Trapped In Hisstory

[Special Chapter of Clayton Howard, using his POV!]

I was not aware of when I started to learn how to talk, but I could already think despite not being able to speak. As I lay in my crib and saw only the ceiling above, I wondered where the people went.

I was the only one in the room and I waited for the ladies I always see during the time for me to eat to come but they all still have not yet arrived. At that point, I figured that those people would only do their duties, just going to come and go.

But still, I was grateful that they are taking care of me, I thought to myself, 'They are such nice people.'

I was a toddler when I saw a beautiful woman whom I had never met before, but when I came to her arms, the feeling was familiar. It was as if I had been once in her embrace long before, maybe when I was not yet able to understand what was going on around me or when I did not care who were the people I was with. But as soon as I came into her arms, I immediately knew that she was one of those people.

But the question I had in mind was 'Who is she?'

She was a weird human, definitely different from how I behave. If I was confused, my face would show that I was in a state of confusion. We could always tell how humans feel by their expression and their behavior, but the lady in front of me was hard to read. My head always hurts whenever I try to figure out what she was feeling as I observe her demeanor.

The first time I saw her, I wondered how could a beautiful woman like her exist? She looked at me with gentle eyes and it was the first time I felt something strange inside me, it must be what they call 'happiness'.

A few times, she stayed with me, accompanied me when I was alone inside my room. She was like those people who came to take care of me, but the feeling was different. She does not come to see me to do her 'duty' like the others. I felt happy to know that she was with me by her own will. I could speak that time, but I chose not to.

When I found out that the lady I liked was my mother, it must have been the happiest day of my life. To think that a nice and wonderful person like her was the one who gave birth to me, and share the same blood as I, I could not have been more happier.

As days went by, her actions became confusing. The gentle gaze she always gave me could no longer be found in her eyes. 'We could always tell how humans feel by their expression and their behavior.' was what I said, but I could not understand what my mother felt at all.

I could see the fire in her eyes, she was so angry as she looked at me even though I never did anything. I was sure I made no mistake, yet she was so frightening. For a short moment, the thought of her possibly hating me brought tears into my eyes. For the one I love the most to despise me was something I would never want to happen.

For a reason I do not know, she was so angry to the point that she would hit me. Her grips became tighter that it would leave a bruise on my wrist. At that point, I knew that she hated me so much, and I let her hit me. If that was a way to let out her anger, then I will let her hit me as much as she wants. "Does hitting me make you happy, Mother?" I asked in a whisper in between her beatings.

She gave me a glare and continued to punish me for the mistake that I do not know of. After her beating, even though she was fuming a few seconds ago, she looked at me with eyes full of sorrow.

As my face was stained with tears, she also began to cry. I have never seen anyone so sad before. Her gentleness returned and she embraced me. I was in a daze, unable to move nor react to whatever was happening. She continued to weep and stare down at my face as if she was guilty. As if she was pitying her own child.

All of a sudden, she smiled. She snickered as she looked at me. She looked like she was the happiest woman in the world.

It was as if she had forgotten that she was angry and that she was crying. All that she knew was that she was happy.

She embraced me again and whispered into my ears, "I am so happy to have you, Clay." she hugged me even tighter, "You are the only one I have, you must never, ever, leave me."

She pulled away and held my face, "You are the result of the love between His Majesty and I." she stated with a grin. 

She grabbed my face with one hand, and her touch started to hurt me once again, "You are my child, you are the King's son!" she yelled. "You are a prince, so you must do your best." she added.

She pushed me to the ground and glared at me, then stormed out of the room. Leaving me alone in the chamber.

I went into a daze with tears flowing out of my eyes.

I was scared. So scared.

That was not the woman I knew before, it was as if someone had possessed her. But then I realized that maybe the one who possessed her was her own emotions.

Being unable to control emotions, making it burst and turn into a beast swallowing us inside, is truly a frightening thing.

What happened turned into a cycle, and there was always a time where mother would visit me to do the same thing. Everyday I had to wear clothing that would hide the bruises in my body.

My mother always hurt me, but I know she did not mean it. If she really hated me, she would never give me those eyes full of sadness. The gentle warmth that I always get from her. Or maybe I am just making excuses so that I could remain by her side. To convince myself that she really loves me.

Even though my whole body trembled in pain because of the bruises she inflicted, I still stayed by her side. Being hurt was not enough reason for me to despise the one who gave birth to me, or so that was my thought.

When I first found out that I am a prince and that I live in the palace, I had a bit of confidence, knowing that we might have a better life since we were royalty.

But I was too young and did not know how the world really works.

I held on to the hope of living a good life since I was a child of the King. Also because my mother was the lover of the King.

The King loves my mother.

But at that time I did not know it was a different kind of love.

There were different kinds of love. A love that was true, a love that was arranged, and a love that was for pleasure.

It was already late before I figured out that my mother was the last aforementioned kind of love.

But even so, I wanted to prove that I was worthy of being called a 'prince' and to make my mother proud. 

I did my best in every lesson, and it made my mother happy. My hard work was all worth it the soon I saw my mother's smile.

But of course in the King's eyes, the one that was great will always be the First Prince. And of course, I knew what would happen next.

"You trash! You think I wasted all those years raising you for you to be like this? Get His Majesty's attention!"

The cycle repeated again and my mother would beat me up, embrace me, smile at me. I knew that something was wrong with her. And so I will not give up on her. I know one day she will get better.

I did not know what to feel anymore. I did not know whether I should be mad or sad, maybe having no feelings would be better than to always feel so bad.

It felt like I was trapped at the bottom of a deep well, all alone, yelling for someone to help me yet no one could hear me.

Being an alien might even be better than living as a human with complex emotions.

Bleeding at the bottom of the well, I was about to give up all hopes of being saved and accepted the fact that I was just a trash thrown to the hole.

But as soon as I was about to give up, a head peeked inside the well. He came inside and all I could do was to stare at him and the hand that he extended towards me.

And slowly, I was being pulled out of the well. Out of darkness.

I was saved.