Too Broke For Afterlife

???????????????????????????????? 

Rain was pouring and hammering against the window of the cab and it didn't abate during the entire ride.

Even when we passed Central Park, the tsunami-like weather was still at its peak and some of the water had started forming small rivers slithering down the street, washing paper cups and plastic bags out of the asphalt. 

The city that has always been so glamorous and lively in my eyes was now grey and empty.

There were people of course, carrying colorful umbrellas, wearing neon windbreakers and laughing despite the bad weather but to me in that moment they were empty shells, following their routines, existing only to exist. And the brightness they were indulging in was merely an error in my brain. 

The tears running down my face blurred my vision further and soon I couldn't make out where we were heading. And I didn't care. 

The harsh lights of the nightlife kept drilling into my head but triggered no reaction on my end.

There were no feelings left except for heartbreak and impotence.

My thoughts kept spiraling around Judy yet I couldn't form one clear sentence in my mind. Everything was melting together and creating a noiseless chamber my head couldn't escape.

The only person I have ever loved had left me and now I was alone.

Nobody would ever love me again. And even if, my heart had already been sold.

After a period of time I couldn't identify further, the cab had stopped in front of a small motel in one of New York's most bleak neighborhoods.

When we got out and I followed Natasha inside, I didn't ask myself why a woman like her would stay at a place like this. I also didn't question why she was sleeping in a hotel instead of her home. 

She was a New Yorker after all. Right? Her company's head office was only a few blocks away from our own.

Now, sitting on the creaky bed, staring at the ocher wall in front of me, I am finally noticing these inconsistencies. But the alcohol in my blood has made me too lazy to figure the mystery out or even care.

I didn't mind when a couple in the room next to us started fighting and screaming in an unfamiliar language. 

I didn't mind when the lights went out for a couple of minutes and left us sitting in the dark. 

I also didn't mind when Natasha decided to change right in front of me, with no sense of shame at all, exposing her body to a woman she barely knew.

But what difference does it make?

I lost my girlfriend. And with that my sexuality.

A woman like Natasha who a few months ago would have been promising prey in my eyes is now nothing more than another human, unable to stand out from the walking corpses that pass me everyday. 

The burning liquid is running down my throat and I am craving the numbness that is slowly setting in.

"If you drink too much, you might pass out."

"That is what I'm aiming for."

My lips don't leave the glass bottle, even as I have to yawn.

"And I think it's working."

Natasha tucks red hair behind her ear. 

"But then we won't be able to have any fun."

I blink suggishly as I try to identify whether those words left her mouth or came from somebody else.

Somebody I have been trying so hard to forget.

"I'll never have fun again."

"I doubt that."

Before I know it, the room around me changes and I am now sitting inside my own apartment.

"Do you want me to prove you wrong?"

Natasha's voice has changed to the one of a man. His silhouette lurks behind me.

"No."

"No?"

He grabs a strand of my hair and starts playing with it.

I try to push him off of me but my arms are way too weak at this point. So instead, I try to change the subject, hoping it would bring me back into the present. 

"We still haven't talked about business."

"Oh? I'm sorry."

Now it's Natasha's voice I'm hearing. But I can't see her anywhere.

The man turns me around on my chair. 

"I don't work for that company." But his mouth isn't moving. He just grins.

Before I know it, he starts kissing my neck. 

Completely overwhelmed with the situation, I hesitate for a few seconds. Then I try to push him away while also figuring out where Natasha is and what she is saying.

"What do you mean?"

My skin is tingling beneath his lips in the worst way possible and for a second the feelings are back.

I'm so f*cking tired. And uncomfortable. 

What is happening? 

As he moves onto my jaw, Natasha's voice turns into a whisper. "It was just a facade. But I had good reasons to lie."

"Please get off of me."

"What?"

My thoughts start clearing up a bit and I realize the situation I'm in. 

I'm drunk, unable to move. 

I can't defend myself. 

And I am hallucinating. 

But something else terrifies me even more. 

The heart that is supposed to start beating faster, the panic that I should feel right now - nothing of that is happening.

My instincts are gone. Survival is insignificant.

I am being touched without permission by the man who tried to kill me and my body is too exhausted to fight.

Only my mind seems to grasp the seriousness. 

"Please," I plead but he doesn't react.

His hands are running over my breasts hidden behind fabric.

I know that he is looking for a zipper. 

And the goosebumps on my skin are begging for him to be unsuccessful. 

"I don't want this."

"What are you talking about?"

"Natasha, help me," I plead.

The man has found the zipper and slowly starts pulling it down.

But then another pair of hands grabs my shoulders and starts shaking me.

I close my eyes as the apartment fades out. Once I open them again, I'm back at the hotel.

"I told you you'd pass out! Did you hear anything of what I said?"

But I don't answer. 

Natasha gets up.

"I need to show you something."

As she pulls out a bag from under the bed, I try to move. Get out of here. 

But my arms and legs refuse to obey. God, what is wrong with me? 

"So, here is what we are doing."

In Natasha's hand lies a gun.

She examines the shiny weapon only to point it at me. 

Should I scream? 

Can I even scream? 

Natasha strokes the trigger. 

"I am taking you with me because we have a lot of work to do. So I'd suggest you call your baby to let her know that you will be gone for a while. But if you tell her to call the police or anything of that sorts..."

She tilts her head.

"Understood?"

I stare at her, trying to organize the words.

"You're kidnapping me?"

"Technically, yes. But only because you wouldn't come with me on your own."

"I-"

"Call her before I change my mind."

I stare at her with wide eyes. 

Normally, I would know what to do. Afterall, I grew up watching detective shows and reading thrillers and used to shake my head everytime the victim didn't manage to figure out the obvious way to escape. 

But right now my mind is blank. I can't do anything but obey. And so that is what I do. 

I start looking for my phone, my head turns slowly. Too fast and my neck might break. 

Where did I put it? 

There it is, on the nightstand to my right.

I take a deep breath and then extend my arm. Inch by inch it creeps closer, I have to concentrate to keep it stable and straight. 

Finally, my fingers wrap themselves around the device and I pull it towards me.

"Could you please hurry up?"

"I physically can't."

Natasha sighs impatiently. 

I unlock the screen and open my call list.

There she is. 

I had saved her under 'Baby' but now looking at the pet name, I feel like the worst person in the world. Even though I didn't do anything wrong.

The icon doesn't help either. The picture is only a week old, she is smiling. 

How did everything crash this quickly? 

The phone rings and I close my eyes.

Please. Pick up.

But she doesn't.

'This person is currently unavailable. Please leave a message after the signal.'

Should I? Should I not?

But in case I'm about to die, I want to talk to her one last time. Even though she isn't there to hear it. 

I clear my throat and lower my voice. 

With slow words I try to not stumble. 

"Judy, I love you. More than anything in the world. Please believe me. I would never cheat on you. That was not a date. I hope I get to explain everything to you. Please stay safe."

Then I end the call. 

A single tear rolls down my face. 

I wish I had more to say. 

"How touching. Now give me your phone."

Natasha walks over to me and takes it out of my hand.

She lets it fall into her bag. I wonder what else she keeps in there. Maybe a corpse? A rusty knife? 

Then I remember her words. 

"Where are we going?"

The red-headed woman grabs my hands and pulls me up from the bed. My legs don't react quickly enough, I stumble and almost fall over so she pins me against the wall. 

Her hands are holding mine, her face is only a few inches away. 

She smiles. 

"Ever been to Peru before?"