Too Broke For Afterlife

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I don't remember the last time I played a board game, probably at some birthday party where I was mercilessly drunk. But I have never enjoyed them.

I'm a very bad loser, as soon as things don't go my way I get mad and start ruining the mood even more than I usually do. 

Nobody ever enjoyed playing against me - no matter if it was Scrabble, Twister or a PC racing game.

This isn't necessarily a personality trait I'm proud of. (Then again, I hardly like any of them.)

People soon stopped nviting me and when somebody did dare to ask if I wanted to play Jenga, I just flipped them off. 

Only my closest friends from highschool were able to deal with my tantrums. My best friend's GameStation was one of our favorite hobbies and as long as we played as a team instead of against each other, I was more or less able to rein in my anger.

When Clemens told me that he prefers board games, I thought it was just a joke to lighten up the situation. But instead, he foreshadowed our next steps.

I was planning on meeting up with Walter, Judy and Isabella at the Casino as we had planned but Clemens forced me to pick up Nox first.

I had been gone for several hours at that point and knew my friends must be getting worried but oh well, they are adults. They'll be fine.

Me on the other hand...I'm not so sure.

Clemens told me that Nox is not in San Andy and instead residing in another world.

So guess where I am now.

Yup.

Board Game Paradise.

I know.

The irony.

When leaving train SE 322 and getting off at Board Game Paradise Station, the first thing you see is a white room with differently colored doors leading to well-known family fun games.

There are only a few people walking in and out of the rooms, I don't think this place is too popular. And I'm not surprised.

Board games are for nerds afterall.

"Which game?" I ask Clemens as I look at the signs hanging on the doors.

Monopoly. Snakes and Ladders. Ludo. Dungeons and Dragons. Cluedo. The list goes on. In total, there are around 20 games. I've heard of almost all of them but have hardly played any. 

"That one."

Clemens points at a baby pink door with a white wooden knob.

"Game of Life."

I blink a few times, then I look at him.

"Game of Life?"

"Game of Life."

I don't even know what to say to that.

I'm about to play Game of Life. As a dead person. In Heaven.

"Why not Jenga?"

"That's not a board game."

"I see."

I hesitate as Clemens walks over to the door.

He turns to me. "Are you coming?"

I nod and start moving my legs. This is about to get really weird.

Clemens watches the nervous wreck of mine and then, out of nowhere, he starts laughing.

I stop in my tracks and stare at him. "What?"

"I'm sorry," he neighs like a horse. 

He notices my death glare as he now holds a hand in front of his mouth, compressing the laughter into a chuckle.

Once Clemens has calmed down, he takes a deep breath.

"It was a joke. She isn't playing Game of Life. You should have seen your face!"

I must look so confused right now.

"What joke? How is this considered a joke? How is this funny?"

"It's funny to me," he snickers and for the second time today I want to neuter him with a well-aimed kick between the legs. 

"Whatever. What game is it now?"

"This one."

He pats the door right next to the pink one. This one is blue and the sign reads 'Who Am I?'

"That's considered a board game?"

"Not really but for plot convenience we should let it slide."

"So we are going in there? This time for real?"

I examine the door. Not sure what this is supposed to tell me, it's just a normal door. 

"No, you're going in. It's a 1v1. Try to get in a game with Nox. Then talk. I'll wait here."

"But-"

"Come on, are you scared? It's just a kid's game."

I consider my options for a minute. But I don't have any if we are being realistic here.

We need Nox and she needs us.

"Fine," I groan and open the door.

Immediately, a strong wind sucks me into a tube and pushes me up in the air.

There I levitate for a while as a neon sign appears in front of me.

'Welcome to the Lobby. Connecting to other players. Please wait…'

This vortex is very uncomfortable and I can feel it sucking my briefs up my ass cheeks. 

The wind whooshes through my hair, completely messing with the way I styled it.

Who built this thing?

I make a mental note to write a complaint should I get the chance. 

The neon sign changes. 'Choose your opponent.'

In front of me, three images appear, each showing a room with somebody sitting inside of it. In front of them is the game on the table.

And there she is, on the left. It's Nox.

I can't read her expression, as usual, and for a reason I don't know yet I hesitate for a second.

This woman has never been pleasant to have around. But no matter how much I try to fight it, we are a team.

We started together and we will have to end this.

"Opponent number 1."

The vortex sucks me up higher and then I get pushed out of the tube. I land in front of a black door and I stumble through it.

Nox looks up and into my face. I quickly fix my pants.

"Well, well, well. If it isn't Parker Jones. How are you?"

I close the door behind me and then slowly walk over to the table.

"You want to know how I am?"

"Yes."

"Interesting."

I sit down on the chair and wait a few seconds until my balance has restored and the room stops spinning.

"I'm good."

Nox snorts. "Right. Of course."

"What do you want to hear?"

She shrugs her shoulders. "Nothing specific, just an honest answer would be nice from time to time. Sure, you can say that you're good but who are you trying to fool with that?"

Ugh. I'm really not in the mood for a f*cking therapy session.

"I'm stressed. There. Are you happy? Now let's play."

I look at what's in front of me.

16 paper cards are sticking inside a plastic holder, each showing a different face.

There are familiar faces like Donald Trump, the Queen of England etc. as well as some more peculiar people. I can even spot Stan aka Satan in the bottom right corner.

"Okay, you have to choose one of the cards and then we guess each other's character with yes or no questions. Got it?"

"Like I Spy?"

"Sort of."

I look at the cards and one definitely stands out.

It's a skeleton, wearing a hat and purple glasses. It grins, showing off a gold tooth. It's dressed in a pink shirt and wears a golden necklace around its neck.

'Grim Reaper'

You're telling me that's what Death looks like? I mean, if Death actually was a person. Of course he is not.

"Okay, I got mine," I mumble. "You start."

"Okay."

Nox rests her chin in her hands as she looks at me.

"Do I have blonde hair?"

I look at the grim reaper. No hair.

"No. Do I have blonde hair?"

"Yes."

"Hmm."

I take out the cards showing people with anything but blonde hair.

7 are left.

"Am I a man?"

"No. My turn. Am I smiling?"

"Yes."

Nox knocks the cards over with what I assume are non-smiling faces.

"Am I a woman?"

"Hm."

I look at the skeleton. 

"I...can't tell, honestly."

"So that's a no."

She removes more cards. Only two are left now. 

For me it's 4.

"So I'm a woman and I'm blonde. Am I older than 50?"

"Yes."

"Am I Madonna?"

Nox smiles. "Yes, you are."

"Nice."

Before I can stop myself, I start grinning, happy over the win.

God, how old am I?

"And am I the Grim Reaper?"

"Yes, you are," I answer, sounding a bit too happy for my own liking.

Nox smiles to herself. 

"So all you've been doing these past four months is sitting here and playing this game? How come you didn't go insane?"

She seems amused by that question. She shakes her head like a mother looking down on her child asking funny questions.

"I am beyond sanity, this can't face me. Anyway, let's get back to business. We have a universe to save."

"Universe? A few months ago it was just planet Earth."

"I'm exaggerating, Parker."

She gets up from her chair and wipes dust off her pantsuit.

"But things are changing.. I'm not sure you're ready for this."

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