Auntie toasts the VRMMORPG

Even though four metal folding chairs leaned at the wall, Flora was sitting on the cold metal floor. Rhythmically, she lay down and came up. She had switched from pull-ups to sit-ups.

The thought crossed her mind that she was risking a bladder infection, but she remembered the bladder wasn't part of the game. She discarded the next idea, getting an exercise mat to spare her bones and joints, as well. Super Mega Flora Fluss designed body parts needed no mats!

Aidan's console and two marbles lay by her feet.

Flora tried to push the latter away with telekinetics. Her magic didn't even reach the marble. Usually, the spell was as easy as picking up the object with her hands. Even more so, she operated it on instinct. Now, she had to analyze the process.

"I really hope I'm not like the centipede which after getting asked how it could coordinate 100 feet, failed to move ever again," She mumbled but discarded the thought. Vaguely, she remembered the process she had gone through years ago. It involved staring a lot. So, she stared again. At least, when she was in the sitting position of the exercise.

Out of the corner of her eyes, she saw the barrier change color. Green replaced the orange, and the word "Open" replaced the timer.

"I should have asked you sooner, what that loser's corner thing is," Flora chirped, picking up her stuff. "You know, reacting like a normal person who gets suddenly imprisoned in a metal room with an orange barrier."

"May I ask why you didn't, Milady?"

"The text said I couldn't leave for five minutes. The barrier had a five minutes timer. So I conclude that I would be able to leave in five minutes. Now, we'll test if my assumption was correct." Flora strode through the green wall. "Success. I'm ready for further steps. Discovering where I am, getting back to the Doc, and learning how to avoid imprisonment in the future. Please elaborate if you have input on those topics."

"Indeed, Milady. I have access to the public network. We are in the 21 basement floor. Doctor Brownski is in the seventh, and not dying spares you visiting the loser's corner."

"Excellent!" Flora beamed. "Although the last point might be tough to accomplish."

Flora hurried back to the Doc.

After knocking, she heard him yell, "No, no!" A crashing sound followed. "Okay. Now, you can come in!"

As Flora opened the door, she wrinkled her forehead. The scene was eerily familiar. The doctor sprang up from the floor and shook her hand.

"I absolutely adore Earthlings!" He stared at her like she was a birthday cake, baked in his honors. "Let's resume the operation!"

Flora refused to look at his instruments again. Her stomach had poorly reacted the first time she laid eyes on them. She went straight to the operating stool and sat on it with her head leaning on the backrest to fixate it.

The Doctor tickled her nape, then her heads up display (HUD) turned black again.

You are defeated!

You may leave the loser's corner in 5 minutes.

When her vision returned, she found herself back in the metal room.

"So, where were we, Aidan?" Flora asked while fetching her marbles. "Dying isn't so bad in this world. Sure, losing your freedom for 5 minutes is annoying, especially during exciting experiments, but compared to rotting in hell or twiddling thumbs in front of heaven's gate, clearly the better option. And don't get me started on purgatory! All the heat would be better for toasting bread than people!"

"Directly going to loser's corner is only one option for defeat, Milady. Another is being downed or even lose access to the whole zone. The corner can hold players up to 12 hours."

"Sounds nasty!" Flora resumed doing push-ups with the marbles in front of her nose. "There is so much I don't grasp about this new reality. It's terrifying and refreshing at the same time. Let's concentrate on the most important part: Prevent getting stuck in a retirement home."

"What's a retirement home?"

"A place were old people wait to die." Flora shuddered and accelerated the push-ups to work through it. "I've heard some of them are nice, but I have no desire to check them out. I want to stay here! Okay, maybe not on the cold metal floor, but in virtual reality. At least until I know whether our AI rulers are nicer than nurses, the rulers of the nursing homes. Do you know what I can do to impress my son and convince him that I'm capable?"

"According to my database, the following factors lead to an enjoyable gaming experience. First, acquire a suitable class, then get comfortable with the skills and abilities and do quest fitting for your level."

"No problem, I'm a very classy woman, except when I'm not." Flora grinned. "What do you mean with class, something like nobility, or do you mean I have to take school classes?"

"Neither Milady. In the Cetviwos classes are something like Warrior or Mage. The best analog in the real world might be a profession."

"Is Engineering a class?"

"Yes, Milady. The Combat Engineer specializes in building siege engines for large scale battles."

"Boring! Rejected! Is there a class with toasters or toasting?"

"Maybe Fire Mage? You could use a fireball for toasting."

"I don't think Robby would be impressed with this class after the incident with my kitchen. Oh, you don't know about this. I radically renovated it with fire." Flora snickered. "However, I believe we are on the wrong track. Let's concentrate not on my enjoyment but on my ability to grandstand. What do regular users brag about?"

"I'll analyze the forums, Milady."

"Please count humble brags and creative boasts double. I want high quality showboating!"

While Aidan scoured the forums, Flora increased her focus on the marble. She mentally reached out to it, but it was like her magical hands dissolved before she could contact the little ceramic ball.

Flora picked it up and changed to one-handed push-ups. When the marble lay on her palms, she managed to make it wobble.

"The connection deteriorates with distance," Flora mumbled.

"Yes, Milady. Metal Handicap influences interior magic to a small amount. The next best method is applying magic by touch, afterward channeled magic. A lot of different magic types fall in the middle difficulty. Telekinesis is intent magic – one of the most challenging magics to go against metal."

"Too much information!" Flora sighed. The barrier turned green, and she jogged to the Doctor.

Five minutes later, she was back in the loser's corner.

"I have preliminary results on grandstanding by analyzing 500 000 comments. Users brag about their stats, levels, achievements, rating, ranking, clan, money, and unique quests. May I suggest expanding on the topics of attributes stats. It ties in with the different magics I have mentioned before."

"Great, use the display of my attribute table. I'm not sure about all the columns of it." Flora said, doing jumping jacks.

"The first value column is the name of the attribute.

Physical Power (colloquially Strength): It represents the strength of the player and influences melee weapon damage, especially blunt weapon damage. Associated Pool Value: Stamina."

"That has to be the best stat! Smash skulls good!" Flora interjected.

"Should I start an analysis of what is considered the best attribute, Milady?"

"Nay, please continue and ignore my commentary. It's a memorization technique. I charge information with emotions to better retain them."

"Very interesting, Milady. Humans are marvelous." Aidan said without any inflection. "Physical Macro-Control (colloquially Agility): It represents the gross motor skills of the player and influences speed, flexibility, and slashing damage. Associated Pool Value: Stamina."

"That has to be the best stat! Speed trumps all!" Flora grinned and clapped her hand over her head on the next jack.

"Physical Micro-Control (colloquially Dexterity): It represents the fill motor skills of the player and influences crafting, ranged damage, and piercing damage. Associated Pool Value: Stamina."

"Crafting and ranged damage, the crowns of human superiority! What else can be better?"

"Physical Vigor (colloquially Vitality): It represents the health and influences the number of hit points (HP) of the player. Associated Pool Value: Hit Points."

"The most important thing in life, the health of your loved ones and your own!"

"Physical Regeneration (colloquially Body Reg): It represents the recovery of your body and influences how fast your health and stamina bars fill up. Associated Pool Values: Hit Points, Stamina."

"This is the essence of real heartiness. *Bleep* happens, and you have to get up again. Perseverance is the most crucial attribute of success."

"Physical Defense (colloquially Def): It represents the defense mechanisms of a body against physical harm and influences how much of the received attack get subtracted from your hit points (HP). Associated Pool Value: Hit Points."

"Interesting! How do I spin that? Maybe defense is the best offense? No, it was the other way around. Sorry dear, I believe this is not the best attribute." Flora pondered and sat down, switching to sit-ups. "Or maybe it is because it's just my luck that I pick the best attribute as the worst…"

"Physical Perception (colloquially Senses): It represents the acuity of sight, hearing, smell, taste, and touch, and influences ranged combat and visual system help for abilities and skills. Associated Pool Value: none."

"What's a visual system help? And of course, perception is the best attribute, because you have to perceive a problem before you can solve it."

"You can put abilities like herbalism on half-auto mode, and the system will highlight useful plants. In crafting, which bolt fits in which hole gets color-coded, Milady."

"Nice feature. A bit like cheating, but I like it. Visual cues are not like the other body puppet stuff System told me about the auto-mode."

"Now we came to the magical attributes. Please take into account that the colloquial names stem from other role-playing games (RPG) and not from their real-life counterpart. The Centrivos don't change your intellectual capacities."

"Yes, I figured. No way I have an intelligence of… an unrealistically low number… I already suppressed the memory of my initial value. And that is good!"

"Magical Power (colloquially Intelligence): It represents the magical might and influences the strength of magical effects, especially of elemental magic. Associated Pool Value: Concentration."

"Can I lift bigger things with more intelligence? I feel too unilluminated to pick a best magical attribute." Flora said regretfully.

"Yes, Milady, although the primary stat which governs intent magic is magical Micro-Control.

Magical Macro-Control (colloquially Modeling): It represents the stability of magical casting and influences casting speed, spell modification, and arcane effects, damage, and healing. Associated Pool Value: Concentration."

Flora just nodded and signaled Aidan to go on.

"Magical Micro-Control (colloquially Intent): It represents the ability to connect the caster and target. It influences aim, ejection speed, and intent effects, damage, and healing. Associated Pool Value: Concentration."

"I still have no reference on how to distinguish arcane and intent magic. I guess a fireball would be an elemental spell?"

"Yes, Milady. The rule of thumb is if it has a natural element in it, it's elemental if you don't see a visual effect between caster and target, its intent, the rest is arcane."

"I can work with that. There are no magic sparkles between things I move via telekinesis and me. So it's intent magic. No visual effects for Transformation, as well, therefore it's Intent too?"

"It's arcane, Milady. Exceptions do exist."

Flora rolled her eyes.

"Magical Vigor (colloquially Willpower): It represents the amount of mana a player can store and directly influences the number of mana points (MP) of the player. Associated Pool Value: Mana Points.

Magical Regeneration (colloquially Mana-Reg): It represents the recovery of your spirituality. It influences how fast your mana and concentration bars fill up and how much you can power latent spells and charge magical or magetech devices or companions. Associated Pool Values: Mana Points, Concentration."

"Wow, that's a lot. It has to be the most important magical attribute."

"The newbie guide warned against an overreliance on Mana-Reg."

Flora shrugged. "We train everything up and think about what is best when I level up and have to choose in what attribute I stuff my free points."

"Magical Defense (colloquially Mage-Def): It represents the defense mechanisms of a body against magical harm and influences how much of the received attack get subtracted from your hit points (HP). Associated Pool Value: Hit Points."

"Hui, we have a magical stat that relates to a physical stat. Those Cetviwos designers can't stick to one rule." Flora was still sullen Transformation did not conform to the rule of thumb.

"Magical Perception (colloquially 7th Sense): It represents the sensing magic and entities with mana, and influences ranged magic and visual system help for abilities and skills. Associated Pool Value: none."

"Puh! Information overload, and it isn't even supper time."

After a short visit to the Doc, Flora got ported back and started a stretching routine.

"We are only in the first column, Milady. Should we take a break?"

"No, will get through the other columns first."

"Very good. The second column of the stats tables is Level Value(LV). Another name is natural LV. It represents the amount of experience points players have accumulated in using the stat. You can raise your attribute level by raising your character level (3 points per character level), training, or strenuoues applications. Using a stat in a fight or competition gives extra experience.

The next column is Modifications (Mods). The points are temporally raised through skills or more seldom equipment. If you get bonus levels through achievements, they will be part of your natural LV.

The fourth column is Modded Level Value (Modded LV, or MLV). It's the sum of your natural Level and the Modifications adjusted by Milestones. It influences the Operative Value."

"Milestones?" Flora already regretted the question. "Just a very short answer, please."

"Most effects, like damage, are not dependent on Level Values but Operative Values. However, every full tier of Level Value gives you a Milestone bonus. These are-"

"Thanks, enough. Let's continue with the columns."

"The fifth column is the Operative Value (OV), which derives from the Modded LV."

"I remember OV! It's the spoilsport stat that reduces all my nice high leveled attributes into scraps!" Flora looked at the table again and grimaced. LV 78 Magical Regeneration transformed into 28 OV. The logarithmic function treated low level attributes better. LV 13 Perception resulted in 11 OV. "I really wonder why they decided on the killjoy function. Is it normal for games to apply such a progression?"

"I have no knowledge about other games in my database, Milady. Would you like me to search the forums?"

"No, concentrate your research on newbie stuff. If it comes up, nice, if not, I'll ask Robby. Please continue."

"The sixth column Modifications (Mods) are values a player can get through achievements. I strongly recommend getting the easy ones as soon as possible. This advice is part of the newbie tips, as well.

The seventh column is the modded Operative Value (Modded OV, or MOV). It is the sum of the OV and the mods. Please take into account that many players mean this stat when they speak about Operative Value or OV. For practical purposes, it's the most critical column. The MOV gets used for skills, resistances, or abilities−sometimes the numerical value, sometimes as a percentage and sometimes for further calculations."

"Woohoo! We got it! I will raise my stats to impress my sweetie-pie sugar plum. Additionally, I remember you mentioned money. I understand that part without further explanations. So let's concentrate on stats and bucks for now. We tackle the rest of the boast-worthy accomplishment when they come up again."