speaking psychology

Chapter 6 Advanced Rejection Eloquence

In life and work, we often encounter situations where others ask us for help. Usually, we will readily agree, and then try our best to help, but when we really cannot meet the request, we also need to refuse.Don't think that rejection is an easy task, otherwise it will lead to resentment.Therefore, we need to learn and firmly grasp the eloquence of rejection.

Preemptive
When you realize that what the other person says next is not good for you, or that he wants you to do something you don't like to do, you might as well preemptively, speak before he speaks, and hint to him with a clear attitude, Make it impossible for him to make a request to you as he wishes, so as to achieve the ultimate goal of tactfully refusing.

The essence of the application of preemptive strikes lies in "first" and more important in "system".Seize the opportunity to speak first, use ingenious words to "stalk and intercept" the other party, and seal all the actual thoughts in his heart, so as to grasp the initiative of the conversation.

Cao Cao has been making active pre-war preparations for attacking Wu.It is not difficult to defeat Wu with Cao Cao's strength, but what gave him a headache was that the leader of Wu was Zhou Yu, who was resourceful and had a deep understanding of the art of war. Zhou Yu's existence undoubtedly slowed Cao Cao down. The footsteps of destroying Wu.

For this reason, Cao Cao specially sent Jiang Gan to persuade Zhou Yu to surrender.A few days later, Jiang Gan arrived in Jiangdong in a hurry.Zhou Yu quickly understood Jiang Gan's intentions after getting the news, so he decided to pre-emptively defeat Jiang Gan's plan.

As soon as the two met, Zhou Yu said, "Zi Yi, let's open the skylight and speak honestly. The purpose of your coming from a long distance this time is to help Cao Cao convince me, right?" Confused, he hesitated again and again before saying: "As old friends, you and I have finally met once, how can you say such a thing?"

During the banquet, when Zhou Yu introduced Jiang Gan to the soldiers, he said: "This is my classmate and friend, the famous Jiang Gan. Although he came from Jiangbei, please don't get me wrong. He is definitely not here to lobby for Cao Cao. I can guarantee it." Then he untied his sword and handed it to his subordinates, saying: "You use my sword as a wine prisoner. Today's banquet is only about friendship. Who dares to mention the relationship between Cao Cao and Soochow? If there is any war, beheaded immediately for public display." Zhou Yu's action surprised Jiang Gan, so he didn't say a word about persuading him to surrender.

After the banquet, Zhou Yu grabbed Jiang Gan's hand and said: "It is such a blessing to meet a monarch who regards himself as a confidant in this world. But they are as close as brothers, obedient to their words, and share both good and bad, this kind of friendship cannot be shaken even if people like Su Qin, Zhang Yi, Lu Jia, and even Li Sheng who are good at lobbying are born again." These words made Jiang Gan come again He was also unable to reveal his original intention, so Zhou Yu also used this pre-emptive technique to politely reject Jiang Gan.

Although this is just an ancient story, the characteristics of the preemptive strike strategy can be summarized through Zhou Yu's actions and words as long as a careful analysis is made.

1.Seal first

Before Jiang Gan stated his purpose, Zhou Yu was the first to break Jiang Gan's intention straight to the point, making it difficult for him to speak under embarrassment and panic, so that his mouth could be firmly sealed.

2.Repress

At the banquet, Zhou Yu handed over the sword to his subordinates and appointed him as the wine supervisor, and declared that he could only talk about the friendship between friends and not mention the war between Cao Cao and Soochow, otherwise he would be beheaded immediately for public display.This remark was actually addressed to Jiang Gan, and he used strong words to suppress his intentions, so that he did not dare to speak easily because he was afraid of the military order.

3.Resurrection

After the banquet, Zhou Yu sincerely expressed the deep friendship between him and the monarch of Wu.This remark is to warn Jiang Gan: Only a villain will do things to drive others apart, and a big man is extremely disdainful of this.If Jiang Gan is not a person who understands current affairs and insists on speaking out to persuade him to surrender, it is equivalent to treating himself and Zhou Yu as villains.As a result, Zhou Yu successfully surrounded Jiang Gan with words, making it even more difficult for him to speak.

4.last hint

In the end, Zhou Yu took advantage of the situation to express the meaning that even a person who is good at lobbying cannot persuade his heart, and made his attitude clear.It implies that Jiang Gan does not need to spend any more effort to persuade himself to surrender, because this will not succeed.

In this way, Jiang Gan has been in a state of being suppressed from the beginning to the end. He wanted to persuade him to surrender but he couldn't speak up. In the end, his plan fell through.

Find the right time to preemptively strike, and suppress the opponent before he attacks. This method will not hurt the feelings of both parties but also achieve the purpose of rejection. It can be said to kill two birds with one stone.But in the process of using it, we must also pay attention to the wording, and be concerned about the face of the other party.

Rarely confused is an attitude
When the other party puts forward conditions or demands that you cannot accept, how to effectively refuse becomes a very distressing thing.If you really can't find a suitable excuse to refuse, it's better to just pretend to be stupid with the other party.In this way, you don't have to worry about the adverse impact of "too much talk will lose" on human relationships and interest relationships, and you can skillfully express your rejection.

Generally speaking, there are two methods of pretending to be stupid, namely, keeping silent and answering irrelevant questions.No matter which one is used as long as it is used properly, it can achieve the desired effect.

1.silence

Silence is a commonly used method of rejection, which can be divided into narrow sense and broad sense.Silence in the narrow sense means keeping silent and not saying a word.Silence in a broad sense refers to the comprehensive use of factors such as gaze, demeanor, expression, and action instead of words, expressing one's inner meaning either explicitly or secretly.Under what circumstances can the strategy of silence be used?
(1) When making a suggestive statement

While silence is an alternative form of vague language, in some cases it also signals a definite attitude.Sometimes it is inconvenient to directly disclose one's point of view due to the consideration of the general environment, so you can express it with silence, so that both parties can tacitly express it, avoiding unnecessary disputes and maintaining harmony.

In June 1953, the 6-year-old Churchill appeared in Bermuda to participate in the talks between Britain, France and the United States.At the meeting, he used his old age as an excuse to keep silent on certain issues that were inconvenient to express his position directly, but he tried to bargain with representatives of other two countries on issues closely related to his own interests. It made the participants extremely headache but could not find a reason to criticize.Therefore, after the meeting, the US representative, General Eisenhower, said humorously: "Prime Minister Churchill has a new type of defense weapon after getting old, and that is silence."

(2) When conflicts arise

In the process of discussion, the two parties will inevitably have conflicts due to different views. At this time, if you still express your views forcefully, it may have the opposite effect of adding fuel to the fire. The best way is to keep silent. Avoid further intensification of conflicts, maintain the face of the other party, and show your generosity and good self-cultivation.If you intentionally make your eyes more serious and your expression more serious while keeping silent, it is very likely to have a deterrent effect and attract the attention of the other party, so that you can quickly realize that your request is unreasonable.

2.irrelevant answer

The answer is not the answer to the question, that is, the answer is not the answer to the question. It is also a vague language, expressing one's rejection attitude tactfully in the way of Tai Chi.Although it may seem comical, the actual effect is often more effective than silence.

Gong Yilang wanted to sell a piece of land of his own to Mr. Guangyuan, so he visited the house in person.As soon as they met, Miyaichiro revealed his intentions and listed many benefits of acquiring his land.

Mr. Guangyuan patiently listened to Gong Yilang's words, but he didn't answer "buy" or "no" immediately after he finished speaking, but picked up some fiber-like things on the table to ask Gong Yilang Look, and say, "Look and see if you recognize these things."

Gong Yilang took it over and looked at it for a while, then replied, "I'm sorry, Mr. Guangyuan, but I don't know them."

"This is a recently developed material, and I plan to use it in the manufacture of automobile shells..." Mr. Guangyuan introduced the specific situation of this material to Gong Yilang in detail, and explained in detail what this material is. Possessed advantages, and even talked about the car manufacturing plan he intends to implement next year.

Although Gong Yilang didn't understand the content of Mr. Guangyuan's talk, Gong Yilang was infected by Guangyuan's emotions and felt very happy.Before leaving, Mr. Guangyuan said lightly: "I have no intention of buying that piece of land."

In the above example, Mr. Guangyuan adopted the strategy of answering the wrong question. He did not answer Gong Yilang directly, but led the topic to other questions. He did not give him any time to persuade him, and he did not express his refusal until the end of the conversation. This is really his brilliance.

There is another less commonly used method besides playing dumb, which is to leave the problem to time.If you really can't find a good excuse to refuse the other party, first accept it, and then pretend to forget it.

"Sorry, I forgot!"

"Did you really ask me to do anything for you?"

A simple "forgot" will do the trick, but it's not often used because it gives the impression of being unreliable.

Generally speaking, pretending to be stupid is a very effective way to refuse, "stupid" is actually a roundabout way to integrate great wisdom, and what we need in social life is exactly such a flexible way of being in the world Law.

Reject subordinates to be measured
In the workplace, leaders often encounter situations where they refuse their subordinates. In order to adhere to the work principle, to prevent the self-esteem of the subordinates from being hurt, and to maximize the enthusiasm of the subordinates for work, the leader must Take your measure.

Here's a joke about rejection:
An employee asked for leave every three to five times, which made the leader very unhappy.One day, the employee came to discuss with the leader about asking for leave. The leader said to the employee: "Do you really want to ask for another day off? Let's see what kind of request you are making to the company: 365. You can work every day 52 days a year. There are 104 weeks in a year, and each week has two days off, which is a total of 261 days, so there are only 8 days left to work. Working 16 hours a day means You are free for the remaining 174 hours, a total of 87 days, and now there are only 23 days of working time left. In addition, you spend at least half an hour on the Internet every day, adding up to 64 days a year, leaving 1 days. Excluded every day 46 hour of lunch time, add up to 18 days a year, so there are only 2 days left. Generally, you have to ask for 2 days of sick leave every year, minus these 16 days, there are only 11 days to work. The number of days of statutory holidays, you only need to work 10 days. The company also has 1 days of holidays every year, so you only need to work [-] day, but you still have to ask for leave on this day!"

Although this is just a joke, the leader's ideas and methods of rejecting employees are worth learning and learning from.

What issues do leaders need to pay attention to when rejecting subordinates?In summary, the following points should be noted.

1.Dare and be good at saying "no"

Many times, some views put forward by subordinates or certain behaviors are inappropriate, but they themselves do not realize this due to various reasons. Opinions or behaviors are rejected.

If the rejected subordinate is honest, he will be grateful for your rejection, because it is another incentive for him.Your refusal affirms his integrity, and he can accept this result, recognize his own shortcomings and consciously correct them.

From this point of view, refusal and encouragement become brothers. Although they express themselves in different ways, they can achieve the same effect in the end.

2.Be sincere while expressing euphemistically
Even if you want to refuse, you must listen patiently to your subordinates' explanations before making a statement, and when expressing your refusal, you must be sincere and tactful.This will not only make the subordinates feel that they are respected, but also minimize the damage to their self-esteem. In addition, it will also make the subordinates feel that you have listened carefully to his explanation and have given careful consideration before making this decision. , rather than coping with it.

From another perspective, if the subordinate refuses after explaining, he can also give suggestions for solving the specific situation of the subordinate, so as to win the gratitude of the subordinate from the bottom of his heart.

3.Consider the feelings of subordinates
Although it is very easy for a leader to reject a subordinate, if he only thinks of rejection without considering the subordinate's own feelings, it will be difficult to win the respect of the subordinate, and the result of doing so will only bring resentment to himself Even betrayal.Therefore, when a leader rejects a subordinate, he must, on the basis of adhering to the work principle, take into account the feelings of the subordinate, and protect the self-esteem of the subordinate to the greatest extent, so as to stimulate their enthusiasm for work.

In addition, rejection also pays attention to "cleverness" and "goodness".The so-called "smartness" means being flexible and changeable, accurately analyzing and grasping the psychology of subordinates, and then going downhill, and being rejected before he is aware of it.And "kindness" refers to using a friendly attitude to eliminate the budding hostility in the hearts of subordinates, even if they are rejected, they will not hold grudges against you.

Rejection is an art, and how to handle it directly affects the effect of rejection. If you handle it well, your subordinates will still be grateful even if they are rejected, but if you handle it poorly, it will hurt others and yourself.

Procrastination can also solve problems
Rejection is not the only way to express your attitude directly, and it is not the only way to solve the problem. If you can't find a reason for rejection that is sufficient for the other party to accept, you might as well delay for a while, and delay can also solve the problem.

During the question time in class, a student asked the professor a question that was completely irrelevant to what he had learned. At first, the professor was able to explain it to the student very carefully, but later the two parties had conflicts because of their different opinions. , almost making the professor lose his temper.

In fact, under such circumstances, the professor can refuse to answer the other party's question on the grounds that "the question he asked has nothing to do with the knowledge of this class", or he can express his refusal by procrastinating, for example, "It will take a while to explain this question." Clear, but the time in class is limited, we can discuss it after class" with such words.

If this situation happens after class, you can say: "Let's discuss other issues first. We might as well talk about this issue later. How is it? The teacher's performance in class is not bad!" way to bring the topic over.

If the discussion between the two parties is too intense during the meeting, you may wish to temporarily admit the importance of the other party's point of view at this time, so that they feel that this issue is very important, and it is difficult to solve it for a while, and there is no way to answer it immediately. You should seize this opportunity and say: "This question The matter is important and we will have detailed discussions in the future, the first thing now is to discuss clearly the theme of this meeting."

As for whether the discussion will really continue "in the future", people will not take it too seriously.From this point of view, this approach is more appropriate and easier to accept than direct rejection.

For the request made by others, if you can accept it, you can readily agree to the other party, but if the request exceeds your own tolerance, you need to refuse it.If you say this when you refuse: "No, I can't help you with this!" Not only will the other party feel shameless, but you will also feel a little embarrassed.But if you use the procrastination method to say: "Well, I will try my best to help with this, but I can't guarantee that it will be done. I will give you a call anyway, what do you think?" Call and say that you have tried your best but still feel sorry for not being able to help. In this way, the other party will feel that you have sincerely worked hard for his request, so he will not complain about you, but may even express it from the heart. Thank you.

Zhang Yan is a teacher, but she is very interested in the media industry, especially the profession of journalists. In the end, she decided to resign from school and find a job in a newspaper. It happened that the husband of one of her colleagues was this The editor-in-chief of the family newspaper, so she found the editor-in-chief and made her request.Although the editor-in-chief knew very well that the staffing of the newspaper had reached saturation, he was afraid of hurting his peace if he refused directly, so he thought about it and said to Zhang Yan: "The newspaper just recruited a group of fresh graduates a few days ago. Well, maybe there won’t be any vacancies in the short term, so let’s talk about this question later, I will think about it carefully, and if there is a shortage of people in the agency, I will notify you as soon as possible.”

Regarding Zhang Yan's request, the editor-in-chief did not reject it on the spot, but used the condition not to allow it as an excuse to delay, paving the way for the subsequent rejection.In this way, Zhang Yan would not feel left out, and the harmonious relationship between the two parties was maintained, and at the same time, the goal of rejection was achieved.

Practice has proved that the success rate of using the procrastination method to reject other people's requests in daily life and work is very high, so the usage rate of this method is also quite high.But we must be careful not to use too intense or euphemistic words, in case the other party cannot accept or cannot understand immediately.In short, using the procrastination method properly can help you win more favors in interpersonal communication.

(End of this chapter)