How to Avoid Debut

༺ How To Avoid Debut – 17 ༻

 

The moment my video started, Gaon opened his mouth with vigor. 

 

“Ah, the beginning here! Leader’s expression acting! Acting!”“ 

 

My body was shaking back and forth due to Gaon, who brought all the exclamations that existed in the world and generously poured them out. 

 

  Making eye contact with myself on the screen in front of several people was a very embarrassing event. Praise was pouring from both sides, and my mind was dazed due to the unnecessary fuss they were making. Even though I waved my hands for them to stop, they didn’t stop as they seemed to be having fun. 

 

  It’s said that praise makes even a whale dance, but I guess that dance was a movement where I twisted my body out of embarrassment. Fortunately, that feeling didn’t last long. The next video turned on right away, and it was time for me to comfortably enjoy and give praise to others. 

 

  “Hwiyoung, you seem to do much better than when you practice. You must be the type who is strong in actual situations.” 

 

  “Coming from Leader’s mouth, that is something.” 

 

  “Good in detail, and clean in movements.” 

 

  As always, Hwiyoung seemed to have no immunity to praise, not knowing what to do with himself, waving his hands. It was immediately noticeable that it wasn’t modesty, and to tease him more, I praised him throughout the video. The members next to me started to join in my praise, and even Jigu made a remark. 

 

  “You could be a center, too.” 

 

  “Ah, please don’t. Really.” 

 

  Jigu seemed sincere, but when it seemed like Hwiyoung would cry if we teased him more, he laid down on the practice room floor. 

 

  He mumbled, flipping over to cool down his heated face, pressing his face to the floor. His voice was so low that I only heard when I leaned my head down. 

 

  “It’s probably the last time, but I’m so glad to create such a good stage. It still feels like a dream.” 

 

  Whether he was drowsy or his voice was really hazy. Worried that he might catch a cold lying on the cold floor, I lightly grabbed his upper body and sat him up straight again. I looked at the video still playing. He looked so much like a celebrity. 

 

  “Why do you think you have to fail when you are doing well? No one knows what lies ahead. It’s not necessarily the last time. You did really great on the stage.” 

 

  People doing well needed praise. I wasn’t sure if it would sound sincere or just like idle talk, but I thought it was better to say it when I could. 

 

  And this somewhat nosy remark, fortunately or unfortunately, seemed to touch Hwiyoung deeply. Judging by how he suddenly bowed his head. 

 

  “Throughout my life, really, I’ve never been praised by anyone… I’ve never heard such words… I’m sorry, I’m a bit excited right now.” 

 

  Listening to his slightly choked voice, I didn’t add anything else. The atmosphere suddenly turned solemn, and the video playing from the laptop had been paused. 

 

  Starting with Hwiyoung’s choked up voice, tears spread like a wave. Soon Gaon, who had been perfectly fine, seemed to strain his eyes, covering his face with his right hand. The meaningful time of watching the fan-cam videos together suddenly turned into a time of collectively shedding tears over the hardships of life.

 

  In this situation, we couldn’t watch the video and give feedback or redo anything. Looking around the gloomy practice room, I almost said something. Mr. Kim Seongwon, please act sad, at least.

 

  “Leader… you really do everything well, teaching us every single thing. This team is really good, and above all, I think we were lucky to meet you as our leader.” 

 

  I awkwardly bowed my head at the praises, almost akin to worship, pouring from the team members who were sniffling. Hearing such words, even though I didn’t want to become the leader initially, gave me an odd feeling. 

 

  “When it comes to Leader’s screentime on the broadcast, there is none. It’s only being said because there’s no camera here, but honestly, it was too harsh.” 

 

  “Right. Even in episode 4, there wasn’t any of him teaching us dance.” 

 

  “I was so upset that I almost asked the PD. Or at least suggest they put in a bit more screentime.” 

 

  “Honestly, it’s strange that the one receiving the lessons appears more than the one giving them. It’s like they deliberately cut it out.” 

 

  I appreciated that they thought this far, but I wanted to say that it’s not the PD’s fault. 

 

  “Even though the editing is severe, Leader, you will definitely debut. Really.” 

 

  “Thank you.”

 

  Listening to the confident voice, the practice room turned warm with a sudden comforting atmosphere. However, my mind became about fifteen times more tangled. 

 

  Whether I could share this passion, or if it would be more comfortable to go back to my room, was the thought. However, that thought didn’t last long due to the team members’ calls to practice. 

 

  During the practice period, episode 5 was aired with as many as six cuts of my solo shot, and my uncle was happy that the bulletin board had quieted down a bit. The music show appearance was scheduled for the day right after the ranking announcement, and that ranking announcement was the day after tomorrow. 

 

  Yesterday, we also did a temporary recording for the music show. The time passing as quickly as if someone had enlarged a normal hourglass hole by about five times was surprisingly fast. And every day, my uncle would nag about debuting. 

 

  What started as a cautious suggestion of “How about trying to debut?” had now almost turned into a threat. 

 

  “Are you going to ignore the love of so many fans?” 

 

  That was his line from yesterday. My uncle seemed to think that it would be a hundred times easier to push his only nephew into the entertainment industry than to drop a perfectly fine contestant from the viewers’ perspective. 

 

  From the standpoint of my uncle, who was not a main producer but sitting in an assistant’s position, it must have been tiring to concoct a sickness or accident. 

 

  “So, today is the last day we can properly practice… Why isn’t he coming?” 

 

  I tried to speak as kindly as possible with a smile, but unknowingly, I was grinding my teeth. Gaon, who was practicing while looking at the mirror right next to me, flinched and stopped moving his arm. 

 

  Everyone was silently doing their own practice without mentioning it, but my words acted like a fuse and they all gathered as if they had made a promise. 

 

  “He was late yesterday, and it seems like he won’t come at all today.” 

 

  “He’s good even if he doesn’t practice….” 

 

  Hwiyoung awkwardly smiled and tried to speak for Seongwon, but it was already inaudible. It wouldn’t matter if it was his solo stage, but what are we going to do if he plays solo on a stage we’re all doing together? 

 

  Suddenly, the clothes I was wearing felt heavy and stifling. Really, whatever it takes, I wanted to prevent ruining the stage. 

 

  I’ve always felt a sense of responsibility in group activities, but I didn’t think I’d feel this way here, a place not closely related to my life. Or is it no longer an unrelated stage? 

 

  “What good is it if he does well on his own? We all need to match the rhythm together.” 

 

  “Ah, yes…! That’s right!” 

 

  “I don’t think it’s right for him to not show up without a single contact.” 

 

  “That’s what I mean….” 

 

  Ah, forget it. There was no point in getting angry without the person in question present. It was just feeding the members a hard time. I already disliked him due to a conversation I heard before, and now that he was going off the radar like this, I couldn’t speak nicely about it. 

 

  Just in case, we had shared our KakaoTalk IDs and even made a group chat, but the message asking when he would come was still unread. 

 

  In the end, I decided to put my thoughts aside for a while and went outside to find a vending machine after a long practice session. As I put in a coin and pressed the button, a Jetty can rolled down from above. I hesitated as I reached into the machine, listening to the sound of it bouncing around. 

 

  Had I been practicing so hard that I was this seriously thirsty? Confusion hit me again. It was strange, even to me. Why was I working so hard while desperately rejecting my uncle’s offer? I was going to quit before the final broadcast, wasn’t I? This time, the question with no answer lingered a little longer. 

 

  As I uncapped the drink and took frantic gulps, I returned to the practice room to find everyone eagerly matching their choreography in their respective paths. For some reason, I couldn’t say anything, so I quietly inserted myself and naturally joined the practice. 

 

  “Let me have a sip too.” 

 

  After about seven repetitions, Jigu reached out and pointed to the can I was drinking from earlier. 

 

  “It’s a Jetty, you know?” 

 

  In retrospect, I should have gotten water. It was strange to crave a chocolate drink when thirsty. Despite clarifying this, he nodded as if he understood, so I kindly took the can and handed it to him. After carefully pouring the drink into his mouth, Jigu shook the can that had only really had one sip taken from it a few times before putting it down. I voiced the thought I had been harboring all throughout the dance. 

 

  “I’m a bit nervous.” 

 

  “So am I.” 

 

  Despite what was practically a monologue, Jigu had apparently heard me and agreed. Being in an agency since childhood meant he had long dreamed of debuting as an idol. 

 

  “Is this your first time on stage?” 

 

  “This is my first time on such a big stage.” 

 

  “Everyone must feel the same way.” 

 

  It was also my first time on a music broadcast stage, despite having participated in many dance competitions. Even national competitions did not have as glamorous lighting as a music broadcast stage. Above all, the fact that I had to sing as well was the most burdensome, making me nervous. 

 

  “But you’ve been on stage many times before.” 

 

  “How did you know?” 

 

  “You went up every break time. At that time, everyone said you couldn’t live without dancing.” 

 

  Jigu said, staring intently at the ceiling. Upon hearing this, I came to my senses as if I had just bumped my head on the floor.

 

  I don’t know why the reality of my passion always hit me when others pointed it out. I definitely worked hard, but I gave up so easily that it seemed to render all those efforts in vain. I didn’t want to look back on why I did that. 

 

  This was something I had been continuously thinking about since the start of this program, but I couldn’t understand why I was feeling this way only now. The important thing was that I had realized it, even if it was only now. 

 

  Because of the sudden rush of thoughts, I was completely out of it throughout practice. Even if I had come to my senses, it was not a situation where I could yell and run out. 

 

  I managed to fit in between the members and diligently matched the choreography and the song, but my soul was already at home. As soon as practice ended, I rushed out of the practice room without saying a proper goodbye, too lost in thoughts about Seongwon, who hadn’t shown up without a word. 

 

  The first thing I did when I arrived home was to pull out the box of materials I had stored under my bed. Numerous certificates and CDs poured out in a haphazard manner, and the years written on them varied. They ranged from my elementary school years to just last year. 

 

  The process of inserting a CD, blankly watching a video, and then pulling out the CD repeated dozens of times. This continuous behavior, like a half-conscious person, finally ended around midnight. There was only one thought that came to mind.CD 

 

  Could a person’s heart change this abruptly? I laughed for a long time at the absurdity, then fell asleep right there. 

 

  I woke up because of a KakaoTalk notification. Seongwon, who hadn’t shown up at the practice room all day yesterday, sent a reply at 4 a.m., the day of the rank announcement.

 

  Having fallen asleep without thinking to switch my phone to silent, I inadvertently woke up at 4 a.m., and for that, I received a rather insincere message from Seongwon. An insincere apology filled with crying emojis. 

 

  Immediately after seeing it, I switched my phone to silent, turned the screen over, and went back to sleep. I considered moving to the bed for a moment, but the floor was warm enough, and I fell back into sleep right away.

 

  And then, I was late. 

 

  “Sir, can you step on it a bit more?” 

 

-I’m running as fast as I can! The PD said we had to move quickly, so we started without the first group shot. All the participants are already filming. You’ll have to wait until the next break to quickly do your makeup and join in. 

 

  “When’s the next break?” 

 

-…In about 5 minutes? 

 

  How much time do I have left? The answer to the question I asked myself was provided by the taxi driver, who seemed to read my mind. 

 

  “Traffic’s heavy in the morning… Even at the fastest, it seems like it’ll take another 10 minutes.” 

 

  “Ah…” 

 

  At the same time the unwanted answer came back, I banged my head on the window. I was the type who could not wake up well if I fell asleep again after waking up once in between. 

 

  I should have set a proper alarm. I rarely set my phone to silent even when I turn off KakaoTalk notifications, and setting ‘Do not ring in silent mode’ became a habit, which resulted in this disaster. 

 

  The five alarms I had set just in case all proved to be useless. Although I blamed it on Seongwon’s rude dawn KakaoTalk, to be honest, I felt guilty, so I chastised myself for my short-sightedness until I arrived. 

 

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