Longmen Memoirs

It's not that he can't do anything, but that he shouldn't do that. He can tell Chen loudly, tell Chen what happened over the years, tell Chen what happened to him, and tell her all his pain and suffering.

But what's the use of this? Can you feel relieved just by looking at Chen's unbelievable and embarrassed look in pain?

No, those nice words that you can feel better by sharing your pain with others are actually lies. The former is sympathy, while the latter is a kind of selfishness, selfishly deceiving yourself that others can understand your feelings.

Different experiences have already determined that people cannot empathize with each other and cannot understand each other. All you want is the understanding and comfort of others to soothe the scars in your heart, and then deceive yourself that someone can understand your feelings, and you are not alone.

Chen Mo can't impose his own suffering on Chen, nor can he watch her become the same person as him. Think selfishly, just like Chen said, he is indeed a selfish ghost, someone who disgusts Chen and wants to interfere. The selfish ghost in her life.

But Chen Mo actually knew that Chen Mo's life was no better than anyone else's. In those years of life, Chen Mo could somewhat understand the bitterness and far-fetchedness hidden under Chen's seemingly brisk smile. She just saw it. It looks beautiful and enviable, but who knows what kind of unspeakable secrets and grievances are hidden under that enviable coat.

Occasionally, he looked at himself with a puzzling look, and he also felt reluctant and melancholy when leaving. These emotions should not appear in a child, but similarly, he and Tallulah behaved differently from ordinary children.

What made them become like this, and what made three people who should be different come together.

Because they are all similar, because... they saw themselves in each other and mistakenly thought they were the same kind.

People will not become strong at the beginning, just because they need it, so they have to let themselves learn to be strong, because tears are the cheapest thing in the world, you can't get anything back, you can't get anything.

Tears are a kind of weakness, an intolerable weakness that cannot change anything and cannot be undone.

Tears are not worth mentioning.

Chen Mo's footsteps can no longer stop, but Chen's footsteps have just begun. People like her should have a glorious life.

She wants to wait for the rainbow across the sky after the violent storm. After every deep night, when she raises her head, she can see the bright dawn that greets her. Instead of being burdened and bound, living in the shadows created by others all her life. inside.

Those so-called promises, jokes, and noises at the time, now that I think about them, make people nostalgic and nostalgic, but they can only be nostalgic and nostalgic.

People cannot and should not live in the past forever.

When I was a child, I wanted to grow up, but when I grew up, I wanted to go back to the past. But people all know that the most difficult thing to recover is the years and time.

He could only sigh, and after sighing he had to pick up his steps again.

But Chen Mo will still feel regret, a hollow gap. The goodbye between him and Chen was not spent with smiles and joy, leaving only resentment, quarrels and endless conflicts.

That's how it should have been before.

There has never been an unbreakable relationship between him and Chen. The only thing that kept them acquainted and met, and even Chen's willingness to accept himself, was fragile, so fragile that even they themselves could not have imagined that it would become what it is now.

Chen Mo should have thought of this day happening a long time ago, but he was still imagining it, just like he was talking about Chen's innocent fantasies. The funny thing is that he himself was also fantasizing, but his fantasies were shattered every time.

Since childhood, it has been fragmented bit by bit, bit by bit, again and again, like a mirror in the water. Even if those broken traces are picked up, they can no longer be pieced together to become what they once were.

Chen Mo picked up the dim police badge from the messy ground and wiped the deep scratches and rust with his fingers, as if he had returned to the way the man wore it on his chest when he came back many years ago. The time seemed so bright, shining brightly in the warm light.

But over the years, it has become darker and darker. Even in the sun, it cannot reflect any light. The black dragon head mark becomes more and more ferocious, as if it is walking all the way on a dark road. Now, it is full of His body is dusty and scarred, but he still wants to fight to the death.

It seems to confirm that Chen's later bleak life was also walking on such a road full of thorns, with blood dripping from the stabbings, crawling in embarrassment, not daring to stop or look back.

Chen Mo didn't know what he would see when he turned around. In the bottomless darkness, no one would be waiting behind him. He could only move forward, and there was only the way forward left for him.

He slowly held the police badge tightly and looked at his blurry figure on it. He suddenly remembered that the gray photo he saw while standing in front of the tombstone half a year ago was also blurry.

He's not a hero, never has been.

Because he was not that great, and now it seems that he was just a little stupider and more persistent than others, so he suddenly lost his life later, leaving his body intact, and making himself unable to remember his appearance anymore.

But for Longmen, he has fulfilled his responsibility. For Longmen, he can be regarded as a hero, and so-called heroes never end well.

People dream of becoming a hero, an upright person, full of glory, respected and relied on by others, but real heroes are never that glamorous.

I don't know if he regrets what he did. If he knew what happened later and knew what that silly woman would become, would he still be the same as when he left without any hesitation.

Maybe there is, of course he will hesitate, but he will not stop. He is such a person. He regards responsibility as more important than life, but he ignores that she is actually his responsibility.

His figure walked further and further away, and he walked so decisively, but he didn't know that there was someone behind him who was watching his retreating back and became confused and cried bitterly.

He left her to himself, but I failed to protect her.

People always have to face choices, choosing between big and small. He is a selfish person, but Chen Mo can't deny him, deny his selfishness, deny his selflessness.

He cannot evaluate his life or whether he is right or wrong. Maybe he has the right, but he does not have the qualification.

The most ridiculous thing is that Chen Mo cannot resent him, hate him, or even hate him. Even if he does so, there will be no results. He will not know or refute.

The only thing he can do is to remember him, try his best to remember that period of his life, and try his best to remember her appearance. He is afraid that he will forget it, and he is also afraid that one day he will make the same mistake again.

He became the last proof that they had ever lived in this world.

[They died because of you. 】

That voice suddenly appeared again, clearer than before. He stood behind Chen Mo, as if he suddenly appeared, standing in the afternoon light without making any sound.

"I never forgot."

[But now you want to risk your life for a group of Sakaz. ] He said: [Think about it, they never trusted you, and you never trusted the doctor and the devil. In the end, you got nothing. They threw you in Londinium. Look at you now. If Aslan is with you, you may be chased and intercepted by the entire city at any time, and you have no ability to control the direction of things. 】

"Don't I still have you?" Chen Mo turned his head and looked at the black figure behind him. He was stunned: "You are right. I am unable to control the direction of things, nor can I control the overall situation of the Kazdare war. Saka Now people have reason to doubt me, because I am always an outsider, but I know my position very clearly, I know what I should do and what I should not do, I know what I can touch and what I cannot touch."

【You are looking for death! 】

"I'm looking for death. I also know that if the plan between me and the doctor can continue, the ending waiting for me may be more miserable than I imagined." Chen Mo said, and he suddenly smiled: "So what?"

"Are you scared?" Chen Mo asked.

【Am I afraid? ] He seemed to have heard something funny and smiled sarcastically. [You can't save the current demon king. No one can save her. She has already decided to die. No matter what you and the doctor want to do, it won't help. Besides, even if you are lucky enough to save the demon king, As long as she survives, her fate has already been sealed. 】

"Thearesia is the only legitimate heir to Kazdaele. No one is more suitable than her to restore the broken Kazdaele. Whether you are lingering or destined to survive, is it that you are imprisoned in my body now and belong to you? fate."

【…】

[I kindly saw that you were sad and came out to chat with you, but you just bullied me like this? ] He asked: [Or is it that the departure of that young dragon really hit you hard? Since you couldn't bear to leave her, why didn't you keep her? 】

"..."

[Like I said, watchdog, why do you have to make your life so tiring? Why don't you be more presumptuous? No matter what Kazdel is, no matter what the devil is, no one can hold you no matter what you want, even if you want to destroy it. I can also help you get rid of this mobile city. There is nothing that cannot be done and nothing that can restrain us. ] He whispered: [I told you, anyone who dares to stop us will be killed, whoever dares to make us sad, we will kill them all, no one will dare to disobey, no one will be killed. No matter how brave you are, you can do it, why not! 】

"This is not the first time you said that." Chen Mo sighed softly. He passed through His shadow, stepped over the overturned coffee table, sat on the sofa, and looked at the messy room.

[But no matter how many times I say it, you just don’t listen, right? 】 He turned around, and the black shadow disappeared instantly, and reappeared beside Chen Mo. He raised his head and pushed, tapping his knuckles lightly on his raised knees.

"Yes, it doesn't matter how many times you say it."

[These are all things you asked for. Are you really unable to get out of that hurdle? I don’t understand. What’s the big deal? It’s your parents. Oh no, your adoptive parents sacrificed their lives for you. But you didn't kill Wei Yanwu, you should have killed him, he was the culprit! 】

Chen Mo glanced at him.

"Changed to the sensational route?" he asked in surprise.

[...I just want to chat with you. In fact, I am reflecting and thinking about how to become a human being. You probably don’t understand. I can’t understand the thoughts of living beings like you. It’s very complicated, but most of it is inconspicuous bits and pieces. , I have a long time to spend, time loses meaning in front of me, I can wait for many lives to dissipate, sit back and watch the cities collapse, even if the years go by, I still exist. 】

"But you are imprisoned in me now. I know you are "great", but there is no point."

[...You have to tear me down? 】

"Sorry, I'm used to it, you continue..." Chen Mo raised his palm.

He was silent for a moment, seeming to calm down.

[How about you listen to me for once?Watchdog, listen to me. I know you can't let go of your thoughts. Sarkaz has abandoned you, so we can abandon them too. Even if Kazdaele and you win, what can you get, a high position?right?This stuff means nothing to you or me. ] He said: [I can help you find Xiaota. You know she is in Ursus. We will look for her in one city after another. She is very smart and will definitely not be unknown. Kosiche, we already have clues. , we can kill him and get back everything that belongs to us, even the emperor of Ursus?You can still get married to Xiaota, and no one can stop your wedding. It's as easy as you thought before. 】

"That's it?"

【You have to tell me what you want. 】

"I want so many things, too many to count."

[Don’t be like this, every time I rarely talk to you, you always do the same thing, can’t you try something different? ] There was a hint of weakness in his tone. [You... are simply a stubborn, smelly and hard rock that cannot be absorbed by oil or salt. 】

"The stone is good, but the stone is heartless."

【Come again. 】

"Actually, you are not as powerful as you say, right? Otherwise, you would not have said a word when facing His Highness. Otherwise, you would not have said much when you learned the news about the Inspector."

【...You want to know? 】

"I can guess, otherwise you wouldn't be like this. I think you are definitely not a qualified conspirator. With your temper of wanting to kill everyone you see, I'm afraid it will be difficult to come up with anything. A decent plot.”

【You feel like you know me very well. ] He sneered and said: [How do you know I'm not plotting anything. 】

"It's not too late to say this after you come out."

He suddenly stopped.

[Don’t forget, what you paid for during the Dragon Gate, watchdog, this day won’t be long, just wait and see, ha, you want to abandon the past in a hurry, isn’t that why you abandoned the young dragon? ?I'm not afraid, you are. ] He sneered and said slowly: [Do you want to know what will happen to you then? 】

"Even if it means death." Chen Mo replied calmly: "...What do you think is the way to make someone really not care about you?"

【kill him! 】

He almost didn't even think about it.

"...Look at you, can you stop thinking about murder? It's vulgar!"

【…】

"Let me tell you, disappearing into this person's life is not enough, far from it. If you have appeared before, you cannot disappear completely. You have to wait until this person finds a new life and a new environment. This is the best way." Chen Mo said, then paused: "To be honest, you must have a way to alleviate Theresia's illness, right? Otherwise, you wouldn't have mentioned this matter in front of me again and again. I'm not You idiot, bitch, I may not know what you are thinking, but what you did is too obvious. I have to take back my preamble. Maybe you can't be a qualified conspirator, but as far as the city government is concerned, you can't. Poor."

[Don’t fucking call me Goudan! 】

"Goudan... Goudan, tell me, you may not be able to do it anyway."

【Ah. ] He sneered and said nothing.

"Don't you want to come out? I thought we were getting along pretty well. Although we can't say we are intimate, we are at least inseparable." Chen Mo persuaded patiently.

He snorted coldly.

【Shameless! 】

"Say it, sooner or later you'll have to say it."

[…I do have a way to extend the life of that demon king, but I won’t help you, watchdog. The price is too high, and it’s not worth it to me.The conservative forces who are ambitious but unable to suppress the parliament, the foolish powerful, the arrogant nobles, the people who are becoming more and more numb under the extreme high pressure, the few fools who are ready to make a move but are powerless, the idealists, conspirators, and careerists, Real people, harsh rule, conservative and stubborn upper class, and infected people who are regarded as consumables of the times. ] He said; [Those thoughts of yours cannot restore this decayed land. The demon king you value is unable to open it up for you. The warriors united as one will be crushed into powder by the roar of naval guns. The scimitars can easily harvest every fallen life. What do you think of it? Know nothing about this. 】

"You're talking like you've tried?"

[I don’t need to try, this land will naturally lead to this ending, an apocalypse where everyone is in danger. The infected are just the beginning of this apocalypse, and you and I are already in it. When the mountain is destined to collapse, no one can Blocking the collapse of its rushing rocks. 】

The dark shadow in front of him seemed to have changed. Chen Mo was not sure. He was not sure that the person in front of him was still the same person in his mind. Since His existence was confirmed in Kazdare three years ago, this was the first time that He said Such words of unclear meaning.

[But... you can be alone, watchdog, you can leave. 】He said.

"because of you?"

【because of U.S. 】

"I promise you that after the war in Kazdale is over, I will return this body to you." Chen Mo suddenly said.

【You threaten me? ! 】

Chen Mo suddenly thought of his conversation with the doctor.

'If the Tower of Babel fails, I will take Theresia out of Kazdaele. '

'I will help you. '

'thanks. '

On a sunny day, perhaps somewhere in this land, I escaped Kazdaele's pursuit again and again, and finally watched Thearesia slowly stop breathing in the sunshine.

Such an ending, such a fate.

I can not be reconciled!

[He said it was not a threat! ] He said: [Then don't blame me for destroying everything you want. Use this body and your appearance to kill everyone with your own hands, including the young dragon. Starting from that young dragon, I will I will peel off her scales bit by bit and break her horns. I will let her watch her relatives die in front of her one by one, and let her live in torture for eternity. 】

"You wouldn't do that."

【I can!I also want to find Tallulah and... kill her!Kill her friends, kill her relatives, kill everyone she knows! 】

"you will not."

【I will, I will definitely do it! ] He roared gloomily.

Chen Mo didn't answer. He suddenly became quiet and looked at the messy room in front of him, wondering what he was thinking.

He also fell silent.

There was no sound for a long time.