Too Broke For Afterlife

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Amazing.

Now I'm sitting here on the hood of the car, with an iced latte in my hand.

I'm not sure what the conversion from dollars into KP is but 20 for a single drink does seem like quite a lot.

A few minutes ago a street vendor had approached me and I've been trying my best to get rid of him ever since but he is more obstinate than a fat pimple that suddenly appears the night before picture day.

"I also have snow globes but catch this - because it doesn't snow in San Andy, they don't have snow inside. They got sand. It's a sand globe!"

He pulls one out of his pocket and shakes it in front of my face. It shows the ferris wheel from the pier, covered in yellow glitter.

"Cool."

"I know, right? And today I've got a special offer. You get the second for half the price. Two sand globes for just 150."

"150? That's like…" I quickly calculate it in my head. "That's like 7 iced lattes. What are these things made of? Marble?"

"No, but the finest glass and plastic in all of San Andy!"

I wonder what china shop he had to rob to get a hold of this cheap crap. Are people actually buying this?

"Are you an NPC?"  I look at him.

"No, I'm not!"

Oh my god. Either these things gain consciousness or I'm talking to a real crackhead right now.

"I'm a person, like you. I died about...well, we don't have time here. But I died a while ago and decided to start my own business."

"A sand globe business?"

His eyes sparkle. "Yes! Genius, right?"

I don't know how to respond to that. I take a long look at the guy.

"Okay, let me get this straight. You're using this opportunity to create whatever life you've ever wanted to...scam people with cheap snow globes?"

"Sand globes."

"Whatever."

Okay, maybe I should forget this vacation thing before I end up like this dude. 

How sad.

"Could you please go annoy somebody else now? I'm on a quest."

"Ah, the prostitute one? I skipped it and got a BJ instead."

I jump off the car and take the last sip from my latte. "No offense, buddy, but the longer I'm talking to you, the more of my brain cells are quitting. Now get lost or-"

"START THE ENGINE!"

I look around to Kennedy who is sprinting towards me, behind her a man.

"Oh boy, have fun," thee vendor chuckles. 

I push him out of the way and quickly get into the car to turn the key. Then I open the passenger door so she can get in.

Kennedy falls onto the seat and throws the door shut. "GO GO GO!"

The man is only a few feet away and I ram my foot into the gas pedal. The car yowls and I rip the steering wheel around to not run over the angry psycho. 

"Come back you bitch!"

In full panic, I have a hard time controlling the car and almost crash into a house as I find my way back onto the street. The people around us are screaming and jumping out of the way.

I race down the avenue until I decide to take a right turn onto a highway. Then Kenendy shifts the gear and we slow down a bit to match the other cars.

"What happened?" I yell into her face. 

"Dude, chill! Some customers are just crackheads. He said I did a bad job and that he wants a refund. Do I look like I'm giving refunds?"

Crackhead customers, this really is like the real game. 

I remember this quest from when I used to play it. Exactly the same thing happened.

First, the prostitute got chased by a guy and then he appeared in a car next to us, trying to shoot her.

Wait.

Uh oh.

A gunshot rips through my ears and Kennedy's window shatters. She screams.

"I'LL KILL YOU, BITCH!"

F*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, F*CK!

We speed up again, rushing past the other cars but the guy holds up easily. 

And then my car reaches its limit and with that, we are parallel next to each other. 

"I need a gun!"

Kennedy opens the glove box. "Here!"

She hands me a revolver.

Great. I'm about to shoot someone.

"Take the wheel."

Kennedy leans over to do so and I look out the window and raise the gun.

"YOU…" 

But then I stop.

I recognize the man.

"Wait! Mr. Ellert?" I yell. 

This can't be real.

My high school PE teacher stares back at me, gun pointed. He looks just as surprised.

"Mr. Jones?"

Someone please pinch me. Am I tripping right now?

"What are you doing?" Kennedy screeches. "Shoot him!"

I mean, I hate Mr. Ellert but should I shoot him? Can I really do that?

When did that guy even die? 

The man notices my hesitation and laughs. "What a pussy."

"What?" I shout.

"I knew you'd be a failure," he yells. "We all knew you'd never achieve anything!"

Unexpectedly, the words hit me. 

I'm not a failure.

Right? 

I'm going to college after all. Or at least...I did. Until all this.

I look at the man who never skipped the opportunity to bully me in front of everyone. Who hated me before he even met me, simply because of what he had heard from other teachers. The man who made me run extra laps in the rain to punish quote on quote bad behavior.

No matter what I did, he always found ways to lower my grades. In my senior year, I didn't attend PE class a single time. I failed. 

I had to, else...who knows.

Today, looking back at that night at Bluewoods Lake, maybe Ellert was one of the reasons I...you know what I mean.

And now I'm here, still feeling bad despite him already being dead.

My face hardens as I look at him.

"You're calling me a failure, that's funny. You're the one chasing prostitutes. How sad."

Then I send the bullet through his head.

The car starts spinning around its own axis and rams into the railings.

I don't look back.

"Mission completed," a deep male voice proclaims.

<<<

Looking at the fried noodles, I can't get myself to grab the chopsticks.

Kennedy on the other hand seems very hungry. She is shoving the food into her mouth, her plate is covered in red chili sauce.

The owner of the tiny shop is talking on the telephone in an Asian language I can't identify. 

Kennedy looks at me. "You're not hungry?"

"Not really."

She shrugs her shoulders. "You're paying anyway."

Resting my chin in my hand, I look around the shop.

Golden lucky cats are waving at us and red banners with Chinese symbols are covering the windows and ceiling. We seem to be the only guests.

"So, you finished your mission. The 1k KP will be transferred to your account. And you can now ask me about your friends."

"1k?"

Wow. That's a lot. Maybe doing quests isn't as dumb as I thought.

Anyway, back to why I'm actually here. I lower my voice.

"I'm looking for two friends, their names are Nox and Clemens. They were here about four months ago. One woman with red hair, one German guy with a scary face. Do you know them?"

Kennedy takes her time and first takes a long sip from her coke.

"I do know them."

"Really?" I grab the table. "And do you know where they are?"

"I know where the German is."

"And where?"

She sighs. "So many questions."

I feel myself growing impatient. I growl.

"Bitch, I shot a guy for you. Tell me where my friend is and how I can get there. Now."

Kennedy seems unimpressed by my anger but grabs a napkin.

"Chef," she shouts to the owner. The man looks up from his phone. "I need a pen."

Once she is holding the writing tool, she starts drawing onto the napkin.

"We are here. You need to go to Club Huevos. Your friend works at the bar. But it's a secret club, the entrance is in the basement of a dental practice."

"Excuse me?"

"Yes, you'll have to go there, act like a patient and then tell the doctor. He is the owner. The code word is Huevos Rancheros."

I look at Kennedy, hoping that this is just a joke. But she looks dead serious.

"The doctor is called Pete McJizz. Got it?"

"I guess?"

I take the napkin with the directions scribbled onto it.

Looks like it's not too far away from here, just a few streets away, in a neighborhood called Santa Flora.

"Also, make sure you go alone. You want to be as undetected as possible. If somebody finds out about the club because of you, both of us are dead. You hear me?"

"Yes, don't worry. I got this. Thank you."

I get up from the plastic chair and take a deep breath. 

"Time for my annual check-up, I guess."