Too Broke For Afterlife

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Rain is now softly falling and I am standing at the window, watching Isabella as she cleans up glasses and plates. She is humming a melody to herself that reminds me a lot of her doorbell.

"What song is that?"

She doesn't look up at me as she wipes the coffee table with a wet cloth.

"It's not a song. It's The Moldau by Smetana. Do you like classical music?"

"Not really."

"Usually, me neither, I prefer Jazz. Would you like tea? Or coffee?"

Watching Isabella cleaning is fascinating.

When you first meet her you might be blinded by the elegance and expensive clothes. But behind that attire is just a regular woman.

I already knew that of course but right now, in the calm and quiet of the night, she looks different to me.

Apart from the moon shining through the glass and the table lamp next to the sofa, the room is dark. Yet she radiates light.

"No, thanks. Do you need help?"

"No, I'm done." She picks up the cloth and walks over to the open kitchen to drop it into the sink.

I loosen myself from being glued to the window and walk towards her a bit.

"I'm sorry for bombing your meeting and then making a little scene. I didn't want to take any attention away from your...products."

"Oh, don't be silly. You didn't ask to be here, I forced you to stay."

She shrugs her shoulders and we fall back into silence.

Isa sits down on the couch and pulls out her phone. I awkwardly stand next to her.

"Can I tell you that you look beautiful or would that be inappropriate?"

She turns to me surprised. "Uhm…"

"Ah, I shouldn't have said that. I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing. And thank you. But yes, it is slightly inappropriate."

I nod, holding back another sorry. Then I decide to sit down next to her.

"So, what important thing did you need to tell me?"

I try to find the right words but my brain is too quiet. Suddenly, it doesn't seem as important anymore.

"There's something else on my mind right now."

"And what is that?"

I stare at the dark TV and watch my faint reflection.

Say it.

Say it.

Say it.

"I really want to kiss you right now."

She doesn't say anything.

"And I hate myself for it. You don't break up with someone and then tell them that you want to kiss them."

"You're right, you don't do that."

"Yeah."

Another silence follows and I feel my courage sinking.

"Why do you want to kiss me?"

"I don't know."

"You do know, you just don't want to admit it."

I think for a second. Then I decide to stop thinking.

"I want to kiss you because I love you."

"But you don't want to be with me."

"Exactly."

It hurts to tell her that. And the more I say it, the less I believe it.

"Those two things can be separated."

"But I have no right to ask for that."

I can feel Isabella turning towards me so I look at her.

"You're very mature."

"I am?"

She nods.

"You reflect on yourself, you don't just do things and move on. I appreciate that."

"Thank you." And I mean it.

I know that it was a genuine compliment. But I'm not sure what she is trying to tell me.

"Judy, while we were dating I wanted you to benefit from my experience so I tried to teach you a couple of things about life. Well, one thing in particular. But now I don't think that worked."

"What thing?"

I look at her. And she looks at me. I can see that Isabella is thinking with the way her pupils move.

Her voice is quiet.

"When you want something, you have to ask for it."

Isa's eyes are deeply intertwined with mine. I stare into blueish black.

"You have every right to ask. The worst that can happen is that you get a no. But standing up for what you want and voicing it is never a crime."

My stomach flutters as Isa slightly tilts her head, making the light of the small table lamp reflect in her eyes.

This moment, this image is so familiar yet foreign. And I wish it was mine.

"I want you," I whisper and then, without hesitating any longer, I slide over to the woman and put my arms around her neck. She looks at me calmly as I finally follow her advice.

"Can I kiss you?"

Isa doesn't respond, instead she softly puts her lips onto mine.

This simple touch makes my stomach drop and I almost sink together. Luckily her warm hands are there to hold me up.

Her warm, soft hands that I want to feel all over my body.

I press myself against her chest and feel my heart pulsating all the way up to my throat where Isa's tongue is serenely playing with mine.

Her mellow mouth and full-flavored body make me tremble in nervous excitement whereas Isabella is calmer than I've ever experienced her in such situations.

"I want you so much," I whisper into her ear, hoping to provoke a reaction but her face doesn't change.

"I know you do, baby."

I pull back a bit and look into her face.

"Are you okay? You seem a bit glum."

"No, I'm fine, baby."

She puts her cheek against mine and I take it as an invitation to kiss her neck. 

As I gently suck on the soft skin, Isa buries her hand in my hair, keeping our cheeks connected.

This tender and almost innocent moment makes me contemplate whether I should break it with my lust or not.

Then, suddenly, I feel how skin is getting wet and I turn to look at Isa.

She is crying.

"Hey, what's wrong?" I carefully push some hair out of her face.

I don't think I've ever seen her cry before but now the tears are rolling down her cheeks as she stares at the TV.

"Isa-"

"I can't do this," she whispers without looking at me.

"You may be able to seprate sex and romance but right now I can't. I love you. And I don't know how to deal with it." 

The words surprise me and I slowly let go of her.

"You're in a relationship. You should cherish and work on it. I have no place in your life."

"I'm so sorry, I didn't know you still felt like that. I thought you were doing much better, you looked so happy today. I thought...you were over me."

Isabella slowly gets up from the couch. Then she walks over to where her purse is lying and grabs it. 

I watch her as she opens the zipper.

Her hand glides into the pouch and what she pulls out, she throws onto the couch next to where I'm sitting.

It's an empt, orange pill box. And another one. And another one.

The fourth box is half-full. I pick it up to inspect the label. 

"Valium?"

"Every time I think of you or Afterlife, I take one."

I immediately let go of the round box and jump up.

"You should have told me!"

"And then what?"

"I could have helped you. Isa, this is dangerous."

Finally, she looks at me.

Her eyes are dead and I wonder how I haven't noticed that earlier.

"I'm not telling you about my problem to make you feel bad. It's not your fault."

"Still, you should have told-"

"Judy, you broke up with me because my life weighed you down. So why would I share this with you? To burden you even more? I never wanted to hurt you. Ever. When you told me what my problems caused you, I was devastated. And unfair. I tried to paint you as the bad guy but obviously you weren't."

She swallows the tears.

"In the end you simply asked for what you wanted. You wanted to be free from my shit. And you had every right to be that."

I stare at her in silence as I try my hardest to form at least a single thought that could make her feel better.

Isabella drops her purse onto the floor.

"You're free, Judy. Don't walk back into the trap. I won't let that happen."

I quickly shake my head.

"You're not a trap, don't say that. You're the most amazing person I've ever met. My decision had nothing to do with you as a person, you're perfect to me. Okay? Isa, do you hear what I'm saying?"

"No, I made you unhappy."

"Not you, the situation did."

I walk over to her and grab her shoulders. Isa sobs and my heart breaks.

Taking a deep, shaky breath, I stare into her eyes, making sure she hears every single word.

"I came today to tell you that I am done with running away. Parker called me and informed me of their plan. I will join them.. And I will fight by your side until the end."