Ferocious Dog of Old

Tao Huainan blurted out “you can’t” with a strange fierceness. When he realised how it sounded, he wanted to say something else to fix it, but when he opened his mouth, he had nothing to say. In the end, he stood up and walked away with his eyes lowered.

He left without explaining himself clearly. Chi Cheng normally would drag him back and scold him a bit longer, but he didn’t really want to scold Tao Huainan; he let him leave.

–

Tao Huainan was someone with constant little moods and little temper tantrums. After growing up, sensitive children would remain sensitive. But he really wasn’t someone with a difficult personality; he would toss about every time, but he was always able to figure things out by himself after a little while. 

Before he reached the end of Chi Cheng’s patience—Chi Cheng would start scolding him if he did—Tao Huainan slid off and went about his life. He did what he should be doing; he obediently paid attention in class, and he went to sleep smoothly and easily.

–

The two of them were now pretty popular in school. Chi Cheng steadily remained their class’s top scorer, and with the addition of those two fights in their first year of middle school, people looked at him like he was a celebrity. The top scorer in each class was essentially that class’s representative—as long as he didn’t hang a sullen look on his face every day and ignore everyone, his popularity wouldn’t be too terrible. There was also no need to talk about Tao Huainan: he was their class’s endangered animal.

After lunch, Chi Cheng would usually take Tao Huainan and walk about the sportsground a few times; sitting from morning to night every day was very tiring. Sometimes, Chi Cheng would play basketball for a while, and Tao Huainan would sit on the steps by himself. September’s weather was neither cold nor hot. With a hoodie on, sitting in the shade next to the sportsground was very comfortable. The wind blew gently at him.

Someone walked over and sat down next to him. Their footsteps and movements were soft and gentle, a mild shampoo-like fragrance wafting from their body. They deliberately said in a rough voice, “Guess who I am—”

Tao Huainan laughed, his arms still on his knees and a hand still propping up his chin. He said, “You’re Xuan-jie.”

“How boring.” The girl flicked her long ponytail. “Sometimes I suspect you’re just pretending to be blind and you can actually see.”

“How nice would that be,” Tao Huainan said.

His face had been turned towards the basketball court the entire time. He couldn’t hear Chi Cheng’s voice within the noises coming from the chaotic and loud basketball court, but Tao Huainan really enjoyed catching the sound of Chi Cheng’s footfall within the scattered mix of steps. Sometimes he would think he actually heard Chi Cheng; in reality, he was just wildly guessing.

“Then why are you looking that way?” The girl waved her hand in front of Tao Huainan’s eyes. They didn’t flicker; they had no reaction at all. 

“I’m watching my xiao-ge.”

“But you can’t see.”

“He can see me.” Tao Huainan blinked his eyes slowly. He spoke slowly, too—his whole body was slow and sluggish during this warm and breezy midday. “He said he can tell when I’m looking over at him since I have big eyes.”

Amused, the girl said, “So you’re just pretending to watch. You open your eyes that widely on purpose.”

“Not on purpose. They’re that wide naturally.” Tao Huainan gestured a size in front of his eyes. “They’re this big naturally.”

“Show off.” The girl pulled out two lollipops from her pocket and gave one to Tao Huainan. She ate the other one herself.

When faced with someone blind, other than the unconscious inner pity, people usually felt more secure. They would feel more relaxed. They didn’t speak much afterwards, each focused on eating their own lollipops; the girl watched the sportsground while Tao Huainan listened to Chi Cheng.

That girl sat behind him in class these days. Seating arrangements changed every year, and for this school term, two girls sat behind him. Tao Huainan absorbed many little secrets belonging to girls going through adolescence. They were very willing to tell Tao Huainan the things they found embarrassing to tell other people.

He was like a quiet box of secrets; he calmly accepted many, many young and tender thoughts and feelings.

–

By the time Chi Cheng finished his game and came over, the girl was already gone. Tao Huainan handed him a bottle of water, and Chi Cheng twisted it open, tilting his head back to drink it.

“Are you tired?” Tao Huainan asked.

“No.” Chi Cheng reached out to pull him up. “Were you sleeping?”

Tao Huainan immediately laughed. “You knew? I only closed my eyes for a little bit.”

Chi Cheng didn’t respond, one of his hands lightly pushing Tao Huainan forward and into a walk. He’d run back and forth on the court again and again, and since he’d only just finished his game, he’d still yet to completely catch his breath. As they walked, Tao Huainan could hear the sounds of his breathing very clearly.

Tao Huainan closed his eyes, letting Chi Cheng push him. He took his time, leisurely and unhurriedly walking ahead. The grass was so very soft. Reaching out, Tao Huainan tugged at Chi Cheng’s clothes. His heart followed along and softened, too.

“What are you doing?” Chi Cheng was watching him.

“Just touching.” Tao Huainan’s eyes curved from his smile. “Touching you.”

Chi Cheng touched the red mark on Tao Huainan’s arm, leftover from him sleeping on it. He called him, “Needy brat.”

–

Needy brat Tao Huainan truly lived up to that name. After growing up so much, he was still not independent—he was still stuck onto his xiao-ge’s body every day. The children who went to blind school could now do everything themselves, but since Tao Huainan didn’t continue going to blind school, he lost out on and didn’t get to experience many of the training exercises blind people had to go through for independence. But to him, it didn’t matter. He hadn’t learned anything after all those years in blind school anyway. He had xiao-ge; he only knew how to call out “Chi Ku, Chi Ku”.

Tao Xiaodong came home early today. He was already home by the time the two of them got back.

Before changing into his pyjamas, Tao Huainan took a shower and came out sweet and fragrant. Tao Xiaodong was inexplicably fond of smelling that scent on his di’s body, so Tao Huainan’s shower gel at home remained that milky scent. Chi Cheng was inexplicably fond of it as well; he used other scents himself, but he refused to let Tao Huainan change his.

Tao Xiaodong had already cooked dinner, but Chi Cheng made a bowl of shrimp noodles while Tao Huainan was showering. He’d promised Tao Huainan he would make him a bowl today. Tao Xiaodong said, “Going through all that trouble.”

“It’s no big deal.” Chi Cheng didn’t think much of it, carrying the bowl out and placing it in front of Tao Huainan’s seat.

Tao Huainan immediately sat down as soon as he came out of the shower and leaned in to sniff at the table. He let out a ‘wow’ and then carefully reached out to touch—the bowl was still very hot.

Chi Cheng went to the kitchen to grab something while Tao Xiaodong’s phone rang in his room. He stood up to get it.

Tao Huainan placed his hands onto his legs, docilely waiting for them to come back to eat. His nose was filled with the smell of noodles; he so loved the noodles Chi Cheng made for him. 

–

“Ku-ge, help me get—” There was a flurry of collision noises before Tao Huainan finished speaking, and then he cried out in alarm—the sound of the bowl shattering came after. 

Tao Xiaodong and Chi Cheng both ran back. Tao Huainan was standing by the side in a panic, his hands pulling at his pants and shaking. 

“Did you get burned?!” Tao Xiaodong went over as he spoke and pulled Tao Huainan away from the shattered bowl pieces. “Let ge see.”

“It’s so hot.” There was a patch of red on the back of one of Tao Huainan’s hands. His voice was still slightly trembling from shock. “I didn’t touch it. It fell down by itself—it’s so hot!”

Chi Cheng didn’t say a word, kneeling down to immediately pull Tao Huainan’s pants off. He took off his underwear as well; he didn’t let Tao Huainan wear even his slippers. Chi Cheng took him straight to the bathroom for a cold shower. 

Tao Huainan made a noise in shock again when the cold water sprayed onto his body. Chi Cheng had him stand in the bathtub, and he grabbed the shower head to spray water directly onto Tao Huainan’s legs. As the cold water flowed down, Tao Huainan shook from the cold. 

“Does it really hurt?” Chi Cheng asked with a frown. One of his hands was supporting Tao Huainan. 

“It doesn’t hurt under water, but it hurts when it’s not.” Tao Huainan was holding onto Chi Cheng’s other hand, afraid of slipping. He softly continued, “I really didn’t touch the bowl…”

Whenever the blind boy made a mistake and caused trouble for others, he would always feel remorseful; he would feel very guilty. 

Chi Cheng said, “It wasn’t your fault. It’s fine.”

The noodles hadn’t been sitting there for long, so it would’ve definitely still been hot—but it shouldn’t have been hot enough to burn. Tao Huainan should be okay after being sprayed by cold water for a while and then applying some ointment. But this didn’t stop Tao Xiaodong’s heart from aching: he watched as Tao Huainan stood in the bathtub with his legs bare, still explaining himself, and his heart filled with dissatisfaction. 

Tao Xiaodong sat down on the edge of the tub and lightly patted his brother’s back. “There was water on the table. It wasn’t your fault.”

The soup had splashed over Tao Huainan’s hand too. He reached out to place it under the water while Chi Cheng moved the water back and forth on him. He stood under the water for quite a while. 

–

Since he couldn’t see, Tao Huainan had been accidentally scalded too many times while growing up; all sorts of accidents could happen to him. Chi Cheng was very familiar with these things now, no matter if it was a burn or a scratch from bumping into something—Chi Cheng could treat them all for him. 

After roughly wiping Tao Huainan down with a towel, Chi Cheng half-carried, half-supported him out of the tub. There was no space for Tao Xiaodong to help; when he reached out, Chi Cheng didn’t even lift his head. He only said, “I can do it, ge.” 

“Does it still hurt?” Chi Cheng placed Tao Huainan onto the bed, turning around to grab the burn ointment. 

“Nope.” Tao Huainan sneezed and then seriously replied, “It only feels a bit warm. It doesn’t hurt as much anymore.”

Chi Ku1 let out a ‘mn’ and said, “That’s good.”

He was too steady—Tao Xiaodong didn’t even bother attempting to help anymore, only leaning back against the wall and watching them. He watched as Chi Cheng methodically put on the ointment for Tao Huainan; he watched as Tao Huainan softly touched Chi Cheng’s hair out of remorse and shame.

It was as though in the moments of time when he wasn’t paying attention, they’d turned into half-grown adults.

–

Tao Huainan really hadn’t touched that bowl. He was able to neatly and peacefully wait for everyone to eat; he hadn’t touched it again after realising it was hot. There had been water under the bowl, and there might have also been water on the table—the bowl truly had slid off by itself.

Who was there to blame? Chi Cheng for cooking noodles for him, or Tao Xiaodong for going to pick up his phone?

It was no one’s fault. It was simply because Tao Huainan couldn’t see. 

–

Chi Cheng helped Tao Huainan in the bedroom while Tao Xiaodong cleaned up the mess around the table.

Tao Huainan wasn’t feeling well; he didn’t really talk.

After everything was done, Chi Cheng lightly touched his chin with his fingers and said, “I’ll make another bowl for you.”

Tao Huainan shook his head and said, “I don’t want it anymore.”

“I want it.” Turning around, Chi Cheng went out.

Tao Huainan ate a bowl of noodles together with Tao Xiaodong, but he couldn’t continue after eating only a few bites. Chi Cheng asked him, “What do you want to eat tomorrow?”

Tao Huainan shook his head again and said in a low voice, “I’ll eat whatever you give me. I won’t be picky anymore.”

“Look at him,” Tao Xiaodong said, amused. “Are you deliberately acting coy, or do you actually feel guilty?”

“I’m not sure,” Tao Huainan replied after thinking for a while. “Maybe a bit of both.”

Chi Cheng and Tao Xiaodong both laughed. Tao Xiaodong said, “You’ve really grown up. If you were younger, you’d be crying right now.” 

Chi Cheng hummed in agreement and said, “He’s about to.”

–

His two brothers were deliberately making fun of him. He didn’t feel bad enough to truly cry—but he really did feel a bit of self-loathing.

That night, Tao Huainan occasionally flipped around in bed, unable to fall asleep. He kept wriggling and moving around.

Chi Cheng didn’t bother with him in the beginning, but later, he said, “Go to sleep.”

Tao Huainan hummed and hawed for a good while and then responded, “Mn…”

Chi Cheng then said, “Hurry up and sleep. Don’t whine if you can’t get up tomorrow.”

Pursing his lips, Tao Huainan didn’t speak.

The accident at dinner wasn’t enough to make him unable to fall asleep—that would be too exaggerated. It hadn’t been that bad. The feelings it’d given Tao Huainan were only enough for him to loathe himself for two hours. He truly couldn’t fall asleep right now, but that wasn’t because of his emotions.

–

It was because of… something a bit hard to bring up.

Tao Huainan reached under his blanket and tugged at his pants. A boy’s most tender and most delicate place was pressed against the fabric and stinging with pain.

A small piece of that bowl had lodged there when it shattered. Tao Huainan had shaken it off. Ge and Chi Cheng had focused on that large patch of red on his legs and hadn’t noticed that there was a not-too-perceptible bit of redness on that lonely and fragile place of his. 

Tao Huainan flipped over again and tugged at his pants again. He wanted to change into a position where his pants wouldn’t touch him there.

“You’re still tossing around?” Opening his eyes, Chi Cheng looked at him; he could only see the back of Tao Huainan’s head.

Tao Huainan’s eyes were closed; he was in enough pain to be annoyed. He couldn’t help but retort back after being scolded: “Just sleep… It’s not like me tossing around will stop you from sleeping.”

Chi Cheng didn’t speak and only looked at him.

Tao Huainan also realised he didn’t sound quite right after speaking, but, well—he was annoyed. It wasn’t as though the pain was unbearable, but it was enough to bother him. The pain was just there, reminding him of its existence, and he also couldn’t touch his pants.

He started to feel a bit guilty after Chi Cheng continued to stay silent. After a little while, he conscientiously turned back over. He was worried about Chi Cheng being angry, yet he had no way to explain why he talked back like that. He opened and closed his mouth several times, and then, giving up in resignation, he said, “It hurts.”

Chi Cheng asked, “Where?”

“There!” Tao Huainan covered his face with his arms, his muffled voice leaking through. “Just—just. There.”