Too Broke For Afterlife

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Death puts his feet sticking in sparkly trainers onto the desk as he leans back. His bone hands are sticking in the pockets of his green shorts.

"Hey Pris."

"Hello," she replies coldy and crosses her arms.

It's an odd scene. On one side is the Mayor of Heaven in her neat pantsuit, powdered nose with a freezing expression on her face. On the other side is literal Death who looks like he's Slim Shady himself. All that's missing are a portable CD player and watermelon chewing gum.

If only I had some popcorn right now because this is going to be interesting.

"First of all, who is that? Your new slave?"

He turns around to me and pulls down his sunglasses. I look into empty eye sockets as he scans me up and down. 

"Yo name?"

Nervously, I scratch my arm.

"Judy, Sir."

"Sir?" Death pushes back the glasses. "You mean I look like a Sir?"

"Uhm…" I look to Priscilla for help. She just rolls her eyes.

"I'm sorry, I asked her to leave but she refused. Judy, please go."

"No, no." Death waves his hand to make her stop talking. Then he gets up and starts walking over to me.

His bones crack quietly with every step. If I could smell, I bet I would notice some strong cologne. Or maybe a Playgirl perfume.

His pimp couture does make him look like someone who'd run the Playgirl mansion.

He tilts his skull. "Why would you think Death is a man? Prejudgment isn't healthy."

"I…I know. Are you a woman?" I ask anxiously.

Death chuckles. The golden teeth glitter in the bright light. Damn. How can one afford to replace all their teeth with literal gold?

"No, babe. I'm neither. I don't have a soul. So please use they them. Got it?"

I nod quickly. "Yes. Sorry Si-...Ma-...Death."

Death scans me once more and then walks back over to their chair to sit down.

"She can stay," they announce.

Priscilla doesn't seem to like that idea.

"She doesn't know anything, she'd just disturb-"

"I said, Judy is staying," Death repeats slowly. "In fact, why don't you sit down with us?"

They point at a chair in the corner.

Too scared to say no, I grab it and pull it over to the desk, avoiding the Mayor's face.

Not too close though, I don't want to be part of this conversation.

Defeated, Priscilla sighs and then returns her attention to her unwanted, funky guest.

"I don't mean to sound rude but how did you get here? We control the borders, we would have noticed your arrival."

True. Just like me and my friends, everyone gets scanned when entering Heaven. Or can Death travel freely betweens the realms?

"Please, Pris. We are past these fake f*cking niceries. 'I don't mean to sound rude'," he mocks her. "I do.  And regarding your question, you seem to have forgotten that I'm the boss. My karma is still far beyond yours. I don't owe you any explanation."

The Mayor bites her lips, she is tense as shit. I watch how her hands turn into fists.

"So, why are you here?"

Instead of answering, Death grabs a blue pen lying around and starts spinning it. I watch how the pen spins around their bone fingers without falling down.

"Look, I've gotten better at this!"

Priscilla isn't impressed at all. "Please, back to the topic."

"Well, what do you expect, bitch? You want me to answer dumb boring questions?"

Without a warning, Death aims the pen at Priscilla's head and throws it with full power.

It hardly misses her face and rams against the window. The glass clinks dangerously.

Priscilla jumps visibly and together we watch as Death gets up.

They stem their white hands into the desk and lean forward, staring at the Mayor. 

The gold chains around their neck tinkle cheekily but  Death is no longer grinning.

"I'm here because you little bitch think that you can steal from me and get away with it. But I don't take shit from anyone. You're done." They spit the last few words.

Priscilla doesn't show any reaction. "I didn't steal anything."

"Oh no? Really?" Death points out of the windows behind her.

"This world. Your government district. That's Heaven." 

Death looks at me.

"Judy, you might not know this but the original plans were to build just one world where humans can reunite before they go to Hell and get their eternal rest. That square outside this f*cking building, that's Heaven. But some bitch got too power hungry and decided to expand without permission. And she thought she'd get away with it by implementing border control."

I look out, down at the few buildings with the river in the distance.

"So all those millions of worlds?"

"They are the reason why your planet is dying. Cuz my buddy Stan doesn't get enough souls down there."

Priscilla rolls her eyes. "So? What are you going to do?"

"I'll kill you. Easy."

Okay, this got very intense very quickly. But the Mayor isn't even half as bothered.

"You can't kill me, I made sure of that."

"I know. Your dumb little artefacts."

"How do you-"

"Prissy! Come on!" Death swings their ass onto the table and sits down next to her. They smile sweetly. It'S creepy as f*ck.

"You still don't get it. You and your God complex, how cute. See, I'm the boss here and you're basically fired. I know everything you've been doing, there are no secrets between us two. Kay?"

He grabs some of the papers the Mayor had been working on earlier and crumples one after the other to throw them through the room.

"What are you-"

"Ssh."

Death pulls out a cigarette and I watch them light it. 

They take a long drag but as there are no organs so all the smoke drifts out between the jaw and cheekbones, forming little clouds in the air.

"What if I told you that right this second my friends are surrounding this building?"

Priscilla's eyes widen.

"Yes, you heard me right. I'm taking you hostage. Until I've sorted everything out and gotten your lil artefacts, you guys are on lockdown."

The Mayor jumps out of her chair. "No!"

She rushes over to the elevator but right that second the door slides open and a skeleton steps out. This one isn't dressed nearly as fancily but has the same sassy grin.

Priscilla runs over to the other door but there's another skeleton waiting behind it.

Death laughs. "Give up, you're surrounded." They watch her panic in amusement. 

The skeletons grab her arms and pull her away. 

"No! Let go!"

But no chance. They don't give a shit.

"You can't do this! I'm the Mayor!"

"More like the Meh-yor." Death laughs loudly.

I'm not that amused, I watch in shock how they force Priscilla out of the room. Am I next?

I get up quickly. "Please, I'm not like her. I'm actually on your side. My friends and I are in Heaven to fight her. I'm just here as a spy."

Death turns to me and scans my body.

"I know, I know everything. You're my chica. Don't worry, Judes. I won't lock you up."

They take their glasses off and put them onto my nose. Everything gets dipped in purple.

"We are homies now."

Nonchalantly, Death pulls out a gun and before I can stop them, they shoot at one of the windows.

The glass shatters and big parts fall into the deep. Hopefully nobody gets hit.

Death gets up and starts kicking the shards that are still hanging onto the frame until they've created a big hole, at least 6 feet tall. 

"Madame." They offer me a hand.

"What? You want me to jump?"

"Of course not. You better trust me from now on. Kay?"

I hesitate some more until I finally grab their hand. The bones wrap themselves around my fingers. Tight like a bench vise.

Death leads me towards the window and I look down to see that there's another skeleton a few feet beneath us, driving something that looks like a pink flying motorboat.

"My baby. Cool, right?"

"Yeah. How did you sneak this into Heaven?"

"I didn't. We built it here."

They whistle at the skeleton who flies up a bit so that we can easily step onto the curious vehicle. 

With nothing to hold onto, I stagger dangerously but manage to sit down before I can fall.

Death follows me and then gives their minion a sign to start the engine.

I look down quickly and see how people are stopping in their track to stare up at us.

"What kind of hotels do you like?"

"Me?"

Completely overwhelmed with the situation I can't come up with any answer.

"Big pool? Indoor sauna? Room service?"

I just nod. 

"Cool. 25!

"Yep," the driver replies. I guess 25 is their name.

"Grand Plaza."

They lift their thumb and with that we shoot away.