speaking psychology

Chapter 5 Persuasive eloquence that varies from person to person

The famous ancient psychologist Ciceron once said: "The face is the mirror of the soul".With the development of science, a comprehensive discipline has been born that specializes in the subtle relationship between appearance and personality.It can be seen that if you can read other people's expressions at a glance, then you can easily grasp the psychological changes of others, which will bring great help to your interpersonal communication and make you a good interpersonal communication expert who everyone loves .

persuasion

The reason why many people cannot persuade the other party is because the straightforward language offends the other party and makes the other party feel uncomfortable.

Everyone wants to be respected, and they don't want others to speak to themselves in a commanding tone, but psychological research also shows that everyone has an exclusive mentality, especially when others speak to themselves in a commanding tone.Therefore, when persuading others, it is best to win the favor of the other party first, talk to the other party in a negotiating tone, and then propose a solution, let the other party listen to you calmly, and finally achieve the purpose of persuasion.

When Charlie first moved to a community, he discovered that the neighbor had a big wolf dog. What surprised Charlie was that the neighbor always let the big wolf dog run around on the street.

Although this big wolfhound looks very docile, every time Charlie's daughter sees it, she always screams in fright and is very frightened.Ever since she knew there was a big wolf dog outside, her daughter seldom went out, except to play in her own yard, and never went anywhere.Charlie felt that the matter needed to be dealt with immediately, so he visited the dog's owner and explained his purpose.

Charlie said: "Hello, I'm your new neighbor Charlie. I just came to discuss something with you. Your big dog is indeed very cute and lively, but my daughter is terrified every time she sees him. , so I dare not go outside to play, no matter how much I persuade, it is useless. So, I would like to ask you a favor, can you let your dog stay at home between five and six in the afternoon every day? My daughter can come out to play for a while, I hope you can help me with this..."

After hearing what Charlie said, the neighbor nodded and agreed very readily.The neighbor also said to Charlie with a little apology: "I really didn't expect your daughter to be afraid of dogs. I'm really sorry."

The reason why Charlie was able to persuade successfully was that before expressing his intention, he first praised the other party's dog, then explained the facts, and then proposed a reasonable solution.

The reason why many people cannot persuade the other party is because the way of speaking confidently and confidently irritates the other party and makes the other party feel unhappy. Not only cannot the other party be persuaded, but it will also deteriorate the relationship between the two parties.Before convincing the other party, you should tell the other party the existing facts, let the other party know your intentions, and then express your thoughts in a negotiating tone, so that the other party can put down their guard and respect your opinion.

A simple formula for persuading others: persuasion = facts + eloquence.

If you want the other party to accept your idea, you should first reason and convince others with reason.If you just stand there and talk nonsense without any reason, I'm afraid no one will listen to you.

During the Warring States period, there was a villain named Su Qin. He was originally a poor scholar who was looked down upon by others, but later he was able to wear the seal of the Six Kingdoms, which had a great impact on the political situation at that time and created a miracle in history.

Su Qin has a set of amazing theories: He Zong.Without this set of theories, no matter how good his eloquence is, he would not be able to impress those arrogant monarchs at all. This shows the importance of convincing people with reason.And if you really want to convince people with reason, you have to do the following two things.

1.Speak the truth

When reasoning, you need to produce evidence and discuss the facts.Use simple and clear language to explain the truth thoroughly.At the same time, you need to be clear about what to say first, what to say later, what to focus on, and what to repeat.

2.speak with facts
The power of fact is like a bombshell.A fact is often more convincing than a hundred or a thousand abstract theories.Sometimes, you just need to lay out the facts to convince people.Facts speak louder than words. If you find a lot of facts to prove your point of view, it will be difficult for others to refute it.

Once this is clear, it is easy to convince others.

The essentials of persuading others

Many people cannot persuade others because they do not know the other party well enough and do not know what method to use to communicate with the other party.Persuasion has played an important role in people's communication since ancient times. Confucius traveled around the world to talk about rituals, and Su Qin and Zhang Yi were connected vertically and horizontally among the seven countries, and they have been passed down through the ages.However, how should we persuade each other in real life?
1.Persuade to find the best breakthrough point
Persuasion is not only an art, but also the embodiment of a person's comprehensive quality.If you want to persuade someone in your daily life, you must master some principles and skills.The reason why many people can't persuade others is because they haven't studied the other party carefully, and they haven't thought about what kind of expression they should use, thinking that they "see through others at a glance".This is like a careless doctor who prescribes medicine without knowing the patient's condition, and of course the condition will not be alleviated.

The following methods can help you find a breakthrough in a short period of time.

(1) Understand the character of the other party
People with different personalities have different degrees of acceptance of other people's views.For example, the other party's personality is impatient or stable;Once you understand the other party's personality, you can persuade the other party in a targeted manner.

(2) Understand each other's strengths
A person's strengths are what he can understand and be most interested in.When persuading others, you have to start with the other party's strengths, and you need to pay attention to the following three points: first, you can talk with the other party; second, the way you speak is acceptable to the other party; third, you can use the other party's strengths as Persuade the other party's favorable conditions.For example, when assigning the other party to do sales work, you can say: "You have more advantages than others in this area, and you have more potential in this area." Saying this can not only reflect your trust in him, but also arouse his enthusiasm. Interest in a new job.

(3) Understand each other's interests
Some people like to play chess, some people like to sing, some people like to paint, everyone likes to talk about things they are interested in, start from here, open his chatterbox, and then convince the other party, you will easily achieve the goal of persuasion.

(4) Know what the other person thinks
Everyone cares about different things. If you can really understand his inner thoughts, you can persuasion in a targeted manner.

(5) Understand the emotions of the other party
Usually, the factors that affect the other party's emotions mainly include the following aspects: first, the other party's mood swings due to the influence of other things before the conversation; second, the other party's attention has not been concentrated during the conversation; Changes in perceptions and attitudes.Therefore, before talking, you should understand the emotions and attitudes of the other party, which is a very important part of persuading the other party.

2.Elevate the opponent first, then persuade
When persuading the other party, you must properly elevate the other party, then no matter how difficult things are, they will become easier.Because whether they are adults or children, they like to be praised, even if they still have a gap with the words of praise, they will work hard towards this goal.

John Johnson is a famous American entrepreneur. In 1960, he decided to construct a building for his company headquarters in Chicago.In this regard, he visited countless banks back and forth, but did not raise a single loan.So he hired a contractor and started building with the $200 million he managed to raise, before raising the remaining $500 million.If the $200 million is used up and there is still no money, then the contractor will stop working.

John happened to be having dinner with a MetLife executive when the funds raised were barely enough to last a week.He casually took out a few blueprints that he always carried with him, trying to arouse the executive's interest in investing in the building.When he was about to spread the blueprint on the dining table, the supervisor said to John very seriously: "It's not convenient for us to talk here, but you can come to my office tomorrow."

The next day, when the supervisor told John that he was willing to invest, John said, "It's really great, but the only condition is that I will get the loan commitment today."

"You must be kidding, we have never committed to a loan on the first day of investment." The director replied.

John said: "You are the head of the department, maybe you should try it, because you have enough power, I believe you can get everything done in a day."

The supervisor smiled triumphantly and said, "Okay, then I'll give it a try!"

Things went smoothly. During the communication, John subtly raised the identity of the other party, so he succeeded in persuading him once and raised a loan when his money was about to run out.

Therefore, when you want to persuade the other party, you may wish to use your brain to think about what kind of persuasion is more powerful. However, if you master the skills mentioned in the article, the probability of successfully persuading the other party will definitely be greatly improved.

speak into each other's heart
Bai Juyi once said: "The one who touches people's hearts is not preceded by emotion." That is to say, to persuade and impress people, you need to be moved with emotion. It was for his own good, not against him.On the contrary, the cold attitude and stylized words will make the other party feel rebellious and enhance the strength of persuasion.The core of persuading the other party is to conquer the other party's heart and let the other party have emotional resonance.

Li Mi, a writer, once held the official position of Shang Shulang in the Shu Han Dynasty. After the fall of the Shu Han Dynasty, he retired to the mountains and forests.Emperor Wu of Jin knew his talent well, so he called him back to Beijing to serve as the prince's washing horse, but Li Mi refused.For this reason, Emperor Wu of Jin was furious.In such a critical situation, Li Mi wrote a letter to Emperor Wu of Jin.

"...I think that the Jin Dynasty of Shengming ruled the world with filial piety. All the elderly people have received pity and care from the court. What's more, my grandparents and grandchildren are lonely and poor."

"When I was young, I was an official in the Shu Han Dynasty, and I was a doctor. I originally hoped to be prominent in my official career, and I didn't hold back my reputation. Now I am a lowly captive in a ruined country. , is already very rich, how dare you hesitate and wander, have a higher desire?"

"It's just because my grandmother Liu's breath is short like the setting sun on the western mountain. If I don't have my grandmother's support, I can't be where I am today. If my grandmother loses my support, I won't be able to spend more days. Grandparents and grandchildren The two depend on each other for life, so I really can't leave my grandmother and leave home."

"My minister Li Mi is 44 years old this year, and my grandmother Liu is 96 years old. In this way, the days for me to serve His Majesty loyally are long, but the days for me to repay my grandmother's upbringing are short! Therefore, with the selfishness of crows feeding back, I beg Your Majesty has allowed me to take care of my grandmother until the end of her life."

"I beseech Your Majesty to take pity on my foolishness and allow me to make a small wish so that my grandmother Liu can survive her old age. I will dedicate my life to Your Majesty while I am alive, and I will make a sketch to repay you after I die. I have an unbearable feeling in my heart. Frightened, I specially wrote this book, and played it to the Holy One.”

This is the "Chen Qing Biao" that has been handed down forever.Comparing heart to heart and reasoning with emotion, Li Mi stated the facts with affectionate language.Emperor Wu was very moved, and the anger in Emperor Wu of Jin subsided. He also gave Li Mi two slaves and maidservants, and asked the counties to support his grandmother.

Jack Kaivey is the section chief of an electrical company in California. This person has always been good at using people, and every time he implements a plan, he will set an example, take the most difficult work to himself, and wait until everything is on the right track After that, he will hand over the work to his subordinates and retreat behind the scenes.While his way of handling things was good, he was often thought to be too proud because of his tendency to lead by example.

For some reason, Kaiwei, who has always been in high spirits, has seemed listless recently.It turned out that the company's economic downturn, poor capital turnover, and budget cuts made the company's operations almost come to a standstill.If this situation continues, the consequences will be disastrous.So he implemented a new plan, and encouraged the employees to say: "Everyone, do your best! I will not treat you badly after you succeed." Unfortunately, seeing that the goal is about to be achieved, it still falls short, so it is no wonder that he is depressed. .

After seeing this scene, the manager who took good care of Kaiwei on weekdays said to him: "You have been listless recently. I can understand the disappointment caused by failure, but the reason why you failed is because you just blindly pay attention to what should be done. How to achieve the goal while ignoring the interpersonal relationship, if you can think more and be more considerate of others, this kind of problem will be solved." The manager paused for a while, and then continued, "A man is a man who can bend and stretch. A good manager. You like to set an example too much, eager for quick success, and ignore their position, thinking that they will definitely be able to complete the work as you wish, but in the end you will put pressure on the employees. This is probably the reason, so even if everyone recognizes you Capable, but your deployment is difficult. Everyone should know the importance of work, so you really don't need to put too much pressure on them. You take a few days off to let your spirit recover. As for work, I will Help you."

This personal experience of Jack Kaiwei let us know that we need to always consider issues from the standpoint of others and compare our hearts to achieve the purpose of persuading others. Otherwise, no amount of confidence and ability can win the conviction of others .Anyone who knows how to play baseball knows that when we need to catch the ball, we should gradually retreat along the ball, so that the power of the ball will weaken.In the same way, when we persuade others, if we can apply the method of catching baseball, I believe it will become easier to persuade others.

Both soft and hard, the effect is better

Violence and tenderness, used separately, everyone can use them freely, but the effect produced is not very good.If you combine the two, a two-pronged approach, you can get good results.

In the process of persuading others, the use of both rigidity and softness can make the other party "retreat" decently on the one hand, and on the other hand can stick to one's principles and let others accept one's opinions. The use of this method can make Many things became logical.

Ma Qian of the Taishi Company recorded in "Historical Records Funny Biography": During the Warring States Period, King Qi Wei was extravagant and licentious, ignoring state affairs, and enjoying drinking for a long night.As the leaders and subordinates work together, the bureaucrats are completely out of business, and the country is about to perish.But at this juncture, no one dared to speak out, and in the end Chunyu Kun, who was "less than four feet long", came forward.But Chunyu Kun didn't put forward admonitions to King Qi Wei aggressively and straight-forwardly, but struck up a chat with him first.

He said to King Qiwei: "There is a big bird in our country of Qi. It has been five years since it landed on the roof of the king, but it neither flies nor sings. Do you know the reason?"

Although King Qi Wei was licentious and good at drinking, he himself was very different from Xia Jie and Shang Zhou, who were as bad as kings, so when he heard Chunyu Kun's hidden words, he was stung and awakened, so He quickly replied, "I know. This big bird will stop singing when it doesn't sing, and it will surprise you when it sings; if it doesn't fly, it will fly, and it will soar into the sky when it flies. Just wait and see!"

After finishing speaking, he immediately stopped singing and dancing, quit drinking and went to court, effectively cleaned up government affairs, strictly governed officials, received a total of 72 county magistrates, rewarded 1 meritorious person, and killed 1 guilty person.Then he led the army to fight back, repelled the princes who were about to invade Qi, and regained all the land occupied by other countries, and Qi soon became strong again.

Chunyu Kun did not use very sharp words to remonstrate, but avoided talking, and there was some force and blame in his soft words, so that the other party could accept his opinion.

The soft and hard method can also be completed by two people.

Many works of a writer who are popular with young people have been made into movies. Many people have paid to watch movies adapted from his original works in theaters. Clapping for highlights in the movie, like Americans in the 20s laughing at Chaplin's performance.The film is a detective film, and the most attractive part is the highlight of the police interrogation of the prisoner: the police officer threatens and intimidates the prisoner, driving the prisoner to a corner; Attitude expresses understanding and sympathy for the prisoner.

First of all, the criminal is interrogated by an aggressive police officer, who destroys the other party's will with a fierce offensive, and explains to him that the evidence is solid, the accomplice has confessed, etc., forcing the prisoner into a dilemma.After accepting such cruel interrogation, some people will voluntarily submit, but the stubborn prisoners still refuse to submit.

In this case, another police officer with a mild personality will be sent to the scene.The police officer completely stood on the criminal's side, comforted him, sympathized with him, and understood him from the bottom of his heart, "Your wife and children all hope that you can be treated with leniency, and I hope you can think about it for them" and so on.Criminals are usually overwhelmed by this kind of soft trick and tell their crimes.

Whether it is in the movie or in real life, as long as this method is adopted, criminals will confess their guilt in all likelihood.

This method is called "relief and confession method", which is a strange method of psychological suggestion.It is completed by the cooperation of the aggressive type and the gentle type. One party first pushes the other party to a corner and makes him lose confidence; at this time, the other person appears to point out a secret passage for him to escape.In this case, the other party will of course choose the way to escape.

Whether criminals or normal people, most of them will choose to compromise when encountering such soft and hard psychological hints.Because most people can't bear this kind of psychological pressure, they choose to tell the truth in the face of huge psychological pressure.That's the beauty of it.

"Knocking on the sidelines" is convincing

When persuading others to do something, you don't have to put forward your own opinions in person at all, and you don't have to make it clear. It may be more effective to use a side-by-side approach.

In 636 BC, with the help of Duke Mu of Qin, Chong Er, son of Jin who had wandered abroad for 19 years, returned to Jin and became king.

When crossing the river, Uncle Hu still regarded the old mats and curtains they had when they were in exile as treasures, and he was reluctant to throw away any of them.Chong Er saw it, laughed, and said that he was about to become a king, why do you still care about these things?He ordered them all to be thrown away.Hu Yan was very disgusted with Chonger's words and deeds of forgetting poverty before gaining wealth, and worried that he would abandon these old officials who had followed him for many years just like discarding these broken copper and iron.

So, he immediately told Chong'er that he wanted to stay in Qin, because after wandering outside for so many years, he was physically and mentally exhausted, and his body was as useless as the old mat that Chong'er discarded just now, and it would be useless to go back. up.

Chong'er quickly understood what Hu Yan meant, and immediately made a self-criticism, and asked Uncle Hu to pick up all the things, saying that after returning to China, he would never forget his great kindness and virtue, and asked him to help him wholeheartedly. Rule the world.

When persuading others, some things are embarrassing to explain directly, let alone point out that the other party’s opinions and views are wrong. In such a situation, you might as well enlighten people with things, which are often easier to be accepted.

Although positive persuasion can express the sincerity of the persuader to those who have resistance, it cannot achieve the effect of eliminating the resistance of the other party. However, if the form of persuasion is slightly changed, it can achieve the effect that key persuasion cannot achieve.

In ancient times, people used to express their inner thoughts by means of "cryptic language".This approach is more subtle and gives a twist.It usually uses other words or gestures to make various hints, so that the other party can ponder and speculate.Clever use of lingo can not only make the language popular, but also easily attract the attention and interest of the other party.

After King Wu of Zhou eliminated Yin, he entered Chaoge, the capital of Zhou.Hearing that there was a highly respected person in Yin, King Wu went to meet him and asked why the Yin Dynasty fell.

Elder Yin said sincerely to King Wu: "If you want to know the answer, please set a date for a certain day, and then we can discuss it at that time." The agreed time came, but the old man did not keep the appointment.King Wu suddenly felt strange.The Duke of Zhou said: "I already know. This man is a gentleman. He will not embarrass his own monarch according to the requirements of etiquette, so he can't speak out. As for his unfaithfulness, it actually hints at the reason for Yin's demise. He is hinting at us."

Qi Jinggong Fallu, when approaching Xu Cheng, found a man named Dongmen Wuze.Qi Jinggong asked him: "How is the age of the Lu State?" Dongmen Wuze replied: "The ice in the shade is frozen to the bottom, and the ice in the sun is five inches thick." Yanzi was told about this.Yanzi said: "This is a man of great knowledge. You asked about Niancheng, but he answered ice, which is reasonable. The ice in the shade freezes, and five inches in the sunny place, which shows that the weather is normal. , the politics is stable, and the top and bottom are harmonious and united. It means that what you want to attack is a country with sufficient food and solidarity. I am afraid that the people of Qi will suffer and the soldiers will be killed. I am afraid that the result will not be as you wish. Therefore, please Your Majesty treats the Lu State with courtesy, and in another way appeases their hatred towards us and repatriates their captives to show our sincerity." Qi Jinggong immediately said: "Okay!" So he decided not to attack Lu.

Lingo requires the other party to have a certain comprehension ability, otherwise it will not achieve the desired effect.Therefore, we need to take the other party's position and attitude into consideration when making insinuations on the other party.

For stubborn people, it is advisable to adopt a roundabout strategy

If you want to persuade others, especially those who are stubborn, straightforward persuasion may not be effective. At this time, it is better to use devious tactics to persuade.

Persuasion is a very important language art.Only by convincing the other party can we communicate with them and achieve our own goals.But to persuade others, especially those who are stubborn, is not a simple matter, and requires superb eloquence skills.First of all, you should think about such a problem. If this problem is not solved, it is impossible to persuade others.The question is: Why can you convince others?In other words, why do others have to obey you?Read the following story, you can find out.

Duke Jing of Qi liked hunting very much. For this reason, he specially fed an eagle to chase the hares. Zhu Zou took care of these eagles.Once, Zhu Zou accidentally let the eagle fly away.After Qi Jinggong learned of this, he was very angry and ordered Zhu Zou to be pulled out and beheaded.Yanzi who stood aside said to Qi Jinggong: "Zhu Zou's crime is unforgivable. You can't just kill him so easily. Let me announce his three crimes first, and then execute him." Qi Jinggong agreed.So Yanzi pointed at Zhu Zou and said: "Zhu Zou, you raised eagles for the king, but let one of them fly away. This is the first crime; you let the king order killing for the eagle, this is the second crime; Killing you will make people in the world think that the king is a person who values ​​eagles and despises scholars. This is the third crime. Your Majesty, please order him to be killed now." The wise Qi Jinggong knew the meaning of Yan Zi's words, so he reluctantly said : "Forget it, let him go."

Everyone in the world has a rebellious mentality and will not be easily persuaded by others. If you are Yanzi, in this case, you may wish to apply the previous question: Why can you persuade Qi Jinggong?
Let us go back to the beginning of the incident and follow Yan Zi's thinking to find the answer.

At that time, Qi Jinggong was furious, and Yanzi must have thought: How should I dissuade him?Should he point out his mistakes directly?Of course it’s not possible. Qi Jinggong is the king of a country, he is a person who loves face very much, and now he is angry. If he confronts him face to face, not only will he not be able to achieve the purpose of dissuading him, he may even take his anger out on me. At that time, people will be helpless Instead, you put yourself in danger.What should we do?The most urgent task is to extinguish Qi Jinggong's anger.You might as well say what Qi Jinggong wanted first, and then adapt to the situation.However, Yanzi knew very well in his heart that he was following Qi Jinggong on the surface, not really supporting him in making mistakes, but just a roundabout way.

In this way, although Yanzi was blaming Zhu Zou on the surface, he was actually criticizing Qi Jinggong, and he made a lot of noise, which finally made Qi Jinggong change his decision to kill Zhu Zou.

Yan Zi's method is indeed very superb. If you can also learn to use devious strategies to reason with people, then the probability of success in persuading others will be greatly increased.

Hidden persuasion motives
Subtly concealing the motivation of persuasion, so that the persuasion can "accidentally" receive the persuasion information, can greatly increase the credibility of the information.

There is a myth in ancient Greece: Zeus gave Pandora a box, which was filled with the suffering and pain in the world.Zeus sincerely told her not to open it.Pandora was very curious, the more she refused to open it, the more she wanted to open it to see what was inside.As a result, she opened the box and released all the suffering and pain in the world.

In fact, people are all curious, the more things that are not allowed, the more they have to do; the more difficult things are, the more precious they appear.Psychologists believe that human beings have a nature of exploring the truth, no matter what they want to find out, in order to reveal its mysteries.It is this instinct that makes people curious and drives us to find out the truth.

Using this, when persuading others, in order to increase the credibility of the information and attract people's attention to this information, you can subtly hide the motivation of persuasion, so that the persuaded people feel that they have obtained it unintentionally. such unexpected information.

"Say", not "say what".In other words, the kung fu of the mouth must be practiced to the home.If the same words are expressed in different ways, the effect will be completely different.

One rainy day, a professor went to the church to pray, but his umbrella was accidentally taken away by someone else. This umbrella was a gift from a friend, and he cherished it very much. In desperation, he had no choice but to look for it in the newspaper. Neither was found.

One day, the professor told a businessman about it.

"How is the content of your advertisement written?" The businessman asked sincerely.

"The advertisement is here, you can take a look." The professor said while taking out a piece of paper cut from a newspaper from his pocket.

The businessman took it over and read: "I accidentally lost an umbrella in the church last Sunday. If any kind person picks it up, please send it to No. 10 Broad Street. I will give you 5 pounds as a reward."

The businessman said: "Advertising is a science. You can't write like this. You can't find an umbrella like this. I will write another advertisement for you. If you still can't find an umbrella, I will buy you a new umbrella." .”

The advertisement written by the businessman soon appeared in the newspaper.Early the next morning, the professor was surprised when he opened the door. There were six or seven umbrellas lying in his yard.These umbrellas are of different colors, cloth and silk, new and old, big and small, all thrown in from outside the yard.

Of course, the black umbrella that the professor lost was also inside.Several of the umbrellas were still tied with cloth strips, which said that if you accidentally took the wrong one, please don't say anything.The professor immediately told the businessman about the situation, and the businessman said: "These people are quite honest."

The professor felt very strange, so he asked the businessman: "What is written in your advertisement?"

The businessman said: "Last Sunday evening, someone saw someone taking an umbrella from the door of the church. If the umbrella taker does not want to get into trouble, please return the umbrella to No. 10 Broad Street. Everyone knows who a person is."

The reason why the businessman's advertisement can have such an obvious effect is mainly because he grasped the psychological weakness of the umbrella thief.If you want to persuade others, you must find out the psychological weakness of the person being persuaded, so that you can achieve twice the result with half the effort.If you don't believe it, you might as well give it a try.

(End of this chapter)