once, the boy and a few friends got together to drink and chat. After receiving her call, he immediately put down his wine glass and rushed into the dark night.It turned out that the girl wanted to eat jelly, but it was dark and cold outside, so she dared not go out to buy it by herself.At that time, everyone around them thought that they would walk into the palace of marriage hand in hand, but they didn't want to hear the news of their breakup after just five months.The girl revealed the reason for the breakup. It turned out that every time the girl had a party with her friends, the boy kept sending text messages or calling her to ask her when it was over, and even ran to the party, which made the girl very embarrassed.The girl felt that she had no personal space with him, as if she belonged to him alone.It was this sense of suffocation that made her choose to break up.It can be seen that to truly love someone, you must do it: to love her, you must give her full freedom; to love her, you must let her keep her own space; distance.

This is true in the field of love, and the workplace is no exception.Stone, the former president of General Electric, pays great attention to keeping a certain distance with employees at work, especially when dealing with middle and senior managers.In terms of workplace and treatment, Stone has never been stingy with caring for managers, but in his spare time, he never invites managers to visit his home, nor accepts their invitations.It is this kind of management that maintains a moderate distance that enables GM's various businesses to bloom - steadily growing.Keeping a certain distance from employees will neither put you above the top nor confuse you with employees.This is an optimal state of management.Keeping the distance depends on a certain principle, that is, treating everyone equally: both the leader himself and the employees can be restrained.Mastering this principle also masters the secret of successful management.

Effective use of the "hedgehog effect" is not only beneficial to others, but also self-interested.It is not easy to do this, you must know how to keep an appropriate distance, and leave the other party a space of their own.

First and foremost, respect the privacy of others.Even the closest people, such as husband and wife, should reserve a psychological space for each other.This kind of respect is manifested in not casually inquiring about other people's unwillingness, not taking the initiative to tell you things, not asking about other people's secrets, etc.Although excessive self-exposure does not have the problem of inquiring about other people's privacy, it does have the problem of getting too close to the other party, and it is easy to lose the proper interpersonal distance.

Second, there must be a sense of tolerance.This requires us to respect differences, tolerate individuality, tolerate each other's shortcomings, and understand each other's general faults.

The so-called distance produces beauty, and we must grasp the measure of "distance" in interpersonal communication, so that "the secret keeps the secret, and the sparse one keeps the secret", neither too close nor too far, otherwise there will be "distance, beauty". gone" embarrassing situation.

keep an appropriate silence

There is one thing that is more powerful and persuasive than shouting and shouting, and that is silence.The power of silence is thousands of times greater than the power of a frontal shock.

It is often said that "silence is golden". It can be seen that silence is a kind of power that "silence is better than sound at this time". As long as it can be used properly, it will receive unexpected results.Keeping a proper silence is a special way of dealing with the world, a golden formula of wisdom in dealing with interpersonal relationships, and a magic weapon for success.

A successful leader does not necessarily have to be meticulous.Those nagging and chattering leaders will make people around them extremely nervous. They will think that the leaders don't believe them, and they still have doubts about their ability to think decisively.Over time, this leader will become an object of boredom and a person who is unwilling to be approached by subordinates.

Silence is a kind of psychological warfare. What people are afraid of is not that you talk too much, but that you don't speak.Your few words or even no words will make the other party feel that you have everything under control and that you have everything in mind, so there is no need to say more.

There is a garment processing boss in Hong Kong who wants to change jobs after doing this for many years.He originally bought a batch of garment processing machines from the United States. After several years of use, after deducting wear and tear, it should be worth 100 million Hong Kong dollars.He made up his mind that the bottom line for selling these machines must not be lower than HK$100 million.One buyer talked a lot about the various problems of these machines during the negotiation, which annoyed the boss very much.But when he was about to have a seizure, he suddenly remembered the reserve price of HK$100 million that he had set, so he calmed down again, without saying a word, watching the man continue to talk.In the end, that person also said that he was tired, and suddenly said: "Hey, man, I think I can give you a maximum of 150 million for this machine. If there is more, I really don't want it." So the boss went smoothly. Land earned a full HK$50 more than planned.

Keeping an appropriate silence is not saying nothing, but accumulating momentum, forcing the opponent to showdown, and waiting for the opportunity to strike later.It's like drawing a bow and shooting an arrow. You don't say a word during the pulling process.King Zhuang of Chu was silent for three years after he ascended the throne. On the surface, he was indulging in wine and sex, not thinking about making progress, but in fact he was observing, accumulating strength, and discerning loyalty from traitors.As he himself said: "If you don't fly, you will fly to the sky; if you don't sing, you will be a blockbuster." King Mengzhuang, who broke the silence, finally achieved some hegemony, making Chu no longer regarded as a barbarian state. , He also became one of the Five Heroes of the Spring and Autumn Period.

Keeping an appropriate silence is not to accommodate the mistake, but to remind the other party that calmness is the way to solve the problem.On the silent battlefield, the more intense the emotion, the more people around you will judge it as the instigator of the incident.

Maintaining appropriate silence is not a connivance to tell tales, to a certain extent, it stops the spread of truth and wrong.In the enterprise, what some people love most is to make a small report to an influential leader, reporting what XX said, what he did, and even why he did it today, and the analysis is clear and logical.Once the leaders become interested in this and then go to the bottom of it, these people will immediately feel that their second career has been recognized and appreciated by the leaders, and they will become more unscrupulous, causing troubles all over the city, and the company's interpersonal relationship is also messed up.Therefore, what business leaders have to do is to keep an appropriate silence, so that the tellers will feel particularly boring, and they are wasting their tongues.After that, right and wrong also lost the source of communication.

Keep the appropriate silence, and wait until the parties in the dispute have lost their mental excitement and exhausted before speaking out.Because when people are hotheaded, they only want to radiate heat outward, and they will not accept other people's words of persuasion at all.Silence tends to moderate conflicts. When people are arguing, seeing a quiet bystander beside them may regret the ugly and fierce confrontation.

The Master said: "If you hear a lot of doubts, but be cautious about what you say, you will be few; if you see many deficiencies, and be careful about what you do, you will have few regrets. If you speak few words, and do few regrets, you will be rewarded!" It is about wanting to do well. As an official, you should listen and read more, keep what you doubt and don’t understand, and wait to ask others for advice, be cautious in your speech and action.In this way, there will be less regret in dealing with the world, and there will be no mistakes in behavior.To make a living in this way, you can do whatever you want, and the salary is one of them.Cautious speech requires us to keep an appropriate silence, to ask more questions, and to be cautious and decisive, so that we can lead ourselves on the road to success.

(End of this chapter)